Opto Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) First off, Thank you for reading this post. I am struggling with my current situation and I have tried just about everything I can think of. Getting another person's insight will be greatly appreciated. For starters I am not a virgin (I truly regret not waiting for the right girl), and my girlfriend is. We have been dating for about 9 months now. We are both 24 years old and attend the same college. We are together 5 or 6 days a week. Getting physical beyond making out has become impossible. We have alone time in which it is possible yet it never surpasses making out. She is a very beautiful girl and I tell her that every day. Yet she remains very shy and is uncomfortable if I ever make a comment about her looking good in the jeans shes wearing or if we are at the gym and I complement her on how cute she looks in the shorts she is wearing. We have had the sex talk about both agree that we want to wait until marriage. She has said in the past that other things are fine though. So I believed her and tried to make things happen once in a while. She has never had an orgasm and she can't really get into it when we are doing stuff to her. I think that is one of the factors that makes her uninterested in it. We have talked about it many times and it seems to be our only problem. Recently we postponed doing anything because she had something important coming up, then right after I went on a trip so it had been over a month since we had gotten physical beyond kissing. I got back from my trip and the important thing in her life was over so I was really excited to see her and maybe see where things went physically. Nothing came of it for two days and I got frustrated and called her out on it. I shouldn't have made it that big of a deal, but I was led to believe it was something she wanted to do so I thought that it would happen. Now shes saying that it is all I think about and all our relationship has become.. We haven't done anything in over a month.. Yes, it has been argued about for the past 2 days so I can see why she would say that. Now I'm at the point where I have just given up on it. She has said that she thinks that the physical stuff we have done is only physical and means nothing else to our relationship. She says that she is happy with just hanging out, laughing and talking (which I understand). I just don't know what to do with this situation. I have given it up...but its hard for me to do.. and I don't think she recognizes that it is important to me, yet it obviously isn't the most important thing to me. How can I make her see that it is more than just something that feels good and then that is it. I would never break up with her over this and I haven't even thought once about that. I love her and care for her and think she is wonderful but this has been a huge problem in our relationship from the get go. PLEASE HELP! Sorry This was such a long read... Edited April 9, 2013 by Opto
ComeUpOutDaWahta Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Best thing to do would be to tell her just that. Let her know it's more than just "physical," and that it is something you want to share with her, and see what she has to say. However, the last thing you want to do is pressure her into anything. Just ease up, and she will eventually let you know when she's ready. If she cares about you, she will at least try to recognize that you have needs too, and she won't be able to help but recognize how awesome you are just for having the willingness to hold back for her benefit. On the other side of the coin, she may just not feel... that comfortable with you yet. She may never feel that comfortable with you, and that's something you may have to work out in the future. Her hands-off-edness may be indicative of something deeper, but the only way to really find out is to communicate in a respectable manner, ensuring that there's absolutely zero pressure in the atmopshere.
InJest Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 It's not worth all the drama and the nonsense. Just dump her and find a girl who is on the same page as you. It will be much more fulfilling. 2
ses Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You need to respect her boundaries. Don't pressure her, and don't give her a guilt trip if she refuses you. Any type of sexual activity should have mutual consent. Everyone has needs, but you have to go at her pace. You can reassure her of your intentions but she may never feel comfortable. You have to understand that. Don't forget to use protection when the time arrives. Making out can entail other sexual activity leading to sex, and you should be prepared. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, and if you can't resolve the issue in a healthy and satisfying manner, then a breakup might be the best option.
Author Opto Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Thank you for the comment, I have told her how I feel about it, that is more than just physical. That it is something we can share with each other. Whenever I say that I have this gut feeling that she is thinking of flashbacks of me with my old girlfriend. I think it would be different if I wasn't experienced. I do plan to ease up and I would never push her into something she doesn't want to do. I am just scared that it will ALWAYS be like this. I agree that sexual compatibility is important, but rational beings should be able to realize the needs of others and if they care and love them, fulfill them. I just don't know how to approach it other than time, yet I have given her 9 months of time and its worse than ever.
ses Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I agree that sexual compatibility is important, but rational beings should be able to realize the needs of others and if they care and love them, fulfill them. I just don't know how to approach it other than time, yet I have given her 9 months of time and its worse than ever. Yes, a partner should be willing and able to fulfill the needs of another. If you genuinely feel she is unresponsive and are frustrated, I would recommend you break it off and find someone who satisfies you in all areas of your relationship. You can wait but she may never come around. You deserve to be happy, as does she. 2
ChatroomHero Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 It sounds like her needs are hanging out, having fun, laughing, having someone to do something with. One of your needs is physical. You are meeting her needs and she is not meeting yours. Nothing wrong with either side but if she is not meeting your needs it is no different than if you were to say you want to continue to talk to her but not hang out as much anymore, you'd be neglecting one of her needs and I am guessing she would want to find someone that did. You just need to decide if you are ok giving her what she wants and not getting all you want in return. There would be no guarantee that if you got married she would all of the sudden become physical with you whenever you wanted so factor that in. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 She has said that she thinks that the physical stuff we have done is only physical and means nothing else to our relationship. She says that she is happy with just hanging out, laughing and talking (which I understand). I just don't know what to do with this situation. I have given it up...but its hard for me to do.. and I don't think she recognizes that it is important to me, yet it obviously isn't the most important thing to me. How can I make her see that it is more than just something that feels good and then that is it. I would never break up with her over this and I haven't even thought once about that. I love her and care for her and think she is wonderful but this has been a huge problem in our relationship from the get go. PLEASE HELP! Sorry This was such a long read... If you argued about this for days after you got back, and you've pestered and pressured her in the past, then she is well aware of how important this is to you. Two choices: Break up and go find someone who puts out at a pace you find acceptable. Drop it and respect your GF's boundaries. There is no need to nag and moan for days about this. Not to mention, it's completely counterproductive. She will come around at her own pace as she feels comfortable with you. The longer you push, prod, and pressure, the more uncomfortable and wary she will be that all you are after are physical jollies rather than being truly interested in her and a relationship with her.
ChatroomHero Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 The longer you push, prod, and pressure, the more uncomfortable and wary she will be that all you are after are physical jollies rather than being truly interested in her and a relationship with her. He has been with her for 9 months w/o sex and I think he said 1 month w/o physical contact (which I assume is touching and kissing etc.), I think that makes a strong case that he is not just in it for the physical jollies. 1
hppr Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 This is why guys say the 3 date rule, you could have spent the past few months with a girl who is on the same page as you rather than hoping and praying for some frigid girl to get horny.
hppr Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 She will come around at her own pace as she feels comfortable with you. Figures a woman would say that. "The right man will wait a hundred years for you" Ummm...no.... The guy has waited 9 months, she obviously has some serious issues with intimacy that have nothing to do with him...time for him to move on... 1
CryForNoOne Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I guess its possible to be FZ'd by your GF. Or is this now FWoB... 1
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 ok, I think some posters didn't read where the OP says they both agree they need to wait until marriage. Whether one wants to wait a few weeks, a few months, or before marriage for sex... it can be just as frustrating for the woman as the man... just an FYI. It is possible she doesn't want to put herself in a position where she won't trust herself to stop. If the OP sincerely wants to wait until marriage, he'll be thinking the same thing and not trying to continually test her limits. I think you, OP, need to revisit whether you truly do want to wait until marriage. I'm not convinced you do. It seems you are asking her to do the hard work of putting on the brakes, but that isn't fair. You push and she's supposed to keep telling you when to stop instead of you demonstrating that you have your own limits and are capable of protecting her and your promise to each other. So, here's my question... do you have any other adults to talk to about this? If you are both waiting for marriage, I imagine you must have a community of people in your church who also believe this way. There are other people on this site who have made similar choices to the OP and found a way through it. 2
Author Opto Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 First off I can see why some people are posting to break up with her. At a different point in my life I may have said the same thing. I have gotten more involved with my church and that is the reason why I have chosen to wait until marriage. I don't really have anyone close to me that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this situation. I can see why RedRobin would say I have been pushing her and testing her limits, but she has told me that she was comfortable with what we had done in the past and that it was ok to continue doing. But then nothing would ever come of it. So giving her time and not really bringing it up seems like the best choice to me.. Lets say that there was no way I was breaking up with this girl, what other adivce would you give me? Any tips on making her more comfortable with it? I know I have done some damage by getting upset and making a big deal about it. She is uncomfortable with it already without the added stress and frustrations. Thanks for all your comments.
ChatroomHero Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Lets say that there was no way I was breaking up with this girl, what other adivce would you give me? Any tips on making her more comfortable with it? I know I have done some damage by getting upset and making a big deal about it. She is uncomfortable with it already without the added stress and frustrations. Honestly your only option is to wait until you get married or at least plan on it. She may NEVER want any real physical intimacy but if she does she said not until marriage. If you try to change her you'll just make things worse. It's not important to her so if you stay with her you need to let it go and live without intimacy and deal with your frustration of thinking she'll come around any day now...just my opinion. 1
USMCHokie Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Lets say that there was no way I was breaking up with this girl, what other adivce would you give me? Well, of course you should break up with her because you two have different needs and values. That being said, if breaking up with her is not an option you are willing to consider, then ask if she'd consider allowing you to get some on the side from someone else...? 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 ok, I think some posters didn't read where the OP says they both agree they need to wait until marriage. To acknowledge the constraints of his situation or provide feedback relevant to such a situation would run counter to their own agenda. Why let a few pesky details get in the way of a prime opportunity to bash and demean? I have gotten more involved with my church and that is the reason why I have chosen to wait until marriage. I don't really have anyone close to me that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this situation. Then speak with your youth pastor, your pastor, or small group leader. You won't be the first person to come to them with this type of problem. If you're too embarrassed to speak with them, that should provide great insight into whether what you are pressuring your GF to do is appropriate or Christ-like. There are also Christian relationship forums online that will provide far more relevant input than you are likely to receive here. ...she has told me that she was comfortable with what we had done in the past and that it was ok to continue doing. Clearly her actions say otherwise. Based on your other statements, you also clearly get that what you're doing is very discomfiting to her. Yet you continue to the detriment of your relationship. Obviously, she's not comfortable with what you keep pressuring her to do...but you keep pushing, moaning, and guilting her anyway. Lets say that there was no way I was breaking up with this girl, what other adivce would you give me? Any tips on making her more comfortable with it? I know I have done some damage by getting upset and making a big deal about it. She is uncomfortable with it already without the added stress and frustrations. Thanks for all your comments. Yet you persist anyway! Since you refuse to leave her, drop it already! What you are doing is wholly self-centered and selfish. Tell me, is it Christ-like to try continually to force someone to do something that makes that person uncomfortable? WWJD? That should be your guide. If you are incapable of doing that or incapable of respecting her boundaries, again, you are free to walk away and find someone to put out at your preferred pace. 3
Noproblem Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) If you love her, you shouldn't push her and rush her into doing things that she doesn't wanna do ....It's really unfair, anytime you want, you can leave her for another girl who is will to get physical with you, but this girl has some rules and she wants to wait until marriage... the only reason, she said to you that she doesn't mind doing other things, is because she doesn't wanna lose you...But the way I see it...You are so obsessed with having sex with her that you forget that there are other things you can two enjoy and appreciate together .... Like there is nothing on your mind except sex...You are putting her in a really hard place..She wanna please you, but she wanna honor her words as well to save herself until marriage! Edited April 10, 2013 by Noproblem 1
kamani Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I hate to ask you this question. Did she enjoy making out sessions? Are you sure that she's physically attracted to you? 3
Aerrie Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 If I were to react to the topic name in short, I would say: what girlfriend? Men show love through physical acts. Thus you are in a "relationship", where you are not allowed to show love the way you feel it. You can only talk about it. Such a relationship is bulls*. You probably should honestly her about what you feel. No matter how much you love her and try to resist your urges, the primal need for sex is just too powerful. Especially since you are seeing her 4-5 times a week and in love. I have done this once, for about 3 months, and I became really starved for sex, felt like a beast on a chain. No matter how Christly and unselfish your love is, you cannot overcome what you are. Your whole priority list will disappear and SEX will be the first and only thing on your want-to-do list. Only after it is satisified, will it revert to normal things like dating, school, work, family, friends, taking a walk, watching a film, etc. Personally, during all this celibate, I would not actually feel like I was with her during a date. The time was not quality time so to speak. After each such date, I felt like calling her to have another immediately and do it right this time, because the nature was not fullfilled. I find it unlikely, that suddenly, come wedding night, she would become a horny girl wanting regular sex. If she does not feel the need now, after 9 months with you, it will not magically appear. She would probably only do it for you... for a while. By then, she would loathe it because of all the pressure from you for so many more months till the wedding. I would not be surprised if she eventually backed off from the wedding anyway due to all this pressure. If not, you would be making a huge commitment already on its way to be doomed. I know it is tough to hear, but you need to end this, it is not even actually a relationship by its nature, so you are only hurting yourself and her by dragging this on. All this religion cr*p like sex after wedding, belief in God, etc., is just invented imaginary things for the weak minded, who cannot explain unnatural things and need something to follow like a flock of sheep. And thank fk nowadays society is brutally moving the HELL away from it. In my country the amount of believers is dropping rapidly and I am only glad. I too, had to endure a relationship with such a girl and I do not wish that on anyone. If I had to visit a curch, it would be only to desecrate it by having sex in the sin confession booth or whatever it is called. It has cost enough millions of lives already during inquisition and religious wars. Show her this, so she knows what she is following Bible actually sais that women are not equal to men and should keep their mouths shut in church and only ask their hubbies at home. And more such things. 4
USMCHokie Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 All this religion cr*p like sex after wedding, belief in God, etc., is just invented imaginary things for the weak minded, who cannot explain unnatural things and need something to follow like a flock of sheep. And thank fk nowadays society is brutally moving the HELL away from it. I loved the entire post, and I could not have said the above better myself... But the post above brings to mind the Love Languages...physical touch being one of them... 1
Mint Sauce Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 To acknowledge the constraints of his situation or provide feedback relevant to such a situation would run counter to their own agenda. Why let a few pesky details get in the way of a prime opportunity to bash and demean? Rather, the other posters read very well what was implied in the OP: they both agreed only full penetrative sex had to wait until marriage, but other types of fooling around were ok. But now it appears his gf is uncomfortable with these types of foreplay as well. His gut may very well be correct: this is not about waiting until marriage, but more about hang-ups or a lack of actual physical attraction. I think it would be rather stupid to believe all will change after they got married. OP, you should not feel guilty about making a big deal of this. It is a big deal, and potentially a deal-breaker for your marriage. If you don't find the prospect of your sex life with her appealing, based on an extrapolation from what you experience now, marrying her is not a good idea. 2
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I don't see the OP's girlfriend to be much different than many women here. Smart women require a man to show that their words and actions are consistent before having sex with them. The OP is not being consistent and I'd say, she is right not to trust him. The OP claims he wants to wait until marriage with his WORDS... but then shows with his actions that he prefers otherwise. If he doesn't want to wait until marriage, then leave this woman so she can find someone who will respect her decision... If he does want to wait until marriage, then he needs to find people to talk to who will support his and their decision... not come to places where people will give him excuses to bully and demean her. Blaming her and demonizing her for HIS lack of initiative or indecision on one or the other is all too typical here.
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Rather, the other posters read very well what was implied in the OP: they both agreed only full penetrative sex had to wait until marriage, but other types of fooling around were ok. But now it appears his gf is uncomfortable with these types of foreplay as well. Because she is put in the uncomfortable position of continually having to put the brakes on in order to protect what was supposedly a mutual decision. If they both have a healthy sex drive and are attracted to each other... it isn't easy for HER either!! A decision to wait until marriage requires that BOTH people don't put themselves in a position where either would fail. It is entirely possible that she's come to the conclusion that he's not interested in putting on the brakes, doesn't really want to wait until marriage, and just wants to see what he can get away with... She's losing respect and trust for him. ....She is witnessing how things will be after marriage too. That he will persist with what he wants using any means necessary, despite her wishes...and that during a crisis, he will refuse to seek guidance and further disrespect her... this kind of selfish behavior on his part will only be continued after marriage. They both need to work together and find people who will help them learn effective negotiation skills.
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