When did you give up hope?

[BrokenPrincess]

Today marks 1 week of unexplained NC. He's on business travel today away from home and still hasn't reached out to me. I think I'm getting the hint.

 

When do you realize/accept that your A was truly over? If they disappeared- a certain # of days or weeks til you realized AP was gone? A certain amount of time post DDay? Multiple DDays?

 

Did you keep trying to make it work or win them back? How did you know it was time to give up hope?

[PurpleGal]

Hi BP. I don't have any advice or answers, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're hurting. I know you care about him, and a week with no word must have been rough. I hope you get an explanation soon, or are able to move on and heal despite not getting one.

[BrokenPrincess]

I thought we had a strong friendship too. I hope you don't have to find out how impossible it is to be friends with someone you still want to kiss, and to hold back from slipping back into your old dynamic of lighthearted flirting.

[yessy21]

It was over the moment they left. I'm sorry your hurting, but its time to give up hope.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

My MM has done that maybe 2 or 3 times over the last year and a 1/2. He went maybe.... 12 days with unexplained NC and then I saw him at work and he immidately texted like nothing ever happened. I was resistant, but eventually caved.

 

Mine will do it with like 4 or 5 days and then some weeks we'll talk everyday. It's the dynamic. And I hate him for it, but I put up with him. What you allow is what will continue. And, I allow it. But I don't chase him either. He may not be talking to me, but I'm not talking to him either the way I see it.

 

Good luck with it. I've been there. Do things to take your mind off it. And remember, don't worry about someone who isn't worrying about you.

[Praying4Peace]

I wouldn't give up hope that he won't ever contact you. He didn't have a Dday. Even if he has a change of heart he'll call you to make sure he leaves the door open or give you some sort of nonclosure disguised as closure. But I'm pretty positive that he's going to call soon, so don't give up hope there.

 

I would give up hope about something else...that there wont be a next time he goes missing. That you wont feel like writing the exact same post in about a month from now. That somehow you guys will end up together without any pain or suffering or that you'll let each other go completely without any pain or suffering. In that context- you should give up hope :(:(

 

I really feel for you. When I read your posts about you and your MM and how you feel I can totally empathize with you. Its just crushing. ((hugs))

 

P4P

[ThatJustHappened]

Why not try to meet a single guy and stop having to worry about this at all?

[chaser0195]

I don't know your story so forgive me if this isn't an option but why don't you call him and ask him why he is MIA?

[Ladydrib]

Today marks 1 week of unexplained NC. He's on business travel today away from home and still hasn't reached out to me. I think I'm getting the hint.

 

When do you realize/accept that your A was truly over? If they disappeared- a certain # of days or weeks til you realized AP was gone? A certain amount of time post DDay? Multiple DDays?

 

Did you keep trying to make it work or win them back? How did you know it was time to give up hope?

 

If someone walks away from you, whether it's an affair or a traditional relationship, F them. They are not worth a thought in your head. They are completely diarepecting you. Focus on that and just walk away from him. It hurts. I can feel the sting when I read how he's treating you like you are worthless. Do you deserve that??? No! Don't allow it. Remove him from your thoughts and life. Give it time. Be patient. It will take a while to let go of the hope.

[Lillyfree]

hi BP, i'm sorry that you are going through this. a whole week's worth of him not contacting you sends a very clear message.

 

in these sort of situations hope is just a hindrance when it comes to healing.

[stevie_23]

Well, for me it was a bit difficult to really KNOW it was over...because we had 4 D-days during our 2 years together. The first 2 D-days were uneventful in terms of us. The third one resulted in him going silent for 2 weeks (after explaining what had happened. He didn't tell me he'd be going silent for 2 weeks though), so I was just kind of waiting and worrying and feeling abandoned.

 

He also got really sick and was in the hospital 2 months before that 3rd D-day I mentioned above, and he also got married and then left me for a month. I could not accept it was over. He wrote me a rather beautiful and very sad final email, telling me what was happening and so technically I knew it was over, but I didn't give up. And then he came back in a month.

 

Then on the 4th & final D-day, which I didn't know had happened until he finally explained after 10 days of absolute NC and I was going CRAZY with distress, not knowing where he'd gone, he told me and said he just couldn't do it anymore. So again, I didn't really accept it was truly over. Because I'd had so many ups and downs and it never really WAS over, I thought this was just another one of those times, you know?

 

When he still hadn't contacted me or responded to anything I said or did 2 weeks after he sent that final email, I stopped trying. And I still had hope that maybe HE might try if I'd stopped, but he didn't. And so maybe a month after THAT, I finally realised it was actually over for good this time.

[movingon45]

I thought we had a strong friendship too. I hope you don't have to find out how impossible it is to be friends with someone you still want to kiss, and to hold back from slipping back into your old dynamic of lighthearted flirting.

 

 

I thought so, too, but it just doesn't work that way, does it?

[MissBee]

Today marks 1 week of unexplained NC. He's on business travel today away from home and still hasn't reached out to me. I think I'm getting the hint.

 

When do you realize/accept that your A was truly over? If they disappeared- a certain # of days or weeks til you realized AP was gone? A certain amount of time post DDay? Multiple DDays?

 

Did you keep trying to make it work or win them back? How did you know it was time to give up hope?

 

For me, we had tried to end things and "be friends" for a while but eventually we'd fall back into the same pattern and it was still an EA.

 

However, it got to a point, where he slowly became distant. It started with him being busy at work because of a new client they took on which had a difference in time zone, which gave him odd work hours. Like yours, his too started innocuous, as merely a business thing. Over time though, we went from talking every single day, in some form or fashion, to every few days, or a quick call and he said he'd call back and wouldn't, to a whole week of nothing, to weeks of nothing. With each increasing period of time I realized what was happening.

 

I didn't try to win him back, although for a while he kept tryin to assure me it was work and I bought it for a while.As even after a week or two of no or minimum contact he'd follow up with a grand email to "explain" and apologize. However, things really didn't change. I did end up reaching out first a few times, as I still believed maybe it was just work. But one of the final straws was after being worried about him, I called, and we lived in different countries, so it was expensive (normally he had a VOIP service that gave him a U.S. number which I could call on, which he also got rid of but tbh I don't remember now if it was during that time he got rid of it or it was before, it might have been before) and I told him I was worried and how I was calling direct. He put me on hold after about 2 minutes and then came back and said he would call back, he never did . I think I reached out to him once more,only because I needed him to hook me up with one of his business partners, who could help me with an event I was running for an org. I was in. But I did not chase him emotionally. I think I called his cell and hung up a couple times as I was incredulous that he could have just disappeared . But besides that, I actually allowed it to go to 6 months NC before I sent him a "closure email", which he didn't respond to, until he showed up a year later to explain himself.

 

Long story short, the end came rumbling in and announced itself. I could see it from afar. He officially initiated NC, so to speak, but for a few months before I was unhappy and we kept arguing and having "talks." I kept saying I just wanted to be friends, it was taking a toll on me, and since those conversations started because of my increased frustration with the A, it slowly degraded until it ended.

[MissBee]

Well, in our case, we have a strong friendship foundation intact, so even if our physically intimate relationship comes to an end (I'll believe it when I see it), we know we will stay friends forever. We think about each other every day.

 

Just like in "normal" relationships, if the foundation is not friendship, there is nothing. True friends don't go MIA.

 

 

 

Well...I guess you'll just have to wait and see and believe when it happens. I personally do not think you can say this right now that you will think about each other everyday and forever be friends. It's naive IMO...most people think this and for most it is absolutely not true. They may intend it at the time, but often, such is life that sometimes when you break up and move on...you are no longer tied to being friends.

 

Your situation doesn't sound like "true friendship" from anything you've ever said. But true friends who end up dating...it changes things. PERIOD. The true friendship, and never going MIA thing is for platonic friends who don't cross that line. But once your friendship becomes a romantic relationship, all bets are off and you can't hop back over and be normal friends again most times. Just the nature of the game.

[thefooloftheyear]

 

Well...I guess you'll just have to wait and see and believe when it happens. I personally do not think you can say this right now that you will think about each other everyday and forever be friends. It's naive IMO...most people think this and for most it is absolutely not true. They may intend it at the time, but often, such is life that sometimes when you break up and move on...you are no longer tied to being friends.

 

Your situation doesn't sound like "true friendship" from anything you've ever said. But true friends who end up dating...it changes things. PERIOD. The true friendship, and never going MIA thing is for platonic friends who don't cross that line. But once your friendship becomes a romantic relationship, all bets are off and you can't hop back over and be normal friends again most times. Just the nature of the game.

 

Agreed...

 

And this is true, regardless of whether the relationship is just an affair or a run of the mill bf/gf deal. Its very hard to just "turn it off"... It would be nice if it could, and maybe after some time has gone by there can be some establishment of friendship..

 

Its just my experience that it doesnt work...

 

TFOY

[lifelesson101]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am too. It feels like a stake through the heart, doesn't it? Ugh...

 

I don't know if it is over of if something serious came up with him or a family member. From what I understand there was just "nothing." Right? Give it a little more time, maybe you will hear from him. Others may disagree with me on this, but send him a very brief eamial and point blank ask him. Do not send him a sappy, groveling, ILY and miss you email. Just one or two lines asking him where things are at. If he doesn't respond. You have your answer. If he responds and says i"t is over," you have your answer. If her responds and says he is going through something personal, needs time, etc., well. . . you get to decide if you want to hang around and wait.

 

I was in a long-term two year affair. I was dumped via a two line email demanding no contact after W allegedly found out. I wrote about it in another post. It has been over two months with no contact now. I cannot say it has gotten better, but it has gotten easier. I miss the friendship and daily connection. The hardest part for me is not having some of the answers I need. I will probably never get them.

 

Be strong.

[skywriter]

BrokenPrincess,"How did you know it was time to give up hope?"

 

I knew it was time to give up hope, when he tried to hook up with my girlfriends and I had this urge to chase him down the street with a Louisville Slugger in hand. Yikes!!! Time to go!

[movingon45]

 

 

But once your friendship becomes a romantic relationship, all bets are off and you can't hop back over and be normal friends again most times. Just the nature of the game.

 

and that's what makes it so hard to move on. You not only lost a lover, you also lost a friend. You lost someone forever.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

and that's what makes it so hard to move on. You not only lost a lover, you also lost a friend. You lost someone forever.

 

This is so hard and I agree with the above because I've lived it and know the pain involved - it's excruciating.

 

However, I agree with LG as well. Even though I still have bad moments, I think about how he tried to manipulate me and even his wife (after the first D-Day). She didn't want anyone to know - not even my husband. She wanted to keep it between the 3 of us "trusting" that we could refrain from being physical again. It may have been a loving motivation at the time, but I think she was scared too.

 

Anyway, the letters he sent me, the long emotional conversations via text and email and phone, etc. - all attempts to control me and wanting to have it both ways. Wanting his family at home and wanting me on the side and be a part of my family - he even wrote about wanting my daughter to be the big sister his son never had. Sometimes I think he weirdly got satisfaction out of the fact that we were all hanging out and he was pretending my husband was one of his best friends and yet he was sleeping with me (me as well regarding her - but I was an emotional basket case). I'll never forget the week before D-Day we had a party and my brother was there - his last memory of him was in my husband's tv room with the remote acting as if it was all his. He thought he had balls.

 

I am sickened I could be so weak and needy. I am so much wiser now and much more alert to my own weaknesses and hopefully smart enough to stay clear.

 

I'm sorry for your pain - I really am.

[HeartWon'tHeal]

My xMM did something similar to me and did not answer my text for a week. Then I sent another text because I was very concerned about him. Deep down I also knew the end of our A was coming. What an emotional roller coaster that week was for me.

 

Looking back he was rude, selfish, inconsiderate, and a jerk. Just thinking about it makes me mad today. I am a person that has feelings and he ignored me like I did not matter. It felt like he tossed me aside like garbage.

 

If I were you I would end it with your MM and take some time to heal before looking for a SINGLE and AVAILABLE man. You are worth so much more and deserve so much more than waiting for his scraps. If you stay in your A it will only bring more heartache.

 

Damn that felt good to share that.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I thought about your post earlier today. My MM and I haven't "seen each other alone" in almost two weeks. He texted this past Friday just saying Hello and he loved me. But, today would be day 5 of nothing. I saw him at work again this morning and he said hello like normal and winked at me.

But WTF? Last time we were together you looooved me and just couldnt stop thinking about me.

But now, this great love has led you to pretty much have no conversation with me for the last two weeks? And I'm sitting here now and I debate back and forth about saying Hi or just anything to engage him. But, if he wanted to talk to me- he would, right? And it just makes me feel so... worthless. Like, that I have to ask for attention almost. IDK. It's so hard sometimes. The "game" of it all. And maybe I'm being needy and maybe I want more-- but that in itself is the issue.... he cant give me what I need and want. SO, then it comes back to me. Not him. It's exhausting.

 

Anyway, I hope you're doing okay.

 

EDIT: Ha. My MM literally texted 3 minutes after I posted this and as I was reading the post from GreySky about "what did I lose.." and getting all motivated. Literally all he said was "You looked so nice today." What?!! Ridiculous. And gosh how I want to just not respond. But I don't know how not to. And it makes me sound and feel like a helpless child. I wish there was a pill for this.

Edited April 10, 2013 by GreyhoundtoNowhere

[MissBee]

and that's what makes it so hard to move on. You not only lost a lover, you also lost a friend. You lost someone forever.

 

But you do move on though. That's the good thing.

 

I am of the belief that some relationships (platonic and otherwise) are transient and not meant to be permanent and some are solid and lifelong.

 

It took a lot for me to learn that esp romantically. At the time, esp. when in love you cannot imagine life without this person and you imagine you will be friends forever, even if things don't work out. It seems hard to "throw it all away"....but usually with time, if they are truly meant to be a solid fixture, you will be able to have a normal relationship once you are both healed. If they aren't meant to be in your life, the good thing is you do eventually move on and don't feel hung up on your "lost friendship."

[BrokenPrincess]

EDIT: Ha. My MM literally texted 3 minutes after I posted this and as I was reading the post from GreySky about "what did I lose.." and getting all motivated. Literally all he said was "You looked so nice today." What?!! Ridiculous. And gosh how I want to just not respond. But I don't know how not to. And it makes me sound and feel like a helpless child. I wish there was a pill for this.

 

Thanks for adding this edit. I was also thinking about your post yesterday of 12 days of NC when MM suddenly emailed me, saying he wasn't doing too well but alas, there he was like he didn't just ignore me for 7 days. And I was furiously writing out a big "screw you cowardly jerk" letter when suddenly an email from him popped up. Sigh..

[BrokenPrincess]

For me, we had tried to end things and "be friends" for a while but eventually we'd fall back into the same pattern and it was still an EA.

 

However, it got to a point, where he slowly became distant. It started with him being busy at work because of a new client they took on which had a difference in time zone, which gave him odd work hours. Like yours, his too started innocuous, as merely a business thing. Over time though, we went from talking every single day, in some form or fashion, to every few days, or a quick call and he said he'd call back and wouldn't, to a whole week of nothing, to weeks of nothing. With each increasing period of time I realized what was happening.

 

I didn't try to win him back, although for a while he kept tryin to assure me it was work and I bought it for a while.As even after a week or two of no or minimum contact he'd follow up with a grand email to "explain" and apologize. However, things really didn't change. I did end up reaching out first a few times, as I still believed maybe it was just work. But one of the final straws was after being worried about him, I called, and we lived in different countries, so it was expensive (normally he had a VOIP service that gave him a U.S. number which I could call on, which he also got rid of but tbh I don't remember now if it was during that time he got rid of it or it was before, it might have been before) and I told him I was worried and how I was calling direct. He put me on hold after about 2 minutes and then came back and said he would call back, he never did . I think I reached out to him once more,only because I needed him to hook me up with one of his business partners, who could help me with an event I was running for an org. I was in. But I did not chase him emotionally. I think I called his cell and hung up a couple times as I was incredulous that he could have just disappeared . But besides that, I actually allowed it to go to 6 months NC before I sent him a "closure email", which he didn't respond to, until he showed up a year later to explain himself.

 

Long story short, the end came rumbling in and announced itself. I could see it from afar. He officially initiated NC, so to speak, but for a few months before I was unhappy and we kept arguing and having "talks." I kept saying I just wanted to be friends, it was taking a toll on me, and since those conversations started because of my increased frustration with the A, it slowly degraded until it ended.

 

Thanks for sharing this...I am wondering if this is the path we will go down as well, assuming no DDay. I wonder if this hurts less than abrupt NC ending? Or is just an even worse, slow painful death of the relationship?

[BrokenPrincess]

Well, for me it was a bit difficult to really KNOW it was over...because we had 4 D-days during our 2 years together.

 

How did you manage to hold it together at home through all that? I managed to keep myself together (barely) all day yesterday, stomach full of knots, and then burst into tears & sobbed the second I got into my hotel room. Thankfully I had this trip because I was getting increasingly paranoid, anxious, depressed, and angry this weekend...didnt think I would be able to hide it from H.