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Wondering if we have long-term potential

salparadise

By salparadise
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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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I've been dating a nice woman for about two months. We get along well. We have similar interests both in the activities we like, books, music and life philosophies. We haven't had the exclusivity talk but we've both hidden our online profiles. So far so good, although I wouldn't say the most amazing chemistry ever, but good. Now, the issue that concerns me is income disparity. She makes a lot of money. I'm not sure how much exactly but probably in the top 2 percentile. On the other hand, I just make ends meet. She knows this but so far it hasn't seemed to affect how she feels about "us." So the question is, can a woman get past this stuff or is it a woman's DNA that she must be provided for and that the man must be a high earner? Or, should I just kiss her goodbye sooner rather than later with the understanding that it's only going to work with women who make equal or less than me?

Edited by salparadise
debber01 Established Member

debber01

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IMO, it wouldn't matter to me. I moved to Chicago for an IT job years ago and the (ex) husband followed with no job prospects at all. He'd always been blue collar (not a big deal) and found a job making 1/3 of what I did. I carried everything financially for 4 years when he finally opened a small business. So I continued to carry financially for the first few years of the business as well. It didn't bother me at all. I viewed us as a team--it was my turn to carry the family because, well, I could!

 

I wouldn't sweat it OP. If you like this woman, just roll with it. If it doesn't bother her, it shouldn't bother you, FWIW. I sometimes think men analyze too much! Lol.

Poppy fields Established Member

Poppy fields

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Haven't you ever heard of a kept man? You might have struck the jackpot here.

 

How do you feel about changing diapers, pureeing baby food, and play dates with nannies and other rich Moms? I see that in your future.

reaver Established Member

reaver

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Women have come much further in terms of overcoming evolutionary wirings than men have. I think its fine. As long as she doesnt care about the disparity it does not matter. I have seen issues arise when either the guy became insecure and resentful he didnt make as much (doesnt sound like you) or when the woman did (doesnt sound like her based on what you wrote).

 

I would love to see the day when men start overcoming their obsession with female beauty when picking dating partners (their evolutionary wiring). I have a feeling that will never happen.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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I think I'd be more concerned if there were a large educational disparity, or a large intelligence disparity, which usually doesn't make for a compatible relationship long term. I'd also be concerned with whether the woman has a controlling nature and think that because she makes a much higher income, does she show signs of wanting to control the decisions among you, such as always insisting on going where she wants and disregarding your wishes, or disregarding or dismissing your opinion on things because she feels she's at a higher level than you. So it's not the income per se that's a problem, but the other factors that may come along with it that I would have a concern about.

clia Established Member

clia

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If she is in the top 2%, she is likely very used to dating men who make less money than she does. Typically, it is men who have a problem with this arrangement, not women. Women like this do appreciate it when the man picks up the tab sometimes and can keep up; however, they don't technically mind if they have to do a little more if they make a lot more. So, you should consider whether your masculinity is going to take a hit or not in the long term. Are you anywhere close to her in earnings? Do you make close to or more than six figures?

 

Consider the following:

 

What is her lifestyle like? Are you comfortable with it?

 

Does she like to go to expensive restaurants? Will you be capable of picking up the tab sometimes? Will it make you uncomfortable if she chooses the $100 bottle of wine? Will it make you uncomfortable if she wants the $100 steak dinner?

 

Does she like to buy expensive clothes/shoes? Will it make you uncomfortable if she spends $600 or more on a pair of shoes or a purse?

 

Does she like to travel? Will it make you uncomfortable if she has to pay for you to travel with her (or part of it)?

 

If she makes that much, she might also work a lot. Consider how you feel about that. A lot of men don't like that.

 

Just some food for thought for you.

 

That said, don't get lazy. You should treat her depending on what you can afford. And you can "be the man" in other ways like fixing things around her house, taking out her trash, washing her car, and cutting the grass for her. :p

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
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I've never been the higher earner, but I wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

The things I care about most in a man and my relationship with him are:

 

  • Chemistry and connection
  • Honesty, fidelity, and good character
  • Similar goals and interests
  • Fun, intelligence, good conversation
  • Emotional and practical support, having each other's back
  • Passion and ambition (not income)
  • Physicality and throw-down in bed

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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Haven't you ever heard of a kept man? You might have struck the jackpot here. How do you feel about changing diapers, pureeing baby food, and play dates with nannies and other rich Moms? I see that in your future.

 

Sure, money flowing like water could be nice in one sense but I'd never feel like it was my money. Money is also the source of a lot of misery- having too much (and not being wise) or not having enough and living in the shadow of someone who has more than they need.

 

We're older, so no more diapers in my future. My baby is starting college.

 

I have seen issues arise when either the guy became insecure and resentful he didnt make as much (doesnt sound like you) or when the woman did (doesnt sound like her based on what you wrote).

 

I think we're both generally aware of the potential pitfalls, it's a matter of whether being aware of them means being able to circumvent them. This is an unknown for the moment- time will tell.

 

I think I'd be more concerned if there were a large educational disparity, or a large intelligence disparity, which usually doesn't make for a compatible relationship long term. I'd also be concerned with whether the woman has a controlling nature and think that because she makes a much higher income, does she show signs of wanting to control the decisions among you, such as always insisting on going where she wants and disregarding your wishes, or disregarding or dismissing your opinion on things because she feels she's at a higher level than you. So it's not the income per se that's a problem, but the other factors that may come along with it that I would have a concern about.

 

Insightful thoughts Kathy. There may be some disparity there too. She's in the top 2 percentile in intelligence too, officially. She says she believes I'm right in there but I'm not so sure. Haven't been tested. I can hold my own in a conversation I guess. Education- she's top level, I'm mid.

 

If she is in the top 2%, she is likely very used to dating men who make less money than she does. Typically, it is men who have a problem with this arrangement, not women.

 

She hasn't dated all that much. We were both married for over two decades and we each had one serious relationship since. But yea, it might be hard for her to find someone eligible and compatible who earns the same or more simply because they are such a small percentage. She is attractive though, so who knows.

 

I can see how men would have a hard time with this. Our identities are often associated with being the breadwinner-protector-provider. I think the key is that she will need to respect me without regard to the income disparity. If she starts looking down her nose, or using it as leverage to get her way all the time, making unilateral decisions, then it probably would not be doable.

 

 

So, you should consider whether your masculinity is going to take a hit or not in the long term. Are you anywhere close to her in earnings?

 

No, I'm not really close. I was once a high earner but technology has gutted my industry and it ain't coming back. Her's wasn't affected in the least.

 

That said, don't get lazy. You should treat her depending on what you can afford. And you can "be the man" in other ways like fixing things around her house, taking out her trash, washing her car, and cutting the grass for her. :p

 

Are you being facetious? She hires people to do the yard work, house cleaning, etc. So if I stay around I should take over all of the unskilled labor, and hope that seems manly to her…. I don't think that's going to do anything except knock those guys out of a paycheck and make me look like someone who mows grass for a living. Adding something new and exciting to her life is the key to her heart, not taking over the grunt work.

 

 

I've never been the higher earner, but I wouldn't have a problem with it. The things I care about most in a man and my relationship with him are:

 

  • Chemistry and connection
  • Honesty, fidelity, and good character
  • Similar goals and interests
  • Fun, intelligence, good conversation
  • Emotional and practical support, having each other's back
  • Passion and ambition (not income)
  • Physicality and throw-down in bed

 

Ah Ruby, you have a way with words. Yes indeed. How about a silver throated rendition of Over the Rainbow to go along with that throw-down? Every man should have a woman as enlightened as you. ;-)

 

 

she isn't the one who has a problem. she doesn't care. its you were are making an issue over it, just let it go. is it that your ego is so big that you can't date a women earning more. don't ruin a good thing.

 

I am the one who posted, yes that's true. But to presume that she hasn't thought about it or doesn't care is not accurate. We're both aware of the potential for it to be an issue. No, my ego is not so big or I wouldn't bother posting and asking for such a conversation. I am certainly willing to try, but if it appears doomed I'd rather bail sooner rather than later- before we are too heavily invested (no pun intended).

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clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted
Are you being facetious? She hires people to do the yard work, house cleaning, etc. So if I stay around I should take over all of the unskilled labor, and hope that seems manly to her…. I don't think that's going to do anything except knock those guys out of a paycheck and make me look like someone who mows grass for a living. Adding something new and exciting to her life is the key to her heart, not taking over the grunt work.

 

I'm not being facetious, and I'm not sure why you equated what I said with taking over the "grunt work" (what does that even mean?) or taking over all of her necessary unskilled labor.

 

My point is that if you aren't able to be the provider in the traditional male sense with regard to income, you should try to take on the traditional male role in other ways by doing the more stereotypical men's things for her. If you don't, then as you pointed out, she becomes the one in complete control of the relationship, and you are doing nothing more than playing the female in the relationship and letting her handle everything.

 

Most women like it a lot when their boyfriends do "manly" things for them -- even things you might consider beneath you or unskilled grunt work -- such as taking out the trash, changing a light bulb in the garage, washing the car, taking the car to get the oil changed, carrying the deck furniture outside in the spring, cutting the grass, dragging the empty trashcans up the driveway, carrying boxes out to the car to take to Goodwill, unclogging the toilet, shoveling the snow off the walkway, killing a spider, etc. These are all things that have to be done by someone. If she was married for a long time, her husband probably did a lot of these things.

 

So, fair enough that she has hired people to do some of these types of things (ding, ding, ding, she doesn't want to do them herself!) but I was just trying to give you examples of things boyfriends have done for me that I really appreciated. Can you see how it means a lot more when your boyfriend takes out the trash for you than when John Smith who you are paying $10 an hour does it for you? Can you see how it means a lot more when your boyfriend goes to Home Depot and buys a new lightbulb and then drags out the ladder and climbs up onto it to replace the burnt out bulb in your garage ceiling than if $10 an hour John Smith is doing it?

 

You are the one who knows her, so you are in a better position to know ways that you can be manly and masculine and do things to help her out in order to maintain the right balance in the relationship. Most women appreciate this kind of thing a lot. But hey, if you think all you need to do is be new and exciting (which you won't be forever), then you can ignore what I'm telling you.

 

I do think it is interesting that your reaction was that I was telling you to do "unskilled labor" and "grunt work" for her and to be the guy who mows the lawn. That's not what I'm saying at all.

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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I do think it is interesting that your reaction was that I was telling you to do "unskilled labor" and "grunt work" for her and to be the guy who mows the lawn. That's not what I'm saying at all.

 

Ok, I have a better understanding of what you meant now. You're really just saying to look for other contexts in which to take the lead and do the traditional manly things. I get that. All of that comes pretty naturally to me and I'm more than happy to help her out with such things. But the context sort of precludes certain other things- like mowing the grass. For starters, she doesn't even own a mower. She has a service, and a big yard. Plus, I live an hour away. When I see her there's [nearly] always a plan for how we'll spend our time. I don't hang around much otherwise. So it's not the same as if we were living together, or even a mile or two apart.

 

She is actually quite perceptive in that she allows plenty of opportunity for me to be in control, make the decisions. And she expresses appreciation for it too. This is another facet of the situation- when a woman is revered for being so damn smart and competent wherever she goes, it makes it hard for her to express her femininity and submissive side. It's clear that she wants me to provide that opportunity for her. This really is an interesting experience and I'm hoping it continues to go smoothly. She actually proposed a plan for something five months away, so I'd say so far so good.

 

Thank you for your insights.

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