gone down the road as far as I can go...

[2sunny]

There's a lot of beauty in knowing that you no longer need to waste your time or energy trying to make it work - when your W clearly had no intention of doing her part in fixing what she's broken.

[native7two]

Wondering if anybody has heard of this: the wayward spouse starting to act delusional as if they are the abused one? In a fit of rage last October, after a long fight in which my wife brought up some deeply hurtful words that brought up the affair, I lost control and slapped her on the face. This happened once. And only once. In our entire marriage. And I felt terrible, TERRIBLE, absolutely shaken to my core, immediately afterwards, and immediately enrolled myself in anger management therapy. Taking accountability for my actions as best I could. The wife, for her part, enrolled herself in an abused wife group. (She never enrolled herself in a cheater's group.) Now she is this weird stage of delusion -- that I am the abuser and she is the victim. She has built this weird narrative where my emotional duress and anger during recovery from her betrayal is in fact my abuse problem and all these women in her group are reinforcing this idea. I am more worried for her now than upset. It's like she's gone completely off the rails. Is this a familiar phenomenon to anyone?

[BetrayedH]

Wondering if anybody has heard of this: the wayward spouse starting to act delusional as if they are the abused one? In a fit of rage last October, after a long fight in which my wife brought up some deeply hurtful words that brought up the affair, I lost control and slapped her on the face. This happened once. And only once. In our entire marriage. And I felt terrible, TERRIBLE, absolutely shaken to my core, immediately afterwards, and immediately enrolled myself in anger management therapy. Taking accountability for my actions as best I could. The wife, for her part, enrolled herself in an abused wife group. (She never enrolled herself in a cheater's group.) Now she is this weird stage of delusion -- that I am the abuser and she is the victim. She has built this weird narrative where my emotional duress and anger during recovery from her betrayal is in fact my abuse problem and all these women in her group are reinforcing this idea. I am more worried for her now than upset. It's like she's gone completely off the rails. Is this a familiar phenomenon to anyone?

 

Yep. Eight months into reconciling, I discovered my wife's graphic blog about her first encounter with the OM (which was on my couch with the kids asleep in the next room), I lost it and pushed her out the front door. She fell and scraped her hand and knee. I went to jail for 15 hours. She was forever the victim after that and divorced me. It was her free pass. I did 10 weeks of anger management and everything else to get the state to ultimately drop the charges.

 

Let them have their delusions; there's nothing you can do about it.

Edited April 15, 2013 by BetrayedH

[troubadour]

In a fit of rage last October, after a long fight in which my wife brought up some deeply hurtful words that brought up the affair, I lost control and slapped her on the face.

 

You have no right to slap her on the face regardless of the circumstances. She is right... you are the abuser and she is the victim.

 

In your original post you said:

 

I can fess up to my own issues -- some verbal anger management, namely, but I have never been physically abusive, I just have a very intense way of using words which is hurtful, I own that part of myself 100%, but I'm not the classic "abuser".

 

Well, it clearly isn't the case.... she did what she did but you have been abusive toward her and getting divorced may be the best option for both of you.

 

.

Edited April 15, 2013 by troubadour

[native7two]

I have to agree with troubadour's assertion, although the story is a tad more complicated than snap judgments -- is a one-time cheater always labelled a "classic cheater" based upon one misstep? But I can't expect to stand in judgment of my wife's failings if I can't also stand in judgment of my own. If being betrayed teaches you one thing, it is humility and the fearless acceptance of changing oneself for the better -- there's no choice, it's that or eternal unhappiness. The fact that my WS is clinging to victimhood as a lever to avoid confrontation is a separate issue. I have clearly and repeatedly expressed remorse for that one face-slap, and have taken clear action on my part to seek actionable help to never ever repeat that behavior ever again. I took this step to try and keep the reconciliation going as much as for myself. But, yes, divorce is the only option given realities on the ground.

[2sunny]

When she placed her inheritance money I. The joint account - in most states - that amount would immediately become half yours.

 

 

Check with an attorney since she withdrew the money. She shouldn't be spending it if half of it is yours since it was in the joint account.

 

Some married people - when given an inheritance - are mindful to keep it in their name only.

 

She may have messed that one up - but I'd bet half of it is legally yours.that may be why she took it out at this point.

[native7two]

At this point, I'm suddenly more concerned that my wife in spiraling into a psychotic breakdown. She is now in hyper-gaslighting mode but the delusions are getting crazier and she seems to be losing grip with reality as I distance myself from her.

 

She become raving mad, completely irrational, making all sorts of cheap idle threats about lawyers and supposedly "abusive text messages" that she would never make good on (forgetting all of secret sexting she herself sent for months on end). And now she's writing emails to herself with little entries of all of my behavior, none of it "abusive" in any sense other than 2 people headed into a garden-variety divorce. She is starting every conversation with fighting words, barbs, provocation, and then sends emails to herself describing my reactions as abusive.

 

And why is she sending these little email entries to herself?!? Admissible in court as what exactly?!? And not even what I was saying, her own distortion. CRAZY. I am a bit scared that this woman is on the verge of coming at me with a steak knife. Glad that our neighbors agreed to have her stay over there tonight -- my request, not hers. Is there an acronym'd disorder I can pin to this kind of crazy?

[troubadour]

I have to agree with troubadour's assertion, although the story is a tad more complicated than snap judgments -- is a one-time cheater always labelled a "classic cheater" based upon one misstep? But I can't expect to stand in judgment of my wife's failings if I can't also stand in judgment of my own. If being betrayed teaches you one thing, it is humility and the fearless acceptance of changing oneself for the better -- there's no choice, it's that or eternal unhappiness. The fact that my WS is clinging to victimhood as a lever to avoid confrontation is a separate issue. I have clearly and repeatedly expressed remorse for that one face-slap, and have taken clear action on my part to seek actionable help to never ever repeat that behavior ever again. I took this step to try and keep the reconciliation going as much as for myself. But, yes, divorce is the only option given realities on the ground.

 

 

I am sure that the story is much more complicated but you seem to be struggling with understanding that slapping your wife on the face is irreversible, marriage-altering act.

 

It doesn't matter much that you expressed remorse for doing it because she still feels violated. You can talk all you want but you cannot go back in time and unslap your wife just like she cannot do the same and unf**k her OM.

 

You didn't say much about circumstances of the affair but my guess is that due to your verbal abuse there was a lot of resentment on her part toward you and it made the crossing to the dark side easier for her.

[2sunny]

You'd be smart to stop communicating with your wife at this point.

 

She can call your attorney if she needs you to know something/anything.

[troubadour]

At this point, I'm suddenly more concerned that my wife in spiraling into a psychotic breakdown. She is now in hyper-gaslighting mode but the delusions are getting crazier and she seems to be losing grip with reality as I distance myself from her.

 

She become raving mad, completely irrational, making all sorts of cheap idle threats about lawyers and supposedly "abusive text messages" that she would never make good on (forgetting all of secret sexting she herself sent for months on end). And now she's writing emails to herself with little entries of all of my behavior, none of it "abusive" in any sense other than 2 people headed into a garden-variety divorce. She is starting every conversation with fighting words, barbs, provocation, and then sends emails to herself describing my reactions as abusive.

 

And why is she sending these little email entries to herself?!? Admissible in court as what exactly?!? And not even what I was saying, her own distortion. CRAZY. I am a bit scared that this woman is on the verge of coming at me with a steak knife. Glad that our neighbors agreed to have her stay over there tonight -- my request, not hers. Is there an acronym'd disorder I can pin to this kind of crazy?

 

 

Divorce is clearly the best option for both parties involved in this mess.

[BetrayedH]

Much like an addict, your wife needs to hit rock bottom before she'll heal. She's spent a lot of years avoiding this and now it's unavoidable. Considering the depth of her betrayal and the number of lies she had to tell straight to your face, she's likely to use every defense mechanism known to man. She will probably do anything if it makes you stay. If I had to call it something, I'd call it damage control. If you don't leave, she won't have to look at her consequences quite so squarely in the face. Her scarlet A won't be so obvious. It's staying out of guilt, obligation, and fear. It's not a good reason for her to stay with you. And it's not a good reason for you to stay with her. I'm sorry for your struggles.

Edited April 16, 2013 by BetrayedH

[jnel921]

So sorry for what you've gone through. It is understandable how you feel. A truly remorseful spouse would have been honest from the beginning.

 

I decided to reconcile with my H as he told me it happened only twice. Finding out a year later that it was longer than originally explained would change me too. Unfortunately there are WS who will say anything to stay in their current situation. It's lies that was the foundation of their A so what makes the discovery any different? She probably didn't want to hurt you more than you were hurt. however blaming your BPD is no excuse.

 

I do believe that issues within a marriage can lead to this type of behavior. Unless the WS is a complete horn dog I can't see why they would step out of the marriage. They are looking for something that was lacking in the marriage.

 

Going to MC helps to find out exactly what those things may be and narrow it down. But you have to have a remorseful WS and a willing BS to do the work.

 

Lying and blaming doesn't help. We as BS do not just get over it. It is a healing process that takes years.

 

I split with my first H who cheated on me over 15 years ago. That was the best decision I ever made in my life. My kids need a happy parent. Staying in that marriage would have been the end of me. Your relationship with your kids should be your own. In the end they will be fine and so will you.

 

Some people just don't know how to be married and committed. You deserve better and in time you will get just that. You have to be hopeful.

[native7two]

2long, yes: I gotta take your trickle truth argument as valid. I guess it's the difference between months of premeditated hurt versus impulsive hurt -- both damaging a marriage to its core. Unfortunately, WS' family women are all divorcees/strayers (any wonder, commitment-phobia can be a family trait). Her sister is a Housewife-of-Beverly-Hills type with lawyers; she's a nasty vindictive one who projects her own lousy sexless marriage onto egging others into all sorts of conniving schemes: "save the text messages!", "record his every move", sending her all of these ridiculous BPD articles. I have since heard from other psych professionals that indeed my issues have nothing to do with BPD -- one even asked to speak with our MC personally to set him straight.

 

It's going to get ugly quickly, if my wife can't recover some sense of her own usually reasonable identity -- we discussed amicable divorce on many occasions and now my work is to talk her down to a place where she can see the benefit of dropping her armor around custody and finances, that she's hurting the family as much giving me what I deserve. I will give that effort 5 minutes until she either opens up to dialogue, or she fires up the gaslight some more.

 

The WS needs connection with other cooler heads -- she is a solitary bird to the extreme, no real friendships to speak of -- and I am finding myself reaching out to people to try and give her support, if only because a part of me still wants her to be happy. It's hard to see a spouse, wayward or not, open a trapdoor and fall down into such a dark desperate place. As BetrayedH says, she's sliding down to rock bottom.

[native7two]

Things get really interesting when the gaslighting really fires up. Now my wife's inability to communicate with me has reached a fever pitch -- it's like she's become a different person overnight. Now every little argument she starts inevitably engages me in some sort of negative response, and then she starts falsely accusing me of that response being "abusive". The abuser calling the abuser an abuser.

 

The wife is fleeing, moving out tonight -- to some hide-out 10 miles away, she is insisting on being the one who leaves, I am here at home with the kids, which is actually a relief for me. Interestingly when I asked her if one of the kids could shack up overnight with her sometime in her little cottage, she got super-defensive and bat-sh-t-crazy with resistance. Sigh...

 

This just flat out sucks.

[native7two]

To add a bit more clarity to this, she insists on being home to put the kids to bed and hang with them in what is now *my* space, and then fleeing to her remote bedroom where there are no kids to speak of.

[BetrayedH]

Things get really interesting when the gaslighting really fires up. Now my wife's inability to communicate with me has reached a fever pitch -- it's like she's become a different person overnight. Now every little argument she starts inevitably engages me in some sort of negative response, and then she starts falsely accusing me of that response being "abusive". The abuser calling the abuser an abuser.

 

The wife is fleeing, moving out tonight -- to some hide-out 10 miles away, she is insisting on being the one who leaves, I am here at home with the kids, which is actually a relief for me. Interestingly when I asked her if one of the kids could shack up overnight with her sometime in her little cottage, she got super-defensive and bat-sh-t-crazy with resistance. Sigh...

 

This just flat out sucks.

 

Good gravy.

 

My vote is to let her have her temper tantrum. The lawyers will have to clean up this mess. Her departure from the kids won't help her case any, that's for sure.

 

Reduce your contact to only what is necessary for the kids, shared finances, and the divorce. Do as much as you can via email. Text if you have to. Phone when desperate. In person only when it's unavoidable.

 

You need to detach and start living your second life, one that is without her as much as humanly possible. I hope you have a decent support system in place - family, friends, day care.

[BetrayedH]

sorry to say but that smells bad... I think she is going to the OM...

 

If he's local, yeah, I'd bet on that, too.

 

I hope you're documenting EVERYTHING. You really don't want to be successfully painted as an abuser. Cover your arse.

[native7two]

Pretty sure the OM from the A is far gone. He moved across the country months ago and they ceased contact at least from my own extensive intel. I have a hunch that she's own the prowl for any OM at this point -- such desperate need for male validation etc etc. My gut is not lying on this one -- I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid really that might endanger herself.

 

The abuse thing won't stick, because it simply doesn't. The facts don't match up, but all the same I will keep on my toes.

[2sunny]

Things get really interesting when the gaslighting really fires up. Now my wife's inability to communicate with me has reached a fever pitch -- it's like she's become a different person overnight. Now every little argument she starts inevitably engages me in some sort of negative response, and then she starts falsely accusing me of that response being "abusive". The abuser calling the abuser an abuser.

 

The wife is fleeing, moving out tonight -- to some hide-out 10 miles away, she is insisting on being the one who leaves, I am here at home with the kids, which is actually a relief for me. Interestingly when I asked her if one of the kids could shack up overnight with her sometime in her little cottage, she got super-defensive and bat-sh-t-crazy with resistance. Sigh...

 

This just flat out sucks.

 

Seems she has set up a place for herself to do what/who she pleases without the distraction of any family obligations.

 

I'd have a private investigator checking on her actions at her new place.

[native7two]

With a little distance and space things become clearer. My soon-to-be-ex is simply overwhelmed by it all -- she had to flee based upon her own issues, fear stacked on top of fear on top of fear, all enabled by my desperate attempts to rescue things and the resulting anger from not getting her full enrollment in the reconciliation. The slightest bit of anger or criticism sends her in a tailspin -- no way could she have handled the consequences of her affair. It's clear that from her own childhood experiences, she never got her own "power" -- some people just go through life without a center, without a core, drifting from one thing to the next.

 

She has to go on her own, hit the rock-bottom of her own powerlessness, and then hopefully she can at least move forward have the power to be a good mother and co-parent.

 

I still have a lot of anger. Now I here alone with my young kids, my youngest is the 3, and she is tantrum storm most of the time. I am finding myself losing my temper a lot -- this is my work henceforth -- staying cool and centered as single dad.

 

The ex will be moving into her own place where we can have 50/50 going forward. We live in a no-fault state where we can cinch down a collaborative divorce through one lawyer quickly and cheaply, and then nobody can sue anybody else for anything thereafter. The divorce will be amicable -- I don't give a sh-t about her money, we don't own a home together, I know how to make enough money own my own to comp for the added burden, and I'm letting her keep her inheritance as leverage to work down my support payment for the next year or so until I can ratchet up my income a bit. I am helping her to move, helping her by enlisting all of her friends on her behalf. I am not my anger, my wife is not her fear. There's no point in beating a dead horse of a marriage -- I was a sh-tty husband, she was a sh-tty wife. Lessons learned; end of story.

 

The advice given here -- to avoid confrontation, to avoid contact -- was wise. Now I'm letting it all go, and I can see that my ex is seeing the error of her rackets, that I have BPD or issues or whatever; she has blameful delusions as a means of dealing with life. But how she handles the disconnect with reality is her problem now, not mine.

 

Onto the next stage in my life...thanks, LS, for a nice little bit of added support!

[BetrayedH]

Please be wise about your marital settlement agreement. You may find that you wish you had kept things more even after you have some time and distance from this. MANY people have gone before you and have essentially done whatever it took to reach a quick and amiable settlement, only to later wish they hadn't been so quick and so amiable. I'm not saying to go for the throat; I'm a fan of 50/50. At least consult with your own attorney to make sure your approach isn't too far off center.

 

Otherwise, you actually sound like you're doing well (even with as crappy as you may feel). I'm glad you've decided upon detachment. It's hard enough to do when you've decided upon it; it fails miserably when you're not even trying to disconnect.

[native7two]

It's been about 100 days or so since she left the house. I'm posting an update to say Things Are Good. The kids are so much happier in my house with our 50% of our time together. It's giving me a serious boost of happiness to be done with this nightmare of a marriage. I've even started going on some dates with other woman -- nice little ego boost.

 

But I'm still wondering exactly how to manage a peaceful co-parenting arrangement with somebody who is, essentially, a *raving psychopath*. She is a great mom, but for any human over the age of 18: watch out -- pure crazytown. She has no real friends, no family support, nothing and yet her entire focus has been on her "victimhood" and how everything is my fault (her lack of accountability for the cheating and lies, and zero empathy for other adult's feelings...it's basically textbook socio/psychopath behavior). She hasn't gotten a job yet and already blew $50k on her $140k inheritance on a brand new $30k car (which she didn't need, and for which she paid fully up-front in-cash!) and her new bachelorette pad's furniture, new clothes, fancy makeup, spa treatments etc etc. Gotta let that sh-t go and let her make her dumb-ss mistakes at the expense of my kids' safety net, but it sure is hard.

 

I am challenged -- staying detached and peaceful around somebody who, at the slightest hint of any emotion from me, retreats into gaslighting and projection and all manner of self-serving hysteria. Wondering if anybody has a strategy here other than fighting tooth-and-nail with lawyers for years on end. It seems like it's just a waiting game -- a grit-your-teeth game of patience and gumption. In our particular state, it is very hard for a spouse in her position to lay claim to a lot of my cash beyond a few years given our marital term -- the burden is on her to find work soon, and I have made sure that our agreement makes that crystal clear. Beyond that, just seems like if I leave her alone and disappear into the shadows of my own quiet strength, she'll eventually refocus her negative BS somewhere (or with someone) else.

[BetrayedH]

My exwife and I barely speak. The process that we follow is to email 95% of our conversations (which are just about coparenting issues), we'll text if there's a more immediate need (such as, "I'm running about 10 mins late"), we'll call if it is urgent/an emergency, and we'll only see each other in person if it is unavoidable (such as parent/teacher conferences or other school/extracurricular events). She lives her life and I live mine and there's no discussion of our past life together. I have had to accept that I will never comprehend her POV or get closure from her and I no longer care if she comprehends my POV either. My closure is going to have to come from within. Frankly, if I could get away with never speaking with her again, I'd be all over it. But my kids are 7 and 11 now so we have to deal with each other. But it's all about homework, grades, upcoming tests/projects, and extracurriculars. There's not one word about "us." And trust me, mine was as crazy/psycho as yours.

 

Just my $.02

[drifter777]

My exwife and I barely speak. The process that we follow is to email 95% of our conversations (which are just about coparenting issues), we'll text if there's a more immediate need (such as, "I'm running about 10 mins late"), we'll call if it is urgent/an emergency, and we'll only see each other in person if it is unavoidable (such as parent/teacher conferences or other school/extracurricular events). She lives her life and I live mine and there's no discussion of our past life together. I have had to accept that I will never comprehend her POV or get closure from her and I no longer care if she comprehends my POV either. My closure is going to have to come from within. Frankly, if I could get away with never speaking with her again, I'd be all over it. But my kids are 7 and 11 now so we have to deal with each other. But it's all about homework, grades, upcoming tests/projects, and extracurriculars. There's not one word about "us." And trust me, mine was as crazy/psycho as yours.

 

Just my $.02

 

OP: listen to BetrayedH as he knows of whereof he speaks. That said, lots of us don't and you might benefit from a forum where this kind of shared parenting is discussed.

 

I'm glad you are moving ahead with your life as this is what will repair your psyche over time. Have as little contact with her as possible and immerse yourself into your beautiful children's lives

[BetrayedH]

Drifter is right that a divorce/co-parenting forum is probably better than an infidelity forum. I have to admit that my approach is extreme. That comes to light every time I encounter another divorced person because almost all of them have a more amiable relationship with their ex than I have with mine. It gives me some pause and makes me question my approach. That said, my divorce is less than a year old so my emotions are just below the surface when it comes to her. Right now, my view is that I kept her infidelity from her workplace and our kids. That's as much of a favor as I'm doing for her. If others can do better with their ex, more power to them.