StillHurtin Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 My H works w/ a MW and they have became friends through work. She has been trying to get him hired on at another factory where she works 3rd shift cleaning (she has two jobs). H can't stand the job he is at now so he wans't something different. When H had his affair a little over a year ago it was w/ a MW that was also his co-worker. She knew me, in fact she tried to be my friend and everytime I went in to see H at work she would come over and talk to me. Anyhow, back to the W he works w/ now. Their company had a 50th Ann family celebration last Fri out of town. H said he was going to ride over there w/ another guy co-worker and this W. Well, the guy got sick so he couldnt' go so H didn't think it was a good idea to go w/ this W co-worker. So he talked me and the kids to go ( I didn't want to but did.) On the way over there H told me that this MW co-worker gave him her cell # and asked him to call her when they were getting close to the party so she could meet up w/ us. I don't like that he has this W's cell phone number programmed into his phone, I don't like that he called her, I don't like that she asked him to call her to meet up (she knew me and the kids were coming). We never did see her at the party but oh well, I didn't care. This is like living the first part of his first A all over again!!! He keeps telling me he will never have an A again and told me he wasn't that stupid to risk loosing me and the kids again. I need opinions from both W and M out there. Do you think I should make H stop having contact w/ his W outside of work or should I go ahead and let them be friends? Should I tell him that I don't care if they talk outside of work but they don't need to be calling eachother? I have his cell phone bill here and I don't see any suspicious numbers so far. I hate this! I want to trust him but how can I when he is calling another W on the phone, innocent or not.
Butchey Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 It sounds like you are still not over the affair he had. The fact that he promised not to do it again is not a solution to your problem. A trust has been broken and he needs to rebuild the bridge to your trust. You have issues "THE AFFAIR", and you need to work through those issues. Even though it happened a year ago or more you need to confront it on a daily basis. There are alot of feelings that come with this denial, anger, resentment, depression etc. etc. etc. I can't stresss enough that when there is infidelity in a relationship that talk therapy, counciling, marriage encounter and things like that really really help. I'm not a professional but I went through it. My ex had an affair 6 years ago and I still go to therapy. I am so much happier today than ever before. Although we could not save our marriage, I have been able to live a full life. I wish you the best. I hope you can save yours. Take care of you. Talk, talk, talk. Learn to be open and honest with him and to communicate what you expect of him. If he really loves you, he will make the effort. As far as the MW he now calls, let it go. It will work itself out sooner than later. If he likes her as a friend, you have nothing to worry about. If he just wants to shag her, it will become obvious by his hand not yours, and you are too good for him. You will then be in a position of power to leave him and take his money.
Sheba Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Sorry, but I can't imagine why there is a "need" for him to speak with her outside of work if the relationship is merely a "work acquaintance". I have many work friends. I could probably find their numbers, but I don't have them at home, much less stored on my cell phone, because I can speak with them at work when I need to! I see them all day, 5 days a week. I think there is a chance your husband has no bad intentions, but he is travelling down a slippery slope and he should know better. Tell him that you require an explanation for why he needs her number stored on his phone. I am sure there is none, and therefore he ought to agree to delete it. Tell him that he gives you the impression that he might put your marriage at risk and that he should take all reasonable steps to avoid giving you that impression. Tell him that you are not over his previous affair and that he should have male friends or you should be included in all contact with his female friends, until you feel the relationship is on steady ground. Is the job she "might" be able to get him that great? Is there other jobs he can apply for if he hates the one he has? I think that he should be encouraged to consider all options, as an outsider (like me) might wonder if the two of them are conspiring to spend more time together.
mudobber Posted September 18, 2004 Posted September 18, 2004 Greetings Mrs. SteelHurtin, I am sorry to hear about that bad hurt that your husband put on you. Please know that the mess was not your failing, but his and even more, the trash that knowingly caused that tragedy. You have my wishes that your man will deliver the love that will heal you. If I had to bet. I would bet that your husband is purposely pushing not only the buttons on his cell phone, but YOUR buttons too! He knows the sore spots, so why is he hitting them? This was very inconsiderate of him. Does your husband really want your wrath? Maybe it is time to give him a piece of your mind. Pick a good time and make him have a nice long, honest, and loving talk. Let him know right off that it is not going to be a fight, but an honest, and calm heart to heart in which honesty is most important. Make sure that you get out the things that are hurting you. He will just love a nice long talk. LOL! Then maybe, just MAYBE he will do a little better for a while. Hopefully this was just his thoughtlessness and after your discussion with him, he will do the right thing and get you some really big diamonds. Then you can do the right thing and forgive him once and for all. Right? I sincerely hope that your husband isn’t one of those people that like to be mean, just to be mean.
Author StillHurtin Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 Thanks for replying to my post and giving some great advice. I checked dh's cell phone to see if he still had her in his cell. I didn't see her number so he deleted it. I know we still need to sit down and have a long talk. There are still a lot of trust issues and honestly, I don't know if I can ever trust him again, and if I can't, this marriage isn't going to work.
jmargel Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 You need to realize he's being open with you about this. If he has something to hide, do you think he would tell you she wanted him to call? Honesty in this aspect is the first sign that he is NOT cheating. You still have issues with the affair, and to tell you the truth he's going to have friends who are female. That's something you'll have to live with. Just like you having male friends.
Author StillHurtin Posted September 25, 2004 Author Posted September 25, 2004 Originally posted by mudobber Hopefully this was just his thoughtlessness and after your discussion with him, he will do the right thing and get you some really big diamonds. Then you can do the right thing and forgive him once and for all. Right? Honestly, I am not the type of woman that needs /wants diamonds from her H to show that he loves, respects her, and is sorry. I am not a materialstic person and H ought to be happy I'm not, lol. I can say however, that I have not worn my wedding ring since he had the A over a year ago. I told him that was the ring he gave me when we were married and when he had the A. If he wanted to renew our marriage then I wanted the diamonds mounted in another setting or trade the ring off for a different set. We still have yet to go shopping for a ring but it's not his fault, we are just so busy on the weekends we just don't have time to run to the jewerly store. Thank you for the reply by the way!
Author StillHurtin Posted September 25, 2004 Author Posted September 25, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel You need to realize he's being open with you about this. If he has something to hide, do you think he would tell you she wanted him to call? Honesty in this aspect is the first sign that he is NOT cheating. You still have issues with the affair, and to tell you the truth he's going to have friends who are female. That's something you'll have to live with. Just like you having male friends. Thank you for the reply, I always respect your replies to other's post. I don't care if he has female friends, it's when he calls them or they call him that I don't agree w/. Shortly after H broke the A w/ his co-worker and moved in w/ me and our children (90 miles from where we lived b4 and where the A took place) another co-worker woman was calling him. She had his cell phone number b/c he was her supervisor and all his employees needed his cell in order to contact him when he was out of the office. Anyhoo, she called him several times about things that were going on at his old job. The OW got him fired from his job. I didn't like it, and in fact I called her and I told her that out of respect of my M I did not want her to call him anymore after what happened (she knew about the A, she is friends w/ the OW, another reason why I didn't want her calling him). She apologized, said she didn't mean to offend me and she wouldn't call again. I told her I did not care if they were friends but not to be calling anymore. Shortly after that he changed his cell phone number w/o any arguements. He agreed that she shouldn't of been calling him and he couldn't understand why she kept calling. He was too much of a chicken to just tell her himself to stop calling so when she did call he wouldn't answer the phone. I shouldn't have been the one to tell her to stop calling, he should have. And yes, I do have guy friends but they do not call me and I do not call them. The only time I talk to them is if I see them around town or at a party.
Sucidesurvior Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 Stillhurting, I agree with the other posters that you still have issues to be resolved relating to your husband's previous affair. Perhaps you should look into marriage counselling. Wioth regard to the current situation, I would nip it in the bud if you can. I honestly don't think any married man has any business having female friends but, seeing as I am facing the same situation right now, my thinking may be off. My H was friendly with a woman at work and, although I don't have any concrete proof that the relationship has progressed further, my gut instinct tells me it has. Infidelity is certainly one of the most (if not the) difficult things for women to come to terms with. Good luck and keep posting, even if you only need to vent your anger.
Author StillHurtin Posted September 28, 2004 Author Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by Sheba Is the job she "might" be able to get him that great? Is there other jobs he can apply for if he hates the one he has? I think that he should be encouraged to consider all options, as an outsider (like me) might wonder if the two of them are conspiring to spend more time together. We live in a small town, population 8,500. There really isn't much for jobs in this area. The place she is trying to get hired on at is the only place hiring right now, or is the best place to work in dh's line of work. I am trying so hard to trust him, it gets easier as days go by. I hope that I can fully trust him soon b/c I can't live like this and he can't either. I have thought about going to marriage counseling but it is so $$$$. He still owes his past counselor a lot of money when he first got counseling a year ago. He lost his insurance and his current insurance does not pay for any counseling and I don't believe mine does either.
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