Its very complicated

[eitherway]

ok here goes,

 

I have been married for almost 10 years and with my wife for 15 years...

 

We hit it off right away, were inseparable, moved in to her parents for ayear, I paid off her student loan, we started a joint account and bought ahouse... then I could feel the passion fizzle.

 

I was becoming attracted to other women. Her friend and I had anaffair for about 5 years getting what we needed on the side until I finally decided it was too late to get out of the relationship ( I would lose the money I paid on her loan and half of my house) and things weren't horrible.

 

When we got married my affair ended and we had some good times. Our careers were growing and we did a lot of travelling together. Life was good. She is a good person and deeply committed to her life and personal growth. I lacked the spark that I thought all couples should share. So I got my sparks and butterflies from flirting.

 

3 years later we had our first child and her workplace suffered withher time off. The owner was ready for retirement and put the business up forsale. We bought it. I am very entrepreneurial and she hated the business butsaw it as a way to improve lifestyle.

 

Seeing as she had worked there previously for many years I felt my efforts went unnoticed and were under appreciated. We fought about it. She said I didn’t understand the business. I was reduced to a delivery driver. She worked 10 hours a day, 6days a week. The previous owner worked 4 day weeks. She couldn’t keep up and said I couldn’t help in assisting her at her part of the business.

 

Then I had an opportunity to start another business in the field that I camefrom. We discussed it and thought that it would be a better lifestyle choiceand I pursued it. Business was good for me but she couldn’t keep up and started losing money. She wanted to bail but it was too deep in debt. She resented mefor leaving her behind at the failing business. I didn’t see it as failing itjust had too much overhead and she needed to participate in the daily functions.

 

We grew further apart and she grew more resentful of me. Then I met someonewho distracted me from the misery of our life together and I had another affair. In my happiness I told my wife what was happening and we fought, made up and decided to stay together for our child.

 

We went to counselling and things were ok. We focused more on each other. Wehad a second child and business got hectic. I felt us drifting again. I offered movies, weekends away, afternoon hotel rooms for some fun and spontaneity. Sherefused them all. Life was too busy. No baby sitter was good enough. There was no winning answer. Life was passionless again.

 

I took comfort in socializing with friends. She said it was too much work tosocialize. We started spending time at the cottage and her family came along to visit. One night by the fire her sister-in-law and I kissed. Sparks! We realized we wanted the same things, were in the same boat? We were highly energetic people and the partners we married were not. We wanted spontaneity they wanted consistency. We spent more time together, the two families together, by ourdesign, everyone like the togetherness, especially my lover and I. We fell inlove. All of the deep feelings of unconditional love my wife told me about I know understood. This was what I had been missing, looking for. Of course thedeeper you get involved the harder it is to keep things a secret and it was toogood to hide, but my lover didn’t want to devastate so many people so she ended it. I was heartbroken. I lashed out, hurt her deeply. We were both hurt and suffering. Then I learned she asked my wife’s brother for a divorce and my wife wanted to write her out of the family. I lost 20 lbs and was sick in bed for weeks. Mywife caught me crying. She figured it out and kicked me out. With no one toturn to I went back. We went to counselling and started to fix the marriage again,but I felt all of my feelings were for my lover. It felt like I was cheating onher. I felt the unconditional love for her and wanted her back. At the next family dinner we talked quietly, my wife saw this and the 3 of us had a discussion. I told both of them that I was in love with her sister- in-law. I was back out of the house, immediately comforted by my lover and felt good again. My lover thought the reconciliation may have been too much, I realized that I reallymissed my kids that our business had started to suffer and we would lose our house and our kids would suffer and lose out on a good school as neither of us could afford the house alone.

 

Counselling continued and my sadness for the loss of my lover grew deeper. The counsellor made me realize that I could have kids, business and lover if I movedon but by now my wife had told everyone what was happening and I was shamedinto going back. I was told I would be written out of the family. (I have deep connection to my family, and we spend summers together at the cottage)I stayed in the house and continued counselling but things seem to be going downward fast. My wifes mother pulled a knife on me and I know leave extra early and come home extra late not to see her as she baby sits the kids in the daytime. My family is talking to my wife and not me. Planning on vacation time with or withoutme. My kids are so innocent and we put on a good front for them but the cracks are showing.

 

My wife has lost it in front of the kids a few times. Can I love her again?Did I ever love her? Did I find the love I have been searching for with her sister-in-law? Can love really overcome the tyranny of two families that demand stability? Can I cut it off with my lover knowing I will never see her gain and how hurt we will be? Can love survive if it is cut off from the world and forced to hide? Should I crawl back and fix things and say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all and see what lies in the future?

 

Any feedback or opinion is appreciated?

[Mr. Lucky]

Any feedback or opinion is appreciated?

Sure. Your focus on your own needs and happiness regardless of the cost to others borders on classic Narcissism. At the very least you should be tested for BPD. You don't seem to understand commitment, boundaries or ethical behavior. Your evaluation of your marriage as a financial transaction (" I would lose the money I paid on her loan and half of my house ") falls right into this category. As does your willingness to shred two marriages - yours and your wife's brothers - so you can have "sparks".

 

I feel sorry for your wife and kids...

 

Mr. Lucky

[worldgonewrong]

It's not that complicated, as your post's title indicates.

You've been horsing around with her sister-in-law. Your wife and her family are understandably upset.

What you need to do, and I say this calmly, is accept some measure of personal responsibility about this situation, rather than acting like it's something out of your hands. You helped create this. And you've reneged on the vows with your wife, and by extension, your children.

Stop thinking about yourself and this fantasy (e.g. "Can I cut it off with my lover knowing I will never see her gain and how hurt we will be?").

You ask, "Can love really overcome the tyranny of two families that demand stability?"

This sounds like soap-opera horsesh*t.

Get in touch with the deeper commitments you already made.

If you want out of the marriage, get out. But don't expect to be somehow adored still by the family after the mess you've created. You sound like you've given up anyway, so put this whole thing out of its misery.

[GuyInLimbo]

Sh*t or get off the pot, buddy.

[notbroken]

It is not really that complicated. You have ruined your marriage. Done. The only question is when will it officially end? It is highly unlikely your wife will ever truly forgive you and the 'spark' will go away even further under the cloud of suspicion and anger. Your in laws now know you for who you are - and will never forgive you either. You will always want 'the grass on the other side' as long as you are in this marriage (and likely other relationships too).

 

Take your lumps. Divorce. Be as nice as you can to your ex and your kids. They deserve something better. Get some counselling to figure out why you cheat like you do and quit ruining lives in the process.

[Steen719]

We grew further apart and she grew more resentful of me. Then I met someonewho distracted me from the misery of our life together and I had another affair. In my happiness I told my wife what was happening and we fought, made up and decided to stay together for our child.

 

To me, this says it all.

 

I want to thank you, though, for posting this. It really does give me some insight into how my XH can be so oblivious to what he did, that he thinks after all of the crap he did, he can waltz back into my life when he and the gf broke up. He just does not get it!

 

Honestly, I am not trying to be mean, but you are very self-involved and immature and maybe it would be better to be by yourself for a while before you even begin another relationship. Think about what you said above (in bold) and if you don't see how unbelievably selfish that is, well, then...........I don't know, it's crazy!

 

Do some reading on affairs and how powerful they are. You may be surprised to know that the spark you feel with s-i-l most likely won't last. Figure out how to be the best dad you can. Leave your poor wife alone, get a divorce and let her find a man who knows the meaning of loyalty and honesty in a marriage, even when times are tough. Go to counseling and see what is broken in you that allows you to think your behavior is anywhere near OK.

 

Good luck. Be a good dad, above all, and don't involve them with a string of women.

[redhat]

Agree with notbroken, you only think of yourself throughout the whole process, with a shallow after thought of the hurt you might be causing to others.

Learn about marriage, learn about relationships. Next time you ****up someones life try hard to minimize the damage.

[TaraMaiden]

It's not complicated in the slightest. You're a cheater, and you can't keep it in your pants; what's more, you choose to deflect the blame for this lack of control onto your wife.

 

While I daresay there may have been problems within your marriage related to money, work and raising a family, an awful lot of people manage to deal with such issues without having the need to phukk someone else in the process.

 

You're a broken guy.

Your family deserves to have the weight of making allowances for your idiocy, lifted off their shoulders.

 

I'd leave now, before you make anything worse.

[ver13]

Sometimes we look in the mirror and ask ourselves who is that person. This happens when we realize that we have done something way out there to even attemp to justify. But from what I am reading here you seem to see something else entirely different. Which brings you to this form trying to make sense of all the drama that you have created. You are the source of all of your pain so what can you do now to fix it. Stop manuvering away from your inability to be in a M in which you can't stay within the boundaries of respectful behavior. Let your family heal through you decision to get out and leave them alone. Everyone will be alright with your departure I can assure you of that. It's time for you to leave before all of their pain turns into something that you really don't want to see. They deserve something better then you are able to provide so move on.