Christ85 Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Hi! I'm 18 and I'm a student in university. I've been dating this guy, Michael, for about two months. When I met him, I automatically knew that he was the one. Recently, he asked me to marry him, and I accepted. We live about 3 1/2 hours apart, so our relationship is strenous anyway. Well, yesterday, Michael went out and done some damage to his stepfather's truck. His stepfather is going to proscute, which will send him to jail for 5-7 years. He was driving it, and he tore the transmission out of it. I told him that he needs to get his priorities straight. He doesn't have a license anymore (he lost it in the past for hitting and running away from the cops), so he wasn't supposed to be driving. If his priorities were in line, he would've thought about us, and the future he wanted with me, and he wouldn't have done it. I told him that he need to grow up and be more mature. I understand that he's only 16, but most 16-yr. olds that I know of are not that immature. Anyway, I told him that I couldn't wait for him for 7 years. I mean, I love him so much, but this is ridiculous. He's made stupid mistakes in the past, but this one could possibly have ruined our relationship forever. He kept telling me that he loved me last night on the phone, and it got to the point where I had to tell him to stop because it was hurting me even more. I was already crying. He was trying to get me to stop crying, but I couldn't. I mean, how could I, knowing that I probably just lost the one thing in my life that was going well, and the one person that I loved more than life itself. Right now, I feel empty. I feel like someone hollowed me out like they would a tree to make a canoe. I feel like someone performed a heart transplant without putting one back in. I feel like someone put their hand in my chest, squeezed my heart in their fist, and then ripped it out without anesthisa or anything to numb the pain. There's no one around that I can talk to about this. I'm at college, and I'm a freshman, so I don't know many people here. The people that I do know here, I don't know them well enough to tell them something like this. I'm only 30 minutes away from home, but most of my friends are either married and lives of their own, or they're gone away to school. I don't know what to do. Right now, Michael and I are on a "break." I don't want it to become permanent, but I feel that it will. I'm really not sure what to do. Can someone help?
Papillon Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I wouldn't wait seven years, either, but I doubt he'll get jail time for that....would he? I mean, damn....he's only 16. In any event, you're WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too young to give your heart to someone. I'd just let him stew in his own juices. If you really wanted to do him a favour, try and convince the stepdad to drop the charges. I think it's really horrible of him to prosecute. P.S, I've notified the moderators to edit out your personal details, hope you don't mind.
tokyo Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I can´t resist reading this. This stepfather is clearly exaggerating. I´m sure you won´t get jail for damaging a car, not even if you would wrecked it completely. I told myself to behave better and not post anything too nasty, BUT 16 and wants to get married??? Wake up..... Not even I was so naive at that age.
Author Christ85 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 Yes, he would get jail time because he's had previous charges.
moimeme Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 You want to marry a guy who is all of 16 and has already done some hugely irresponsible things? It is an exceedingly bad idea. He is going to change a whole lot between 16 and his twenties and that may not be change for the better. Him going to jail would be the best thing for you just to give you time to rethink this extremely bad idea. You can't possibly know somebody well enough to marry him after only two months. It takes a long time to find out everything you need to know about somebody before you make a decision like that.
Author Christ85 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 Thanks for nothing you guys. I didn't need anyone to tell me that I'm too young to be giving my heart away to someone, or that I shouldn't marry him. And who are you to tell me that we don't know enough about each other. We know what we want in life and what our goals are. I know that I'm in love with him. People are different, and sometimes people are ready for things, even when other people think they aren't. My youth pastor and his wife met and fell in love in high school. Their oldest son will be 19 next year, plus they have an eight-year old daughter. They've been together almost 25 years, and they're still going. I thought it would be easier to get advice this way. I guess I was wrong. Next time, I will just keep everything to myself. Thanks for nothing. -Amber
snilljente Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 You don't always get to hear what you want to hear on LS...that's part of putting your post on here....He does not sound like a catch to me,.....Why is this even someone you would consider marrying...and yes, I agree, you are WAY to young....what's the hurry?!
tiki Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Well you definitely don't have to worry about marrying him if he's in jail now do ya? Maybe it all happens for a reason?
Author Christ85 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 Ok, whatever you guys say. Believe me, I know that everything happens for a reason. It seems that everytime I'm happy with something or someone, God looks down at me, says, "No! Amber, you can't have that!" and snatches it away. I'm so miserable right now. My life doesn't depend on Michael, but I'm lost without him. He's the ONLY one who's ever loved me. Sure, I've had friends at church and at school, but they have their own lives now. They don't want to hang out or even talk to friends from high school anymore. My parents don't want me around, they never have. And the one friend I thought I had doesn't even bother to call me back when I ask her to, even when I say its important. I don't know what to do. I feel empty inside. Like someone hollowed me out like a tree being used as a canoe. Like someone performed a heart transplant, without anesthesia, and didn't put one back. Like someone shoved their fist into my chest, squeezed my heart a couple of times, and then ripped it out. There's a huge void inside of me that I cannot get rid of. You guys may say I'm too young to love. Well, if I'm too young to love, then I shouldn't feel all the pain of it either, right? No one is ever able to answer that one. It doesn't make sense to have the pain of losing a love if you never knew what love was in the first place. I was planning my future with Michael. People do things like that in college and stuff. One of the RA's on my dorm is engaged. Yea, I know there are totally different circumstances, but she's still in college. The majority of people meet their mate towards the end of high school and the beginning of college. Thats when I met Michael. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. And I know you guys think that he's not a very good catch, but you have to understand that you can't be picky when you're not such a good catch yourself. I had very few boyfriends in high school. Everyone always thought I was ugly and no one wanted to go out with me. And when they did, it never lasted more than a couple of weeks because they ended up listening to their friends who would tell them all about my past and stuff. You can't judge people on the things they've done. Sometimes they can't help it. Michael has an emotional disorder that makes him do irrational things. If you judged your mate by what they've done, then no one would ever find their mate because everyone has done something in the past thats very undesirable. I believe in second and maybe even third chances. I can't wait to find out what you think about what I just said. -Amber
tiki Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Originally posted by Christ85 you have to understand that you can't be picky when you're not such a good catch yourself. This is terribly sad. You are a good catch. Make yourself a good catch. Change your ways and don't be so down on yourself. Spend time with yourself finding out who you really are. G'luck.
FolderWife Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 What!?!?!?! Some girlfriend you are...dumping your boyfriend/fiance at his lowest point My husband is about to lose his job over something he did that was stupid....you don't see me running to divorce him do you? Look at Vanessa Bryant...she stood by Kobe, even though he PUBLICLY cheated on her! You're going to leave him for this, proves that you must not really care that much. Yeah, don't wait 7 years, but there's no reason to dump him now!!!
Author Christ85 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 Well, that last one really opened my eyes. You're very right, Monday. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess Satan really had me tricked. It's tricks like that that my youth pastor always warned me about. Thank you so much. I'm still taking advice, but yours has been the best so far. I mean, everybody else pretty much laughed at me because they think I'm too young to really know anything, but I'm not. Thank you so much! -Amber
moimeme Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 There's a huge void inside of me that I cannot get rid of. You guys may say I'm too young to love. Well, if I'm too young to love, then I shouldn't feel all the pain of it either, right? No one is ever able to answer that one. It doesn't make sense to have the pain of losing a love if you never knew what love was in the first place. Nobody said you can't love. You weren't reading what we said. We said you and he shouldn't marry so quickly and that you're both too young to MARRY. Love isn't enough for marriage. And, take it from one who knows, you CANNOT know somebody well enough to marry him in two months.
Author Christ85 Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Well, if you read my last post, I've already decided what to do. Michael has been there for me at my lowest point. Right now, this is his lowest point and he needs me. I'm going to stick with him. Plus, its not like we're getting married tomorrow or anything. We're waiting unti lafter we're finished with school to get married. We just want the whole world to know how much we love each other, and his way of saying that is getting me a ring and proposing. I love him so much, and I'm not going to deny him that love. Thanks! -Amber
SoleMate Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 I'm curious as to what this fellow may have in his past that this vehicle incident gets him 5-7 YEARS!!!! And he is only 16! I think he needs a better lawyer. If he really does get put away for that lnegth of time, I'm very worried about what he might prove to be when he gets out.
Author Christ85 Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Thats a very good obvservation. I'm not really sure anymore. I'm beginning to think about that myself. I guess I need a little more time to think about things. Thanks for everything. I'm going to take some time and think and pray about this. Right now, there's no possible way to end the relationship without losing him as a friend too. I hate this. Knowing that I may lose him is tearing me apart.
Author Christ85 Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Anyone got any ideas on how to break up with him? I mean, I know its going to break his heart, and I don't want to do that. I can't even stand the thought of having to do it. I hate it as a matter of fact. But I guess it has to be done. Any suggestions?
Matilda Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Amber, You remind me a little of myself when I was younger. I thought I could help everyone too. I thought everybody deserved a second chance. Well, I do still believe that to an extent, but not when it comes to my personal life. I married a man who had problems, thinking, like you, that he deserved a chance at a good life too, and it was a big mistake. I think the people on this board are just trying to help you to not make a big mistake too. I wish I had someone to tell me that before I made my big mistake. I'm glad to hear you are thinking about breaking up with him. I think that would be for the best. If he can get himself together, and only he can do that, maybe sometime later you can consider a relationship. As for a good way to break up, I don't know that there is one. Just be honest and resolute, and then get yourself busy and involved in other things so you can begin to move on with your life. Good luck to you.
Papillon Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Matilda, your avatar is strangely hypnotic.
soccorsilly Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Are slower than this....love him leave him! Yikes. You need to make your own decisions and use the opinions of your friends and family to arrive at the conclusions that are right for you! From the legal standpoint, the boy is 16 and if in the US would be charged as a juvenile (unless it was a capital offense) which would result in "jail" (but most likely some sort of supervised home jail or halfway house) till he was 18. But that being said, unless he was on probation for a previous crime, I do not think the sentence for the current crime can be adjusted based on past performance--there are sentencing guidelines. I think someone is pulling the wool over someone's eyes...not sure if it is your BF over yours (convenient way to break up--considering he is 3.5 hours away?) his step dad just trying to knock some sense into him?
MJTig Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme You want to marry a guy who is all of 16 and has already done some hugely irresponsible things? It is an exceedingly bad idea. He is going to change a whole lot between 16 and his twenties and that may not be change for the better. Him going to jail would be the best thing for you just to give you time to rethink this extremely bad idea. You can't possibly know somebody well enough to marry him after only two months. It takes a long time to find out everything you need to know about somebody before you make a decision like that. took words right out of my mouth... I think your idea of not bieng able to wait 7 years is correct.. you don't know who you will be then, nor does he. I worry about his history of aggressive/violent behavior and that it will turn on you. Take your time, I remember feeling like I had to rush when I was 16, and looking back I realize now i had no freakin clue and the HS sweetheart I loved then is nothing close to what I have now. Tell him that you would rather not make a promise you do not know if you can keep than break it later and break his heart. Suggest both backing off and visiting it later when things are clearer. Tell him in a public place in case he gets angry, ok? *hug*
Artifact Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Believe me, I know that everything happens for a reason. It seems that everytime I'm happy with something or someone, God looks down at me, says, "No! Amber, you can't have that!" and snatches it away. I'm so miserable right now. Hey, maybe God was saying "No! Amber, you don't WANT that"
Author Christ85 Posted September 17, 2004 Author Posted September 17, 2004 Ok, well, it's over. I just got off the phone with him. I told him that I felt God was showing me that we're not supposed to be together. To make it a little easier, we're callling it "taking time apart to sort things out." But, deep down inside, I know that it's the end for good. I'm not supposed to cry, but I can't help it. Pray for me you guys! -Amber
tiki Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Wow Amber, you've come along way since your original post. Glad to see you working things out.
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