jdubb1980 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Okay, so I am 32, childless and dating a man with 3 daughters. Age 15-lives with him Age 6 and 11-live with their mother (not same mother) He is a great father and great man. The connection I felt was immediate. After months of dating, his 15 year old daughter him and I decided that I should move in. This was mostly the 15 year old idea. She was excited. She is 15, she seems angry at the world. Granted her mother is not the best and does not spend any time with her and when she does go to her mothers house it is to babysit her mothers other 4 children. Anyway, she is always crabby, yelling, throwing fits etc. She is very needy and depends on her father for everything. She does not have any friends, she does not go out with anyone, she stays at home all the time. After one month of my moving in, she told her dad that she wasn't getting enough attention from him. Are you CRAZY she gets all the attention. Anyway, fine, I understood and I decided it would be best if I moved out. Now, I don't even want to spend the night over there. But I do love her father very much and hope that we can have a future. But how will this work if she does not want him to date?? I feel like everything we do is controlled by her. If she didn't like us living together how is she going to feel when we want to get married or have a child of our own? Now this morning is just like the last straw, we have planned for months that tomorrow we would go to this concert together tomorrow night. Last night he tells me that his daughter doesn't want him to go so he can't go. That is BS to me. She is 15, she can stay home alone! And please don't take this the wrong way, I love this man and I understand the sacrifices I will have to make and that I have already made to date a man with children. But am I wrong for thinking that he is the father and that he too has to be happy.... Anyone have any advice? Will I have to deal with his daughter being like this forever or will she eventually be comfortable with her father having a happy, healthy, adult relationship?
Mint Sauce Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 there's dating a man with children, and there's dating chaos theory sprinkled with red flags...This situation is all over the place. So many different women and children involved...ugh. At 32 and childless, are you sure you want to take on this mess? You could still have a drama-free childless guy, you know. But, assuming that you consider him really worth all the sacrifices: he has to take control of his daughter. She should not be the queen of the household. But at age 15, that's going to be one huge power struggle... In any case, you should not accept the current situation, where his daughter dictates when you move in, when you move out, when you are allowed a night out... that's madness. How many gfs of his have moved in and out before you? Is she used to his gfs being only temporary? 1
Treasa Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 The one person who really has any true say in this is your boyfriend. You can't make him take charge. He's going to do what he feels is best, so you need to be able to accept it or not. I don't think there's any way in hell I'd date a guy with teenagers. 4
Author jdubb1980 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 He has had one previous live in girlfriend, that ended about 4 years ago and since had not introduced any other women to his kids aside from me. He is a great guy, and a great father. The attraction is there for me. But I am wondering if it is worth it. I get to spend barely any time with him, and he is not happy about that either but it seems easiest. But I understand that she needs attention and she does deserve it. But so do I?? why do I have to sacrifice and especially now a concert that has been planned for months.... Now that I have moved out, he is worried that I will find someone who doesn't have any kids, I have moved out and told him that I honestly don't even feel comfortable at his place anymore, because I don't know if his daughter is going to be "ok" with it. I mean he wants me to come over tonight and I caught myself asking him "did you ask your daughter if it was ok" that just seems wrong....
aburd123 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You are not wrong to feel the way that you do. if you're father is taking his daughter's neediness over you, then there's a parenting issue there especially if she's 15 years old. I have a needy child and I know how to say "no" to her. She doesn't like it, she gets made sometimes but she gets over it. It sounds to me since ethis girl doesn't have any friends and doesn't go anywhere that maybe she needs to get out and do things, or perhaps see a counselor for all her anger. I think the father needs to analyze his childs teenage years and what she may become if this behavoir continues. Have you tried talking to him? Have you told him how you feel? I do feel that at 15, she should be fine staying home alone for a few hours to allow you guys time to be together. If she needs that much attention, maybe her father should get her into clubs or other organizations. If he truly won't listen, then I'm afraid you'll probably have to give him the ultimatum of having to discipline her if he wants to continue dating, or that you will be leaving...that's all I can tell you. But you certainly aren't wrong for feeling what you feel. Good luck.
Author jdubb1980 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 We have talked about this very much and we are both frusterated. But he feels that he should abide by her "needs" because of the situation with her mother etc... If this child is not the center of attention at all times, she throws tantrum, slams her bedroom door and crys. I have seen it when her sisters are there and they are getting ANY attention. She lies about things such as her sisters calling because she doesn't want her dad to talk to them for some reason. She does not have any friends. But she does have a boyfriend. And of course he comes first. But she still doesn't understand why her dad would need to have such a relationship. And def doesnt understand that her dad would need to devote time to me. On the weekends she is suppose to go with her mom, she won't. So then she is there and expects him to stay home and cater to her. And now about the concert tomorrow, I said Im still going...alone and he is not happy about my going alone. I said "ive been planning on this for months, why should I change my plans?" Im so frustrated with this kid!!!! Although she has never been rude to me, she is sweet as pie to me, I am starting to resent her. I just don't see a relationship moving forward the way we both want and desire with her needs seemingly coming first which I understand...to a point.
Author jdubb1980 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 She won't be 15 forever. Just weather the storm. I am trying....but man its getting tough...and me being 32 and wanting a family of my own....its seeming possible but not the way I imagined.
Author jdubb1980 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 I am questioning that myself, if I can take this. This morning we have been having a talk via text. He just sent a text telling me "you might as well find someone without kids so you can live your life, I don't want to be cause of your frusterations. I feel like Im trapped where I am and I don't want to trap you" And I do really love this man. he is great to me! We laugh and have fun, he understands me, supports me and I do the same for him. But the reality of it is, I am childless, I do enjoy his children but his oldest seems impossible. Maybe I will go about it and tell him that he needs to stand up to her. This particular event tomorrow night has been planned for months!!!!
Almond_Joy Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I don't think this is your fight. I get you want to be with him, but he has to want to help himself. He says he feels trapped, but he maintains the same behavior. He has to draw some boundaries with his daughter. I think you should go to that concert. If he really wants to change this situation he will by letting his daughter stay home alone or with her boyfriends family for the evening. 2
Author jdubb1980 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 I don't think this is your fight. I get you want to be with him, but he has to want to help himself. He says he feels trapped, but he maintains the same behavior. He has to draw some boundaries with his daughter. I think you should go to that concert. If he really wants to change this situation he will by letting his daughter stay home alone or with her boyfriends family for the evening. OMG you are so right!!! I might tell him your exact quote. Or would that be too much? But at the end of the day, these are not my kids and I shouldn't have to give up such things. I honestly feel like I have already adjusted so much by moving out, and also understanding that there will be kids with us 95% of the time.
curlygirl40 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Has he actually expressed interest in having more children with you? You've mentioned this several times, I'm just curious if you have actually discussed it. I do think she's being bratty and he needs to control the situation, but if you make a guy choose between you and his child you will lose every time. I know you're not asking him to do that and I agree here that something should be done, that she shouldn't be ruling his life like that. But unfortunately I think he needs to figure this out for himself and his daughter. I've been looking for 2 ish years for a man that I feel that way about. I'm not sure if I would give it up over something like this. However I'm older than you and don't want any more kids, that changes things completely. 1
Author jdubb1980 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Has he actually expressed interest in having more children with you? Yes, he has expressed many times how he would like to be married and have another child. He is a great man, great father and there are no problems with his other two girls. Now last night I went over there with my dog, whom his teenager kicked across hard wood floor because he is little and cute and a bit hyper, so I said "Im bringing him to the car" then she replied "Ok, I have to shower in 1/2 hour, you can bring him back in then". I just said screw it and had my friend come pick him up, then she started crying. This kid I sometimes feel is just doing things because she does want us to break up so that she can have her dad all to herself again.
angie2443 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 there's dating a man with children, and there's dating chaos theory sprinkled with red flags...This situation is all over the place. So many different women and children involved...ugh. At 32 and childless, are you sure you want to take on this mess? You could still have a drama-free childless guy, you know. Agreed. Honestly, I would be very cautious of a man who had children with two differant women and wanted to have even more with a third. The situation seems very unstable. I see red flags all over the place with this guy, and I'm not even counting the 15 year old.
angie2443 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Has he actually expressed interest in having more children with you? Yes, he has expressed many times how he would like to be married and have another child. He is a great man, great father and there are no problems with his other two girls. . His other two girls don't live with him, though. His other two girls having no problems, is not necessarily an indication of him bieng a great father.
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