I hate him so much

[lavenderlove]

I never felt this bad about someone before. I crave his company, I want him to realise what he has lost and drag himself back to me, I don't want to see him ever again, I want him to suffer like I have, but I am not vengeful, I often feel I can forgive him because he is just who he is, and he didn't happen to love me, but then he kind of did for a while, which makes me question what did I do wrong, which makes me want to talk to him, this makes me angry and sad as I don't want to contact him and it is just not an option, and that makes feel very rigid and brittle and strong, and I don't like being like this, I like being soft and warm, and not like this brittle dry person holding together with so much effort the parts of myself everyday. This whole thing made me tired and unattractive, and this is his fault. I am angry about everything bad that he has done to me, and everything good just hurts like hell. I know deep down, that he is doing fine, he always is on his own, he is trying new things and I just really hate him for it.

I hate him for all those years I spent with him working on building something beautiful, because he lied, he never wanted those things. This list never ends.

[Toddbt12y1]

You have every right to hate him. You seem to still have pint-up aggressions. Get it all out. Go on and write down every bad thought you have about him...see how you feel after. Make a list of it. Then see how much better you are...without his lies.

[McGriff]

I totally relate to and feel your pain, as the same thoughts gouge me everyday.

[AwptiK]

You have every right to hate him. You seem to still have pint-up aggressions. Get it all out. Go on and write down every bad thought you have about him...see how you feel after. Make a list of it. Then see how much better you are...without his lies.

 

Then set that list on fire.

 

 

No, seriously.

[Mack05]

OP the problem isn't your ex. The problem is you. Did you not post this on your very first thread?

 

I have just ended an 8 years long relationship.

 

My exboyfriend is amazing..he is funny, handsome, creative, a great lover and he takes good care of me financially and he is my best friend too.

 

EXCEPT: He doesn't want to commit and have a family. Now, I kind of knew this from the very beginning, but as it happens in The unbearable lightness of being I decided that he will probably change his mind eventually and become my perfect man by committing.

 

You knew from the beginning that he wanted different things to you, yet you were the one that choose to stay and therefore its your fault that there were wasted years, not his. Your anger is misplaced right now. You have nothing to forgive him for. He is who he is and never pretended to be anything else.

 

You believed he would change his mind but when you start assuming things like this, you are heading down a rocky road. Time to look hard into the mirror, accept you made a mistake and start planning for the future.

 

8 years is tough to move on from, but it can be done.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05

[KraftDinner]

Then set that list on fire.

 

 

No, seriously.

 

Not if you make the list on a computer!

 

Sorry.

 

But seriously. I ended a 9-year relationship a couple years ago and it was so hard. I felt like I was in hell.

 

But it is not the end of your life. The key for next time - and there WILL be a next time - is to choose the guy wisely. Look for someone who wants commitment.

 

Believe me...the demise of my 9-yr thing was the best possible outcome. It was so hard but I'm done with him and his lies and his secrets and lack of real commitment. Now I'm with a guy who treats me like a queen and we're getting married.

 

Take care of you. It can only get better. Sorry if that sounds trite but there is no magic formula.

[Toddbt12y1]

Hell why not a computer crash then?! See I can play along too!!

[lavenderlove]

Thanks everyone for the support, I will not be setting my computer on fire ....neither his townhouse.

 

Believe me...the demise of my 9-yr thing was the best possible outcome. It was so hard but I'm done with him and his lies and his secrets and lack of real commitment. Now I'm with a guy who treats me like a queen and we're getting married.

 

That is so good to hear.

I know that things do happen for a reason, and at the end you come out a better person, and with more than what you had. There is just all these lessons jumping at me right now to be resolved and dealt with, and my creative work which always gives me so much pleasure is buried under the pile and my heart brakes from that, and well I can't help feeling the way I do.

 

You knew from the beginning that he wanted different things to you, yet you were the one that choose to stay and therefore its your fault that there were wasted years, not his. Your anger is misplaced right now. You have nothing to forgive him for. He is who he is and never pretended to be anything else.

 

You believed he would change his mind but when you start assuming things like this, you are heading down a rocky road. Time to look hard into the mirror, accept you made a mistake and start planning for the future.

 

8 years is tough to move on from, but it can be done.

 

It is right, he didn't want commitment when we began. He didn't want a job either, and he just floated in the world, and now he has a very successful business he is running, something I had a large part in helping him realise.

So people change don't they? I mean I was 19 when I met him, I didn't care about commitment. But now that you say, come to think of it he knew I wanted a family, even back then I knew my life could not be complete without it, and he knew about that.

 

Last year we set a time for us to get married, I was so happy I told my whole family he will be traveling over and we will get married. Then he postpones things. He has been promising that we will get married for over 2 years, because he knew how much that would mean to me. But never made a step. He just wanted me to stay and have his terms.

 

I guess yes, people are who they they are....they are commitment phoebes, cheaters, liars etc and it really is our fault that we go out with them, since we know that they have a problem. And if we don't detect it early on, and LEAVE as soon as detection happened, then really we are cutting wood under ourselves. So let's all go and find the 100% perfect person, get them to complete the checklist on date #1 and not waste any more time in life merging and communicating with someone on their issues and problems and try to become a better person during the process and learn from what they have to say.

And should they deter from the boxes they ticked, we shall leave them.

 

Regardless of how we feel about them.

 

Is this the attitude I should develop?

[blindhope]

I never felt this bad about someone before. I crave his company, I want him to realise what he has lost and drag himself back to me, I don't want to see him ever again, I want him to suffer like I have, but I am not vengeful, I often feel I can forgive him because he is just who he is, and he didn't happen to love me, but then he kind of did for a while, which makes me question what did I do wrong, which makes me want to talk to him, this makes me angry and sad as I don't want to contact him and it is just not an option, and that makes feel very rigid and brittle and strong, and I don't like being like this, I like being soft and warm, and not like this brittle dry person holding together with so much effort the parts of myself everyday. This whole thing made me tired and unattractive, and this is his fault. I am angry about everything bad that he has done to me, and everything good just hurts like hell. I know deep down, that he is doing fine, he always is on his own, he is trying new things and I just really hate him for it.

I hate him for all those years I spent with him working on building something beautiful, because he lied, he never wanted those things. This list never ends.

You pretty much summed up how I feel. And I'm sure many people on this site do. But I am jealous of the hate. I wish I could hate my ex, it would end my torment. But I just can't, no matter how much of a piece of trash she turned into.

[Holyoak]

I never felt this bad about someone before. I crave his company, I want him to realise what he has lost and drag himself back to me, I don't want to see him ever again, I want him to suffer like I have, but I am not vengeful, I often feel I can forgive him because he is just who he is, and he didn't happen to love me, but then he kind of did for a while, which makes me question what did I do wrong, which makes me want to talk to him, this makes me angry and sad as I don't want to contact him and it is just not an option, and that makes feel very rigid and brittle and strong, and I don't like being like this, I like being soft and warm, and not like this brittle dry person holding together with so much effort the parts of myself everyday. This whole thing made me tired and unattractive, and this is his fault. I am angry about everything bad that he has done to me, and everything good just hurts like hell. I know deep down, that he is doing fine, he always is on his own, he is trying new things and I just really hate him for it.

I hate him for all those years I spent with him working on building something beautiful, because he lied, he never wanted those things. This list never ends.

 

I wish you peace from all of these conflicting emotions; your post could have been exactly me some months ago, and hope your pain lessens soon.

[KraftDinner]

Thanks everyone for the support, I will not be setting my computer on fire ....neither his townhouse.

 

 

 

That is so good to hear.

I know that things do happen for a reason, and at the end you come out a better person, and with more than what you had. There is just all these lessons jumping at me right now to be resolved and dealt with, and my creative work which always gives me so much pleasure is buried under the pile and my heart brakes from that, and well I can't help feeling the way I do.

 

 

 

It is right, he didn't want commitment when we began. He didn't want a job either, and he just floated in the world, and now he has a very successful business he is running, something I had a large part in helping him realise.

So people change don't they? I mean I was 19 when I met him, I didn't care about commitment. But now that you say, come to think of it he knew I wanted a family, even back then I knew my life could not be complete without it, and he knew about that.

 

Last year we set a time for us to get married, I was so happy I told my whole family he will be traveling over and we will get married. Then he postpones things. He has been promising that we will get married for over 2 years, because he knew how much that would mean to me. But never made a step. He just wanted me to stay and have his terms.

 

I guess yes, people are who they they are....they are commitment phoebes, cheaters, liars etc and it really is our fault that we go out with them, since we know that they have a problem. And if we don't detect it early on, and LEAVE as soon as detection happened, then really we are cutting wood under ourselves. So let's all go and find the 100% perfect person, get them to complete the checklist on date #1 and not waste any more time in life merging and communicating with someone on their issues and problems and try to become a better person during the process and learn from what they have to say.

And should they deter from the boxes they ticked, we shall leave them.

 

Regardless of how we feel about them.

 

Is this the attitude I should develop?

 

You're totally right of course. It's so much easier said than done. I didn't mean to belittle your problem or whatever...I get that. My ex was terrible for me but I loved him. And I did know from day one that it probably wasn't the best idea for me to be with him. But I still did it. And it wasn't a question of being stupid...it's almost like I got swept up and couldn't stop it.

 

I could lie and say I ended up with my great fiance because I've learned better and make better choices...but the fact of the matter is I sort of lucked out with him. So I by no means pretend to be so wise or anything.

 

[spookyteenwitch]

i feel this exact same way, and it really pisses me off that im here suffering while hes out getting drunk and having fun and not thinking about me at all. Im just hoping that me not contacting him and not showing that i care will make him want me.. sigh. waiting game. listen to active child-hanging on

[lavenderlove]

You're totally right of course. It's so much easier said than done. I didn't mean to belittle your problem or whatever...I get that. My ex was terrible for me but I loved him. And I did know from day one that it probably wasn't the best idea for me to be with him. But I still did it. And it wasn't a question of being stupid...it's almost like I got swept up and couldn't stop it.

 

I could lie and say I ended up with my great fiance because I've learned better and make better choices...but the fact of the matter is I sort of lucked out with him. So I by no means pretend to be so wise or anything.

 

 

Yes I am sorry I had a little outburst. I know you didn't mean anything wrong by what you wrote. I am really happy for you, it means it IS possible to find the right guy.

 

When I look at what I see around me in terms of happy and healthy relationships, things just seem to fall into place when you meet the right person. It is not about constant challenges and sacrifices and compromises that make up the foundation but something smooth.

 

How long did it take you to find him? Did you do dating before?

[lavenderlove]

i feel this exact same way, and it really pisses me off that im here suffering while hes out getting drunk and having fun and not thinking about me at all. Im just hoping that me not contacting him and not showing that i care will make him want me.. sigh. waiting game. listen to active child-hanging on

 

I did the waiting game when we broke up 2 years ago. He did come back, but it didn't take us to a better place the second time. It just got worse. It was less than before the breakup. So you waiting for him might not worth it at all. It will not be like the happy times in the beginning.

 

He texted me on the weekend about a work related deadline I had, and he knew about it coming up, and asked me how it all went. I thought, if I don't reply, I will come across sulky and hurt, and if I talk to him normally... well he doesn't deserve that so I just very half heartedly replied the facts and directed the conversation to a quick close.

 

It wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be, even though I have been thinking about him the whole day.

 

If he called me right now I wouldn't pick up. To hell with the whole thing.

[lavenderlove]

You pretty much summed up how I feel. And I'm sure many people on this site do. But I am jealous of the hate. I wish I could hate my ex, it would end my torment. But I just can't, no matter how much of a piece of trash she turned into.

 

You will get there. It took me many years to reach this point.

[h3braica]

I never felt this bad about someone before. I crave his company, I want him to realise what he has lost and drag himself back to me, I don't want to see him ever again, I want him to suffer like I have, but I am not vengeful, I often feel I can forgive him because he is just who he is, and he didn't happen to love me, but then he kind of did for a while, which makes me question what did I do wrong, which makes me want to talk to him, this makes me angry and sad as I don't want to contact him and it is just not an option, and that makes feel very rigid and brittle and strong, and I don't like being like this, I like being soft and warm, and not like this brittle dry person holding together with so much effort the parts of myself everyday. This whole thing made me tired and unattractive, and this is his fault. I am angry about everything bad that he has done to me, and everything good just hurts like hell. I know deep down, that he is doing fine, he always is on his own, he is trying new things and I just really hate him for it.

I hate him for all those years I spent with him working on building something beautiful, because he lied, he never wanted those things. This list never ends.

 

I am feelin' the same thing. i hate him forever.

[Hopeful_romantic]

I feel exactly the same as you, its crazy how we can love someone so much but hate them equally as much at the same time.. It's been a year and i'm still not over it, when will this feeling go?