CSpiers Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Hi all, been browsing these forums for a while and it seems like a pretty good place to share and learn. Thought i'd share some of what I've been going through over the last 4 months since my partner of a little over 2 years broke up with me, and see what input some of you might have. We started dating while we were both studying our music degrees at uni, I was 21 at the time (24 now), she was almost 20 (22 now). From the get go, I consciously made a commitment to be very open with my feelings and emotions, good or bad, better or worse, for however long the relationship lasted. This commitment was made due to a past relationship ending in many tears due to too many things being left unsaid (the downfall of a lot of relationships it seems). I was determined to learn from mistakes and not make those same ones again. Things were amazing for a very long time, we shared very similar interests, but differed in our ideologies and activities enough to keep things very fresh and interesting for a long time. She was interested in social and environmental activism, and through our time together I did my best to encourage her and on occasion involve myself in these activities. It was nice to be around someone who had a mind for the 'bigger picture', and as a slightly introverted, very creative person, this felt like a positive influence to have. We played music together, we challenged each others view and actions but were also supportive where and when it mattered most. We were also extremely sexually compatible, and that, paired with a very open line of communication, formed a sense of comfort and freedom within me that I'd never really experienced with another person. It was truly beautiful. Around a year into the relationship, she brought up her feelings about surrounding polyamorous relationships, and, as someone with no experience with such a relationship agreement, my stock reaction was fear and self doubt. However, a lot of trust had built up until this point, which gave me the courage to explore the idea more. I eventually came around and began to feel more comfortable about the idea behind mature polyamorous relationships. We both agreed that we'd have to be even more open with our communication for this to work should the situation arise that one of us would want to pursue a relationship with another concurrently. In some ways i believe it was at this point that I started to become more 'clingy' at times, for fear of being left for another, even though another part of my consciousness would reaffirm that things would settle due to our ability to communicate freely and openly. Challenging my ideals around love was one of the most challenging things i've had to negotiate, and is something I'll carry with me forever. Last December was when it all came apart. I had just completed my Music Degree and we had made plans to move to a new city together that had more opportunities for musicians like us, studying, performing and teaching. She came back from a trip of just over a week and then and there, the night she came back, she broke up with me. I was shocked to say the least, for the next few weeks I went into complete self protection mode, where it was almost impossible for others to tell that I'd just experienced something very deep, emotional and life changing. They couldn't believe how 'well' I was dealing with it. It eventually dawned on me that there became a point, somewhere along the line where she could no longer be completely honest with me, for fear of hurting me. She would try and renegotiate her feelings but it clearly did not end up working. Hence little things I felt we could have worked on ended up things i was completely oblivious too and ended up becoming bigger and hurting our relationship. Because of course, all of that trust that had been built, what reason did i have to doubt that? There was no obvious changes in the way that she'd been acting. And so, messy conversations, NC and then contact on and off since then, I've recently found out that she's just started seeing someone. In some ways i feel angry, jealous, hurt again, but in another way i felt strangely relieved, and im not sure why. I'm in a very strange, unusual place right now, mentally speaking. A lot of my friends have moved away over the last few years, so I've been dealing with a lot of this on my own, apart from my sister, who has been fantastic. Im about to start studying my Masters in a new city half way through the year, which im genuinely excited about. It's a situation where i feel fearful, but almost as if i have no choice, I have to take a plunge, take a risk, change my way of thinking. When something i believed in so thoroughly, with all my heart, is taken away I'm not sure what to put my faith in. I can proudly say that I was the best person I knew how to be, I gave so much time and energy and love to building what was for a good period of time and vibrant and loving relationship. It's been easier in the past, to pinpoint what went wrong, this time it seems - it's a breakup that's hard to find reason in. Hurt, battered and bruised, but deeply strong, passionate and willing, that's what I must believe about myself, because what else is there?
Author CSpiers Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Any thoughts on moving past this? I suppose what im struggling with most is the idea that we put so much energy into keeping the lines of communication open and again it was part of our downfall... I feel helpless and even a bit hopeless because of it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking.
TheFriend Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Admit to ythe friends that you do have that you are going through a hard time. They will be understanding. Otherwise time is your best friend. It suck and i remember being right where you are 2 months ago. I never thought I would feel better. I don't think you should ever have to change your conception about love ornopenyourself to things that you probably were not truly ever comfortable with. If you have this fears it is your gut telling you it's not right. I personally think its a very dangerous way to live a relationship and only see that situation ending negatively. I hope your ok man. You will recover just don't put upmwith a person wanting that again. Love shoukd on,y be shared with 1 person not 2,3 or however many at a time.
Author CSpiers Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Admit to ythe friends that you do have that you are going through a hard time. They will be understanding. Otherwise time is your best friend. It suck and i remember being right where you are 2 months ago. I never thought I would feel better. I don't think you should ever have to change your conception about love ornopenyourself to things that you probably were not truly ever comfortable with. If you have this fears it is your gut telling you it's not right. I personally think its a very dangerous way to live a relationship and only see that situation ending negatively. I hope your ok man. You will recover just don't put upmwith a person wanting that again. Love shoukd on,y be shared with 1 person not 2,3 or however many at a time. thanks, i appreciate the support, and even though we disagree about the validity of being able to have more than one partner at a time I respect where you're coming from. Like i was saying, the idea was difficult to grasp to start with, but even now I can see the potential benefits of it. You can invest in the happiness of another person without feeling like they need to be exclusively 'yours'. I see strong ideas of selflessness within the ideal. I think my fear stemmed from my own insecurity, and then you ask yourself 'why should i feel insecure?' 'Who decided that we can't feel passionately and equally yet wholly for more than one person at once?'. It's something that's helped me learn a lot about myself and the way i think of others, and while im not naturally polyamorous, i very much appreciate the different perspective that it gives on loving relationships.
Author CSpiers Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Its probably a discussion for another thread, as id like to keep this one focussed on dealing with coping with the loss of the relationship, and the breaking of trust, emotions etc.
TheFriend Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I respect everybody has their own beliefs and things that make them happy. The idea would drive me crazy and sounds like a Buffett or heart break. If you can pull that off it is very impressive to be honest!
SalientPoint Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) At my age having been around the block a few times, have been dating since my early teen's, have had all types of various romantic interpersonal relations, serious, long term relationships to one night stands, have a college degree and have taken several communication and psychology classes in college, and have several friends that are therapists, looking back and looking forward, I truly believe that in most relationships one person is just fundamentally more committed to the relationship than the other, barring the mutual breakup or unfortunate acts of fate like someone getting in a car crash and becoming a vegetable. Even if it's only .01% more committed, in the end, again barring mental health problems, abuse or glaring incompatibility from day one, that will be enough to tip the scales of someone getting dumped. If you shared a basic fundamental compatibility and she truly loved you and wanted to make things work, she would have openly communicated with you, or at least tried to, and been interested in compromise. The fact she seemingly blindsided you and peaced out, means, I'm sorry to say, that you were either more into it than she, or more comfortable than she, but if your depiction is accurate than you were just more into it than her. That means basically that none of this was your fault, totally out of your control, and hopefully you'll find someone that can share your same level of compatibility. Edited April 9, 2013 by SalientPoint
denxnis Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Polyamorous relationships, seriously? Call me a cave man but men are naturally territorial, that being said if any other male species tried to approach my woman my natural instincts are to kick his ass, simple as that. You don't share woman, you need to find someone that is happy to be with you and nobody else.
Author CSpiers Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Polyamorous relationships, seriously? Call me a cave man but men are naturally territorial, that being said if any other male species tried to approach my woman my natural instincts are to kick his ass, simple as that. You don't share woman, you need to find someone that is happy to be with you and nobody else. Do we live only based on 'natural instincts'? I know if i had I probably would have been in many physical fights and said many things I'd wish i hadn't. That's why we have the ability to reason. As I said though I would rather keep the discussion of philosophy surrounding relationship types out of this thread as this is already very difficult for me to talk about without making the situation more complex.
Author CSpiers Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 At my age having been around the block a few times, have been dating since my early teen's, have had all types of various romantic interpersonal relations, serious, long term relationships to one night stands, have a college degree and have taken several communication and psychology classes in college, and have several friends that are therapists, looking back and looking forward, I truly believe that in most relationships one person is just fundamentally more committed to the relationship than the other, barring the mutual breakup or unfortunate acts of fate like someone getting in a car crash and becoming a vegetable. Even if it's only .01% more committed, in the end, again barring mental health problems, abuse or glaring incompatibility from day one, that will be enough to tip the scales of someone getting dumped. If you shared a basic fundamental compatibility and she truly loved you and wanted to make things work, she would have openly communicated with you, or at least tried to, and been interested in compromise. The fact she seemingly blindsided you and peaced out, means, I'm sorry to say, that you were either more into it than she, or more comfortable than she, but if your depiction is accurate than you were just more into it than her. That means basically that none of this was your fault, totally out of your control, and hopefully you'll find someone that can share your same level of compatibility. thanks for taking the time, it's good to get an outside perspective from someone who doesn't know me personally (alarm bells for getting some counselling going off..)
denxnis Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Do we live only based on 'natural instincts'? Actually we do, only we've gotten better at hiding them; but I won't go into that per your request. This is a pretty common break-up, she is at an age where she is not yet ready to settle down and wants to pursue other options. I've seen it probably half a dozen times and experienced it myself as well. The ball is in her court and the only thing you can really do is pick-up what is left of your heart and become a stronger wiser person from this. Any form of contact or snooping on her will only postpone your recovery.
SalientPoint Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 thanks for taking the time, it's good to get an outside perspective from someone who doesn't know me personally (alarm bells for getting some counselling going off..) Well if you personally feel you need counseling then absolutely go for it! I don't think it ever hurts anyone! But I feel a lot of finding someone that does share a similar level to compatibility is sheer luck, so again, it sounds like you suited up and were ready to meet the challenge and she bailed, and that's absolutely nothing you should or can change, she was just not as into you (again don't mean to sound harsh by any means but where there's no abuse or obvious moral discontent that's pretty much what it is if they don't compromise) you just need to hold out and find someone who is equivalent on the " work it out" wavelength.
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