Kaiten Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 So i am 21. i dated a girl who is 17. Everything was going great but there was quite a bit of distance between us. The main thing that was detrimental to our relationship was that we were being very secretive of it. And that was cool at first because it was like being a ninja. The reason we didnt tell anyone is because we didnt want anyone to assume that just because i was older i was trying to seduce her and have sex with her. The secretive thing was cool for a while but then it got to the point where it was a little much. To be honest towards the end, i really didnt think it was a big deal at all. The only people that knew were me and my ex's families and our two best friends. But my best friend "accidentally" let the word slip and 2 more people found out. And they happened to specifically be the last 2 people i would have ever wanted to know. My ex's mom was quite defensive about the whole situation. I knew there would be naysayers but we all are a bunch of well-liked people, so as time went on I was less scared about everyone knowing. My ex's mom said she didn't want it put out there like that. I respected that. When they found out. They were like "its not that big a deal". And that shocked me. Then I told another friend. He also received it well. Then eventually i told one of the pastors at my church. Turns out he is 14 years older than his wife. I told all these people because it felt like the right thing to do. The last person i told i hardly ever see, but i consider her very wise. She is the nicest old lady ever. When i told her though i was expecting her to tell me it was a stupid idea because when i was telling her, we had already broken up. So when i told her she treated it like it was the most beautiful thing ever. The ex and i were a great couple honestly. I mean we were a duo! Or is it Duet?? The story has actually been inspiring to everyone that i have told. And whats more, i am finding that a lot of people in successful marriages are an even larger age gap away than my ex and i were. What i am thinking here is that my ex and i really had something, but we just became weary of never seeing each other for fear of naysayers. We would be in the same place in public and not even speak to each other once. We put in work to keep it a secret. At one time it seemed appropriate, even necessary but i was thinking towards the end that a large portion of "opposition" was really in our head. In our 7 month relationship, she and i spent time together 2 times. We called each other often. but there would be busy times where all we would get to do was text. and that made it harder. She broke up with me because the relationship eventually became a burden. And while it was a burden, i had turned my attention to other things and paid her much less attention. I began texting and calling a lot less. Not because i didnt love her. I just put the relationship on auto pilot. And that made her really upset when i would be more distant than usual. It kinda dawned on me today. She once sent me a message that i felt was unwarranted and it read "I just feel like this isnt what you want anymore :(" That was a month before we broke up. So i wasnt really reading the signs. The break up hit me kind of hard. She said she still loved me but that it just wasnt what it was in the beginning. She probably saw me as someone who didnt care for her anymore. The question i ask you all today is that would it be a possibility to try again next year? She'll be 18 and we will both me more mature, better people. I made a commitment to her family that i would love that girl. My word is strong. But i dont want to be an annoyance. I havent talked to her in a while, and she isnt the boy crazy type, but i am well aware that she could have multiple boyfriends before she is 18 next year. But with me still fully loving her, and maybe her having lingering feelings and many good memories, do you think it would be a good idea to not see her for a while and then "show up in her life again" when she is 18?
will1988 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 How does she feel about you? Throw out some feelers to her and see what she says. If she loves you still, go after her... when she is 18. I do not know where you live but most states here in the US frown upon adults dating people under the age of 18, and in most states it is illegal. However, if she does not respond well to your feelers than just let her go... move on.
na49 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Let her come to you. If she wants to she will no matter what. No waiting and then randomly "showing up in her life". It looks desperate and silly on your part because if she has moved on you look like a clown. 1
Author Kaiten Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 How does she feel about you? Throw out some feelers to her and see what she says. If she loves you still, go after her... when she is 18. I like the way you put that. What are some good ways to throw out feelers? I really need help with that. Im good at being subtle, so your advice will do me good
Author Kaiten Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Let her come to you. If she wants to she will no matter what. No waiting and then randomly "showing up in her life". It looks desperate and silly on your part because if she has moved on you look like a clown. Youre right. She hasnt made any kind of attempt to contact me whatsoever. I guess i was wondering if things might be different in a year. I was also wondering if because she is young, would she just write the whole thing off as a "childhood memory" so to speak, and forget it ever even happened.
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