Steph321 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I took a risk and told him I love him, after he confessed to me he was considering moving out of state for financial reasons. We have been exclusive for about 10 months. I have been wanting to tell him for awhile now, just never knew how or when to say it. After being completely vulnerable and sharing my honest feelings, he cried. Not just tears.. he was all out crying. I have never seen him like that before. He asked me why I never said it until that point and I told him I thought you could just tell how I felt about you through my actions. In between the tears he said he has a problem using the word "love" because he thought he was in love once (divorced for about 4 years, she screwed him up big time.) He also said he cares deeply for me. I fully accept this response because it is who he is. Has anyone else been through a similar experience with someone who seems to be afraid to love again and open up and express their feelings verbally? I love him very much but I love myself more and patience can only take me so far.
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 It's who he is, but if he wants to fall in love again and have the amazing benefits of being in love, being in a relationship, he needs to go seek counseling to work through his past pain. It doesn't have to be who he is. That's the thing! How far away is he moving? Would you consider moving to be with him, if he is ready for that? 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 He cried?? Umm ok then. I mean I guess that's cool, he obviously cares about you so idk you should just accept it.
Poppy fields Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I screwed up my ex pretty bad, and I know he has a hard time in dating and making commitments. I feel sorry for the women who have to clean up the messes us crazy people make. Good luck. 1
Author Steph321 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 We didn't discuss me moving with him. If he does move, depending on his job situation, it most likely won't be happening until at least 6 months. Basically, this topic opened up a very in depth conversation about marriage and the future. Our wants and needs, etc. I told him my future plan (marriage, kids, stable career.. no shocker there!) The conversation seemed to be mostly about me-- he must have asked me 100 questions, all with follow-up questions to my answers.
rocketman122 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I took a risk and told him I love him, after he confessed to me he was considering moving out of state for financial reasons. We have been exclusive for about 10 months. I have been wanting to tell him for awhile now, just never knew how or when to say it. After being completely vulnerable and sharing my honest feelings, he cried. Not just tears.. he was all out crying. I have never seen him like that before. He asked me why I never said it until that point and I told him I thought you could just tell how I felt about you through my actions. In between the tears he said he has a problem using the word "love" because he thought he was in love once (divorced for about 4 years, she screwed him up big time.) He also said he cares deeply for me. I fully accept this response because it is who he is. Has anyone else been through a similar experience with someone who seems to be afraid to love again and open up and express their feelings verbally? I love him very much but I love myself more and patience can only take me so far. forget the story im just wondering..10 months for the first person to say I love you? is that right?
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 He cried?? Umm ok then. I mean I guess that's cool, he obviously cares about you so idk you should just accept it. Apparently not cool to you, the thread's not about crying yet you bring it up. If your man cried you gonna weird out or support him?
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Well I see two positives. He accepted your vulnerability and you accepted his in that he cried. He was honest about being afraid to get hurt, that's a start, bringing the issue to the table. If anything this should help his trust that you were both able to talk about it. Don't "push" him, tey to convey to him that you can understand he's guarded and work on it from there. 1
veggirl Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I'd never feel comfortable dating someone who is so emotionally stunted/fked up that he can't express his feelings verbally. 10 mos and he can't say I love you...nope. I mean now what, just wait around til he feels comfortable verbalizing it or something? What if that's years away?
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) I'd never feel comfortable dating someone who is so emotionally stunted/fked up that he can't express his feelings verbally. 10 mos and he can't say I love you...nope. I mean now what, just wait around til he feels comfortable verbalizing it or something? What if that's years away? Unfortunately men are taught that when dealing with emotions and vulnerability with women it's better to be late than soon. Why is this? Why does it seem to work? I mean she's still there isn't she? I wonder if he told her he loved her before she was ready what would of happened? I want to be the one to ask for exclusivity, I want to say ILY first. I honestly think it's the mans job to do so. The "rule book" tells us to the contrary though. Edited April 9, 2013 by SJC2008 edit
clia Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I want to be the one to ask for exclusivity, I want to say ILY first. I honestly think it's the mans job to do so. The "rule book" tells us to the contrary though. What "rule book" are you talking about? It is the man's job to do so. I always let the man ask for exclusivity and say ILY first. However, I wouldn't wait ten months for him to say it. I'd be long gone...
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Apparently not cool to you, the thread's not about crying yet you bring it up. If your man cried you gonna weird out or support him? Just not used to crying men that's all. Depends why he was crying.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I always let the man ask for exclusivity and say ILY first. However, I wouldn't wait ten months for him to say it. I'd be long gone... You and me both! OP-- Ten months and he never said ILY?? Now that you've said it, he still can't? Typically if a guy hasn't gotten there by six months or so, you're going to be Sisyphus pushing that relationship boulder up a hill to neverland. Besides, you aren't his therapist. If he tells you he's too wounded and screwed up to be emotionally open with you, believe him! Move on! Amazingly, when they meet the right woman, previous hurts suddenly no longer matter. Don't waste time on projects. It's a long, long, frustratingly strung-along road to limboland.
veggirl Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Unfortunately men are taught that when dealing with emotions and vulnerability with women it's better to be late than soon. Why is this? Why does it seem to work? I mean she's still there isn't she? I wonder if he told her he loved her before she was ready what would of happened? I want to be the one to ask for exclusivity, I want to say ILY first. I honestly think it's the mans job to do so. The "rule book" tells us to the contrary though. I've never heard its anyone specifics job to say ILY, etc first. In my relationship, my bf did. In my last one, I did. That's besides the point though, the point is after 10 mos he can't tell his girlfriend that he loves her. His girlfriend is presumably the closest person to him and he can't say ILY to her. He is emotionally screwed up and she is wasting her time on a project.
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 What "rule book" are you talking about? It is the man's job to do so. I always let the man ask for exclusivity and say ILY first. However, I wouldn't wait ten months for him to say it. I'd be long gone... It is preached to men that you DON'T bring up being exclusive, that you wait for the woman to do it. And if you do you'll see a smoke trail. I agree with you that it's the mans job.
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Just not used to crying men that's all. Depends why he was crying. I can understand that you're not used to it, men don't usually cry. I've only cried about 3 times in adult hood and they were pretty serious events, one being the death of my father. My point is that it shouldn't depend on why and have to be checked off as ok by you for you to accept it. You either support him on the rare occasion that he does cry or date a cold emotionless rock, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 It is preached to men that you DON'T bring up being exclusive, that you wait for the woman to do it. And if you do you'll see a smoke trail. I agree with you that it's the mans job. Well, someone needs to educate the guys I've dated so far. None of them seemed to have received that rule book!
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You and me both! OP-- Ten months and he never said ILY?? Now that you've said it, he still can't? Typically if a guy hasn't gotten there by six months or so, you're going to be Sisyphus pushing that relationship boulder up a hill to neverland. Besides, you aren't his therapist. If he tells you he's too wounded and screwed up to be emotionally open with you, believe him! Move on! Amazingly, when they meet the right woman, previous hurts suddenly no longer matter. Don't waste time on projects. It's a long, long, frustratingly strung-along road to limboland. So what is the "deadline" for an ILY? They say it takes about seven months on average to fall in love. So if it's too soon you scare her off, and if it's too late she moves on. What about MY window? What about ME? People move at different paces. I am capable of loving but aren't going to throw the word out there just to appease someone. The man broke down and cried and was honest about being guarded. I'm sorry he got hurt and is "damaged" in some of yalls eyes. They talked about it so that's a start and they can build off of that from there. somenes guard down is a two way street, you have to learn about someoBringing ne and their past to try to understand them. It's not about dealines. Everyone is "damaged" to a certain extent and yes some are damaged beyond repair but you gotta put an effort in to reasure someone, not just go off of a silly dealine.
Author Steph321 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the honest replies everyone. Someone asked if I "feel" it. I definitely do. I remember my feelings and emotions exactly at the time of this conversation, and it wasn't regret or sadness or disappointment because he didnt reciprocate the ILY. My feeling was simply understanding and acceptance of his response. I guess that's what love truly is? We just planned a short trip which is coming up next month, so I'll see how things are at that point. Some of you are correct in a way-- I am not his therapist and I have to look out for my own needs and best interest. He needs to start letting me in.. And maybe he will. Maybe he won't. That decision is his and I can't beg him or force him to do anything. I guess I need to figure out how much time I will give him and that's the hard part. Oh and just for the record.. He was the one that brought up being exclusive. During the third date. Edited April 9, 2013 by Steph321
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