johan Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I think a woman will tell you she wants a commitment (marriage) without you really having to ask. You should pretty much have the answer before you even ask, if she really loves you that much. Comments and special efforts and a need to be together and share everything are the signs I know. Persistent comments about our future, too, and actions to motivate that future. If a girl wants it, she'll say so, in words and actions. And then you know you could ask and make it real. On the other hand, if you aren't sure about how she feels, then it's not time. She might say yes, but that doesn't mean she's really sure. That's where I am. I feel like that guy Aidan on Sex in the City, except I'm not quite as passive. When I watch that show, I keep thinking he's such a moron for not catching on to her body language. And her reluctance to really commit. I don't even know if I have a girlfriend anymore. Instead of professing my love for her, I just got upset at her tonight for not loving me enough to want a commitment. I don't expect her to want it, I guess. I just expect her to be honest with me, and convince me she isn't just wasting my time. Or just stop wasting my time. She just got defensive and twisted it around on me. She isn't sure about a commitment, because we've been fighting so much for so long. For a long time we fought because she got upset about a hundred different little things that indicated I might betray her somehow. And she would neither forgive nor forget. About a month ago I got fed up and broke up with her, took some of my stuff, and left. It didn't last long, and a little over a week later, we were back together. But she stopped giving me such a hard time. Heaven, that was. We spent more time together, fought about nothing, and we seemed to have overcome the mistrust. I thought she must have come to terms with what it was doing to our relationship. I took that as evidence she really loves me, could be strong and take control, and I knew in my heart she was my mate. Then I realized that she was no more tempted to commit than before. That was a real disappointment. Now here we are My theory up to now is that she's afraid of commitment. Her solution is to try to make EVERYTHING perfect first. No more fighting, all trust issues fixed and all insecurities gone. All money problems fixed. Sucess at work in a satisfying career. How long should I wait for all the excuses to go away? We wouldn't fight if she tried to trust me. I don't think it's realistic to never feel insecure. I don't care how much she makes. I don't have to respect her as an intellectual power in the workplace. If she worked happily at Starbucks, that would be okay with me. She's the one with all the parameters. I've been thinking maybe she isn't afraid of commitment. I'm thinking of calling it quits. I don't have what it takes to really win her heart. I'm obviously close, because we've been together for two and a half years. But I can tell there's something missing. I'm not going down like Aidan. Hanging in there, taking her at her word, ignoring the signs, until she finds Mr. Big and kicks my heart back to me on the sidewalk, crying like an idiot.
moimeme Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I kind of get where she might be coming from. It was constant fights with the ex. I hated it. Other relationships weren't anything like that. I sure didn't look forward to any sort of future with him. She may not want it perfect, but I was hoping to manage even two weeks, or better yet a month, without any fights. I don't think we made one week We wouldn't fight if she tried to trust me. Huh? So they're all her fault? Isn't she OCD? So isn't her insecurity part of it? And therefore aren't you battling an ailment that defies reason with reason?
snilljente Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Just curious how old you guys are and how long you've been dating?
snilljente Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I don't understand the comment about OCD and how that relates to the issue he is posting...
Author johan Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 I kind of get where she might be coming from. It was constant fights with the ex. I hated it. Other relationships weren't anything like that. I sure didn't look forward to any sort of future with him. She may not want it perfect, but I was hoping to manage even two weeks, or better yet a month, without any fights. I don't think we made one week. We've gone through stretches where we couldn't make it a week. Lately it's been better. So I was encouraged. Huh? So they're all her fault? I'm not saying they're all her fault. I was there. I fought, too. I was hoping to get through to her at some point. But we would have had a LOT fewer fights if she could have come to terms with those things. They weren't such a big deal. Isn't she OCD? So isn't her insecurity part of it? And therefore aren't you battling an ailment that defies reason with reason? She's never been diagnosed with anything. She's certainly obsessive at times, but I'd be surprise to find out she has OCD. She can adjust her behavior when she decides to. For example, she stopped giving me a hard time about all that stuff after I walked out. I took that to mean she had control if she wanted it.
Author johan Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 Just curious how old you guys are and how long you've been dating? Early 30s. 2.5 years. I don't understand the comment about OCD and how that relates to the issue he is posting... You may not have seen earlier posts. I've discussed some of this before.
moimeme Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Well then it sounds like basic incompatibility. If, after two and a half years, you haven't settled into an ability to be comfortable with each other, how long do you think it should take? As some folks have said, while love takes work, it shouldn't be that hard and take that much work. I suspect you are both better suited to other people.
Author johan Posted September 15, 2004 Author Posted September 15, 2004 You might be right that we should move on. But it isn't as black and white as "basic incompatibility". We also have some basic compatibilities that have kept us together. Our compatibilities have made it worth it. I think it would be such a waste for us to stop, because we really are a great match. Dammit.
moimeme Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I have to disagree. A great match isn't fraught with continual conflict. That's more like the definition of hell, IMHO.
snilljente Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 I agree, love shouldn't be SO painful....it's hard letting go....even with the worst matches, there are things that are good between two people or with the person themselves....nothing is black and white, but I get concerned when basic things like communication (lack of seems to lead to the conflicts you have described) is a major thing and if it's not top notch...the relationship will always be seriously handicapped.....
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