My Story

[confused4321]

I have been reading on this forum for awhile now and decided that I wanted to post my story. I will try to make it short as possible. I have been with my bf for 15 years and we have a teenage daughter. The last D-day was about three months ago and I can actually say that I believe he has had NC since then. What I mean by the last D-day is that I had a couple before that, but the affair never stopped. The AP was a co-worker of his and my dumb a** thought that he could still work with her. However, from the first D-day till the last I always had my doubts that it was really over. The affair lasted around three months or so maybe longer because I am sure it started way before they even started texting. My bf and I were having a lot of problems before this started and in reality I was already wanting to call it quits. I tried telling him how I felt and it always ended up in some sort of bad argument and got us completely no where. I guess instead of him wanting to work on things with me he decided that meeting someone else was the better way out. After the first D-day he acted like he really wanted to work on things and we did actually start communicating. However, I still noticed that he was not quite himself and knew that there was a great chance that he was still seeing her. So of course we were arguing about her and he keep telling me nothing was going on. I had even talked to her a couple of times and she lied to me as well. One day he came home from work and said he decided that he wanted to go stay somewhere for a few days to think about things. I agreed because just like him I wanted a break to. He had promised me that he would not contact her during this time and for what ever reason I almost believed him. Little did I know they planned this all out so they could be together. He came home a few days later and I had already planned to sit down and have a talk with him about our relationship. As soon as he came home I confronted him again about her and he had finally admitted to having lunch with her, but said nothing else had happened. Of course at this time he didn't admit that he spent the last couple of days with her, he only admitted taking her to lunch because I could prove it with bank records. I again agreed to work things out and believed him when he said that lunch was all it was. Well as you could probably have guessed I found a phone he had bought just to talk to her. Finally, he quit his job immediately and has had NC with her since. About a month after this he finally admitted to having slept with her. My confusion is not really knowing where to go from here. I honestly believe that he is sorry, partly because he got caught and partly because it hurt me so bad. He has done a lot since then to try and make it up, but I don't know if his efforts are enough for me. I have been reading about the trickle truth and I feel that is what I get from him. I just don't know how to get over all the hurt he caused me along the way. It might have been easier if I hadn't known anything till the final D-day, but I will never know that because it did not happen that way. During this time I felt like every time I tried to get back up he just kept knocking me right back down. I have read about the affair fog and the fact that he worked with her made it impossible for it to stop. Doesn't mean that any of that makes me feel any better. I do have some great friends that have helped me get to where I am at today, but I think even they are getting tired of having to listen to me. Some tell me I just need to get over it if I want to stay, but I don't find it to be that easy. I wish it was. I hate feeling like this and I hate not being able to get this out of my head. I have so many questions for him and ask him them all the time, but I never feel satisfied with the answers or the answers make me have more questions. I wonder if I do decide to stay if it could ever really work. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend or have to worry about where he is all the time. I just wish he would do all the things he is doing to try and make this work before he added her into this. I feel so bad about myself and wonder now if I will ever be enough for him. I feel like through all of this he was trying to make a choice between her or me. And in my opinion I should have never been made a choice. I keep thinking about what I am going to do. I have at least come to the conclusion that no matter whether I leave or stay I feel like I am the one who loses.