fighting style - men vrs women

[candie13]

so I'll have another go at this itchy subject (since I've just had a major fight with my bf last week).

 

what's your fighting style: are you upfront and spell it out immediately, when something bothers you, or are you bottling it up and then spill it out, when you'v had enough?

 

or maybe some of you never get upset and are bothered when others create drama around you?

 

do you ever feel that the why you are upset is bothering you so much that in the end, your frustration prevents you from passing the message?

 

how about the one you prefer for your partner - how would you prefer s/he communicates her dislikes - if any ? Any funny stories?

 

Do you find your fighting style with your partners is different from you fighting style with your friends? 'fess up

[tbf]

If you can handle the crude language,

Dane Cook stand up routine is pretty funny and explains much.

[TaraMaiden]

I disapprove of the term fighting.

It makes it sound like every relationship is a competition or a power struggle.

[candie13]

I disapprove of the term fighting.

It makes it sound like every relationship is a competition or a power struggle.

 

ok... expressing your different point of view! your preferences... for something else... your... distress, maybe? is that... possible ?

[candie13]

If you can handle the crude language,

Dane Cook stand up routine is pretty funny and explains much.

 

yeah... ten seconds down the line... I think I get the idea... now how about some meat on that bone, pls ?

[todreaminblue]

so I'll have another go at this itchy subject (since I've just had a major fight with my bf last week).

 

what's your fighting style: are you upfront and spell it out immediately, when something bothers you, or are you bottling it up and then spill it out, when you'v had enough?

 

or maybe some of you never get upset and are bothered when others create drama around you?

 

do you ever feel that the why you are upset is bothering you so much that in the end, your frustration prevents you from passing the message?

 

how about the one you prefer for your partner - how would you prefer s/he communicates her dislikes - if any ? Any funny stories?

 

Do you find your fighting style with your partners is different from you fighting style with your friends? 'fess up

 

 

My fighting style, is discussion with a partner......reasoning communication and discussion......coming up with compromise and working together to reach that compromise......i argue with myself more than others....i try to see both sides....always......and if i am upset it might take a partner a few goes.....because i will say dont worry ill be ok...ill try and work things out myself...but i give in because most of my partners have known when i am upset....and they dont give up ....neither does my family....its better for me if i dont carry too much heartache or frustration i become confused and ocd.............its much better when i face things head on than run away.....

 

the styles i fighting i cant stand...are aggressive stance or ignorance......normally when i get ignored ill...become anxious and flinch when confronted or ignored....my son is aggressive and i have to not confront him and ignore his foul language adn ignore him in general ....i have been taught in therapy adn counselling how to do this...i am only ignorant when people are aggressive or ignorant themselves...and that si in self defense .. partners have been aggressive and ignorant with me normally when they are lying or being hateful......my father was ignorant with me when he was pissed off with me, ..i would beg him and try and apologize half the time i didnt know what i had done..i would spend a whole car ride trying to find out...i would try and fix it.......and then i would cop the belt anyway...normally it was for something really minor.......i dont like fast movements in an argument i flinch......i hate flinching it makes me feel pathetic...

 

 

 

i like calm strength and mutual control in an argument someone who stands up for what they believe in but not aggressive in manner speech or physicality...i behave the same.i have learnt how to argue and when to pick my battles i am a mediator.......a compromiser....

 

 

 

i hope one day to meet a partner who is like me...who understands or tries to see both sides and is patient with me and moves slowly...is that too much to ask? probably...i dont like it when am ignored ...i have shed many tears alone and confused because of this...trying to work out what i have done wrong..i would never make someone feel this way intentionally i would have profound guilt...i always explain to my son when he calms down why i couldnt talk to him when he is angry and we make up.....he is mentally impaired and he never is aggressive intentionally it just happens..and can escalate super fast..i forgive him....the others.....i forgive but i cant forget....ignorance is hurtful to me...i think if people knew how i felt they wouldnt ignore me......i take that fact into mind..........makes me feel better when they do ignore me if i think of that.....and i can move on...deb

[TaraMaiden]

ok... expressing your different point of view! your preferences... for something else... your... distress, maybe? is that... possible ?

 

Odd as it may seem, 'talking' describes it pretty well.

[2sure]

If an important issue comes up, I'm all about sitting down, staying collected, and trying to work it out.

 

If its something that has come to annoy me, over time, and has already been brought up....I'm armed.

[candie13]

Odd as it may seem, 'talking' describes it pretty well.

 

well... I sure qualify it as "talking" most of the time... the Mr. seems to think otherwise ,

[candie13]

Screaming, throwing **** and slamming doors as it's known round my house.

 

God, I miss that crazy bitch.

 

lemme guess... great make-up sex !?!

[tbf]

yeah... ten seconds down the line... I think I get the idea... now how about some meat on that bone, pls ?

Ookaayy, you want personal details?

 

H and I have similar styles, in that we're blunt. He's better at and is more interested in de-escalation which works well, since I'm more prone to throwing up my hands and walking away, when the effort exceeds the return.

[candie13]

Ookaayy, you want personal details?

 

H and I have similar styles, in that we're blunt. He's better at and is more interested in de-escalation which works well, since I'm more prone to throwing up my hands and walking away, when the effort exceeds the return.

 

how about him, what approach works best with him, to make him actually listen when you're communicating your being upset (before throwing your hands up in the aid and walking away, as I imagine you don't just do that automatically)?

[candie13]

It was pretty great at all times. Literally her only redeeming quality.

 

well, the fighting seemed pretty intense, too. As crazy as it may sound, some people appreciate a good partner in fights .

[veggirl]

BF and I both bring things up as they occur/bother us. No bottling it up, thankfully. That's a recipe for disaster.

 

We are also both pretty good at talking things out rather than getting all worked up. Better than I've ever experienced with ANY other partner, but not perfect. Neither of us are yellers or swearers to each other.

 

And throwing s.hit? HELL NO. I would never put up with that kind of crazy.

[candie13]

that's what's bothering me... my bf and I never had reasons to fight, but he did some stupid stuff that made me really mad... and I sort of blew. It went a bit off track from that, because he was very marked by my raising Hell instead of looking at why I was upset to begin with.

 

We've decided to start clean and not look back, but I see that even when I'm making observations, he's clamming up. anyway...

[tbf]

how about him, what approach works best with him, to make him actually listen when you're communicating your being upset (before throwing your hands up in the aid and walking away, as I imagine you don't just do that automatically)?

His preference is for bluntness. Tell it like it is, laying it out in rational form which is my preference too. My give up routine was in consideration of my own limited patience with irrationality so his objective de-escalation skills ensure that we maintain an information exchange, logical and resolution focused discussion. Objective to objective discussion which ensures that we resolve.

 

Bear in mind that he's a trial lawyer/litigator so this is his skill set. Thankfully with his loved ones, he's more focused on win/win.

[nessaaa]

I laugh and joke around and then i SNAP

[iKING]

I laugh and joke around and then i SNAP

 

Have you ever considered you may be a snake?

 

My preference would be somewhere between talking about it rationally like adults and turning the apartment into a war-zone.

 

Especially in newly formed relationships, the arguments can vary from time to time in intensity, not all things are worth the battle, so some can be reasonably negotiated rather quickly and without emotions becoming too involved.

 

Others, namely where feelings are hurt heavily, can become more heated (raising voice, walking away, etc.), however I've found that the longer the relationship goes on, the more steadily the fighting style becomes.

 

Ideally we should all be able to talk it out as reasonable adults, but it doesn't always happen that way.

[candie13]

what are your pet peeves, when it comes to fighting, iKing? anything that really irritates you? some men are simply allergic to the idea of confrontation, irrelevant of how mild ...

[iKING]

what are your pet peeves, when it comes to fighting, iKing? anything that really irritates you? some men are simply allergic to the idea of confrontation, irrelevant of how mild ...

 

Name calling and petty insults.

 

It's hard to guess what's anger, and what's truth.

 

Not much beyond that really.

 

I can handle confrontation.

[Els]

Agreed with king, pretty much, except that I assume that when we are talking about 'fighting', we assume that the 'calm and rational' part has already flown out the window at that point.

 

'Fighting' has been quite rare nowadays that we have learnt enough of each other to prevent it from getting to that point most of the time.

 

But when it does happen, my instinctive style is to want to hash it through to the bitter end, whereas his is to disengage. After a few years of learning to work with this, I no longer see it as a threat when he walks out to clear his head because I know that he will return in a much better condition to talk about things calmly, and I learn to take the time to calm down as well. We usually have a much calmer discussion about things after he returns.

 

Learning to fight well is an integral part of building a strong LTR IMO. But - forgive me if I'm making assumptions - I am concerned that you are asking about this so much in a fairly new relationship.

[veggirl]

candie how do you approach "fights"? What causes fights? I mean does a simple disagreement turn into a big fighting match? If so that is a huge problem, the best thing is to learn how to communicate effectively so you DON'T turn just a disagreement into a shouting match or something.

 

If you get into shouting matches over small things, you probably just aren't compatible or you guys each have a lot of maturing to do yourself wrt relationships in general.

[Radu]

I had an anger problem, so i try not to fight.

Not that i ever hit anyone, but i know that my mouth starts flapping and i end up escalating.

 

So, despite my size i'm quite anti-violence.

 

If it's too much, and i can't reduce it, i walk away.

 

If i had absolutely enough, i will make up my mind to completely leave, and nothing can convince me to change my mind.

Did it a few times with ex's and former friends.

[tman666]

My fighting style is based around boxing and Okinawan karate with some Greco-Roman wresting and BJJ mixed in for balancing the ground game.

 

But for realzies, my girl and I avoid name calling and yelling as much as possible. Yes, sometimes the discussions get pretty heated (raised voices, the occasional roar), but we have a pretty good habit of making sure that some sort of productive communication is occurring, even if emotions are running high.

 

The other thing that we tend to do is tackle an argument head on, and hash it out until it's completely done. Neither of us are big fans of leaving something unresolved, storming out of the house, locking oneself in the bathroom, going to bed still pissed at each other, etc.

 

I recall way back, a few months into our relationship, we had a fight (I have no idea about what anymore) where she got pissed and basically just told me to "fuark off". As I was heading out the front door, she had a change of heart, and we agreed right then and there to settle our differences like adults or not at all. It's sort of been that way ever since.

 

I've been in relationships with crazy girls that threw things, tried to slap/push me, called names, and were just overdramatic in general. For me, that's a dealbreaker now. Do not want.

[GorillaTheater]

I had an anger problem, so i try not to fight.

Not that i ever hit anyone, but i know that my mouth starts flapping and i end up escalating.

 

So, despite my size i'm quite anti-violence.

 

If it's too much, and i can't reduce it, i walk away.

 

I struggled with anger, though I'm pretty good at staying clam now. For me, and I think for alot of men, anger is the default emotion. Frustrated? Get pissed. Scared? Get pissed.

 

For me, it meant volume. I didn't engage in name-calling, and never a hint of violence with a woman, but I sure could shout. Then one day my wife told me how my shouting hurt her. It was a process, but I immediately began to rein it in.