Wife wants out.

April 8, 2013

We started dating in 08 and have been married for 3 years. Past years have been a real doozie, had some real dark times and I dont even see light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Its to the point now where we cant even be around each other without getting in an argument about A: spending money, B: our crap living situation thats always my fault, C: My 5 year old son my ex wont let me see, D: my lack of being responsible, E: My ordering engine parts on the internet so I can fix up the crappy truck I drive. F: My credit score, G: Me letting the rent check bounce because my paycheck was held for 5 days. E: A consistently messy house. F: My constant drinking so I can go into la la land and relax. G: her being over qualified for the job she hates, H: Causing her to live in a area she cant stand. I: Causing her to not be able to afford enough pants to wear?

Over the phone I can sense in about 5 seconds if she is in a ****ty mood, I know the mood is going to fester into more. She will deny she is in a ****ty mood, I will ask whats wrong and she never says anything. Pretty soon we end up in separate rooms on our computers and I drink beers until I just dont care anymore. I take a nap and when I wake up its like it never happened.

Her other mood is freak out panic stress over everything mode. This has been happening ALOT since I mentioned we should work on buying a house. This was sparked by conversations I had with a co-worker who is in the same shape as me financially who is trying to buy a house. I wanted to move slow on the house purchasing, feel around a little bit until we go into full speed ahead. My wife has taken over and turned it into a horrible experience we cant even talk about at this point.

I have a great example of how these things escalate, If we were to see each other this afternoon she is going to open her email and notice I ordered an enormous radio controlled goodyear blimp off of ebay. Why did I do that? because I had been drinking all afternoon and rambling on and on about a radio controlled blimp I had when I was a kid on a chevy truck forum. Since I was half lit and have a good chunk of change in my bank account I ordered one on ebay. I regret it today but at the time I felt some joy. This action is going to translate into me being irresponsible and not wanting to buy a house etc....

The no pants dance is one of my favorite things to do, its now Monday morning and the last time I got any action was last Wednesday morning. It was make up sex after what was possibly our biggest fight ever, I was pretty depressed and even more depressed after I realized I dont even enjoy it anymore, its like she's just doing a chore to shut me up. Before that I cant remember the last time we had sex, I think once a week if I am lucky.

I dont even know what to do anymore, the only strategy I have come up with is working every day with no days off and living in separate towns. Last time I lived and worked out of town I had so much fun I did not want to come home but I did, and it sucked. I spent several days cleaning up a house we rented while my wife went to school. I hauled all this junk up there in my junk ass truck on what was the worse road trip of my life. Now I was selling most everything on the INTERNET and having garage sales, it was a ton of work. I cleaned that house every day trying to get the dog piss smell out of the carpet from her stupid little dogs she had to have. I did everything in my power to get the house clean enough to get our deposit back, I feel like I put in 100% effort into this whole thing while she finished up stuff at school. In the end the carpet was ruined, we lost our deposit and pretty soon it was my fault for not doing a good enough job.

After that we were homeless at her parents house and she was on me about finding a job. I felt like she was expecting me to just go out and find one as soon as she snaps her fingers, this was pretty horrible for a while. At one point I was so god damn frustrated with this I was talking to Army recruiters and ready to get the hell out of the country.

I told her I would look as soon as we were in the town and I could go around town and figure out a good place to work, almost immediately I had a job at a trucking company one town over. I screwed up and did not get the utilities switched over in my name quick enough and our power got cut off, at the same time was my first day of truckin so I could not take care of it. Those were about the two worse days ever, my wife was not pleasant about that. While driving this truck with nearly no sleep and having not eaten in I dont know how long I was actually just considering driving the truck into a bridge pillar I was so miserable.

Any suggestions as to what I should do?

April 8, 2013

This is a joke, right? If so, hilarious. If not.. wow.

April 8, 2013

Almost forgot this little line of text from her post on here a few threads under mine.

"Tonight, we fought and he left because I wanted to talk about our finances. Nothing accusatory--I'm just feeling stressed about it and wanted a sympathetic ear"

So Saturday morning I was up at 4:30 in the morning, off to work for one hell of a frustrating 12 hour shift getting thrown around in the cab of a Dozer non stop. She picked me up at my friends house I rode with at 8:45 P.M. and I could tell she was upset about something, the way she was speaking to me was borderline rude. I wanted a beer, I asked if she could turn at a stop light and her response was something along the lines of she knew exactly what I wanted and was not so nice. While I was getting out of the car she mentioned something about a bounced rent check I was trying to hide. I explained I was not trying to hide it, I was planning on going into the bank when I had a day off and seeing if they could fix it for me.

Next day is my day off before i start working night shifts, my intentions were to get rested up for the next few nights. I wanted to kick back and read a book, mess around on the Internet a little bit on my Sunday afternoon. She had other plans, I could see she was reading stuff on the INTERNET and slowly going into freakout mode which leads to lecturing me and more about how bad it was to bounce the rent check. Her mood was getting worse and worse as she kept going on and on about credit and buying a house. I was doing selective hearing and then she brought up my son, that is always a guaranteed% fight after we discuss what is going on with my Son. At this point I just felt like she is trying to argue with me, I decided to take a nap right then and there. When I woke up later she was in a even worse mood. I said I wanted to go to town to get something to eat, we did not speak. Instead I turned the radio up and she changed the station to Taylor Swift, I changed it back and she just turned off the radio. Next words she said to me were "I dont give a **** what you want but I want Arbys". I took her to Arby's and headed over to Taco bell. After seeing a huge line I bailed off a curb in her car just to get home, I did not feel like eating anymore. So here response to that was "good, **** up our only good car". I said "well at least I did not slide it into a curb and trash the wheel bearing", her response was "Its your fault I had to drive in the snow because you were too drunk to drive". I fixed the wheel bearing in that car, I get no credit for that. So I drop her off at the house and just as soon as I am getting out I decided I wanted food afterall so I just drove to Sonic and ate a terrible cheese burger by myself and REALLY took my time.

Nothing else really eventfull happened the rest of the night, but this is a typical night for us. If we are not arguing we are sitting on our laptops in our own little worlds.

April 8, 2013

This is a joke, right? If so, hilarious. If not.. wow.

Not a joke buddy, I do try to have a sense of humor though.

April 8, 2013

1. Get help to quit drinking. It is interfering with your judgment, finances, and relationship. As well it seems that it affected your relationship prior to her.

2. Quit blaming her "stress levels" and being "pissed off."

You are a stressful partner to deal with and it would piss the vast majority of people off.

3. Quit acting like her having an emotion over you irresponsibility is a crisis. The crisis is your irresponsible attitude and treating her complaints like "noise" you have to escape from.

4. Quit trying to run for these escapist exits. My husband has this pattern as well. It's a threat. It's a punishment. It's abusive and highly damaging to ANY relationship. Stick around, deal with your drinking. Get screened for any other psychological issue.

5. Learn how to empathize.

6. Read books instead of eBay crap you can buy. Read Divorce Remedy, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Hold Me Tight, When Mars and Venus Collide (IMPORTANT FOR EMPATHY, which you are lacking). And anything by Gottman.

These books are your new bible. It isn't up to her to babysit you and fix the whole relationship herself.

7. Go to marital counseling and personal counseling.

But REALLY ANY CHANGE WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT.

Stop trying to run to fix the problem.

IMHO women tend to get louder when men back away. More frustrated etc until they finally just give up and walk. Like a switch flipped,

Try LISTENING to her and not looking for her being "pissed off" with you.

My husband pulls this crap. If I get frustrated about the stove not working (or whatever) he freaks. He takes it personally. He jumps all over it.

If I have "a look on my face" which could be from being TIRED, STRESSED about my school work and any series of unrelated things he's just like "what's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?"

Does your wife seem like a shrinking violet who's afraid to share her feelings? No. Then stop BUGGING her about this or that feeling. Of she wants to SHARE, she'll SHARE.

Go to work, keep a steady job. Be her dependable partner. She will return the favor.

Learn how to budget. Take responsibility for your monthly budget.

If you can't afford "dates" try to make one night a week where you do something date-like, like run her a nice bath, make her a nice supper. Something.

God, do ONE of the above suggestions and it would be a massive improvement.

We had a tense marriage like yours is now. There is nothing more frustrating to a wife than putting in all of the relationship work in for a guy who wants to play victim to OBVIOUS feelings of annoyance. Which obviously anyone would have with the behaviours you are talking about. And trying to run away, jeez.

I haven't had that issue with my husband for over a year and I am still recovering from the crap he pulled doing that.

If you clean up your end, you can talk to her about her end.

But if you sit back waiting for her not to be "pissed off" with your irresponsibility, you are going to be waiting a damn long time. Plus if you want change LEAD IT.

April 8, 2013

Given the fact that your W is on LS and you just replayed this whole specific event, ate you actually looking for solutions on how to cohesively work with your partner? Or are you just trying to show everyone what a "misrepresenting bitch" [add your own description] she is?

Almost forgot this little line of text from her post on here a few threads under mine.

"Tonight, we fought and he left because I wanted to talk about our finances. Nothing accusatory--I'm just feeling stressed about it and wanted a sympathetic ear"

So Saturday morning I was up at 4:30 in the morning, off to work for one hell of a frustrating 12 hour shift getting thrown around in the cab of a Dozer non stop. She picked me up at my friends house I rode with at 8:45 P.M. and I could tell she was upset about something, the way she was speaking to me was borderline rude. I wanted a beer, I asked if she could turn at a stop light and her response was something along the lines of she knew exactly what I wanted and was not so nice. While I was getting out of the car she mentioned something about a bounced rent check I was trying to hide. I explained I was not trying to hide it, I was planning on going into the bank when I had a day off and seeing if they could fix it for me.

Next day is my day off before i start working night shifts, my intentions were to get rested up for the next few nights. I wanted to kick back and read a book, mess around on the Internet a little bit on my Sunday afternoon. She had other plans, I could see she was reading stuff on the INTERNET and slowly going into freakout mode which leads to lecturing me and more about how bad it was to bounce the rent check. Her mood was getting worse and worse as she kept going on and on about credit and buying a house. I was doing selective hearing and then she brought up my son, that is always a guaranteed% fight after we discuss what is going on with my Son. At this point I just felt like she is trying to argue with me, I decided to take a nap right then and there. When I woke up later she was in a even worse mood. I said I wanted to go to town to get something to eat, we did not speak. Instead I turned the radio up and she changed the station to Taylor Swift, I changed it back and she just turned off the radio. Next words she said to me were "I dont give a **** what you want but I want Arbys". I took her to Arby's and headed over to Taco bell. After seeing a huge line I bailed off a curb in her car just to get home, I did not feel like eating anymore. So here response to that was "good, **** up our only good car". I said "well at least I did not slide it into a curb and trash the wheel bearing", her response was "Its your fault I had to drive in the snow because you were too drunk to drive". I fixed the wheel bearing in that car, I get no credit for that. So I drop her off at the house and just as soon as I am getting out I decided I wanted food afterall so I just drove to Sonic and ate a terrible cheese burger by myself and REALLY took my time.
Nothing else really eventfull happened the rest of the night, but this is a typical night for us. If we are not arguing we are sitting on our laptops in our own little worlds.

April 8, 2013

1. Get help to quit drinking. It is interfering with your judgment, finances, and relationship. As well it seems that it affected your relationship prior to her.

2. Quit blaming her "stress levels" and being "pissed off."
You are a stressful partner to deal with and it would piss the vast majority of people off.

3. Quit acting like her having an emotion over you irresponsibility is a crisis. The crisis is your irresponsible attitude and treating her complaints like "noise" you have to escape from.

4. Quit trying to run for these escapist exits. My husband has this pattern as well. It's a threat. It's a punishment. It's abusive and highly damaging to ANY relationship. Stick around, deal with your drinking. Get screened for any other psychological issue.

5. Learn how to empathize.

6. Read books instead of eBay crap you can buy. Read Divorce Remedy, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Hold Me Tight, When Mars and Venus Collide (IMPORTANT FOR EMPATHY, which you are lacking). And anything by Gottman.
These books are your new bible. It isn't up to her to babysit you and fix the whole relationship herself.

7. Go to marital counseling and personal counseling.

But REALLY ANY CHANGE WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT.

Stop trying to run to fix the problem.
IMHO women tend to get louder when men back away. More frustrated etc until they finally just give up and walk. Like a switch flipped,

Try LISTENING to her and not looking for her being "pissed off" with you.

My husband pulls this crap. If I get frustrated about the stove not working (or whatever) he freaks. He takes it personally. He jumps all over it.

If I have "a look on my face" which could be from being TIRED, STRESSED about my school work and any series of unrelated things he's just like "what's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?"

Does your wife seem like a shrinking violet who's afraid to share her feelings? No. Then stop BUGGING her about this or that feeling. Of she wants to SHARE, she'll SHARE.

Go to work, keep a steady job. Be her dependable partner. She will return the favor.

Learn how to budget. Take responsibility for your monthly budget.

If you can't afford "dates" try to make one night a week where you do something date-like, like run her a nice bath, make her a nice supper. Something.

God, do ONE of the above suggestions and it would be a massive improvement.

We had a tense marriage like yours is now. There is nothing more frustrating to a wife than putting in all of the relationship work in for a guy who wants to play victim to OBVIOUS feelings of annoyance. Which obviously anyone would have with the behaviours you are talking about. And trying to run away, jeez.

I haven't had that issue with my husband for over a year and I am still recovering from the crap he pulled doing that.

If you clean up your end, you can talk to her about her end.

But if you sit back waiting for her not to be "pissed off" with your irresponsibility, you are going to be waiting a damn long time. Plus if you want change LEAD IT.

I am looking for help, not judgment. You sound about as lovely as my wife has been acting lately.

First off, my previous relationship ended because of several times she accidentally had sex with my best friend while I was at work. She was suddenly pregnant and I tried to make it work, that ended the night I was fleeing out the door and she sunk her teeth into my shoulder blade, it actually removed a chunk of skin and some flesh. I know I sound like a huge crybaby victim here but all this really happen to me, am i allowed to be upset about stuff like this?

"2. Quit blaming her "stress levels" and being "pissed off."

You are a stressful partner to deal with and it would piss the vast majority of people off."

I do not see how I am a stressfull partner to deal with, I am the most relaxed person you will ever meet. As far as a husband I do bend over backwards for her and try like hell. I try everything I can to make her happy, even just little things.

3. Quit acting like her having an emotion over you irresponsibility is a crisis. The crisis is your irresponsible attitude and treating her complaints like "noise" you have to escape from.

I ordered a stupid rc blimp as an impulse buy, no it was not responsible but i think we will make it considering we both clear over a thousand bucks a week. This is opening a whole new can of worms lady. My wife is going to come home and say the exact same thing, I am irresponsible for ordering a 35 dollar RC blimp I am probably going to fly around in the house and give to my friends little boy. There is a 1964 Galaxy 500 sitting in our driveway she just randomly decided she had to own for 1400 bucks. There is another probably 400 dollars worth of TRIM PIECES for it in the basement. Last time we took a trip to Tuscon she withdrew 500 bucks to go buy some seats she found for it and a new lens for her camera. I really dont care, we can afford it easily but literally the next day she was lecturing me about spending money. So after a display like that, being lectured about spending money is noise I try to escape from.

4. Quit trying to run for these escapist exits. My husband has this pattern as well. It's a threat. It's a punishment. It's abusive and highly damaging to ANY relationship. Stick around, deal with your drinking. Get screened for any other psychological issue.

So you are suggesting I should stick around and communicate with an upset woman about a subject we have argued about already and got nowhere for the sake of repairing our relationship? You need your head checked. I am so tired of our arguments I would do just about anything to avoid them.

6. Read books instead of eBay crap you can buy. Read Divorce Remedy, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Hold Me Tight, When Mars and Venus Collide (IMPORTANT FOR EMPATHY, which you are lacking). And anything by Gottman.

These books are your new bible. It isn't up to her to babysit you and fix the whole relationship herself.

Why would I do that when I can just bitch about everything on the internet and pick and the advice I get.

April 8, 2013

Given the fact that your W is on LS and you just replayed this whole specific event, ate you actually looking for solutions on how to cohesively work with your partner? Or are you just trying to show everyone what a "misrepresenting bitch" [add your own description] she is?

The point of that post is for her to see when she gets home from work and finds all this crap. I was laying in bed trying to get some sleep when I noticed this forum she posted in and it got me a bit upset, I dont know what to do with myself right now so I figured I would join too and tell my side of the story. If she wants honest advice she needs to be honest about everything, we might end up actually getting advice that works.

I did not just LEAVE like she said, I wanted to eat and she was not making it pleasant so I went and ate by myself.

April 8, 2013

Sorry to hear about your ex's disgusting behaviour.

As for your shots at my character. I'm not surprised given your OP.

That type of attitude won't fix anything with any woman anywhere.

Get your head checked because yes, TALKING and EMPATHIZING with am upset woman is the option you have aside from divorcing.

Keep up running and stonewalling and the stats start shoving over to the filing stage. Not my issue: yours and your wife's.

If I sound judgmental, I may be. But I'm also quite familiar with the level of frustration this type if behaviour causes.

If you want to blanket-ignore the advice, do so at your own peril.

I can be the biggest most judgmental bitch in the world.

BUT all of the suggestions I gave you were still universal and not wrong given everything in your OP. your behaviours and her responses are practically TEXTBOOK given the situation.

If you are saying "I don't want to listen to her when she's UPSET." (key word being UPSET and not ABUSIVE) and you are unwilling to change that, of course nothing is going to change.

Even in her OP, she clearly stated that you DO NOT EMOTIONALLY SUPPORT HER.

In your OP you mention DRINKING TO RELAX and pretty much escape the situation. You also mentioned both of you just IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLDS.

If you are escaping the conflict, trying to show how you are "right," refusing to discuss things etc. Then NO you are not "bending over backwards to make your spouse happy." You are abandoning her when she is unhappy.

I'm sure times are great when she isn't upset but honestly, as a woman, how viable abd deep our relationships are is housed in how we are responded to when we f-up. Same as you guys.

If you want her to show you forgiveness, empathy and kindness, than you need to LEAD. not because you are the "man" or whatever you may think I'm saying but because in life, you can't expect ANYONE to meet or exceed what you yourself aren't putting into the relationship.

You may be great on a lot of fronts but in regards to women, 93% of the time the issue could be solved just by LISTENING, EMPATHIZING and not treating your wife like a monster you need to escape from.

This is literally the message you send her when she is upset: YOU ARE A MONSTER. I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU TO SURVIVE.

Marriages don't tend to survive that message.

If she's upset, it is so MUCH EASIER to read how to de-escalate conflict and empathize than to try and ignore or shut-down the problem like it is inconvenient, thereby incubating her hurt and frustration.

I couldn't really, truly, deeply give a crap about whatever the heck is on eBay and what you want/like about it. But she does. For whatever reason. Why not find out why it bugs her? Maybe she'll share something. If she does and you share why it's important, it would give another opportunity to connect.

Or not. Whatever. I just know that my marriage hit a glass ceiling until my husband saw fit to act like he cared about my FEELINGS.

And that's really what it boils down to. She feels isolated and alone and you feel she's "picking on you/judging you."

Sigh, again Gottman and Mars & Venus Collide have excellent insights into this.

But the fact that you both make a grand a week and bounce your rent tells me that she probably wants to be able to talk to you about finances.

She probably wants to plan you guy's life and security so there aren't as many upsets and conflicts. Makes sense to me.

For whatever reason, that's an issue that you feel "accused" about, maybe rightfully.

But again, you can't expect her to commit to your needs more than you are willing to commit to her's.

Don't take this the wrong way, but do you even know WHAT her dreams are?

April 8, 2013

The point of that post is for her to see when she gets home from work and finds all this crap. I was laying in bed trying to get some sleep when I noticed this forum she posted in and it got me a bit upset, I dont know what to do with myself right now so I figured I would join too and tell my side of the story. If she wants honest advice she needs to be honest about everything, we might end up actually getting advice that works.

I did not just LEAVE like she said, I wanted to eat and she was not making it pleasant so I went and ate by myself.

Of course it is unpleasant to find a post on the Internet about your relationship.

But how in the world is that not leaving? Not permanently, no, no one is saying that. But in your posts, you clearly stated that you don't wish to deal with any unpleasantness and that you'll "do anything" to avoid having a conflict with her.

That's causing MORE conflicts.

The advice you "want to hear" isn't going to change that.

Stonewalling and leaving the scene upset to calm yourself down, in a way that does not give your partner ANY freedom to express themselves or at the very LEAST come to know WHEN they can be heard, is the surest, most painful way to shut down a relationship with a wife.

And honestly, those books are great. They aren't just written for women to bash men. I wouldn't have recommended them if they were.

You want less conflict? Right?

Or is it about showing your wife that she's a "selfish liar pants" so it's her fault and you are "right" or at least "not AS blameable."

If it's about vindicating yourself, forget the marriage.

Everyone's hands are dirty in a marriage. No clean hands. We all do things that irk, irritate, bother and frustrate our partners. BUT when it gets to the point of the conflicts you are having, you need to decide which is more important to you, protecting the self-image of being a powerless victim to her moods OR saving the relationship, accepting the periodic conflict on favor of listening and being a leader in the field of YOUR MARRIAGE?

April 8, 2013

Becoming a self sufficient supporting adult is hard work and it sounds to me like you are struggling embracing the responsibility that comes with being a man:
- spending money on stuff you don't need for a "pick me up"
- drinking to relax instead of drinking WITH your wife or friends to be social
- having a fit over a line at a drive through, showboating your anger and almost screwing up your car
- not biting the bullet and having a mature conversation over your concerns but rather coming to the same forum your wife does to "defend your side" (you and your wife are supposed to be on the SAME side).
- complaining that you were told to find a job fast, er, that's what grown ups do: keep the money rolling in so they aren't over grown dependents on in-laws.

I could go on and on but the point is: you and your wife needs to take mutual accountability for the negative things effecting the relationship, apologize and compromise to fix it, NOW. If you can't do that, you guys aren't ready to be married....

Here we go with insults, is anyone going to side with me on this?

I am a self sufficient adult, at one point I had a job people fought tooth and nail for 10 years to get. I am not a burger flipping loser with no direction in his life or nothing in my future. I can easily take care of myself and run a household. Back when I had more time and energy I was working all day and even cooking dinner in the evenings, not every night. I can pay bills, I do pay bills. I fix our cars, I clean the house, I do my own laundry and even go grocery shopping by myself ocassionally.

Maybe I should explain the pickup truck and the parts for it, i will explain my theory on that. Its an old truck I got for free from a family member when the economy hit my wife and I hard. Its served me well, im really attached to it. The truck doubles as my hobby and my main mode of transportation. I could buy a new truck and spend twice the money on a payment if I could even get financing. Either way any adult needs wheels to go to work and both ways cost money, this way just costs less.

Drinking in public and being social has ended in plenty of disaster, i would love to go into the night that led to a visit to the ER. That point is not valid.

I did not have a fit at the drive through, the curb looked like a tapered exit, there was several black marks from people making the same mistake I did, it looked like an exit and it was totally an accident.

It was very immature of me to come on this forum and type all this nonsense, its also a waste of time to try and defend any of this. I am not in a good mood right now, not really acting like myself. It would be nice to know that I am not an insane person and i dont have to be treated like this. It would be nice if my wife and I were on the same side but were not, she brought up divorce and called our marriage a waste of time.

This- complaining that you were told to find a job fast, er, that's what grown ups do: keep the money rolling in so they aren't over grown dependents on in-laws.

I was 3 hours from the town we were moving to in about a week, I was complaining about her attitude towards me and the job prospecting. I can find a job, I told her that. I did find a job, just like I said I was. I picked up a paper and looked in the help wanted section, called them, drove to their office and was hired on the god damn spot just like I had planned. Had I gone for the job a week early I would be sleeping in my pickup for a week.

April 8, 2013

I just cant keep up with your posts, you guys are typing like way too fast for me.

April 8, 2013

Sorry to hear about your ex's disgusting behaviour.

As for your shots at my character. I'm not surprised given your OP.

That type of attitude won't fix anything with any woman anywhere.

Get your head checked because yes, TALKING and EMPATHIZING with am upset woman is the option you have aside from divorcing.

Keep up running and stonewalling and the stats start shoving over to the filing stage. Not my issue: yours and your wife's.

If I sound judgmental, I may be. But I'm also quite familiar with the level of frustration this type if behaviour causes.

If you want to blanket-ignore the advice, do so at your own peril.

I can be the biggest most judgmental bitch in the world.
BUT all of the suggestions I gave you were still universal and not wrong given everything in your OP. your behaviours and her responses are practically TEXTBOOK given the situation.

If you are saying "I don't want to listen to her when she's UPSET." (key word being UPSET and not ABUSIVE) and you are unwilling to change that, of course nothing is going to change.

Even in her OP, she clearly stated that you DO NOT EMOTIONALLY SUPPORT HER.

In your OP you mention DRINKING TO RELAX and pretty much escape the situation. You also mentioned both of you just IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLDS.

If you are escaping the conflict, trying to show how you are "right," refusing to discuss things etc. Then NO you are not "bending over backwards to make your spouse happy." You are abandoning her when she is unhappy.

I'm sure times are great when she isn't upset but honestly, as a woman, how viable abd deep our relationships are is housed in how we are responded to when we f-up. Same as you guys.

If you want her to show you forgiveness, empathy and kindness, than you need to LEAD. not because you are the "man" or whatever you may think I'm saying but because in life, you can't expect ANYONE to meet or exceed what you yourself aren't putting into the relationship.

You may be great on a lot of fronts but in regards to women, 93% of the time the issue could be solved just by LISTENING, EMPATHIZING and not treating your wife like a monster you need to escape from.

This is literally the message you send her when she is upset: YOU ARE A MONSTER. I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU TO SURVIVE.

Marriages don't tend to survive that message.

If she's upset, it is so MUCH EASIER to read how to de-escalate conflict and empathize than to try and ignore or shut-down the problem like it is inconvenient, thereby incubating her hurt and frustration.

I couldn't really, truly, deeply give a crap about whatever the heck is on eBay and what you want/like about it. But she does. For whatever reason. Why not find out why it bugs her? Maybe she'll share something. If she does and you share why it's important, it would give another opportunity to connect.

Or not. Whatever. I just know that my marriage hit a glass ceiling until my husband saw fit to act like he cared about my FEELINGS.

And that's really what it boils down to. She feels isolated and alone and you feel she's "picking on you/judging you."

Sigh, again Gottman and Mars & Venus Collide have excellent insights into this.

But the fact that you both make a grand a week and bounce your rent tells me that she probably wants to be able to talk to you about finances.

She probably wants to plan you guy's life and security so there aren't as many upsets and conflicts. Makes sense to me.

For whatever reason, that's an issue that you feel "accused" about, maybe rightfully.

But again, you can't expect her to commit to your needs more than you are willing to commit to her's.

Don't take this the wrong way, but do you even know WHAT her dreams are?

My head is starting to hurt, only thing I will respond to in that is that the rent check bounced with enough money in the bank to cover it twice, what happen was the check took 5 days to clear for some reason. I made a mistake when i forgot about that and it just barely cleared the afternoon it bounced.

But thank you, that post made everything clear. I now have a direction to go in thanks to you, we are going to sit and talk this over like civilized people because thats always worked in the past, this time its getting resolved. By the way, do my feelings matter here or is it just the wifes feelings? I sorta feel wronged in many ways.

April 8, 2013

I just cant keep up with your posts, you guys are typing like way too fast for me.

Yeah, some of us do that....

Okay, the "side thing." yes you and your wife are supposed to be on the sane side.

If you want empathy about how frustrating a marriage can be, especially when your communicating skill set isn't super-great, you've got it.

I empathize completely.

As for your wife's OP. It ain't bitching. It ain't about making you feel like **** or trying to get back at you and call the marriage names etc.

If you read it, and pretend it's a stranger: you see exasperation.

She's exasperated. She feels alone to the point where she's on here looking for support.

If that's what you are going through too, I don't blame you.

However, you're presenting like: hey, my wife's a pain in the ass, how do I get away from this and get her to turn the volume down?

That's a different ballgame entirely.

April 8, 2013

My head is starting to hurt.
But thank you, that post made everything clear. I now have a direction to go in thanks to you, we are going to sit and talk this over like civilized people because thats always worked in the past, this time its getting resolved. By the way, do my feelings matter here or is it just the wifes feelings? I sorta feel wronged in many ways.

The headache is the cortisol most likely.

In one of those books of evil () I recommended it talks about men and the emotional/cortisol link. Truth be told. Men get more easily overwhelmed by raw emotion and it actually affects them physiologically much sooner to the point where they need to calm down.

What happens in a marriage where you start to view your spouse as a trigger is you start to pre-emotively protect yourself from the rush of cortisol that comes from being emotionally overstressed.

If that happens, be VERY clear with your wife, BEFORE you tip over into Cortisol-Land that you are NOT ABANDONING the conversation but that it may take awhile because you need HALF AN HOUR to DESTRESS from feeling anxiety about the conflict possibly escalating.

Assure her that you will pick up in HALF AN HOUR and then do so.

The first few times may be disastrous until you show that you DO come back to continue the discussion and actually CARE about HOW SHE FEELS and her perspective.

OF COURSE your feelings matter. Just as much. BUT very few people are going to resound to "righteous indignation" as opposed to feeling words like "overwhelmed, sad, frustrated."

Listing 16 reasons why your wife is a pain in the butt often causes people to say "and what's in the mirror when you look in it?"

You'll find the same pattern all over the forum, except with some of the mysoginists/misandrists.

April 8, 2013

Yeah, some of us do that....

Okay, the "side thing." yes you and your wife are supposed to be on the sane side.

If you want empathy about how frustrating a marriage can be, especially when your communicating skill set isn't super-great, you've got it.

I empathize completely.

As for your wife's OP. It ain't bitching. It ain't about making you feel like **** or trying to get back at you and call the marriage names etc.

If you read it, and pretend it's a stranger: you see exasperation.

She's exasperated. She feels alone to the point where she's on here looking for support.

If that's what you are going through too, I don't blame you.

However, you're presenting like: hey, my wife's a pain in the ass, how do I get away from this and get her to turn the volume down?

That's a different ballgame entirely.

Yes, I noticed your post asking if I had an overbearing mother. I thought I would mention that I have not seen my parents in about 9 months, last time I talked to my mom on the phone was about 2 weeks ago, there was nothing toxic about my childhood. I had a great childhood, pretty normal. My parents have been married for over 30 years i am pretty sure, never saw them fight once. Just thought I would clear that up.

Her thread is titled "I feel like I am wasting my time" or something like that. That is pretty insulting to read, the tone of the rest of the post is what really got me. Specifically the part about her trying to "discuss finances" and how I got mad and left. No no no, it was an arguement that leads to nothing, nothing will be solved by talking about it when she is angry. Nothing about our conversations were nice, I just wanted a god damn cheese burger. She literally said "I dont give a f-ck what you want but I want arby's". Does that sound like someone trying to discuss finances like a grown up? Would that not piss you off and make you want to eat by yourself? How should I have handled that? I did not get mad and storm off, I went back for food by myself and came back later.

April 8, 2013

Okay.

Honestly, I wasn't there.

Given what you said, and the way I am, I might've tried to talk it out. BUT I also know with my partner he needs space, so I'd prob sit upstairs and do something else (read, study, housework) until we could conceivably talk about it.

If I was going out or what have you, especially when things are tense, I would say, "Honey, I know you want to talk shop about $. I know we were just out, but I'm going to go grab a burger and when I get back, we'll go over it, sound good?"

But that's just how I operate, generally. When I'm optimum.

I actually developed a sense of when I should and shouldn't broach issues with my husband. I figure out if I'm moody by thinking of my dog. (Hear me out) I think of my dog getting into something or wrecking my bedsheets or what have you, and if I would yell at the dog, I don't go talking to my husband about whet is pissing me off. Not until I'm emotionally prepared to deal with a "dog mess" do I try to deal with a "human mess."

Today, I'll be honest, I'm so frustrated with my husband that I might boot my dog in the ass if she got in the garbage. So right now, today is not the time I broach the argument.

Arguments happen when people get spiked. You've been married long enough to know what spikes you and have a pretty good idea of what spikes your wife.

Take a deep breath. Take a few. Take a break. Slow down the pace of the conversation because if your heart rates goes higher than 100 bpm, you can't even HEAR what the other person is saying.

But, let your partner know that you need the break and when you'll be back from it. It'll take a few shots at it. But as long as you are able to hash some things out, it'll show that it is legitimately a break and that you are doing it to be able to HEAR her.

You LEAD, she'll start to respond.

Give it a few weeks for her to note the actual changes.

At first the change may make her uneasy or even spike her further (just because it's change). But then it should start smoothing out.

April 8, 2013

By the way, I'm not telling you to eat a crap sandwich and tell her how great it tastes.

If she's WAY WAY out of line, you do need to excuse yourself from the conversation. But not by "you're not acting like a grownup and I don't have to take this crap. You do x, y, and z too!"

We ALL do x, y, and z.

Usually the things we resent in our partners are the traits we feel ashamed of in ourselves.

Firing back only leads to a war.

The point is to think long-term.

What is going to get us to point X? Where the problem is solved?

Chances are if she's full-on dissing you, she's spiked already herself.

You know that the conversation is non-viable at the point and that you need a break until it's viable again.

But do yourself a favor and don't be a jerk about her being upset. BEING UPSET IS OKAY, it's what we do with it that counts.

April 9, 2013

You both sound a lot a like. So much so that you don't balance each other out.

Maybe your both wonderful, hardworking, somewhat irresponsible people. Fine. But you need different partners, this team isn't working.

April 9, 2013

I read your entire post OP and I have to say I'm sorry you are going through this.

My simple response is this: If your wife is done, then let her go. Help her pack her bags and help her out the door. Give her the freedom she is desiring and let reality slap her in the face on the way out. Life is just too short to spend your life fighting or killing yourself to keep a marriage like this together.

Please take into consideration that I'm post divorce now and FINALLY feeling good about my situation. It took me YEARS to get to the place I'm in now, so keep that in mind when reading my response.

SuperGeek

April 9, 2013

Give me your yard maintenance schedule! The next time your out cutting the grass, trimming the hedges?

I'll jump the curb with my Larry the Cable Guy, 4x4 Monstor truck and take you out of your misery! :eek: :eek:

I'd do it for you Buddy! I know YOU would do it for ME!!

SERIOUSLY?

What the two of you are fighting about? ISN'T WHAT YOUR FIGHTING ABOUT!!!!

The two of you are fighting about any and every issue BUT what your actually are fighting about?

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo, What are the two of you REALLY fighting about? Inquiring minds REALLY want to know?

April 9, 2013

Give me your yard maintenance schedule! The next time your out cutting the grass, trimming the hedges?

I'll jump the curb with my Larry the Cable Guy, 4x4 Monster truck and take you out of your misery! :eek: :eek:

I'd do it for you Buddy! I know YOU would do it for ME!!

SERIOUSLY?

What the two of you are fighting about? ISN'T WHAT YOUR FIGHTING ABOUT!!!!

The two of you are fighting about any and every issue BUT what your actually are fighting about?

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo, What are the two of you REALLY fighting about? Inquiring minds REALLY want to know?

"What we have here? Is a failure to communicate!"

Your communicating via "male speak" and your listening and filtering what she's saying through "male speak" but she's communicating through and via "female speak"

If you were so inclined you could learn more by simply taking a college level class on Speech, and learning the difference between the words "imply" and "infer" There's a small World of difference ~ but the difference is HUGH! Its one of those thing where a little is a lot?

Your hearing what she's saying but your not hearing what she's saying? *(Ha! Wrap your head around that one the next time you slugging back a couple of brew-skies! )

AS actual estimates vary, women typically use about twice or more (depending upon the individual woman ~ than your typical man, (again depending upon the individual man!)

For further study, I would recommend that you might want to 'scope' out "GenderSpeak" and "You JUST Don't Understand!"

Women in general use "in-direct" speech while men tend to use "direct" speech ("Say what you mean and mean what you say!") She in her own way is telling you everything that you need to know to satisfy, pacify, appease her, love her, make her feel love, wanted, needed, desired, etc.

Your just not attuned to receiving the message because you filtering the message through you deluxe male brain housing group!

Your not getting any lateral horizontal time because your wanting sex ~ while she's wanting love. Reconcile the differnce between the two? And you'll get all of the sex you want. The short answer to that is? You want sex?

1. You've got to get it the old fashion way ~ you've got to WORK for it! It doesn't come that easy!

2. You've gotten complacent in your relationship! What it took to get her is what it takes to keep her!

3. Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy with peace of mind and contentment?

4. If a woman is worried about money and fiances? Go ahead and buy some stock in Johnson & Johnson, not only will you get dividends and hopefully a decent ROI (Return On Investment)! But each time you buy some baby oil, hand lotion for yourself and Rosie Palm and her Five Sisters, you'll know that your making a wise investment for your retiremenet!

5. When it comes to sex? You as man are thinking?

Alone time? Check!

T&A? Check

Naked woman's body? Check!

Women? They worry about any and everything?

Dishes washed? Check!

Dished dried and put away? Check!

Laundry done? Check!

Laundy folded? Check!

Laundry put away? Check!

Dishes clean? Check!

Dishwasher empty? Check

Checkbook balanced? Check!

_______________ card bought and sent?

Bills mailed on time? Check!

Rent paid? Check!

Lightbilll paid? Check!

Gas bill paid? Check!

The list is endless! Unless you and you alone ~ yourself make sure that any and all of the items on her list or taking care of? You might as well be a necrophilliac! Because even while you think your some kind of Super Star X10 male porn star? She's going to be thinking about all of the above, and "I could/should be doing other things, this that and the other? Of which sex is going to be at the bottom of the list!

April 10, 2013

Sadly I think most marriages would fall into this category.

If they had dated for a decade, this marriage would have never happened.

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