Gave up my apartment for my gf and now feel stupid

[SalientPoint]

So first off I just wanted to say that this community is amazing. I'd posted on some other different sites in the past and encountered a lot of homophobic responses, so initially in my first post ever, to be short and sweet, I called my gf my bf because I wanted advice without having to deal with drama. But now that the problem has evolved and the people here seem I understanding, I can tell the truth.

 

Basically we've been together a year, it's our anniversary on Thursday, and half of it has been long distance, and 4-5 months of it we lived together because she was a freelancer. Initially she was having some problems deciding on how we would bridge the distance and committing to a plan for us to be together, but she took some time to think about it, and she's the kind of person, usually, that when she makes a decision she truly sticks with it and becomes very committed. So after time to think it over, she came back to me with a very detailed, and rational plan for me to move where she was and live together. Things were going well I thought until I gave notice on my apartment (this was part of the plan) and then she started acting weird and distant, and everything basically fell apart. She went between saying she still wanted me to move and for us to live together, telling all of her friends that I was moving and how excited she was (I talked to some of them so I know this is true) then to saying that she wanted me to move and live there just not in her apartment with her. The last time she talked we were on the verge of breaking up because she really wasn't ready for me to live in her apartment with her (which I wish she'd told me before I gave up my fabulous apartment and moved back home), and she had to go out of town for the weekend to visit a friend during which I didn't hear from her. Then last night she texted me all weird and disjointedly and didn't mention anything, and I kind of just ignored it, even though I feel angry and devastated that I gave up my apartment and then she seemed to change her mind.

 

My question is, seeing as she is the type to actually benefit from time and space, do I give her a few more days, or just lay it all down on the line the next time she tries to contact me? Normally I wouldn't even ask this, but as she is the type to respond well to space and time to think things over, I think if I gave her a couple of days there might actually still be hope, but I'm also a huge fan of NC if it is indeed over, and I can tell this is going to be a very difficult break up if this is indeed the end, so I don't know, and would like to speed up the healing process if that's the case. She has total counter-dependency (it's the opposite of being a co-dependent where you have trouble being very intimate with people and push them away) but prior to this she was very affectionate and responsive. Either way I'm out my apartment now, so at least that's no longer an issue

[Els]

I think you should tell her exactly what her flakiness cost you, and observe her response very carefully.

 

In the future, it would be a wise idea to not give up your apartment for someone whom you have been together with for a year. Some people do move in before that, but those people tend to not be losing anything from the move. But I suspect you have learnt that already. Sorry about your apartment.

[KatZee]

I personally wouldn't move to her area. I know you just gave up your apartment, but start looking for a new one right where you are. She's super flaky, and clearly there were feelings of doubt before you went and gave up your apartment. That doesn't just happen overnight. She knew what all of this cost you and she pulled the rug right out from under you. Kind of crappy in my opinion and I don't think I'd trust her not to pull something like this again. Don't give up your life for someone else, ever.

[Chi townD]

I totally agree with the above statement from Elswyth. It wasn't only about your relationship, she screwed up your living arraignments which is totally uncool. Not that it would matter to her, but at least you'll planet a seed on how much of a douche bag of a move that was.

[Art_Critic]

I agree with Elswyth as well and will throw in a few questions of my own..

You can never truly know what is going on in someone's mind so gauging their reactions or actions to questions can be most helpful.

 

Do you think she might have met someone else ? Since you have lived together before then she should not feel as if it was that big of a leap.

 

You mention breaking up.. so this must be pretty huge then for her.. has she mentioned breaking up to you or this is the end ?

[SalientPoint]

I think you should tell her exactly what her flakiness cost you, and observe her response very carefully.

 

In the future, it would be a wise idea to not give up your apartment for someone whom you have been together with for a year. Some people do move in before that, but those people tend to not be losing anything from the move. But I suspect you have learnt that already. Sorry about your apartment.

 

 

 

Too true, and thank you. Honestly, there were a few other factors about why I gave up the apartment now, as I had wanted to wait, but she highly encouraged it and she knows she had a lot to do with the decision. I'm moving about 3 hours away from where I was living for a 6-week leave of absence to take care of my Dad, and I was also trying to save money for the move. I thought I could work something out with my roommate, like a sub-let situation, but he took that opportunity to say he wanted to move as well to another state, so I didn't feel I had enough time to take over the lease and find a new roommate, etc. All this time she hadn't done anything to stop me and if she had, I probably would have tried to work something out with the landlords or hold on to it. However, you're right, in hindsight I should have waited.

[SalientPoint]

I agree with Elswyth as well and will throw in a few questions of my own..

You can never truly know what is going on in someone's mind so gauging their reactions or actions to questions can be most helpful.

 

Do you think she might have met someone else ? Since you have lived together before then she should not feel as if it was that big of a leap.

 

You mention breaking up.. so this must be pretty huge then for her.. has she mentioned breaking up to you or this is the end ?

 

 

I've considered that maybe she had met someone else, but I truly feel that she does love me, and it's more the fact she is unable or unwilling to work on her counter-dependency issues which is causing this to occur. Neither of us really wants to break up, she says she still wants me to move, just not live with her, but I don't really see a good alternative, since I would be the one having to give up everything to move, and I feel like if she's not even ready for us to live together then it's not worth giving up any more than I already have, though our relationship was very good in most other important areas.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm not totally clear on the details -- How far away from your current place would you be moving in order to be with her? What would your job situation be?

 

To me it sounds like she's freaking out about the idea of living together but has no clue how to back out of things in a graceful or respectful way... so for now is just avoiding the whole thing entirely. She obviously can't keep playing that game, though. You deserve some answers.

 

My question for you is, if you get a true sense that she's "for real" in wanting to stick with the relationship, and wanting you to be in her town/city, could you deal with the prospect of moving there but not moving IN with her? Because it seems like this lady's going to need a more gradual process. Maybe that would be better for both of you?

 

Don't get me wrong, though -- I'm not condoning the way she's handling this. It's unfair to you.

[SalientPoint]

I'm not totally clear on the details -- How far away from your current place would you be moving in order to be with her? What would your job situation be?

 

To me it sounds like she's freaking out about the idea of living together but has no clue how to back out of things in a graceful or respectful way... so for now is just avoiding the whole thing entirely. She obviously can't keep playing that game, though. You deserve some answers.

 

My question for you is, if you get a true sense that she's "for real" in wanting to stick with the relationship, and wanting you to be in her town/city, could you deal with the prospect of moving there but not moving IN with her? Because it seems like this lady's going to need a more gradual process. Maybe that would be better for both of you?

 

Don't get me wrong, though -- I'm not condoning the way she's handling this. It's unfair to you.

 

 

Yes, therein lies the problem, she is totally freaking out about living together and the level of initial responsibility she would have due to the move. It's to a foreign country, although I have family there and know people there and have been there before, so initially I would be dependent on her, but I'm a very independent person, and she knows that within a month or two I would no longer be reliant on her, but I don't think she can handle it. Before me moving there was seriously discussed, she took a week to really think about it, where we had very limited contact, and then when she had enough time she initially came back super into the idea and for the last month and a half was very supportive and enthused about it. However, now that it's becoming a reality she's trying to back out at mad speed and I think just generally trying to get me to break up with her by being distant and ignoring me, however a part of me wants to not take the bait and believe that the adult mature side of her will re-appear, but right now it's not looking good. During the entire time we've been together except for now, she's been exceptionally loyal and great about committing to important things that she said she would, so this is all kind of shocking and difficult for me.

[Standard-Fare]

I think maybe give her a day or two more to indulge in this little immature freakout, but at some point be like, "Look, you know we need to talk" and prod some real answers out of her.

 

If she's in any way a decent or respectful person, she will know she needs to do that. If she DOESN'T give you that respect, then she's not worth your time to begin with. That would be insanely rude, unfair, and childish.

 

If you're willing to talk about moving there but not moving right in with her, you should make that clear. To me that seems like it's going to be the best option for you guys to be in the same city and help this relationship grow.

 

But if you honestly feel like you'd only be able to move there if you could move into her place, you might have to give up on that, unfortunately. It sounds like it would be a disaster to force that at this point.