dumped via email after 6 yrs, now guy complaints to my friend I'm being rudec

[Alsuna]

NEED TO VENT

 

I did today something I'm really not proud of. We were sitting in the computer lab with one of my friends. My ex, who broke up with me after 6 years via email 3 month ago, sent an obvious sex message to this friend, which I saw by accident. She showed it to me when I asked, and she said they are writing every now and then. She is hot, and gets these kind of messages very often. However I got pretty upset, I think after a break up the close friends of the ex are totally no go. No matter how horny a person is, I would never do that.

 

I was disappointed in the friend, that she obviously answered to these messages. And mad at the ex, being so pathetic. But most of all mad at me that I dated someone like that for 6 years. (Also turned out he was messaging other women while we were together)

 

Now the part I'm not proud of: I came to study in my current country last September, when everything was still allright with my ex, so most of my stuff is still at our(now his) place. Because I was so mad and disappointed, I wrote an email to him half an hour after the sex message, that I will travel home in May, and I will pick up my stuff at a given time, asked him to make it available for me to access the flat, and that we have to talk about the money he owes me, and his phone contract, thats on my name, which I would like to terminate, for obvious reasons. The letter was as official as it could be, and also wrote him, he can object if he doesnt agree with any of the points. I didnt ask him anything, didnt insult him, didnt tell him anything about my current things.

 

Immediately after receiving my email, he messages again my friend still sitting next to me to ask her, if I was mad at him, because I just wrote him a rude email.

 

Now thats where I got f****g angry. A day after he visited me for Christmas and traveleld back home he breaks up with me in email, because he didn't have the guts to do it in person. He does it the 'smooth' way by telling me, that his boots are more important to him, than the girl he is with. And he didn't loved me in the past 2 years anymore(he loved me enough to ask me to pay his rent every now and then, pay for our food and take him on holidays). Now after 3 month NC I send him a formal email to settle our remaining issues, and he is telling my friend, that I'm rude, so in his opinion the *sshole here.

 

I'm mad at myself, because I slipped, I shouldn't have sent the email out of anger. On the otherhand, I would of sent the same exact email sooner or later. So nothing really bad happened. I'm just so mad I dated this mother****er, and didn't take all the red flags serious.

 

3 month into BU and total NC, I'm in the anger phase for 1,5 month now, and cant seem to get out of it. I just want to get over him, and feel completely indifferent to him. I'm really scared that when I go to pick up my things I will tell him my honest opinion about him, which for sure will contain selected curses. He doesn't even deserve that much of my attention.

[Alsuna]

and now he is telling to my friends, that he is "so happy that i finally pick my **** up". Almost 40 year old mature man .... gooood, why the hell did I date him for 6 years?!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this! You deserve so much more! And until the last post I thought he was around 25 years old, not 40! I also think you did nothing to be ashamed of/to not be proud of, on the contrary, you've handled everything very maturely!

 

What I wanted to suggest is that you think about asking someone else to take care of everything that remains to be taken care of with him. Perhaps give someone "power of attorney" (something on a piece of paper - I'm not sure how it's done in Finland) so he or she can deal with him instead of you. That way you won't have to deal with him. Or if you'll go to his place, take someone with you (a brother, if you have him, or someone else).

 

I can't believe how horribly he has behaved and is still behaving.

 

Best wishes

[Alsuna]

Thank you for your kind words. Always good to hear an opinion from someone who is not involved.

 

I never planned to go there and pick up my belongings by myself. My mom and her husband are coming with me, so we can do it as quickly as possible. Although I'm worried that mom will slap him around a bit, if he starts to be cocky(and she doesn't even know half of his stories). I'm thinking of asking a friend over, who is good friends with him and me too. This way there is a slight chance, that none of us will embarrass his/herself with something stupid and thoughtlessly said or done.

 

I just want to get over this as fast as possible, and erase every trace of him from my life. This way I can start to process why I let this happen to me.

[Damsel in Distress]

His boots are more important to him than you!? WTF! And now he's chatting up your friends? No wonder you want to erase this man from your life!!

 

It really doesn't sound to me that your email was angry. It does sound like you sent it impulsively, but I think it was more about you reacting to his behavior by feeling empowered to cut all ties with him. Kind of like, "I see the kind of person you are, I'm totally disgusted, and I am cutting any remaining ties." And that's a good thing!

 

I think getting your things from his apartment and moving home will really help in getting past this anger stage... and eventually to a point where you no longer care. Stay strong and I hope it goes smoothly getting your stuff. I'm glad you are taking you mom and her boyfriend. Have you scheduled a time to do that?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Glad to hear from you again!

 

Thank you for your kind words. Always good to hear an opinion from someone who is not involved.

 

Thnx, it's nice to hear this, and I'm glad we can help. I would have been even harsher towards him, but I think it wasn't necessary:)

 

I never planned to go there and pick up my belongings by myself. My mom and her husband are coming with me, so we can do it as quickly as possible. Although I'm worried that mom will slap him around a bit, if he starts to be cocky(and she doesn't even know half of his stories).

 

Well, I hope your mom will understand that if she does anything like this, it will be worse for you, because it will give his defense mechanisms more material to keep you involved in his life, to keep talking about you etc. If you think your mom might be too fiery:), it might be better if she doesn't come, and maybe just her husband.

 

I'm thinking of asking a friend over, who is good friends with him and me too. This way there is a slight chance, that none of us will embarrass his/herself with something stupid and thoughtlessly said or done.

 

If you trust this common friend, then it would be great if he came!

 

I just want to get over this as fast as possible, and erase every trace of him from my life. This way I can start to process why I let this happen to me.

 

Great to hear this! I'm glad you're going to invest time in finding out why you let this go so far, and I wish you all the best.

 

If I may ask, have you had similar experience with previous boyfriends? Was your relationship or your behaviour/unhealthy tolerance towards this ex similar to relationships in your family (perhaps your mom and your dad, or you and your parents/siblings)? I'm asking because after my breakup, when I was asking myself why did I let it go so far, a book (Toxic Parents - Susan Forward - available online in PDF) and individual counselling both helped me understand that I had unhealthy boundaries/tolerance with my ex gf that were similar to my relationship with my parents...

 

Have you considered counselling?

 

She showed it to me when I asked, and she said they are writing every now and the

 

You wrote that in one of the previous posts. I'm not sure what was she replying to him, but I'm not sure how great of a friend she is if she was talking to him about such stuff and didn't tell you until you discovered it... Maybe it'd be worth thinking, when you'll be going no contact with him, about who of your friends are really friends worth remaining in touch with...

 

(Also turned out he was messaging other women while we were together)

 

I don't mean to be too pessimistic, but unfortunately I've learned to be careful when dealing with people:)

 

Are you certain that he never did anything more than just message other women while you were together? Maybe it would be better to go check yourself for STDs just in case. I did this, because I couldn't trust my ex when I asked her how many times and how she cheated on me. The only way for me to be certain that I didn't get anything from her was to go get tested...

 

Best of luck and hope to hear from you soon!

[Alsuna]

Great to get so much support and feedback! Thank you guys, I'm really having a tough week because of studies, and then this happens, when I should be focusing on my thesis. But venting here, and knowing that somebody listens really help.

 

My mom is mom. Strong personality, she wants everything her own way. Toxic Parents helped me a lot to understand her. My relationship to my parents was terrible. Even they gave financial safety, there was nothing much more positive coming from their side. I understand what their behavior caused in my life. I accept it, and forgive them, and just go on with my life.

 

About the friend ... To make the situation even more complicated with the text messages. The girl my ex was texting to, was married to my ex's best friend, and their divorce story is more or less identical to ours. Their marriage ended about 4 years ago, but she is still in therapy and having major self-confidence issues. I know she loves to get all the attention, and its good for her self-confidence to receive these messages. And answering every now and then keeps the messages coming in. I could judge her for that, but why should I, she is in a terrible place right now, and if that's what makes her feel better, why not.

 

STD - I didn't get any for sure, first of all, we didn't have sex much(0.5 times - yearly average). Second he has so major self confidence issues, because of the size of his penis, he wouldn't dare to expose it to other women. Hence the over macho attitude online and in real life too. I love sex, and he made me believe that Im the sick one for having urges, and not being patient with him.

 

I don't want to go too deep in this, but he was acting cool on the outside, he was talkative and funny. Everybody thinks he is the funniest and coolest guy ever. Someone to fall in love with, really. But then it turns out, that he has major issues, and crying on my shoulder (literally) about it. Only a few know his true side. Not even his brothers or parents know about his alcohol problem for example. He is telling everyone he quit drinking, which he didn't.

 

But all that doesn't matter, I'm in a better place now, I'm focusing on my life, and trying to improve it. I try to let go of anger towards people. After all they have to deal with their own conscience before falling asleep.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Even though there were a lot of sad things to read in your last post, I was still glad to have read it because there were so many great things about how you're dealing with all this, how strong you are and all the signs of how much happier you will be in the future!

 

Btw, before I forget, good luck with the thesis! When will you be submitting/defending it?

 

About STDs, size of penis - I would still advise you to go check. You never know if he might have gone to visit a prostitute etc. I don't want to scare you unnecessarily, but after you do it, you'll be 100% certain and then you can really move on. Well, it least that was my experience. I couldn't trust her completely so after we broke up I went to get tested.

 

About friends - I've learnt that it was better for me to stop talking to common friends, or that I explicitly told them that I don't want them to mention her at any time when I'm around. But people are different and if you're not bothered by it, great!

 

Anyway, since you didn't have any questions, I'll stop now, but whenever you'll feel like venting again and talking to someone, even if just for us to say that you're right etc., we'll be here!

 

Best wishes for you, the thesis & everything else!

[soccerrprp]

An email after 6 years! Dang, I just don't get some people.