urswtpeachz514 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I’ve been dating this one guy for about 5 weeks. I'm 24 and he's 25. We only see each other on the weekends because he lives an hour away and we are both very busy during the week. We act like we are in a relationship when we are together. We have slept together (and it's really good!), but he recently said he wanted to take this slow (or take a step back). We talk everyday and tell each other what’s going on in our daily lives, but I’m not sure what he means by taking it slow. He said the reason he said that was because he has hurt girls in the past. The ones who get really attached too soon, and it doesn’t work out, he feels bad for letting them go or hurting their feelings. Therefore, if this long-distance relationship doesn’t work, he’s worried about hurting me. He tells me he’s not saying no to this, and that he likes me and misses me during the week, and that he thinks the world of me…then he says the reason he took a step back was because he wasn’t sure exactly what he wants and he’s trying to figure that out. What is going on? Thoughts? Does he want to be with me or eventually be with me, or is he stringing me along?
TigerCub Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I’ve been dating this one guy for about 5 weeks. I'm 24 and he's 25. We only see each other on the weekends because he lives an hour away and we are both very busy during the week. We act like we are in a relationship when we are together. We have slept together (and it's really good!), but he recently said he wanted to take this slow (or take a step back). We talk everyday and tell each other what’s going on in our daily lives, but I’m not sure what he means by taking it slow. He said the reason he said that was because he has hurt girls in the past. The ones who get really attached too soon, and it doesn’t work out, he feels bad for letting them go or hurting their feelings. Therefore, if this long-distance relationship doesn’t work, he’s worried about hurting me. He tells me he’s not saying no to this, and that he likes me and misses me during the week, and that he thinks the world of me…then he says the reason he took a step back was because he wasn’t sure exactly what he wants and he’s trying to figure that out. What is going on? Thoughts? Does he want to be with me or eventually be with me, or is he stringing me along? The stuff in bold give me the impression that yeah he thinks you're nice and all but he's not sure about you - since he slept with you already he's afraid you're going to get attached to him but he doesn't know what he really wants so therefore, he wants to "slow things down" - really saying don't expect much from him, because if you do you will get hurt. 1
outsidethebox Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Did he give any indication how taking a step back will manifest itself? Not doing something you are doing or possibly not doing something you were going to do (which is actually not taking a next step)?
clia Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 We talk everyday and tell each other what’s going on in our daily lives, but I’m not sure what he means by taking it slow. It means he wants to keep having sex with you, but he does not want a committed, exclusive relationship with you. He said the reason he said that was because he has hurt girls in the past. Listen to him. He is warning you that he is going to hurt you. He tells me he’s not saying no to this, and that he likes me and misses me during the week, and that he thinks the world of me…then he says the reason he took a step back was because he wasn’t sure exactly what he wants and he’s trying to figure that out. What is going on? He wants to keep having sex with you. That's what is going on. Thoughts? Does he want to be with me or eventually be with me, or is he stringing me along? He isn't stringing you along -- he's being very up front with you. He's now told you that he does not want a committed, exclusive relationship. It's up to you to decide how to handle it. I think if you want to keep seeing him, go for it, but you should definitely stop having sex with him, unless you can do that without getting emotionally invested.
Author urswtpeachz514 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I had invited him to deer camp with some of my family, and I think that was what pushed him back. I might have seemed too attached too soon, but I just figured it would be a fun thing to do. However, he's already met my cousin and my brother. I went to see him yesterday, and it was a really nice day. We went shopping, stopped by his grandparents house (who I had never met), went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, watched our favorited tv show together, and then other things. We had a talk...he said he missed me and he was sorry for wanting to take a step back and he didn't want me to think taking a step back meant spend less time together or do our own thing. He just must have meant not jump into the whole family get togethers or events right now bc it seems to fast.
Giraffe1 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 To me it's a toss up at this point he can either be keeping you around because he genuinely likes you or he's keeping you around as an option. Only time and his actions will tell you which one it is. 1
TigerCub Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I had invited him to deer camp with some of my family, and I think that was what pushed him back. I might have seemed too attached too soon, but I just figured it would be a fun thing to do. However, he's already met my cousin and my brother. I went to see him yesterday, and it was a really nice day. We went shopping, stopped by his grandparents house (who I had never met), went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, watched our favorited tv show together, and then other things. We had a talk...he said he missed me and he was sorry for wanting to take a step back and he didn't want me to think taking a step back meant spend less time together or do our own thing. He just must have meant not jump into the whole family get togethers or events right now bc it seems to fast. Well if you got your answer from him yesterday and you seem convinced, why ask the question today? Unless you're really not convinced with what he told you yesterday.. 1
curlygirl40 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Sometimes when people (men and women) start to feel like things are moving too fast they get scared and want to take a step back. It doesn't necessarily mean that his interest is waning or that he's using you or anything else like that. Sometimes people just need time to figure out what they want. If you give him that space, then he can make that decision on his own without feeling pressured from you. If he takes his space and you try to fill it with chatter, then he's just going to feel pressured and it will probably make him want to take a step further back. It's early. Time will tell. Maybe he does just want to keep you around as a FWB and he's trying to plant those seeds. Or maybe he really likes you and he's scared that it's moving too fast. Only time will tell which it is. Give him his space, slow it down a little and keep your eyes wide open. Best of luck 1
Treasa Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Gee, those are all good signs... You know how drinking games work, right? When something is mentioned, you take a drink? Imagine this is like a drinking game. Instead of drinking when he says something, you perform an action when he says something. For example, anytime he or any other guy says, "I need space," you forget he exists. When any guy says he wants to slow things down, you stop calling him, and it wouldn't hurt to stop taking a lot of his calls, too. When a guy says he's HURT GIRLS IN THE PAST, you get the **** out of there as fast as possible.
Quiet Storm Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) He knows you aren't "the one", but likes spending time with you. You make a good companion and sex partner, and he cares about you enough to warn you about the pain he tends to cause women. However, he does not picture himself falling in love with you. He does not want to feel responsible for your feelings, and "I don't want to hurt you" is his disclaimer. Kind of like "I will treat you like a girlfriend. I will be affectionate and sexual with you. But don't get attached to my affection, and don't get emotional about it. My attention is only temporary, until I find "the one" or until this gets boring". I wouldn't invest too much time and emotion on him. Edited April 8, 2013 by Quiet Storm 1
WhoreyBull Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) Generally a hallmark of a lasting relationship is not to think about the end at the beginning. Considering the whole meeting the family thing I guess it's understandable he is feeling a bit overwhelmed... but I'd just plan on having fun with this guy. If he can't communicate something as simple as being uncomfortable meeting family so quickly, then I foresee many lapses in understanding between the two of you. Plus I mean, he admitted he has a tendency of hurting girls who get "attached too soon"... meanwhile you guys are talking a lot and meeting family... Getting "attached"... and this is happening "too soon" for him.... So you might be one who gets "attached too soon"... Do you see where I am getting at with this? Edited April 8, 2013 by WhoreyBull
ses Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Your story reminded me of myself. I thought I had great chemistry with someone; he was verbally and physically affectionate and treated me like I was his girlfriend. Yet in the process of getting emotionally attached he abruptly tells me we couldn't be together because he knew he would eventually hurt me. He ceased all contact and told me never to speak with him again. The 2 weeks of recovery time were hell but I learned from the lesson. If a man drops a bombshell like that, listen to him and have the strength to walk away. As much as your feelings are invested with the guy I wouldn't expect a committed relationship with him. He doesn't know what he wants. The guy enjoys your company but he may just want to have fun without exclusivity. Take it slow with him and keep your expectations relaxed. He may not be able to offer you what you want, and you need to realize that. You deserve to be treated as an equal partner in a relationship, not one among many options.
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