OW contacting hubby

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have been posting for awhile now - I am both a FOW and a BS. My affair ended over 3 years ago very publicly. My husbands affair (revenge affair?) ended about 1 1/2 years ago (as far as i know it was only physical for 8 months - ea for a least 3 months up to that point).

 

Anyway there has not been public exposure with his - she was an employee and wanting to treat this situation differently than mine ( with love and understanding) I was firm about leaving her position (she was there well over 10 years) but allowed it to be done over two months time. other than a couple of contacts I knew about early on (which he told me about), I have assumed no contact in the last close to year. Her husband does not know of the affair.

 

But something happened in the last few weeks which brought up the discussion and he confessed that while I was on a weekend trip with my girlfriends in January she not only called him but also showed up in the office the very next day. He said it sort of scared him and he disappeared into another room until she was gone.

 

So I asked him how often she showed up - he said every now and then to drop off clothes or some other excuse she has made up. I asked how long the conversation was and what she had to say - it was minimal. I asked if he told her to not call or show up at the office and he admitted he had not. I asked about him writing a no contact letter and he refused - did not want anything in writing. Then he said if she called again he would tell her not to call again.

 

Here is my question. What would you do with this? I did ask him if he minded if I talked with the OW or her husband. And he said he didn't care that I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway. I said "but I haven't done any of that - I haven't approached either of them at all so why say that."

 

I do understand not wanting anything in writing just because I have been concerned all along about possible work related issues and I know this was consensual but I have always been concerned about her possibly filing a sexual harassment charge.

 

But should I approach her (after all of this time) and ask her to stay away? Does that make sense for me to do that.

 

I feel like she just feels like she can come and go whenever she wants because she really isn't living any consequences. It's not that I want to punish at all (I understand her side believe me - I've been there), but its obvious she is saying she is available to him just by these actions.

 

I don't know - what do you all think?

[SoleMate]

I feel like [OW] just feels like she can come and go whenever she wants because she really isn't living any consequences....she is saying she is available to him just by these actions....I don't know - what do you all think?

That you should take your focus completely off the OW and put it on your marriage, your H and yourself.

[Decorative]

You need to tell her spouse about the affair, and then you need to try and not think about her anymore.

 

I know it's hard.

 

Her spouse deserves the truth. Part of the reason she is acting boldly, I assume- is that she has had no reality intervening.

[Spark1111]

I would. I would call her up and her H and tell them you and your H would prefer absolutely no contact at work when possible.

 

My H, too, let her down oh so gently because they worked together and yes, he was a coward, which we have discussed.

 

So, when she waltzed into his office more than 2 years after dday, I told him enough was enough. I mostly blamed him because had he told her in no uncertain terms he was re-dedicating his efforts to us and please do not contact me anymore, I doubt she would have showed up as she did.

 

I told her that unless she had specific work-related issues to discuss with him (which I knew she did not) that both of us did not want her stopping by for idle chit-chat.

 

I told her we did not wish her any harm, but please, stay away from us. I also told her to be very careful here as many in the workplace suspected their inappropriate relationship, and we all needed our livelihoods, didn't we.

 

She was absolutely gob-smacked by my phone call. Never in a million years did she expect he would tell me everything about her visit. I think she needed to believe he still pined for her.

 

I bust her bubble. Well worth it.

[whichwayisup]

You need to tell her spouse about the affair, and then you need to try and not think about her anymore.

 

I know it's hard.

 

Her spouse deserves the truth. Part of the reason she is acting boldly, I assume- is that she has had no reality intervening.

 

My thoughts exactly. Why wasn't her husband told of the A when you found out? He needs to know what his wife has done.

 

Also, YOUR H is not having an issue with her showing up. He hasn't told her to stop, so I hate to say it, but it makes me wonder if he actually just enjoys seeing her once in a while and catching up, even if it is on a casual basis (office atmosphere, so it's not like anything is going to happen in those moments). He needs to stop talking to her, but he won't unless he wants to. He can't stop her from dropping in, but he handle himself differently by walking away and/or NOT speaking to her.

[Artie Lang]

inform her spouse.

 

 

Then he said if she called again he would tell her not to call again.

 

this should've been addressed from the get-go. do it ASAP!

 

was there a NC letter?

[HopingAgain]

Tell her.husband. Like, now! Also include the fact that she is still dropping by your husbands office. After you tell him, contact her and askher firmly again to keep her distance. Be sure to let her know your husband told you about what shes been up to. OW hate it when husbands out their attempts at contact to the wife!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Not trying to be snarky, but since you can put yourself in her shoes. I don't know your story but if when you were involved with OM would having his wife talk to you have changed your thoughts or feelings at all?

 

We did talk afterwards. After the first D-Day, she wanted it quiet and didn't want my husband to know. They continued to hang out with us, go to dinner, come to our house, etc. The second d-day, my husband discovered it and immediately called her - then a huge blow up. She called me and wanted to meet with me and we did just two days later. It was very tearful as we were friends but calm and seemingly loving. Of course my xMM and I did keep in contact secretly for a couple of months, went NC for two more and then another sort of blow up happened where we did have contact again for a couple of weeks and then the final meeting and last conversation - nothing since then (other than a sighting).

 

But, yes, a "stay away", "don't contact", etc., probably would have gone a long way to put the nail in the coffin for me much sooner. That didn't happen. That's what is kind of oddly familiar. My xMM never said those words either, just silence. Now my husband is in a similar situation.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

inform her spouse.

 

 

 

 

this should've been addressed from the get-go. do it ASAP!

 

was there a NC letter?

 

There was never a NC letter. When I asked him recently to write one he said he wouldn't do it. He didn't want anything down on paper. Refusal.

[Artie Lang]

^very suspicious. NC letter is an integral part of reconciliation.

 

seems to me like he's doing and saying all the right things, but biding his time. he's keeping her on ice for now.

 

 

you need to demand this from him.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My thoughts exactly. Why wasn't her husband told of the A when you found out? He needs to know what his wife has done.

 

Also, YOUR H is not having an issue with her showing up. He hasn't told her to stop, so I hate to say it, but it makes me wonder if he actually just enjoys seeing her once in a while and catching up, even if it is on a casual basis (office atmosphere, so it's not like anything is going to happen in those moments). He needs to stop talking to her, but he won't unless he wants to. He can't stop her from dropping in, but he handle himself differently by walking away and/or NOT speaking to her.

 

The reason why is because mine was handled so catastrophically, so publicly - names read at church, etc. - it has taken a full 3 years to come back from the disaster it created. And he as much said he wanted me punished into submission pretty much. I wanted to so badly to handle this differently, with love and understanding. So, I didn't publicly expose. Plus the fact that he has a very prominent business in town and I saw how broken he was, not only by my affair but also he truly was disgusted by his own actions. He was already hurting so badly.

 

According to him he does. If she walks in, he disappears and makes himself scarce. Obviously, the phone call was something different. He said he was shocked when she called and it was a very short phone call "just saw your car, thought I'd see how you were doing. How are you and xx doing? etc.". He said he got off the phone quickly, but when I asked if he had told her not to call again, he admitted he had not.

[Artie Lang]

sounds like you caved to his demands because of your own affair. i don't know your story, but i still say you should demand a NC letter. this is not about being spiteful..... this is setting clear boundaries with a person who is not welcomed in your relationship.

 

this woman probably thinks you're making him break it off. she thinks there's still a chance. he's only encouraging these "visits" by being silent.

 

 

how is telling her, "STAY THE **** AWAY FROM ME" gonna hurt his business???

 

if you have NC with your fAP, he should follow suit.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

sounds like you caved to his demands because of your own affair. i don't know your story, but i still say you should demand a NC letter. this is not about being spiteful..... this is setting clear boundaries with a person who is not welcomed in your relationship.

 

this woman probably thinks you're making him break it off. she thinks there's still a chance. he's only encouraging these "visits" by being silent.

 

 

how is telling her, "STAY THE **** AWAY FROM ME" gonna hurt his business???

 

if you have NC with your fAP, he should follow suit.

 

I only meant that if it was publicly (widely) exposed, it could cause harm to him. I don't know how her husband would react. She says he's an abusive man (they all say that I know).

 

I agree - the "rules" that he wanted me to follow do not apply to him.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

That you should take your focus completely off the OW and put it on your marriage, your H and yourself.

 

So she should be allowed to come and go and I should be okay with this?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I would. I would call her up and her H and tell them you and your H would prefer absolutely no contact at work when possible.

 

My H, too, let her down oh so gently because they worked together and yes, he was a coward, which we have discussed.

 

So, when she waltzed into his office more than 2 years after dday, I told him enough was enough. I mostly blamed him because had he told her in no uncertain terms he was re-dedicating his efforts to us and please do not contact me anymore, I doubt she would have showed up as she did.

 

I told her that unless she had specific work-related issues to discuss with him (which I knew she did not) that both of us did not want her stopping by for idle chit-chat.

 

I told her we did not wish her any harm, but please, stay away from us. I also told her to be very careful here as many in the workplace suspected their inappropriate relationship, and we all needed our livelihoods, didn't we.

 

She was absolutely gob-smacked by my phone call. Never in a million years did she expect he would tell me everything about her visit. I think she needed to believe he still pined for her.

 

I bust her bubble. Well worth it.

 

Did you call her and speak with her on the phone? Or call and meet with her? How did he react to that?

 

This kind of makes me sick because it's like these guys have no courage to do anything like this. maybe he is keeping her on a string...idk

[Artie Lang]

you mean, you haven't exposed to her husband? wow! you need to do that, or at least threaten her with exposure if she doesn't cease to pursue your husband.

 

 

"abusive" man, she says. nonetheless, he needs to know. she should've thought of that before she dropped her panties. these are known as consequences. you didn't put her in this position- she did it herself.

 

and yet she continues to show up unannounced..... wow, she has some nerve. obviously she's not at all afraid of the "abuse" coming her way, should her husband find out she can't let go of OM.

 

 

to the exposure your husband thrust upon you, i say, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander." he's manipulating you into believing this double-standard BS.

Edited April 8, 2013 by Artie Lang

[lilmisscantbewrong]

you mean, you haven't exposed to her husband? wow! you need to do that, or at least threaten her with exposure if she doesn't cease to pursue your husband.

 

 

"abusive" man, she says. nonetheless, he needs to know, she should've thought of that before she dropped her panties. these are known as consequences. you didn't put her in this position- she did it herself.

 

and yet she continues to show up unannounced..... wow, she has some nerve. obviously she's not at all afraid of the "abuse" coming her way, should her husband find out she can't let go of OM.

 

 

to the exposure your husband thrust upon you, i say, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander." he's manipulating you into believing this double-standard BS.

 

No I haven't. Although I know "of" him, I wouldn't know him if I passed him on the street. I have looked for evidence online for him, but he doesn't have FB (neither do I), or anything like that. I do not know a cell number, it would be calling his home to get in touch with him.

 

And you are right - she is bold still coming around assuming he is abusive. But of course he doesn't know.

[Artie Lang]

i'm telling you, the only way to get rid of her is through exposure, or in your case the threat of exposure.

 

 

i'm really bothered by the lack of action at ending this once and for all from your husband. this needs to be addressed.

[Artie Lang]

I have looked for evidence online for him, but he doesn't have FB (neither do I), or anything like that.

 

go to Spokeo.com type in her name and all the people she's associated with will pop-up. you follow the trail from there.

 

 

good luck.

[Snowflower]

IMO, I would confront her directly. Ask her why she is still trying to talk to your H. She will likely not expect this and it will startle the bejesus out of her and hopefully she will learn to stay away.

[whichwayisup]

So she should be allowed to come and go and I should be okay with this?

 

If he isn't going to deal with this/her, then you can. I think HE SHOULD get the balls going and dig down deep, tell her to leave him alone, to stop dropping in. Sorry, but on some level he MUST be enjoying seeing her on occasion, otherwise why wouldn't he just tell her to leave him alone? He answers questions she asks him, he isn't ignoring her. In her mind, that's encouragment for a 'next time' and gets her hopes up. This is his doing as well, not just hers.

 

DO talk to her. Tell her to stop dropping by and talking to your husband, there is no point to it, she has no reason to speak or see him since the A is over and they aren't friends. Let her know that if she does come by again or calls your H, makes idle conversation with him, you're going to talk to her husband. Tell her "Go ahead, call my bluff. I dare you to go talk to my H again..Test it and see what happens." Maybe she'll back off and leave your H alone.

 

If it goes public again, so be it. You need to decide which is more important to you. Your marriage or gossip. You live for your family, not those in church and those who like to find out gossip.

[canuckprincess]

I have been posting for awhile now - I am both a FOW and a BS. My affair ended over 3 years ago very publicly. My husbands affair (revenge affair?) ended about 1 1/2 years ago (as far as i know it was only physical for 8 months - ea for a least 3 months up to that point).

 

Anyway there has not been public exposure with his - she was an employee and wanting to treat this situation differently than mine ( with love and understanding) I was firm about leaving her position (she was there well over 10 years) but allowed it to be done over two months time. other than a couple of contacts I knew about early on (which he told me about), I have assumed no contact in the last close to year. Her husband does not know of the affair.

 

But something happened in the last few weeks which brought up the discussion and he confessed that while I was on a weekend trip with my girlfriends in January she not only called him but also showed up in the office the very next day. He said it sort of scared him and he disappeared into another room until she was gone.

 

So I asked him how often she showed up - he said every now and then to drop off clothes or some other excuse she has made up. I asked how long the conversation was and what she had to say - it was minimal. I asked if he told her to not call or show up at the office and he admitted he had not. I asked about him writing a no contact letter and he refused - did not want anything in writing. Then he said if she called again he would tell her not to call again.

 

Here is my question. What would you do with this? I did ask him if he minded if I talked with the OW or her husband. And he said he didn't care that I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway. I said "but I haven't done any of that - I haven't approached either of them at all so why say that."

 

I do understand not wanting anything in writing just because I have been concerned all along about possible work related issues and I know this was consensual but I have always been concerned about her possibly filing a sexual harassment charge.

 

But should I approach her (after all of this time) and ask her to stay away? Does that make sense for me to do that.

 

I feel like she just feels like she can come and go whenever she wants because she really isn't living any consequences. It's not that I want to punish at all (I understand her side believe me - I've been there), but its obvious she is saying she is available to him just by these actions.

 

 

 

I don't know - what do you all think?

 

 

I have a few thoughts you to consider, first off are you 100 percent sure your husband has stopped seeing her?

Maybe he was the one that contacted her knowing fair well you'd be away on your girls weekend. As an ow I'm happy to hear you don't put all the blame on the OW. In my situation my mm's wife puts all the blame on me as If I chase after him. That couldn't be further from the truth. Doesn't seem to me like your in complete denial with your head up your A$$ like some others are. Like yourself I've been the BS, OW, and WS, so I really can relate to a lot of the posters on here.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have a few thoughts you to consider, first off are you 100 percent sure your husband has stopped seeing her?

Maybe he was the one that contacted her knowing fair well you'd be away on your girls weekend. As an ow I'm happy to hear you don't put all the blame on the OW. In my situation my mm's wife puts all the blame on me as If I chase after him. That couldn't be further from the truth. Doesn't seem to me like your in complete denial with your head up your A$$ like some others are. Like yourself I've been the BS, OW, and WS, so I really can relate to a lot of the posters on here.

 

Believe me I am not so naive to think that isn't possible. I know how all of this works. I've been there. And, no, I am not 100% sure. I just haven't come across enough evidence yet. I have the home computer he uses monitored but nothing else. I am reticent to put anything on his phone or on his computer at work (although I could get access). He was sloppy the first time but she no longer works there.

 

I think I may finally make the phone call to her that I probably should have made a year and a half ago.

[Spark1111]

Did you call her and speak with her on the phone? Or call and meet with her? How did he react to that?

 

This kind of makes me sick because it's like these guys have no courage to do anything like this. maybe he is keeping her on a string...idk

 

I'm sorry I missed this......

 

My H had a full blown panic attack the day she waltzed into his office and pushed every button he had, hinting she would be interested in re-initiating the affair.

 

I had told him unequivocally, if there was accidental or intentional contact by either one of them, and he did not inform me immediately, we were over and done and I meant it.

 

I asked his support in calling her and he agreed. I felt so unimportant to her in that she must've held on to the common fantasy that he returned for the kids, the status quo, blah, blah, blah. it was time to become a real person to her.

 

You see, I had called her a few months after DDay on her cell phone, telling her my schedule of when we could talk and extending an olive branch. Since they both worked for the same company but no longer in the same building, I thought it prudent to not blind-side each other at a company event.

 

She did not return those calls and I thought so be it. We were moving on.

 

When we finally spoke - I dialed her direct line at work-- she kept trying to dodge me until I told her I would not give up until she answered.

 

I told her we wished her no harm but to stay away from him and from us. I also told her that every other woman was aware of the inappropriate nature of their relationship and to be very careful here as we all needed our livelihoods, yes?

 

She was absolutely gob-smacked he had told me of her visit and today, I think she fears me. She's stayed away and is very much aware that he and I are a united front in preserving our marriage.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Depending upon her attitude, contacting her could put you in a very bad light. She could perceive it as weakness. You saying, please stop talking to my weak and ineffective H. She could be emboldened by that. Thinking your best shot is to beg her to stop chasing him. She could say, sorry, fair game to me, if you can't keep him in line I'm going after him. Just be ready for that. If she thinks all you can do is beg her to leave him alone she might then get even more bold.