Try Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I realise some of the responses on here are from people on the receiving end of infidelity and would imagine that's why the vitriol. As strangers we are not in love with you and can speak the truth. What you dismiss as vitriol is us telling the truth in that hopes that you would see it from your husband's point of view and that you would show him some real empathy. At the end of the day it is not forgiveness from strangers I seek, but from my husband. Your husband will forgive you, that is a given because he is in love with you. What is in question is will you continue to exploit that fact. My money says that you will.
Author Moomooloo Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 You can no more assume I will go on and have another EA than I can make assumptions about you based on an anonymous post on a website. I did not know whether my husband would stay with me when I confessed but owed him the honesty about my f@ck up. I'm not sure what more you want me to say here.... I am sorry for all of woman (and man) kind that had their head turned after an 18 year relationship... Yes, I wish it didn't happen. Yet I am a firm believer in facing the music and knuckling down to make things work. I cannot trying empathise without being in that position myself. Maybe my husband will do the same to me one day, who knows? Perhaps you would throw away an otherwise happy 10 year marriage on this but we want to do what's best for our child and us. Counselling will help and we are already making strides to get back on our feet. I think you need to realise that whatever you think of the 'act' of an EA everyone's relationships and situations are different. Also nobody can say with certainty they will 'never' cheat.... Life isn't full of those guarantees but I know that this situation has made me value what I have. I hope you find happiness.
Try Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) You can no more assume I will go on and have another EA than I can make assumptions about you based on an anonymous post on a website. I did not know whether my husband would stay with me when I confessed but owed him the honesty about my f@ck up. I'm not sure what more you want me to say here.... I am sorry for all of woman (and man) kind that had their head turned after an 18 year relationship... Yes, I wish it didn't happen. Yet I am a firm believer in facing the music and knuckling down to make things work. I cannot trying empathise without being in that position myself. Maybe my husband will do the same to me one day, who knows? Perhaps you would throw away an otherwise happy 10 year marriage on this but we want to do what's best for our child and us. Counselling will help and we are already making strides to get back on our feet. I think you need to realise that whatever you think of the 'act' of an EA everyone's relationships and situations are different. Also nobody can say with certainty they will 'never' cheat.... Life isn't full of those guarantees but I know that this situation has made me value what I have. I hope you find happiness. You keep calling it an emotinal affair even thought you took it physical when you kissed and made out with him in his hotel room. It does not have to be full on intercourse for it to also be called a physical affair (PA). You had both an EA and the beginning of a PA with this other man (OM). You need to own this and face up to this and stop minimizing it. Your posts are full of minimizing and rationalizing which will hinder you being able to feel the true remorse that is needed to heal your marraige. You also, even now, continue to put your husband in 2nd place to the other man when you make the primary reason for staying with your husband your child rather than your love for your husband. By minimizing, rationalizing, and making yourself into a martyr sacrificing your happiness for the sake of your child, you are following a plan that often lead to false reconciliation. To prevent this we are advising you to take a different path. We want you to feel bad over what you did not because we are bad people that enjoy your suffering, but because we know that if you get to rug sweep this without truly sharing in your husbands pain, you will not be able to resist it when the other man contacts you again. Since you have not completely closed the door on this OM in your heart, he will contact you again, and if you do not contact him back now, what about 6 months from now or a year or two from now? You need to know that you are in the fog. The affair partner has a scientifically proven advantage over your spouse in that the newness factor releases strong addictive drugs in your brain when you even think about the affair partner. The other big advantage is that both you and your affair partner get to live a fantasy with each other where you each get to put put up a front to each other and where your relationship is devoid of boring things such as paying the bills. These advantages go away over time when affair partners do drop their partners for each other. This is why statistics show that only 3% of affair partner relationships survive long term. I hope that you find happiness too, which is why I am trying to wake you up from your fog by being so hard on you. Edited April 15, 2013 by Try
Bryanp Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I would like to ask you if the roles had been reversed would you have been so generous and forgiving as your husband has been time and again?
Author Moomooloo Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Yes I realise what you are doing and appreciate it. Do I feel remorse? Yes! Do I love my husband? With all of my heart! Do I own the horrendous guilt of having jeopardised things? Yes. Can I 'empathise' with how he feels? No... It has never happened to me... I don't mean to trivialise anything. I only called it an 'EA' because that seemed to be term used on this site. It did have a physical side to it. It was tempting. It was a change from daily life to be flattered by someone. I know that a relationship with this other guy would also become mundane and humdrum and it was the buzz of newness that was intoxicating and flattering. Would I forgive my husband? Who knows? I'd like to think so but until I am in that situation I can't say for sure. I know it's early days but I can say the following for sure: I don't want a life without my husband in it. I love him. I have disrespected our vows and he had the kindness to take me back. He wants to move on. I would like to move on. We will have counselling and I will handle any fallout that brings. I can't do any more than that.... As I have said, counselling will bring out lots of issues we have had that are too personal and emotional to discuss on here. And while they are not 'excusing' what I did, I fail to believe a counsellor won't want to discuss them as a catalyst for this affair manifesting. I have changed my number and email and do not know this other guy's email or mobile so contact will be very difficult. I don't have a crystal ball (nobody does right?) But I won't ever treat my husband like this again.
Try Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Do I feel remorse? Yes! Do I love my husband? With all of my heart! Do I own the horrendous guilt of having jeopardised things? Yes. Can I 'empathise' with how he feels? No... It has never happened to me... You can get a better understanding of how he feels if you let your husband vent on you about his true feelings. And by vent, I do not mean to abuse. He needs to be able to say things over and over to you. He needs to try to get you to understand as best he can. You need to try to understand, as best you can, what he is feeling. He needs to feel that you care and will never do it again. Also, you are still his best friend and he needs you to be that for him again. I don't want a life without my husband in it. I love him. I have disrespected our vows and he had the kindness to take me back. You can never say this enough to your husband. He wants to move on. I would like to move on. You must resist the early desire by both of you to want to rug sweep and make believe that you can wish it away, as it will only delay the healing and true reconciliation where your husband feels safe again in his marriage. As I have said, counselling will bring out lots of issues we have had that are too personal and emotional to discuss on here. And while they are not 'excusing' what I did, I fail to believe a counsellor won't want to discuss them as a catalyst for this affair manifesting. You are both 50-50% responsible for the issues in your marriage, but you are 100% responsible for the affair. Please do not forget that, or let your husband feel that you think otherwise. I have changed my number and email and do not know this other guy's email or mobile so contact will be very difficult. I don't have a crystal ball (nobody does right?) But I won't ever treat my husband like this again. You sound much more committed to your husband now than you did in your earlier posts. I wish you luck. 1
Author Moomooloo Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Thank you. It's been very useful to 'talk' on here. I have read your messages to him but he said he has spoken to me so much about how he feels that he just wants to move on. I'm more than happy to support him however I can if he wants to talk about it. But likewise, don't want to regurgitate things that he doesn't wish to discuss. It may still be raw... Or maybe he will never want to re-visit them.... Who knows. But I will support him however. We have spoken about broken trust, and failings, and love and respect and all of the various emotions he was feeling when I told him. He is very optimistic about our marriage and holds a firm belief that (for him at least), the fact that I told him about this affair and did not sleep with someone I was attracted to, is a positive in a **** storm. I keep driving home that it was still a betrayal but I guess that's where his fidelity boundaries sit. That's NOT to say that I will ever take advantage of them and kiss another man just to test him! For the mean time, I will keep pushing for counselling for us. I think it will be useful. My husband is very British about counselling etc and is more likely to open up to a mate over a beer than a counsellor across a table. I will sign off now. Thanks for your help! Much happiness x 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I applaud your desire to get in counselling, as I think it will strengthen the marriage. I know it is humbling for him, but his mate is not a trained counselor and will only commiserate with him. The OM contact with you should not be considered flattering as he has no respect for you. He feels that he is SOOOOOO special that you will disrespect your family for him and his selfish desire. I see real promise here, but you really need to impress on your husband the need for professional assistance.
Recommended Posts