Moomooloo Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Hi all Just found this site and really need to talk to 'someone'. I'm a married lady in my thirties. Been with my husband for 18 years and married for ten... We were childhood sweethearts. About eleven years ago I worked with a lovely Australian guy who I got close to while he was in the UK travelling. We never slept together but had an emotional affair around a time things were going squiffy with my husband. He had a girlfriend at the time but broke up with her, asking me to travel with him. I didn't ....l had bought a house with my partner and was too scared of the upheaval in my life to leave. He moved on, as did I. We both married our partners and went on to have kids. I used to get the odd text or email from him but it didn't evoke any strong feelings in me. This time last year we began instant messaging. Started with reminiscing and moved on to discussing our marriages etc. It transpires that one of those texts he sent me years ago was on the eve of his stag do.... Anyway, fate led him to the UK for work last september and we went back and forth trying to decide whether meeting up would be sensible. I told my husband I was meeting him (he knew our past) but I assured him all would be fine as others would be there. The day arrived to meet and I was giddy and excited like an 18 year old. We spent the afternoon laughing and chatting and the evening with other ex colleagues. Upon leaving he got very upset and confided to my friend that I was the love of his life and he can't bear being without me. Next day I went to see him at his hotel and we had an emotional day trying to get our heads around these huge feelings. Some physical things happened, not sex but we both wanted to.... He left the UK still very confused and I'mleft heartbroken. He said as much as he wants to, he can't leave his kids and move to UK and I can't take my son away from his dad and his family and move there. I have tried to break contact with him but am struggling so much. In spite of this blip my marriage was very happy and my head had never previously been turned. I've been trying to decide whether it was a midlife crisis and a lift from the inevitable humdrum of family life. I need some help trying NOT to contact this guy... We have no future together but I miss chatting on BBM and email and having him in my life in this way. He said he will support whatever decision I make regarding cutting contact. He claims he will always love me..... I just struggle with closure and am constantly tempted to MSG him.... Help
jjjman Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Cut contact with him. You said you have a happy life with your husband and kids, then why ruin that? If the new guy said he will support your decision, then he should understand and leave you alone. Email him, tell him you love your husband and kids and can't keep on contacting each other like this. Just send it and don't look back, leave him if you want to save your marriage. Good luck!
Author Moomooloo Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 You're right... I know it.... It's just very hard to forget him and how he made me feel. I've been trying to keep busy but he's still at the front of my thoughts...
Author Moomooloo Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Help.... Feeling esp tempted tonight. Had a bad day work wise. It's only day two of no contact..... This is so f@cking hard....... When will it get easier? Feel miserable when I'm in contact (promised husband I wouldn't msg him again), but am miserable having no contact. Talk about rock and a hard place... Help. Someone. Please. X
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Your problem is that, ideally you would love the best qualities of both existences, rolled into one. So instead of missing the guy, think about what the connection did for you, and what's missing in your marriage? An EA can be utterly devastating, and you're lucky your H is being so tolerant; but I can also see why he's put his foot Down. However, you would definitely benefit from both individual Counselling, but also marriage counselling. Because if the guy floated your boat, it seems to me an indication that your marital ship was sinking.... Please remember one vital thing: Counselling is not designed to keep people together. no, it isn't. Counselling is a tool whereby the playing field is levelled, and you can discuss things openly and logically. You can both express yourselves and reach an understanding - whether that is to stay together, salvage it and re-float it, or let it sink, and go your separate ways. It's hard work, can be heart-breaking, but it will help you sort out what you really want. A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle... Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional. You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship. You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong. If that's what you BOTH want, that is..... Remember: "Finding" the problem isn't the hard work. Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins. And you have to both want to work equally hard. you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level. 2
Author Moomooloo Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 So after 3 days of NC he messages me to say he misses me .... And I was doing ok at distracting myself with new job etc... Now, BOOM! Square one...
TaraMaiden Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Please tell me you didn't reply. (PLEASE tell me you Didn't reply - !!) I suggest to avoid further fan-hitting-schytt, you change your number. And please don't say you can't, because that's utter BS. I had to move countries, and ran a business, too - so trust me, if I can do it - you can. 1
Author Moomooloo Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I hate myself cos I did reply I know! So f@cking weak right? Just said, hope ur ok. Didn't answer his question about my new job (he knew i started this week). Said he's feeling 'the same' (which means he still feels trapped in his marriage etc) and that he was just 'checking in'. I didn't say I missed him...he also said sorry for msging me.... He then dropped off BBM without a 'bye'... So either fell asleep (it was early morning), or regretted the contact. I hate bloody electronic media!
Author Moomooloo Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks TaraMaiden - btw.... U speak a LOT of sense.. I have already changed number... He got new number from a mate of mine (and mutual friend). Trouble is I'm a freelance writer and marketing consultant so a lot of my work comes from contacts that have emails and mobile contacts from me dating way back. Plus with my new job, new clients have all existing contact details. It's not imposs to change these but feel it wont look v professional. Plus if he's that keen to find me, he knows where I work! I just need to work at NOT responding but it was hard to ignore him as I was worried he wasn't doing well (as I hadn't been). Jeez I'm reading all this and thinking 'woman. Grow a pair!'
TaraMaiden Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I'm thinking the same.... Contact all your business associates. Explain you are changing your number due to a scammer who has been stalking you. You would further appreciate it if they did not give out your number to anyone at all. Should anyone ask them for your details, advise your contacts to tell them that they will pass on the enquirer's details to you, and you will get in touch with them... If a friend changed their number and someone - even if I knew them as a mutual acquaintance - asked me for the new number, I would never presume to give it out. Let this friend of yours know in no uncertain terms that you are bloody furious that they put you in this position. Regardless of who was asking for the number, if the number is changed, and someone doesn't have it - then it stands to reason that you don't want that person to have it!! Now you're going to have to go through the whole damn process again - and this time, guess what?? THEY'RE not getting your new number either!!
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) I recommend getting the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It's a remarkable book about how affairs begin. I think it will change your romantic view of this affair and give you a different perspective on your marriage. Your H cannot compete with a fantasy. If you want to remain married, you don't get to play single. And if you cannot resist the thrill of external validation, then release your husband from his end of the bargain so he can find someone that deserves his love and returns it. Edited April 12, 2013 by BetrayedH 1
Lillyfree Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 it's very simple - when you had a better chance of starting a relationship with him, you chose the house over him. now there's whole other level of commitment on both sides, and kids included. surely if back then the house was more important, this time around your kids are enough to put a stop to what is nothing than escapism. 1
Bryanp Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have to doing to him? I suggest that you tell your husband everything now since it is the least you can do for your husband. This is not just about you. You have disrespected your husband and your marriage. Your husband has a right to know so that he may make decisions pertaining to his life as well. It seems that you husband means very little to you. 1
Author Moomooloo Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Bryanp - I have been honest with my husband. His primary focus was the fact that we did not have a physical relationship and I think this is the only reason we are still together. We have a lot of history and most of it incredibly happy. I don't think he wants to throw that away over this and (believe it or not), neither do I. As for how I'd feel if roles were reversed.... Again, I would focus on any physical act that did or did not happen and use it as a foundation on which to rebuild. People are fallible... We all balls up, it's how we handle our mistakes that counts. I do need to stop living in the fantasy. I know that's exactly what I am doing. Lillyfree - a very good point. BetrayedH - sounds like an interesting read. I don't expect Brownie points for not sleeping with this guy. I guess I was flattered at the attention after being with the same person for 18 years! Anyone would be wouldn't they?
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Bryanp - I have been honest with my husband. His primary focus was the fact that we did not have a physical relationship and I think this is the only reason we are still together. We have a lot of history and most of it incredibly happy. I don't think he wants to throw that away over this and (believe it or not), neither do I. As for how I'd feel if roles were reversed.... Again, I would focus on any physical act that did or did not happen and use it as a foundation on which to rebuild. People are fallible... We all balls up, it's how we handle our mistakes that counts. I do need to stop living in the fantasy. I know that's exactly what I am doing. Lillyfree - a very good point. BetrayedH - sounds like an interesting read. I don't expect Brownie points for not sleeping with this guy. I guess I was flattered at the attention after being with the same person for 18 years! Anyone would be wouldn't they? Yeah, the attention is flattering and hard to resist. We all love external validation, otherwise we probably wouldn't even seek committed relationships. Unfortunately, a spouse isn't very convincing as validation. After all, they are essentially shackled to you for life as part of your agreement. It's not very validating. But flattering attention from another man who isn't shackled to you? That's very convincing to your ego. Of course, given time, you'd probably experience the same lull with the new guy. It ends up being a never ending quest for the next person to make you happy. The trick is to know that this tends to happen and then put boundaries in place to stop anyone of the opposite sex from getting to the point where they're a threat to your marriage. And realize also that no one can really make you happy; that's your job. Anyway, good luck. And I hope you'll invest in that book; it's an eye-opener and one that's pretty universally recommended re: infidelity. I think it should be required of anyone before they're issued a marriage certificate. 2
Author Moomooloo Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Thank you. I have grown a pair. Really listened to all of your words and are determined to prove my love to the man I married. He is amazing, and the issues were always mine... Never about him or 'us'. I have never had a lot of self confidence, but need to stop looking for validation from someone from my past with his own issues and start believing in myself a little more. Thank you all. Harsh words but all very true xx 3
Bryanp Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Sounds like your are emerging from the fog. Now go out and appreciate your husband and your life! Good luck. 2
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Thank you. I have grown a pair. Really listened to all of your words and are determined to prove my love to the man I married. He is amazing, and the issues were always mine... Never about him or 'us'. I have never had a lot of self confidence, but need to stop looking for validation from someone from my past with his own issues and start believing in myself a little more. Thank you all. Harsh words but all very true xx Sounds to me like your husband is a pretty understanding and committed guy if he's still with you after you've been honest about a bit of fence-sitting about another man (albeit emotional rather than physical). He must like you quite a bit. My gut says he thinks you're worth the effort and that you should believe him. And maybe reward him as well. Best wishes on restoring a happy marriage. I think you've dodged a bullet and have a great opportunity to seize the moment.
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) Firstly the "I can't help myself" is a justification of poor behavior. I wonder if you would be as understanding of your husband if the tables were reversed. I think you need to start by being completely honest with your husband, since something physical did happen. You need to make him privy to the way that you communicate with this other man and allow him to monitor your communication, since you seem incapable of policing yourself. You know your husband to be an understanding fellow, probably too understanding for his own good. Also you know that the relationship with the other man is not really real, it is a fantasy of what might have been. A real relationship is having to deal with each other when we aren't our prettiest and not always in a good mood. It is dealing with bills, cranky children and all the little things in life that makes it tough some days. The other man is never around for any of these things, he merely whispers sweet nothings in your ear, behind his wives back. He is not near as noble as you believe him to be. If he will cheat with you, he would cheat on you. Edited April 12, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel
Author Moomooloo Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Lordy no. It's no justification at all. When I told Hubby I put hands in the air and apologised. Don't think he was a push over either but he was privvy to the bigger picture of our relationship and knows I'd never had my head turned before. I have also been on anxiety and depression pills so has ridden the rollercoaster with him. I owed it to him to be honest about what happened... I have told Hubby that this guy has been in touch and he is trusting me to do the right thing. Which I am now adamant I will do! It wasn't easy at first but I know I invested too much emotionally in someone that wasn't my husband. I can only be sorry and then work to a happier future for my little family. As my friend says, marriage is a journey - not always a scenic one! I can't spend my life kicking myself or we will never move on. We have 18 years and a little boy together so I'm going to work hard at keeping our unit together ... 2
Just a Guy Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Hi MML Sorry to see that you are in such a tricky situation. Please remember that an Emotional affair is much more deadly than just a purely physical one. Of course if it is both an emotional and a physical one then it can be a nuclear bomb! Please do get yourself straightened out so that you can see where your future happiness lies. You cannot ride two horses at the same time( unless you are a stunt woman) and think that you can maintain your equilibrium. It seems to me that both you and your husband have a lot invested in your marriage and it would be a tragedy if you did some thing foolish to wreck it. Your husband has been very understanding but he is human and has his limits. You do not have to test these limits! My best wishes to you. 1
Try Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) Been with my husband for 18 years and married for ten... We were childhood sweethearts. About eleven years ago I worked with a lovely Australian guy who I got close to while he was in the UK travelling. We never slept together but had an emotional affair around a time things were going squiffy with my husband. So 7 years into a committed relationship with your soon to be husband, and only 1 year before you were married, you had an emotional affair (EA) with another man. Since having an EA is cheating, you cheated on your now husband just before you got married. I told my husband I was meeting him (he knew our past) but I assured him all would be fine as others would be there. The day arrived to meet and I was giddy and excited like an 18 year old. We spent the afternoon laughing and chatting and the evening with other ex colleagues. Upon leaving he got very upset and confided to my friend that I was the love of his life and he can't bear being without me. Next day I went to see him at his hotel and we had an emotional day trying to get our heads around these huge feelings. Some physical things happened, not sex but we both wanted to.... So after you assured your husband that “all would be fine as others would be there”, you went back the next day to see the other man alone at his hotel where “Some physical things happened, not sex”. Thus your assurance to your husband that you would only see the other man when "others would be there" was a lie. Also, you do not have to have intercourse to be physically and emotionally cheating on your husband. Play word games all that you want, but you cheated on your husband yet again. The person that I feel bad for is not you, but your husband. He is in love with an unremorseful cheater that lies to him and rationalizes her cheating. Nowhere do you show any empathy for your husband as you focus only on you and what you want. Edited April 14, 2013 by Try 2
Darren Steez Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Did you tell your husband about things getting physical?
Author Moomooloo Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Yes, my husband knew about our kissing all those years ago and he also knows what happened recently. I am very remorseful and do not justify my behaviour in the slightest. I confessed both times and left it to my partner to decide what he wanted to do. There are a few things that I am not comfortable with revealing on here which add additional dimensions to our relationship and his forgiveness of me. He is an amazing guy who I've told I do not deserve. As he seems to think our relationship is worth salvaging, so do I! I realise some of the responses on here are from people on the receiving end of infidelity and would imagine that's why the vitriol. At the end of the day it is not forgiveness from strangers I seek, but from my husband.
Try Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Yes, my husband knew about our kissing all those years ago and he also knows what happened recently. I am very remorseful and do not justify my behaviour in the slightest. I confessed both times and left it to my partner to decide what he wanted to do. In situations such as this, your husband had the choice to either leave or stay. You knew this and called his bluff knowing that he loved you. Your husband may be a strong man in most ways, but when it comes to you he is weak. You knew that you could get physical with the other man in his hotel room and that your husband would not leave you over it. Your husband is in love with you, while you love your husband but are not in love with him. This give you the power, and you are not afraid to exploit it.
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