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Is there something wrong with me?

forumvirgin

By forumvirgin
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forumvirgin New Member

forumvirgin

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My boyfriend continues to watch porn behind my back even though he is completely aware how much it upsets me. We are in a distance relationship at the moment, so I am taking that into consideration but we have made countless of home videos, taken bunches upon bunches of pictures (in a variety of settings, themes and outfits or lack there of), I regularly send him new ones and we regularly have video sex over skype. And still, he more often than not watches porn. I don't even think he looks at any of that, he just goes straight to the free porn sites. Am I stupid for feeling incredibly insecure about it? When we are together we have an extremely active sex life, and I am very much of the opinion that if there is something we want to try then we try it - so there shouldn't be anything he feels he cannot come to me about. I am not even asking him to stop, and I understand it is hard over the distance so I am willing to wait until we are together permanently, but when we are I want to be involved in his porn use. I hate the feeling he is doing it behind my back. But he doesn't seem to understand this. Unfortunately watching it together is a bit useless as I do not find it a turn on whatsoever (and I have tried looking at almost all of it, but am still open to new suggestions), but I am happy to watch it with him anyway - especially for new ideas. Can someone please help?? I am going crazy feeling inadequate and insecure and need to do something about to help me through the year. I don't understand why he has to do it when I am offering all these other options if it is not because he wants to look at and be aroused by people other than me. Or am I being completely irrational?????

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Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

Posted
Posted
My boyfriend continues to watch porn behind my back even though he is completely aware how much it upsets me. We are in a distance relationship at the moment, so I am taking that into consideration but we have made countless of home videos, taken bunches upon bunches of pictures (in a variety of settings, themes and outfits or lack there of), I regularly send him new ones and we regularly have video sex over skype. And still, he more often than not watches porn. I don't even think he looks at any of that, he just goes straight to the free porn sites. Am I stupid for feeling incredibly insecure about it? When we are together we have an extremely active sex life, and I am very much of the opinion that if there is something we want to try then we try it - so there shouldn't be anything he feels he cannot come to me about. I am not even asking him to stop, and I understand it is hard over the distance so I am willing to wait until we are together permanently, but when we are I want to be involved in his porn use. I hate the feeling he is doing it behind my back. But he doesn't seem to understand this. Unfortunately watching it together is a bit useless as I do not find it a turn on whatsoever (and I have tried looking at almost all of it, but am still open to new suggestions), but I am happy to watch it with him anyway - especially for new ideas. Can someone please help?? I am going crazy feeling inadequate and insecure and need to do something about to help me through the year. I don't understand why he has to do it when I am offering all these other options if it is not because he wants to look at and be aroused by people other than me. Or am I being completely irrational?????

 

 

Watching porn better than cheating with another girl

They like to watch porn whether they are married, single

12 years old or 70

That is their thing....You have to deal with it:bunny:

  • Like 1
PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

Posted
Posted
Or am I being completely irrational?????

 

You're just oblivious to how men work. Men like porn and it has nothing to do with you. You should concern yourself with the rest of the relationship. Sounds like you have a good sex life, so what's the problem?

ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted

Your standards are certainly your choice. However, men have sexual needs and are very visual. It's (mostly) reasonable to expect a guy to stop porn use if you are with him regularly. In a LD relationship it's not reasonable to expect him to not have you OR anything else. But I don't believe LD relationships usually work and to me the term itself is almost an oxymoron.

 

Your insecurities on the matter aren't uncommon but also aren't helpful. Do you have good sex when you are together? Is he into you? If so, stop believing you're in competition with 2D images of people he'll never meet. If not, then he has a serious problem.

 

It's sensible and reasonable for you to have an adult discussion with him, from a scientific basis backed up with testimonials of porn addicts and the like, to help him understand why he needs to severely curtail porn use even in a LD relationship. But expecting him to give it up completely while he's constantly not with you, or approaching the topic from the basis of religious dogma / female bias or your own insecurities isn't reasonable and isn't going to help.

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)

Don't make it about you being 'inadequate'. Circumstances are just what they are and people typically need to masturbate in LDRs, much more than they do in local Rs. Porn is often a part of that.

 

I used porn quite a lot when I was in a LDR. Bf isn't a huge fan of porn (or at least, less of a fan than me :laugh:) but I'm pretty sure he also used some of it when we were physically away from each other. Skype sex is great but there are times when schedules and timezones don't permit.

 

That being said, it's fairly worrisome that you're putting in all that effort and he doesn't even look at it? Why do you continue to do so? Has he expressed any desire or appreciation for the pictures/vids that you give him? Does he reciprocate?

Edited by Elswyth
ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted
it's fairly worrisome that you're putting in all that effort and he doesn't even look at it? Why do you continue to do so? Has he expressed any desire or appreciation for the pictures/vids that you give him? Does he reciprocate?

 

Yeah I should have read this part of it more closely. There was a lot more to address.

 

OP you seem to want to control his fantasy life when he's not with you. That's not healthy. What you really offer him is love, intimacy, warmth, physicality and the carnal touch of flesh. In your "video sex" when you're not there but only an image on a computer screen, even if you are his woman, you really ARE trying to compete with the other 2D images on the screen. And the sad fact is you can't really compete on those terms.

 

I never really understood "video sex", I've never done it and though I can't be sure, it doesn't sound like something that would interest me. I would want my girl to be physically with me. If I can only look that's just a tease. Just like showing me a picture of a baked potato doesn't alleviate my hunger. And even worse, I'm asked to only look at the baked potato and not the giant spread of food in the banquet hall.

 

The following things are clearer to me now:

- Your BF has a significant porn addiction

- You aren't comfortable with it at all and are trying to force your virtual presence on him as a substitute because you don't like it

- He is showing little interest in your "virtual presence"

- He is uncommunicative, unsupportive and not understanding about it

- The LD relationship is seriously exacerbating the existing porn addiction

 

Guys really like porn and that shouldn't be taken personally. Porn has negative side effects. Both of those things are true.

 

I might be wrong... but I think you need to take a much different approach to all of this. Instead of trying to control his fantasies and making yourself ridiculously open and available to him, to the point of forcing your virtual self on him and even humiliating yourself to the extent that you're taking it, you need to start having some self-respect and also respect for him.

 

You're supposed to be his special girl. Instead it's like you've thrown your virtual self into the ring with porn stars in a desperate bid for your distant BF's fantasy life. Porn stars have a whole lot to offer on that 2D screen, but self-respect is NOT on the list. Nor are the other things I mentioned at the top.

 

Let him wank how he wants. But let him know that excessive porn use WILL hurt your relationship and back it up (nicely) with real info that's out there. Let him know that relationships are built on mutual understanding and respect, and that you feel that he hasn't been respectful about your feelings. Ask him what you can do to help, and probably try to be with him more often because it sounds like it's desperately needed.

  • Like 2
WhoreyBull Established Member

WhoreyBull

Posted
Posted (edited)
Unfortunately watching it together is a bit useless as I do not find it a turn on whatsoever

 

So he gets to give up things he likes to make you happy, but you can't even sit through a video that you don't like? And yet I'll bet he'd be willing to go to that movie he wouldn't otherwise see because you expressed that's what you wanted. It might not be what he considers "entertaining" but there were some good parts and he'd be focusing on what is important, the time spent together. Though it seems you adhere to the expression: If it's useless to the goose the gander doesn't get to either.

 

(and I have tried looking at almost all of it)

All of it? You've tried looking at almost all porn? Maybe you just burnt yourself out, how about just YOU try taking a break for a while? There are a lot of interesting threads in the addiction/recovery forum. ;)

Edited by WhoreyBull
Socratesisapunk Member

Socratesisapunk

Posted
Posted

I am a girl, I do not personally watch porn on my own. However, if I had a boyfriend (and when I did), I wouldn't/didn't care if he watched porn and I think it's healthy. Maybe you need to work on your jealousy issues, because that's what it comes down to. I'm just not a jealous person by nature. I know if the guy I am dating wanted to really mess around with one of those porn stars, he wouldn't be with me. Usually, men have a stronger sex drive than most women can handle and porn is a good option for keeping everyone happy.

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