LimeBlue Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I am new here and am hoping to find some input as I am very confused about this... I am 38 and my husband is 40. We have been together for 14 years and our sex life has never been all that great but I never thought anything of it until recently. We have recently been through a patch of 16 months where we did not have sex once. No intimacy at all, but because this was not the first time having a long stretch of zero intimacy, once again I did not read too much into it - I always thought it was just us or "normal" as I have never been in another long relationship to know the difference. However, about a year ago someone who I had started to confide in, asked me if my husband was gay. I think this planted the seed... Then one night about six months ago, we went to dinner with friends, and my husband "mock" kissed his male friend (and they actually went in for a kiss on the lips), but my husband had his tongue out to start with. Then that same night, my husband joked about him and this friend of his needing to get a room... and us ladies just fobbed it off as a joke... So that was that... until two weeks ago when we were at a party. This same male friend of his was there, as were many other people (about 40 peoples). My husband got really really drunk and I was driving so i refused all alcohol. So this left me sober and observant. My husband was basically all over this man. Everyone else did not really notice because he was doing it in a quiet manner even though he was drunk, but I was being quietly observant. My husband would go up to this man friend of his and kiss him, hug him, and touch his bum. He also pinched his bum twice. Then the most worrying thing I saw was when they were both standing at the bar. My husband leaned in to tell this guy friend something and he put his hand down and cupped his friends genitals. I was sitting about 5 metres away and due to the angle I was sitting and line of sight, only I would have seen this. My husband had no idea I was watching. It was a quick movement but I have been wondering ever since if my husband is really and truly gay? He was more all over the men than the women (he knows i have no issue with him flirting, I am not funny like that at all). But this one particular male friend of his seems to be the object of his affection. Is he gay, or am I just reading far too much into this?
Mint Sauce Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 at least he's bisexual. These are not the actions of a straight guy. I see no other option than to confront him. 2
NervisPervis Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I see no other option than to confront him. Please let us know how that goes. He's gay. The no interest in sex for 16 months was enough for me. But cupping the balls of a guy he's been druling over all night? Gay.
kamani Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 You are not reading too much into this, I feel you have neglected this for too long. No sex for 16 months? And more sexless periods? Didn't you initiate and what was his reaction? I feel average, healthy husband will not wait this long without sex. On the other hand his actions towards his friend are not platonic at all. How dare he does these in front of you! There are more than enough red flags. However you cannot be sure without proof. Talk to him seriously.
AlexDP Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 There is not a heterosexual man on this EARTH that would touch another guy's junk. Agreed. It just does not happen. 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Your husband is not straight. These are not the actions of a straight man. Its not at all a bad thing to be gay or bisexual, however, he's been cheating on you which isn't acceptable at all. I would confront him on this cheating. The fact that he did it in front of you really makes me ill. It makes me wonder if he's been doing it all along. I don't care whether he is straight, gay or bisexual, but he is a cheater and this should be addressed. I would also have STD testing done. I can't imagine what you're going through though. I'm just so sorry.
Author LimeBlue Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. It is greatly appreciated to bounce this off other people and receive feedback - even if it is brutally honest feedback. Yes, 16 months. That was not a typo. There have been MANY periods of 6 months, 10 months, 12 months, 2 months of no sex as well. Many times I have initiated it only to have him literally turn his back on me and get out of bed. In fact this happened so many times I stopped trying to initiate. Once again, I never thought anything of it. And not being a person who openly talks to friends about things, I never received any feedback about what is normal or not. He is a narcissist as well. He is kind to me, but if i confront him he will shoot me down like a sack of potatoes. He has a way of changing words around which in turns puts the blame squarely on me (read about narcissism if you are unfamiliar with it). I have learned to deal with it for the most part, but not this part... I am a tenacious person who is NOT the yes sir, no sir girl, I am really strict and forthright when it comes to standing my ground - except in a situation like this. Every other area I call him on his bulldust, but this is something else altogether. I am also the type of person who believes in "each to their own". I am non judgmental and I am not anti gay at all. My greatest wish, is that if he is really gay, is that he tells me about it. I would honestly support him through it, I would not shun him for it. His mother is very anti gay, to her being gay is the greatest of sins (hubby and I are not religious so this aspect does not feature for us). So he would face terrible retribution from her and he is the mummies boy in the family. I keep thinking to myself that he was really drunk - but then i think to myself that even when drunk, surely he would not be touching his friends genitals? Am I right? Even though it was a very brief touch, but I know for fact what I saw... As for STD testing - I am not on birth control due to a few issues, so we always use condoms. But still, point taken and noted
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Being really drunk is no excuse for cheating on you - man or woman. Please don't think or pretend its the first time.
Mint Sauce Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 sorry for the brutally honest feedback, but you sound robust enough to take it. still, these must be tough times for you, but at least progress is on the horizon, whichever shape it takes. Worst case scenario is that those episodes of 12, 2, 8 months of no sex with you actually correspond to EMAs... Being drunk with low boundaries, a straight guy would be feeling up other women, not his best male friend... Kudos for supporting him in case he admits to being gay. Whether or not you accept his cheating is another topic, but his mum being so anti-gay should probably be taken into account.
Author LimeBlue Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Worst case scenario is that those episodes of 12, 2, 8 months of no sex with you actually correspond to EMAs... Forgive me, I am new to this forum thing - what is EMA?
Author LimeBlue Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Being drunk with low boundaries, a straight guy would be feeling up other women, not his best male friend... My thoughts as well... but he definitely intentionally touched his friends penis, without a shadow of a doubt. Even though he was trashed, which I also have no issue with as long as he does not drive - hence why I went with him as it was planned he would let loose and drink so I drove. He hardly ever drinks so no issues there on my part. But hmmm... I may go with him again if there is another party soon just to see... I usually stay home and let him go alone to his social functions.
Mint Sauce Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 EMA = extra-marital affair (maybe not a common acronym, should perhaps be EMR, extra-marital relationship). To rephrase: worst case scenario is that those periods correspond to him having an active homosexual relationship... sorry, it must hurt tremendously to think about such possibilities...
amaysngrace Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 At least you can stop thinking this has anything to do with you and your own desirability. That must have been awful for you to be rejected by your husband. I'm sorry.
NervisPervis Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I am also the type of person who believes in "each to their own". I am non judgmental and I am not anti gay at all. My greatest wish, is that if he is really gay, is that he tells me about it. I would honestly support him through it, I would not shun him for it. Of course you wouldn't. Not when we're all putting red = signs as our facebook profile pics. But being gay and not telling you about it? MARRYING you with that lie? You are a better person than me. I would have ZERO forgiveness. But then again, my facebook pic is still me and my son, so maybe I am a closet homophobe.
stillafool Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 OP I think you should confront your husband about what you saw him do to his friend. Why are you not saying anything to him about this?
NervisPervis Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Then the most worrying thing I saw was when they were both standing at the bar. My husband leaned in to tell this guy friend something and he put his hand down and cupped his friends genitals. I was sitting about 5 metres away and due to the angle I was sitting and line of sight, only I would have seen this. You know, I was thnking about it and I wouldn't even do this to a woman I was boffing. Not in public and surely not in front of my wife. I have no idea what this means.
Whatitistoburn Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I hate to be blunt but could it be an on going thing but you were just not aware because he was never this obvious? The fact that hes now doing it in public with you in the same room could mean he intended for you to see it for you to realize what is going on and for you yourself to end it because he cant bear to talk to you about it? Id suggest talking to him - be calm, understanding and not accusatory. That way he wont feel attacked. It is hard for him, too. Just as hard as it is for you. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Id be so broken if it happens to me.
Author LimeBlue Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 I have never thought of him having an affair as he is never away from home, nor is he ever late home from work. So I have no idea exactly when he would have such an affair - be it with a woman or man. But I guess it is entirely possible. If he is really gay, I don't think he has always known it. I really do believe this is a recent (when I say recent, I mean perhaps over the past two years) discovery he is realizing within himself. Or am I now really being a complete bonehead and fooling myself? Nervis I too was thinking about it, and even though he very very briefly touched his friend - I know what I saw, so does this mean he was drunk and it was a brief moment of insanity, or does this mean because he was drunk his threshold was much lower hence the swift movement with his hand? The most bizarre thing about the entire thing, is that I am really incredibly calm and collected about it. Almost as if it hurts less for him to leave me for another man than another woman. In fact, I don't even feel hurt, just completely confused and somewhat shocked by what I saw. I did show him the photos I took of him and his man friend. I don't have many, only a few I took of people on the night. He just shrugged his shoulders. The photos I have are not exactly evidence though, just of them standing together with their arms over each others shoulders, and my husband kissing his friend on the cheek (in a pronounced drunken manner - it was a posed shot). I really am confused about this I guess.
Mint Sauce Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 would him being gay also provide you with a clear and unquestionable reason to leave an unfulfilling marriage? Are you composed because you are in survival mode, or because you've known for a long time that it had to end sooner or later, and part of you is relieved that it will happen now, and for such an obvious reason?
pcplod Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) Kinsey scale Kinsey scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The Kinsey scale, also called the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, attempts to describe a person's sexual experience or response at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. In both the Male and Female volumes of the Kinsey Reports, an additional grade, listed as "X", was used for asexuality. It was first published in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) The bold/underline combination is mine. I think you are at least entirely entitled to ask. There is, of course, confrontation and confrontation, conflict or resolution, war or peace. I think the thing that would trouble me most would be the narcissism and unwillingness to communicate on even simple issues, never mind difficult ones. That makes dealing with any other issues, never mind the narcissism almost impossible. I suspect that the fundamental problem may well be that you are a mostly whole person from an emotional intelligence and maturity perspective, while he mostly is not and probably never will be. Another thought. What if you confront him, by whatever means, and he simply denies it, even though you confront him over what you witnessed? What if he just explains it away as drunken excess? The problem is that you might choose to believe that but he may well genuinely believe it. What then? There simply have to be people out there, both men and women, with bisexual or homosexual tendencies who will never act on it becuase a) it is not dominant enough within them for them not to be able to suppress any instinctive urge in favour of cultural and behaviorial suppression of those urges and b) who do not wish to have to face any potential social strife involved with being open about it, even just to themselves. Edited April 9, 2013 by pcplod
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 My greatest wish, is that if he is really gay, is that he tells me about it. I would honestly support him through it, I would not shun him for it. I'd have to assume you've at least thought about the possibilities and the future. "Support him" how? Within or outside your marriage? A gay individual acting upon his sexuality is having sex with men so, were you still married, your relationship would have to be open. Lots of potential consequences here... Mr. Lucky 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I'm so sorry, you find yourself having to deal with this. However, before you raise the issue or even hint at your suspicions, I would strongly encourage you to gather as much evidence as you can...as one should whenever there are clear signs a spouse might be cheating. It helps should he deny things, gaslight you, try to screw you over during a divorce, etc. Once he realizes you suspect, his first reflex will likely be to cover his tracks. As to why it now seems so obvious? Well, despite his longstanding disinterest in sex with you, you trusted him and remained completely oblivious until a friend finally asked you. Now you are looking at things through different eyes. Also cheaters get cocky about not being caught the longer infidelity continues. Perhaps he's gotten sloppier since you remain so trusting and seemingly unaware. I have never thought of him having an affair as he is never away from home, nor is he ever late home from work. So I have no idea exactly when he would have such an affair - be it with a woman or man. But I guess it is entirely possible. -yet- I usually stay home and let him go alone to his social functions. He works. You also don't commonly join him when he socializes. Unfortunately, he has plenty of opportunity to cheat if he so chooses. Would you know if he called in sick but spent the day elsewhere? Routinely spent his lunch hour at his friend's place? Started leaving work a half hour earlier on a regular basis? Met his friend instead of going to the gym or going on one of these social gatherings? Went on a "business" trip? I don't mean to make a difficult situation worse or add salt to a wound. Just understand, that cheaters always find a way and the time to do what they want to do extracurricularly. Yet another reason why you need to gather information first. When you finally ask him, you can see if what he admits to matches what you've discovered on your own. What you suspect might only be the tip of the iceberg. Good luck as you try to work through the challenges you face.
NervisPervis Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 There's no wining and dining and getting to know each other in gay casual sex hookups. In and out in 10 minutes. No, he didn't just realize he's gay. He knew it full well when he married you. I understand you being so calm about it. Most people here will tell you cheating is cheating. I'm sure I'd have a much better time with it if were a woman she was seeing. But the rub is he married you knowing he was gay. That's the big deception here. Sure, stand by him. It must be hard being gay in a homophobic world. But he cheated you out of a happily married and fulfilling marriage. Not cool. Not cool AT ALL. 1
NervisPervis Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Oh. I almost forgot. Go to a gay relationship website. I'm sre they are not too forgiving of gay men who deceive straight women to be used as beards. I'm guessing they'l give you the advice you need.
Nyla Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I watch lesbian porn and I am not a lesbian. There is a double standard with men watching gay porn. Your husband is at least bisexual and if he knew this before he married you, that is a a dirty trick. Gay Husbands / Straight Wives Marriage Specialist Bonnie Kaye This is a good website for your situation. Edited April 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed commercial url
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