Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I have not gone out in at least six months but decided one night to go to a concert for the heck of it. A random, good-looking guy casually started a conversation with me and we hung out most of the night and he seemed sweet. He asked me for my phone number and although I was reluctant, I gave it to him and he sent me a text right away so I could add him as a contact. I contemplated texting him the next day but decided against it. A few days later, he sent me a text me and we talked every day and night non-stop for about two weeks. We became facebook friends and obviously I checked out his pics and he checked out mine. In this time, I learned that not only was he a recovering addict, which did not bother me as much and I don't know why, but that he was pining over his ex-girlfriend who continues to use drugs. He seemed so fragile and I assumed he must have recently recovered from drug abuse, but when I asked him about it, he told me it had been three years. I was puzzled as to why he would still be wanting a girl that is not good and causes a lot of trouble for him (he told me this himself, I am not assuming this about her) and if that is the case, why did he ask for my number? The texts over the two weeks were both hot and cold but we finally decided to go on a date and it went really well. He said that I was even more beautiful in the light (the concert venue was dark) and more stunning than I appear in my facebook pictures, which he said was saying a lot because he thinks that I look good in my pics. We hung out and toward the end of the night, he kissed me and I just felt an overwhelming chemistry, a connection I have not felt in a long time. I just do not like dating and I do not like dealing with getting to know someone and all of that. I figured because I did feel something special and it seemed like the stars had aligned for us to meet, I would give it a chance. On my way home, he sent me a text to tell me how wonderful of an evening he had and how he really liked me a lot and all of that stuff. I was so happy and excited about the idea of us being able to spend more time together. Then, the next day, the hot and cold stuff started up again. First he asked me if I wanted to hang out again for that night and I said yes. But a few hours later, he text me to tell me that his family was considering buying property out of the country and that he would have to go the following day to check it out. And, he told me that if his family did buy this property (would be some kind of a business, his family already has another one that he works for and he seems to be doing well for himself), he would have to move there to run it. Then he was going on and on about how he didn’t know if he wanted to uproot his entire life, etc. Honestly, this is not the type of conversation that I want to be having after the first official date. I told him that we probably shouldn’t hang out then because he had a lot of things to figure out, but he insisted that I come over to his apartment. We hung out and watched movies and started making out on his couch. It was getting pretty intense but I gently put a stop to it, in a cute, reserved manner. We just cuddled and it felt so right. I haven’t felt like that in years because I just do not like anyone. Honestly, I have high standards and no one is ever good enough. I don’t know what it is about this guy, but he had me in the palm of his hand. On this date, it seemed like we connected even more, and he walked me to my car and kissed me a few times before I left. But on my ride home, I didn’t get the same kind of exciting texts from him that I had gotten the evening before. He almost seemed annoyed, but that could just be me reading into a text message the wrong way. Finally, the next day, he started with his hot, cold nonsense again and was talking about how his life was messed up and he didn’t know what he wanted. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I told him that I know he still wants his ex and I wish I could help him with that. His reply was short and he said he didn’t want her. Then I assumed maybe he was trying to tell me how he felt about me but didn’t know how. So, I gave him the chance and told him that I was reluctant to tell him how I feel because I don’t want to scare him away, but I’m afraid if I do not tell him, then that will push him away too. I was just going to tell him that I really liked him a lot and could see this going somewhere if we kept having such a good time. But I never got the chance because he ignored me and wasn’t even curious as to what I had to say. Later on, he sent me a text to complain about having to pack for his trip. He then sent me another text while he was at the airport and also while he was on the plane. Right before his plane took off, told me that he couldn’t text me as much as he would like to because I guess the international texting plan is different, but that he would talk to me on facebook chat. My question is why? Why does this guy want to talk to me at all? I am very educated and I also have street smarts; I know when someone is not into me or has emotional problems. Maybe he just doesn’t understand how he comes across, but he really hurt my feelings. The trouble is that I am still really hung up on him. All of my friends think I am crazy because I am good looking and successful, and they can’t understand why I would even give this guy another minute of my time. But what they don’t realize is that I just never seem to have chemistry with anyone. I am not trying to brag at all, but I have dated some of the hottest men out there and even brilliant men and a mix of both and still never felt the desire that I feel for this guy. I usually set the bar so high that most guys cannot even get to me, but for some reason, with this guy, I was willing to remove the bar altogether; he’s good-looking but nowhere near the caliber of guy that I usually date, he’s a college dropout, recovering addict, obsessed with some trashy girl and doesn’t have much going on. Part of me thinks it’s all just misguided emotions that I am mistaking for real feelings for him. And, another part of me thinks that because I am so used to guys wanting to rush things (another reason why I do not like dating), I am intrigued by his bipolar approach to me. His texts run so hot and cold it's like I am being taken on a ride. He'll spend most of his mornings complaining about life in general and how he is confused. Nothing I say seems to cheer him up. Then as the day progresses, his attitude changes and by the end of the evening, he seems head over heels for me. I have never experienced anything like this before. My question is this: do I give him another chance and talk to him when he contacts me again (there is no way I am contacting him first)? Or do I just ignore him going forward? Should I send one to two word replies to his texts until he gets the hint? I do not want to be rude, despite that I feel he has been that way toward me. I am assuming I will hear from him again, but I don't even know when he is due to return from his trip because he never even told me. Why did he even approach me at the concert and ask for my number? To torment me? Why did he invest two weeks and two dates and tell me that I was perfect and all of that nonsense, only to turn around and go cold? No one that I know seems to understand this at all. Does he have a mental problem? Is it because of the past drug abuse? I cannot wrap my head around it and I’m mad. This is why I do not go out or talk to men out in public, because I am afraid of having to deal with stuff like this. And how the heck do I get chemistry like this with someone normal? lol. I feel like I never like anyone. This would be so exciting to experience with someone who had their head screwed on straight. I'm really feeling very disappointed right now.
Archgirl Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Dude can I have the cliff notes? Seriously that's a freakin crapload of text. 2
Archgirl Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 From what I understand: 1) TL;DR 2) She likes a guy that's a former drug addict that is stuck on his ex-girlfriend who is a current drug addict. 3) OP dates the best men out there and likes this one the best. 4) She wants to know what to do. 1.) no kidding! 2.) As often happens 3.) ummmm 4.) It's simple op, just read point two in the above quote then run far and run fast. Possibly while throwing things behind you to confuse the trail. 2
aussietigerwolf Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 He thinks he should want you but wants his ex instead. Run... Run very fast.
Noproblem Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Well, you can be friends ...He seems like a nice guy except for his past ... I mean he seems like a nice guy, I liked him, don't know why !
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Yes, pheromones apparently do work, lol. That's the problem!! Because there are perfectly acceptable men that want to date me but I'm not attracted to them. I'm sorry the post was so long, but I figured it was better to get all of the details sorted out from the start, rather than have people asking me to explain it better and pick it apart. And yes, I should run. Normally, I would. I must be crazy. It is entirely chemical. This guy is is a mess!! I still haven't heard back from him since he's been on his trip (24 hours) so, maybe he'll just forget about me and my problem will be solved. He did compare me to his ex and said that I run circles around in her in every department. I guess he's stuck with bad habits because he is a former addict; I was trying to not judge him for that. Maybe there is a reason why I always stayed away from drug users my entire life, maybe this is the reason. I should have stuck to my rules, kept the bar high and continued to stay alone where it is safe. Do any guys out there have any advice as to what this guy could be thinking? Or is he not thinking. I've contemplated that he is brain damaged from the past drug use (I do not know what kind he used).
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Cliff notes for those who don't want to read the details: I never go out. A guy approached me. We talked for two weeks and dated twice. He fawned over me like I was the best thing in the world. But it turns out he is a recovering addict (three years) and still likes his loser ex girlfriend, but she doesn't want him. Yet, she'll play games with him. One day he likes me, the next he doesn't. I like him a lot but wish that I didn't. Isn't there some ancient remedy I can consume to forget about him? lol. 1
dasein Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 First, it seems you have an ultra high "looks hurdle" that will make finding the other qualities you seem to want more difficult. Consider realigning your priorities. Men who seek only the hottest women have the same issues. "Chemistry" is BS IMO, and an excuse people use to justify superficial preferences. Your preferences are what they are, but if they remain superficial, superficial results like this guy will continue to manifest. Don't see any brain damage here, but just the typical attractive guy trying to set up FWB type relationships without any real involvement. He is sending out all the contradictory signals in hopes that he can end up getting what he wants from the relationship without much involvement. He's full of caveats towards that end that will allow him control and to have an out when needed. This is a poor bet to make on your end if you are looking for a normal relationship. That's not evil, manipulative behavior on his part any more than it is when millions of other people do it today, it's simply on you to screen those out without regard to qualifiers such as "I rarely meet a man good looking enough to interest me." If that's the case, you can either continue that and have fewer options due to smaller pool and competition, or change your preferences over time. Most importantly, this guy and you are essentially strangers still, despite that a false sense of intimacy may have resulted from all the texting. Try to avoid that by not participating in such going forward, and you should find men who are interested in dating will make an effort to ask you out sooner. This guy claims to have all this baggage and family/business stuff going on, yet has time for tons of preliminary contact with new women? Doesn't add up. Truly busy but available people move straight to face-to-face and don't mess around with lots of time-wasting preliminaries. Else they don't date. Good luck. 1
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Thank you so much Dasein for your words of wisdom; they were exactly what I needed and I appreciate you taking the time to share them with me. I feel awkward discussing my looks, but they do play a part. Guys have thrown themselves at me my entire life and after awhile, I got scared of all of the bad ones that I ended up choosing; with that I just became a recluse and buried myself in my studies at school. And that's why I haven't been out in a long time. I decline invitations and just spend all of my time alone and studying. Then for some strange reason, I decide to go out and I meet this guy. I guess I desperately wanted to believe it was a serendipitous event and that it meant something. I just wanted to feel a connection again and the one that I felt, which was obviously false, felt really good and it gave me hope. I really do need to lower my expectations of what I want in a guy. Honestly, I used to be really difficult and like I said, I set the bar to unattainable. At this point, I don't care what a guy does for a living as long as he has a job, and I don't even care if he's not the most attractive guy, as long as we can make a real connection. But I feel like I am going to be looking for a needle in a haystack. The guys that are confident and cocky (or messed up in the head), are the only ones who seem to have the guts to talk to me. Maybe I should approach other people, but I'm just afraid; it's a product of always being fawned over. I definitely need to work on this. Again, thank you so much. I think I need to just get over this guy. I don't even know if I will hear from him ever again anyway. And even if I do, I kind of think he's just looking for something to bide his time while he wins back his ex. I think I deserve better than that.
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) Well, I'm a science major and I can promise you that just because we haven't been able to map the particular set of compounds responsible for our "pheromones" or chemical connections, it does not prove that they do not exist. Hypotheses are the beginning of every major scientific breakthrough and nothing should be discounted until evidence proves otherwise; research continues in this field and although we haven't figured it all out yet, there is some evidence that we have chemical relationships with humans that cannot be explained at this juncture in time. We cannot say with certainty that we do not know something does not exist just because it has not been found; we can postulate that there is a possibility and hope to one day prove or disprove our initial ideas. That's where the scientific method comes in and it can take a lifetime to achieve results. But to better understand where I am coming from, leaving pheromones out, I was just excited that a down to earth, not so arrogant jerk was actually interested in me. I felt like we could have a real connection, but obviously I was just a conquest. He saw me and was challenged, I took the bait and then he was like ehhh... Thank goodness I didn't sleep with him or I would even be more upset than I am. Edited April 8, 2013 by Socratesisapunk Spelling error
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Or maybe I should sleep with him and never talk to him again, lol. Beat him to the punch. Then he'll pine over me the way I am pining over him. While it sounds fun, revenge is also not the answer. I was just happy to get out from behind the walls of academia and into the arms of someone who felt good. Someone who I thought saw something in me. I just wish that he had never approached me at all and my life would have been the same and I wouldn't have even cared about any of this stuff. Now that I've been bitten with smitten, I can't get it out of my head.
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) I'm definitely not getting pregnant, lol. I'm infertile. I also wouldn't have sex without a condom; that's scary. And I said it wasn't a good idea. Just playing with my thoughts. Edited April 8, 2013 by Socratesisapunk Adding to the post
dasein Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Still in school and in science? Well good on you for being something of a recluse. Wish I had done more of that in the day. Congrats on not being just another hot party scene girl, quality people you will want down the road will appreciate your choices and it will put you ahead of the pack. 1
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Thank you again Dasein. Yes, I'm a biology major, at a state university; it's a 5 year combo program and I will begin the graduate portion soon. I do not date because I just don't have time. I'm not fresh out of high school, so I am not new to the real world. I definitely would never date anyone on campus because they're all too immature. I went to that rock concert just to get out and let off some steam because I have been trapped in a lab for so long, I thought it was time that I enjoy myself. I feel like it was a giant mistake because look what I got myself into. I need to go back to focusing on my studies, and someone proper will be out there for me when I'm finished with school. Your advice and outlook are heartfelt and wise. I really appreciate that you have shared your thoughts with me. My only true love has ever been science and it is the one thing that hasn't let me down yet. Back to the lab for me, lol. 1
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 It appears all of these comments that I replied to were deleted and now it appears as though I am having a conversation with myself. Oh forums, lol.
FitChick Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Don't get involved with an addict unless they have been sober for at least five years.
Imajerk17 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) Well, I don't know what else to tell you OP except to say that you are the one to blame here. You've met nice guys who had a lot going for them and you rejected them. You meet a guy who has all these issues and you let him in. I'm not sure even why you are "confused" about this guy. He was pretty clear about who he was from the beginning. That isn't to say that he doesn't have a good heart. But most people with addictions tend to be emotional and run hot and cold as he does. His actions seem pretty consistent with how he represented himself actually. So I guess my question for you would be: How did you and this guy connect (not how you met--you already explained that--but what about him drew you to him)? What did he do differently from the guys you rejected? Many many women will hear a guy's tale of woe and pain and feel the desire to try to "save" him. Edited April 8, 2013 by Imajerk17
Drseussgrrl Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Well, I don't know what else to tell you OP except to say that you are the one to blame here. You've met nice guys who had a lot going for them and you rejected them. You meet a guy who has all these issues and you let him in. I'm not sure even why you are "confused" about this guy. He was pretty clear about who he was from the beginning. That isn't to say that he doesn't have a good heart. But most people with addictions tend to be emotional and run hot and cold as he does. His actions seem pretty consistent with how he represented himself actually. So I guess my question for you would be: How did you and this guy connect (not how you met--you already explained that--but what about him drew you to him)? What did he do differently from the guys you rejected? Many many women will hear a guy's tale of woe and pain and feel the desire to try to "save" him. The answer to this is simple. He's keeping you off-kilter which can be quite addicting waiting for that next high. Also - you want what you can't have.
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) So I guess my question for you would be: How did you and this guy connect (not how you met--you already explained that--but what about him drew you to him)? What did he do differently from the guys you rejected? Many many women will hear a guy's tale of woe and pain and feel the desire to try to "save" him. I don't want to save anyone, lol. I'm a science major with a lot going for me and I don't even have time to date. I didn't expect this to happen, which is why it got to me so much. I guess I assumed because the first night I decide to go out and have some fun, I met someone. I thought it was destiny. Maybe I've watched too many romance movies. What drew me in initially is that he has the most beautiful blue eyes that I have ever seen. He just has these soft, sweet features. He asked me if I wanted some water when we were at the venue, and I found that to be very gentleman like because it showed he cared (we both don't drink, I don't have a problem with alcohol, I just don't like it). We had music in common; we both like punk rock, which is odd for a scientist. I don't find many people in my field who like the same things that I do. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He just made me feel good and I liked it. That was it. There really wasn't anything spectacularly noticeable that drew me in. It was just chemistry. I say that because I can't explain it otherwise. As for other men I've met in the past, just because they weren't recovering addicts doesn't mean they were right for me. If I don't feel an attraction to someone, regardless of whether or not they are really handsome or successful, then I can't fake it just for their looks or money. I was willing to set aside my high standards (which no one ever meets anyway), because I really liked this guy. I set high standards because I'm afraid. That's it in a nutshell. As for my confusion, I was confused as to what to do next. Like should I just ignore him or leave the door open? And I wanted a guy's perspective as to whether or not he was playing games, but you cleared it up as being typical addict behavior. Edited April 8, 2013 by Socratesisapunk Adding to post.
outsidethebox Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Some of the most insightful introspection I've seen here, OP, as well as insightful comments from others. Hopefully you have further thoughts to share and not just on this guy.
ses Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 What I found disconcerting about your posts was the emphasis on "high standards." There's nothing wrong with having expectations for a relationship, but bragging that nobody can meet your standards is a red flag. Everyone is scared to get hurt; that's normal and a part of life. Nobody is perfect, including yourself. You learn to work through weaknesses to develop a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship. Expecting someone to meet your extensive checklist will leave you bitter and disappointed. No man or woman wants someone to be with someone who's high-maintenance. It's just too damn exhausting and way too much work.
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 What I found disconcerting about your posts was the emphasis on "high standards." There's nothing wrong with having expectations for a relationship, but bragging that nobody can meet your standards is a red flag. Everyone is scared to get hurt; that's normal and a part of life. Nobody is perfect, including yourself. You learn to work through weaknesses to develop a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship. Expecting someone to meet your extensive checklist will leave you bitter and disappointed. No man or woman wants someone to be with someone who's high-maintenance. It's just too damn exhausting and way too much work. Well, like I have said previously, I am a product of conditioning. I am very attractive (I feel uncomfortable to say it, but I know it to be true because of what others have told me my entire life) and I am well-educated and successful; from what I hear, those two do not usually pair up. So, I don't think it's entirely ridiculous of an idea for me to have high standards. However, by virtue of the fact that I have given a chance to a recovering addict proves that I am willing to bend and lower my standards. I set my standards high as a form of protection against people who could exploit the wonderful things that I have going for myself; maybe that is not a great idea, but so far, it's all I have to work with. I am not high-maintenance and I do not expect a potential mate to provide anything for me other than honesty, love and chemistry; this doesn't mean that I am going to go looking for it at an NA meeting or a gas pump. I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend. I was happy being a recluse and spending my time with science. Then along came this guy and he entered my life because he chose to talk to me. He knew whether or not he was ready to date or get involved with someone and he chose to approach me in a big crowd. I saw something in him and decided to take it a step further. I am not expecting much from the guy - a little less hot and cold would be nice, but as someone else has pointed out, it's typical addict behavior and now I understand that. I do not find myself to be perfect in anyway and I am constantly reminded of my flaws. I am willing to work with this guy if I can know that he is not going to destroy me. It's easy to say that none of us can truly know for sure whether or not we will be hurt, but I wonder if this is a more high-risk chance than normal and would it be akin to setting myself up for failure? Also, he does deserve a second chance because he has been clean for many years and it would terrible of me to say that I couldn't date him only because he is in recovery. But I also do not want to play second fiddle to the ex who supposedly dumped him, which I gather was because he got clean and she didn't. In the end, what I was hoping to gain from asking advice was, umm...actual advice and not personal attacks. I am not the drug addict or the one who is pining over an ex. I am just a girl who was standing in a crowd at a rock concert. I was wooed by a guy who for some reason left an impact on me and now he is hot and cold and all over the place with his feelings. I just wanted some insight and perspective on the situation and to figure out whether or not it is worth my time.
Author Socratesisapunk Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Some of the most insightful introspection I've seen here, OP, as well as insightful comments from others. Hopefully you have further thoughts to share and not just on this guy. Thank you. I would enjoy continuing to be a part of the forum and helping others to gain insight as well. I do not usually go around asking for advice, but for this one, I felt stuck. I feel like while I should know better, and know exactly what to do, I am unfortunately in a position where I just don't...
ffw Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I don't want to save anyone, lol. I'm a science major with a lot going for me and I don't even have time to date. I didn't expect this to happen, which is why it got to me so much. I guess I assumed because the first night I decide to go out and have some fun, I met someone. I thought it was destiny. Maybe I've watched too many romance movies. What drew me in initially is that he has the most beautiful blue eyes that I have ever seen. He just has these soft, sweet features. He asked me if I wanted some water when we were at the venue, and I found that to be very gentleman like because it showed he cared (we both don't drink, I don't have a problem with alcohol, I just don't like it). We had music in common; we both like punk rock, which is odd for a scientist. I don't find many people in my field who like the same things that I do. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He just made me feel good and I liked it. That was it. There really wasn't anything spectacularly noticeable that drew me in. It was just chemistry. I say that because I can't explain it otherwise. As for other men I've met in the past, just because they weren't recovering addicts doesn't mean they were right for me. If I don't feel an attraction to someone, regardless of whether or not they are really handsome or successful, then I can't fake it just for their looks or money. I was willing to set aside my high standards (which no one ever meets anyway), because I really liked this guy. I set high standards because I'm afraid. That's it in a nutshell. As for my confusion, I was confused as to what to do next. Like should I just ignore him or leave the door open? And I wanted a guy's perspective as to whether or not he was playing games, but you cleared it up as being typical addict behavior. Wow, lots of "I"... Talk about high standards. Does high standard means rejecting hot, brilliant guys & accepting a recovering addict guy who is obessed with his ex-gf?
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