DannyMason Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Hey, Love Shackers, I'm in a bit of a situation. I have reason to expect that within the next year or two my Dad will disown me and I'd like to prevent or prepare for this outcome. Basically, I've been forced to live a lie for the past four or five years related to my academics and I don't think the facade can hold much longer. I'm 25 years old and still an undergraduate after 8 years of schooling, working towards a BS in Biology. I'm almost completely financially dependant on my father, who pays my tuition and helps support me. Dad believes a lot of delusional things about my education and career prospects. He believes that I'm on the verge of graduating with two PhDs, with nearly perfect grades, from a nearly Ivy League caliber school, where immediately upon graduation I will become a professor. Believe it or not, these aren't lies I fed him; Dad came up with most of those ideas on his own, or through horrendous misunderstandings of things I said. Truth is, my school doesn't even have a PhD program. My GPA is only 2.3. My school is obscure and has no prestige at all. And, of course, academic jobs are scarce and you typically have to move a bunch of times before you get tenure, assuming you even make it. For a while, when he started believing those Looney Tunes things about my academics and career outcomes, I took pains to correct him. However, even with me explicitly telling him those things are not true, he continued believing them anyway. I had to correct all of those stupid ideas over and over again, but it never did any good. Dad decided what he wanted to believe and no amount of me telling him the truth was going to change his mind. Back in 2009, Dad and I simultaneously developed apparent severe heart problems. I decided to give up trying to correct him in case I died in the near term future. That way he could remember me as the idealized son of his delusions. If Dad died he'd go to the grave thinking highly of me and I could use the inheritance money to rebuild my shattered life. Instead I got the one outcome I never expected; 4-5 years later, we're both still alive and apparently reasonably healthy. Obviously after 4-5 years of my graduation constantly being postponed, Dad is starting to wonder why I'm still in school. I'm running out of excuses. Even though my double life is essentially Dad's fault - I did try over and over to tell him the truth - I don't expect him to take the revelation well. Dad's threatened to disown me over much lesser offenses than this. I might lose everything. Does anyone have any advice? I'm so deficient in basic life skills due to Dad isolating and coddling me that I don't feel equipped to survive on my own. How can I survive if the worst happens and Dad disowns me?
january2011 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Learn to cook (internet) Learn to how to draw up a household budget (internet) Get a job (internet, local job agency, uni job board) Find a place to live (internet, uni housing department, student bulletin board) Your dad is not going to be around forever. So you will need to learn this anyway. Alternatively, is there a professor at uni that you can confide in? I can't imagine how they've managed to let you continue studying the same BS degree for eight years without someone checking up on you. There might also be a student welfare officer. Spend an afternoon or day on the internet and do some research. 1
Janesays Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Quit blaming this on your Dad. It's not his fault you lied to him. (And willingly let him believe things that weren't true) 1
WhoreyBull Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Instead I got the one outcome I never expected; 4-5 years later, we're both still alive and apparently reasonably healthy. ... Even though my double life is essentially Dad's fault ... How can I survive if the worst happens and Dad disowns me? Seems like you've been winning the blame game for a while... unfortunately I don't think you'll like the prize you get for going to the final round. How exactly in the 4-5 years of you still living have you not graduated? I say it's about damn time your Father "disowns" you, although seeing how you are both incredibly co-dependent I doubt he will. Who cares if you lied about your degree or whatever... What sort of lies have you been telling yourself that you've been able to stay in this arrested development?
clia Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Why haven't you managed to get your bachelor's degree after 8 years? That isn't your dad's fault, is it? Your story makes no sense. How can I survive if the worst happens and Dad disowns me? Do what every other 25 year old does -- get a job. 2
Author DannyMason Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Learn to cook (internet) Learn to how to draw up a household budget (internet) Get a job (internet, local job agency, uni job board) Find a place to live (internet, uni housing department, student bulletin board) Thanks. These are good tips. Alternatively, is there a professor at uni that you can confide in? I can't imagine how they've managed to let you continue studying the same BS degree for eight years without someone checking up on you. There might also be a student welfare officer. Maybe. There's a professor who took 25 years to get his PhD. I've drafted an email to send to him, but I've been hesitant to send it because I feel so humiliated by how everything turned out.
Els Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Graduate ASAP, then get a job in your related field. Poof, financial independence. Honestly, if you've been in college for eight years and you still have a year or two of 'grace time' before your dad's support runs out, I don't see how the finances should be an issue. Why can you not graduate by then? What has been holding you up for the past eight years? 2
amaysngrace Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Wait...you were banking on your dad dying by now so that you could live off of your inheritance? Who does that???? 1
Els Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Wait...you were banking on your dad dying by now so that you could live off of your inheritance? Who does that???? WTF. Yeah, I totally missed that. :confused::confused:
Author DannyMason Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Wait...you were banking on your dad dying by now so that you could live off of your inheritance? Who does that???? I didn't see much of a choice about it. We were both having bad heart problems. It wasn't really about Dad dying specifically, but which of us died first generally. If Dad died, I could afford medical care for my own heart problems. If I died, it didn't really matter. I was just waiting on the outcome.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 This has got to be one of the best troll-threads I've seen. 3
amaysngrace Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I didn't see much of a choice about it. We were both having bad heart problems, it wasn't really about Dad dying specifically, but which of us died first generally. If Dad died, I could afford medical care for my own heart problems. If I died, it didn't really matter. I was just waiting on the outcome. Well that was a bad plan obviously. If I were you I would stop being so reliant on your father and start standing on your own two feet. It's time to see what is within your power to change and change it. Still I can't help to think that some of the blame you lay on your dad partially comes from the simple fact that he's still alive. And it's really disturbing.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 .... Still I can't help to think that some of the blame you lay on your dad partially comes from the simple fact that he's still alive. And it's really disturbing. Yeah. That is truly bloody inconsiderate. fancy living longer than required. That's just spiteful. 3
Author DannyMason Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) Well that was a bad plan obviously. If I were you I would stop being so reliant on your father and start standing on your own two feet. It's time to see what is within your power to change and change it. I've been trying to do this, but it has been kind of hard working through my weight problems and then writing my book so that if I died I would have had some kind of accomplishment even if the rest of my life didn't go so well. Still I can't help to think that some of the blame you lay on your dad partially comes from the simple fact that he's still alive. And it's really disturbing. No, I mainly blame Dad for years and years of emotional abuse, for deliberately ignoring my depression, for his deceitful agenda-tinged promises, for refusing to help me or even just be there for me when I was having heart problems, for taking complete control over every aspect of my life, and probably some other things. I don't blame him for "being alive", exactly, but I do resent his constant claim to be dying when in retrospect it's pretty obvious that he was just emotionally blackmailing me into sticking around to tolerate more abuse. Edited April 8, 2013 by DannyMason
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 What he does is his problem. How you process it, is yours. You don't 'process' it by complicating matters even more and lying, deceiving and stealing from him, then blaming him for it all. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Quit 'projecting'. It doesn't wash with us.
Author DannyMason Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 What he does is his problem. How you process it, is yours. You don't 'process' it by complicating matters even more and lying, deceiving and stealing from him, then blaming him for it all. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. What should I have done instead of what I did do? Quit 'projecting'. I don't see what projection has to do with this.
todreaminblue Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Hey, Love Shackers, I'm in a bit of a situation. I have reason to expect that within the next year or two my Dad will disown me and I'd like to prevent or prepare for this outcome. Basically, I've been forced to live a lie for the past four or five years related to my academics and I don't think the facade can hold much longer. I'm 25 years old and still an undergraduate after 8 years of schooling, working towards a BS in Biology. I'm almost completely financially dependant on my father, who pays my tuition and helps support me. Dad believes a lot of delusional things about my education and career prospects. He believes that I'm on the verge of graduating with two PhDs, with nearly perfect grades, from a nearly Ivy League caliber school, where immediately upon graduation I will become a professor. Believe it or not, these aren't lies I fed him; Dad came up with most of those ideas on his own, or through horrendous misunderstandings of things I said. Truth is, my school doesn't even have a PhD program. My GPA is only 2.3. My school is obscure and has no prestige at all. And, of course, academic jobs are scarce and you typically have to move a bunch of times before you get tenure, assuming you even make it. For a while, when he started believing those Looney Tunes things about my academics and career outcomes, I took pains to correct him. However, even with me explicitly telling him those things are not true, he continued believing them anyway. I had to correct all of those stupid ideas over and over again, but it never did any good. Dad decided what he wanted to believe and no amount of me telling him the truth was going to change his mind. Back in 2009, Dad and I simultaneously developed apparent severe heart problems. I decided to give up trying to correct him in case I died in the near term future. That way he could remember me as the idealized son of his delusions. If Dad died he'd go to the grave thinking highly of me and I could use the inheritance money to rebuild my shattered life. Instead I got the one outcome I never expected; 4-5 years later, we're both still alive and apparently reasonably healthy. Obviously after 4-5 years of my graduation constantly being postponed, Dad is starting to wonder why I'm still in school. I'm running out of excuses. Even though my double life is essentially Dad's fault - I did try over and over to tell him the truth - I don't expect him to take the revelation well. Dad's threatened to disown me over much lesser offenses than this. I might lose everything. Does anyone have any advice? I'm so deficient in basic life skills due to Dad isolating and coddling me that I don't feel equipped to survive on my own. How can I survive if the worst happens and Dad disowns me? you will learn, it will be hard but you will learn take the advice offered about maybe getting a part time job.....dont knock the accomplishments you do achieve because they dotn live up to your dads ideals for you....dotn wait for him to disown you,come clean now , dont have that hanging over your head you are thinking worse case scenario,so talk to your dad be open and honest.......hold your head up adn face him....i did it i was scared crapless.....he disowned em his lvoe was conditional on my success...i think beign a mum is a success we differ in opinion....he has his life ......i have mine...i survived......i never depended on him for money ...once i left home i was basically on my own.i was a teen.....you can do it too......i made many mistakes you live and learn I also had successes that were allll mine........best wishes....talk to your dad, you might be surprised at what eventuates.....hugs....deb
Els Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 This has got to be one of the best troll-threads I've seen. Unfortunately I'm not even sure it's a troll, because all his other threads make sense in light of this one. He could be a GOOD troll, but.... 1
Author DannyMason Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 you will learn, it will be hard but you will learn take the advice offered about maybe getting a part time job.....dont knock the accomplishments you do achieve because they dotn live up to your dads ideals for you....dotn wait for him to disown you,come clean now , dont have that hanging over your head you are thinking worse case scenario,so talk to your dad be open and honest.......hold your head up adn face him....i did it i was scared crapless.....he disowned em his lvoe was conditional on my success...i think beign a mum is a success we differ in opinion....he has his life ......i have mine...i survived......i never depended on him for money ...once i left home i was basically on my own.i was a teen.....you can do it too......i made many mistakes you live and learn I also had successes that were allll mine........best wishes....talk to your dad, you might be surprised at what eventuates.....hugs....deb Thanks, Deb. I'm thinking about it, but I'm not necessarily sure when or how I might talk to him. Unfortunately I'm not even sure it's a troll, because all his other threads make sense in light of this one. He could be a GOOD troll, but.... Nope, I'm legit, sorry.
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 What should I have done instead of what I did do? Telling the truth and facing up to him would have been better. I don't see what projection has to do with this. No. Those whose fault it is, but insist on blaming others for everything, never do.
Wolfcub Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Dad's threatened to disown me over much lesser offenses than this. I might lose everything. Does anyone have any advice? I'm so deficient in basic life skills due to Dad isolating and coddling me that I don't feel equipped to survive on my own. If he threatened to disown you, but did not, chances are that he will not do it this time also. Useless as you are, your dad probably will be more lonely without you. And old and ill (the heart problems you mentioned). Pull up you big boy pants, about time. People of your age get married and have children, you have only you to manage. And its not your dad's fault that you don't learn - in life or at school. working through my weight problems Google "paleo diet" and "Primal blueprint" - has helped many. and then writing my book so that if I died I would have had some kind of accomplishment A book? :laugh: Who reads books these days? (believe me, I graduated as a librarian, but changed career completely) You undertook to graduate, do it! That has to be your acomplishment. If you had talent for writing, you wouldn't need 8 years for 1 book and it would be a world bestseller already by now. 8 years is an enermous bit of time!
Author DannyMason Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Telling the truth and facing up to him would have been better. Telling him the truth about what, exactly? Google "paleo diet" and "Primal blueprint" - has helped many. I meant that I've already lost the weight. If you had talent for writing, you wouldn't need 8 years for 1 book and it would be a world bestseller already by now. 8 years is an enermous bit of time! It only took me one year to write the book, dude and it didn't interfere with my schoolwork at all. Actually, I made my best grades during the process of writing the book.
TaraMaiden Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Telling him the truth about what, exactly? THIS Bullschytt: Obviously after 4-5 years of my graduation constantly being postponed, Dad is starting to wonder why I'm still in school. I'm running out of excuses. Even though my double life is essentially Dad's fault Which it is most assuredly NOT - - I did try over and over to tell him the truth - I don't expect him to take the revelation well. You didn't try hard enough, because him believing it suited you. If you'd really wanted to be honest, you would have dropped out ages ago and found a job. Something you are going to have to do now anyway. Your dad believed what he believed because ultimately, it actually suited you to let him believe it.
clia Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I still want to know why you don't have your Bachelor's degree after 8 years in college. What is the hold up? When are you expected to graduate?
SoleMate Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Danny, you should take the focus OFF your relationship with your father - which seems to consume all your thoughts - and put it ON yourself and your life. This will basically require you to reverse and unlearn the patterns of a lifetime so it is not an easy task. DON'T even let your father factor in to your next decision. DON'T ever provide him any excuses or explanations. DON'T ask him what he thinks or wonder how he'll react. DON'T even consider whether you'll be disowned or not. DON'T attempt to justify yourself to him...even in your head! Just think, plan, and decide like an independent adult. For instance, if you're close to the degree, then go ahead and finish if you can do so with resources currently available. If you can't, then you may as well drop out because frankly, a B.S. in Biology from a no-name college is a degree with very little value. Lab tech at $18 an hour maybe, very boring work at best. Get a real job and work a year or two. That right there, for you, would be a tremendous accomplishment and source of personal growth. Here's your first exercise: In your next post, DON'T mention or even allude to your father. He's not going to be a factor any more, remember?
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