My gf lied to me about something small.. Next step?

[ali_g]

So long story short my gf told me a few "white lies".

 

She left her fb open at my apartment and I saw her semi-flirting with another guy (that I knew she had met before we were together).

 

I bottled it up and then one day when she sensed I was off I asked her in the heat of the argument if she had been messaging with any other dudes in the last week or so....

She REPEATEDLY told me she isn't, as far as she can remember... I told her to go check her communication tools (phone, facebook, Skype, etc) and see if she could find something worth mentioning to me. She said OK. I told her if she lied to me then we would be done.

 

I told her I think she's lying. She asked me if I trust her. I told her not on little things (I trust her on big things such as cheating) She said that she's gonna try to work to be more trustworthy.

 

Yesterday she showed me her facebook.. (she had deleted the convo with the guy). I didn't give a reaction. I know she would never admit to something "considered" bad such as lying.

I hate the fact that I'm being passed as "making a big deal out of nothing" or "overly-jealous", when honestly it could have all been fine if she had just admitted to it.

 

Break up or no break up?... Considering...

No Break up:

- She is a great girl otherwise. Honestly in today's society they seem hard to find. I also know she's into me... and she does lots of stuff for me (buys me presents, cooks for me, kinky sex surprises, etc.)

- I've planned many things in the summer with her and I would rather go through with those plans and have a fun time, than have to remake plans (find other people to go on vacation with, etc) (this is the main one... I can always break up after)

- I could also not give too much thought on this and continue looking for other girls in the meanwhile. (I.e. consider it over just keep her around for the sex comfort and experience)

- She asked me to just give her time and she'll show to me that she's 100% trustworthy.

 

Break up:

- Well she lied to me... and threw dirt on my face after. Honestly at this point I won't be able to tell a truth from a lie anymore...

- I caught her once... No idea how many times she might have lied to me besides that.

- The thing that concerns me the most is that she's almost doing this without consciousness.

- I can call her OUT on exactly what happened and keep my pride intact (although I believe pride is a stupid thing)

- I hate drama and this is all bringing a "controlling" side of me that I don't like.

 

... Finally I could also ask for just a small 1 / 2 week break, to see if she will change her mind...

..HELP!..

Edited April 8, 2013 by ali_g

[AverageCat]

Tough call.

 

IMO, if you can detach yourself from her and just keep being fun while keeping your other options open / seeing other girls, it will work best.

 

Also by the looks of this thread you're thinking of it too much. Either way you decide take some time off her to focus on other things. You seem way too dependent on her.

[Noproblem]

What's wrong in talking with other guys, she lies because you can't trust her

 

[Djz05]

Tough call.

 

IMO, if you can detach yourself from her and just keep being fun while keeping your other options open / seeing other girls, it will work best.

 

Also by the looks of this thread you're thinking of it too much. Either way you decide take some time off her to focus on other things. You seem way too dependent on her.

 

Im sorry but A lie to my face is just it for me. Play her game and just use her. Then find someone else while your at it. I've seen how small lies eventually turn into bigger lies so that is just something I wouldnt risk.

 

But then love conquers all, if you think you she's worth it, then try and make it work. It might have been harmless flirting, and shes scared how upset you would be if you found out so she lied. When you love someone then you must learn to trust them, unconditionally if you can.

[ali_g]

What's wrong in talking with other guys, she lies because you can't trust her

 

 

If a guy is asking you out and you're all flirty txting with him.... you think there is nothing wrong?

 

If so that is fine really. But why lie to me then?

 

Lying implies that SHE THINKS SHE HAS DONE SOMETHING WRONG. I have almost always been nonjudgmental and have told her that anything she needs (i.e. I know she likes attention) she can talk to me about it and we can try to communicate and understand each other.... so why lie?

 

Honestly, I really don't believe in right and wrong. There's just points of views. So if she comes up to me and tells me:

- You know what, I really need to feel desired by guys hence I am keeping guys X, Y & Z as orbiters by just being nice/txt-flirting with them.

 

Id be like HALLE ****ING LUJAH. She's being honest with her needs. We can be a team now.

But when she doesn't even know why she is doing it AND/OR she is lying to me about it... then I have a problem.

[Noproblem]

If a guy is asking you out and you're all flirty txting with him.... you think there is nothing wrong?

 

If so that is fine really. But why lie to me then?

 

Lying implies that SHE THINKS SHE HAS DONE SOMETHING WRONG. I have almost always been nonjudgmental and have told her that anything she needs (i.e. I know she likes attention) she can talk to me about it and we can try to communicate and understand each other.... so why lie?

 

Honestly, I really don't believe in right and wrong. There's just points of views. So if she comes up to me and tells me:

- You know what, I really need to feel desired by guys hence I am keeping guys X, Y & Z as orbiters by just being nice/txt-flirting with them.

 

Id be like HALLE ****ING LUJAH. She's being honest with her needs. We can be a team now.

But when she doesn't even know why she is doing it AND/OR she is lying to me about it... then I have a problem.

 

I'm only discussing the concept

maybe she doesn't tell you, because you are over protective or a the jealous type

 

Depending on the sort of things she talks with other guys

you said a little bit flirting ...so we can't really know what their conversations were ...it could be so honest, but she hide them because she knows you'd be upset

Or it could be not so honest and she hide them because she is going to cheat

[ali_g]

I'm only discussing the concept

maybe she doesn't tell you, because you are over protective or a the jealous type

 

Depending on the sort of things she talks with other guys

you said a little bit flirting ...so we can't really know what their conversations were ...it could be so honest, but she hide them because she knows you'd be upset

Or it could be not so honest and she hide them because she is going to cheat

 

You can find the convo in one of my previous threads!.

 

It's pretty much just being playful and teasing while he's asking to buy her a drink and she's teasing back.

[Djz05]

I would advice to let it simmer for awhile. Emotions can muddle the issue. When you think everything has cooled down somewhat, talk to her and tell her you had an issue about her lying. This could be a defining moment in your relationship and could make you both stronger for it.

 

Yes she may have had something to hide, but you have to look in yourself and think "if she were to tell you everything, would you still be willing to make it work" or "would you rather she not let it all out and keep it hidden, if you feel you cant risk the fallout of any revelations".

 

I've come to realize that people may have skeletons in their closets that they want to hide. I have realized that people WILL lie to protect themselves and others. I now know its too much to assume that people will be honest 100% all the time, so I make it a point to tell my friends and family I would be hurt more if they lied to me than to tell me the cold brutal honest truth and remind them i will never JUDGE them for whatever they say.

 

So take your time, and if you feel like giving her a chance do it.

[ali_g]

I would advice to let it simmer for awhile. Emotions can muddle the issue. When you think everything has cooled down somewhat, talk to her and tell her you had an issue about her lying. This could be a defining moment in your relationship and could make you both stronger for it.

 

Yes she may have had something to hide, but you have to look in yourself and think "if she were to tell you everything, would you still be willing to make it work" or "would you rather she not let it all out and keep it hidden, if you feel you cant risk the fallout of any revelations".

 

I've come to realize that people may have skeletons in their closets that they want to hide. I have realized that people WILL lie to protect themselves and others. I now know its too much to assume that people will be honest 100% all the time, so I make it a point to tell my friends and family I would be hurt more if they lied to me than to tell me the cold brutal honest truth and remind them i will never JUDGE them for whatever they say.

 

So take your time, and if you feel like giving her a chance do it.

 

I do feel like giving her a chance but I really DO WANT TO KNOW what's going on in her mind. I honestly think she's just afraid that I might hurt her so she is just keeping her options open.

 

I've told her numerous times that I would be willing to work through with anything (and I expect the same from her). We're humans and we're bound to have needs, desires, etc. that sometimes are inexplicable.

 

I really don't understand... I don't understand at all. And this not understanding turns into frustration... And it's ****ing hurting like a bitch.

 

Yesterday when I told her I thought she was lying she started crying and said she couldn't understand why there has to be problems even though she is so into this.

 

And then my mind starts racing and I don't even know if I can believe to her anymore... about anything...

 

On the other hand, I really believe she's attached to me.

- She calls me every day, txts every day, tries to see me as much as possible (I'm usually the one that has to turn her down, cuz Im busy).

- She gets jealous about other girls/things.

- She tries to surprise me / seduce me / do things to make me happy.

- She`s told me she sometimes is afraid of all this since she thinks she`s so caught up in this and she is afraid it`s not gonna end well.

[Radu]

I hope you're using condoms.

[ChessPieceFace]

Same advice I usually give. She's not trustworthy and it's a terrible sign but we can't tell you you should end it because it's not our lives and you're the one that stands to lose either way. I'd advise keeping tabs on her now that she's given you cause. It's BS to have to live that way but what can I say. Either surveillance or breakup. Burying your head in the sand is just being a chump.

[ali_g]

Same advice I usually give. She's not trustworthy and it's a terrible sign but we can't tell you you should end it because it's not our lives and you're the one that stands to lose either way. I'd advise keeping tabs on her now that she's given you cause. It's BS to have to live that way but what can I say. Either surveillance or breakup. Burying your head in the sand is just being a chump.

 

I have to say I am SURE she hasn't cheated on me.

 

The other thing is that I don't think confronting her with any of it will help. (and I still did it kind of, I am a dumbass). Confronting is just telling her she did wrong. What will come out of that? Just bad emotions.

 

Instead I have to choose one of 2 game plans.

1. Break up.

2. Not break up. And make her fall all over me. I wanna make her want this so badly...

[ali_g]

....kinky sex surprises

 

 

Like what?

 

Lol totally not the point of this convo. Let's say that if she hears I like something sexually (or even non-sexually) she will try her best to impress me.

[dasein]

Yesterday she showed me her facebook.. (she had deleted the convo with the guy).

 

That would probably be it for me.

[ali_g]

Just trying to get ideas to do for my BF....can you give me some examples??

 

Anyway, to the point of your post -- its a tough call. I mean, I tend to tell little "harmless" lies and I know its wrong, but I sort of rationalize it with the "no harm no foul" mentlaity. Meaning, well if I have no intention of ever cheatin gon my BF, then whats wrong with a little innocent text flirting? That being said, I've since realized NOT to do it b/c at the end of the day, its disrespectful of the man. And if he was doing it, it would be very hurtful to me.

 

I think if she's great otherwise, you should be honest - tell her that you saw it, it was hurtful to you, and it makes it difficult for you to trust her, but that you want to continue on, but just be upfront with each other and agree not to flirt via msg/text with other people.

 

I wouldnt assume that just b/c she lied about the FB messaging that she's completely untrustworthy -- only time will tell that. Every relationship is a risk.

 

Now, please tell me about the sexy surprises??

 

I am 100% sure she thinks the EXACT same way.

 

And I think along the same lines...

 

But I really thought we were so open to each other and so honest and I really don't want her to hide things from me for fear of being judged.... We should be a team.

 

And after I told her I don't trust her on little things, she promised that she'll earn the trust and to just give it time... and I THINK she learned her lesson to not flirt with guys txting...

Said that I told her that if she lies to me in my face AGAIN after she checks her messages. WE LL BE DONE. And she did just that...

 

But I hate the fact that she went as far as deleting her facebook messages... to cover a lie. That means that she could have lied to me about a lot of other things and just covered them up very well. And my head starts racing...

 

EDIT: As for the sexual thing. Talk to your partner and find out what fantasies he has.

I told my girl randomly in a convo that I liked the idea of CEO - secretary roleplay (she had never roleplayed before). Next week or so she tells me to lie down for a massage and she goes on top of me dressed and made up like a secretary and starts asking how her CEO was doing

 

EDIT2: And I really don't want any more confrontations. I'm tired.... so tired.... I believe in letting people make their own choices and being supportive. I feel like I am being demanding and controlling in this situation totally outside of my character...

Edited April 8, 2013 by ali_g

[RedRobin]

If you feel the need to check up on people, then you aren't right for each other. So just break up. I personally don't have the energy to babysit someone 24/7. It sounds like you do.

 

I also wouldn't stay with someone who freaks out over every little conversation. Any guy who pissed his pants over a conversation I had with another guy would not stay around long with me. I work around all men, so he's just going to have to deal with that.

 

Oh, I love how the guys here say "use her, then dump her when it's convenient" Or, how the OP says he'll stay with her then dump her when she's good an attached.

 

Boy, some people will take any excuse possible to be a complete *sshole. She's the one who needs to cut her losses here. You'd be doing her a favor by breaking up with her. Jeez. You sound insecure, OP.

Edited April 8, 2013 by RedRobin

[ChatroomHero]

If you really like her and care about her, then I would let it go. It is very possible she felt bad about it, and deleted them to avoid hurting you.

 

How old are you two? Does she have a history of cheating? How long have you been a couple ?

 

Also, its not clear to me -- does she know that you actually saw the FB messages (before she deleted them) and know she lied, or does she not know that?

 

It seems she hid it because she did not know he saw them. Me personally I would not be able to trust her after that and it seems to suggest she was not 'accidently' leading the guy on, she knew it was wrong.

 

With my ex I caught her on some big stuff and she would never, ever, admit to anything unless I told her what I knew/saw. What it came down to is she always wanted to know exactly what I knew so she knew what to admit to and what to keep lying about.

 

More power to you if you want to stick it out, but to me it was frustrating beyond belief to find out about something and give her a chance to come clean only to be met with a line of questioning so she could maintain the lies she didn't think I knew about.

 

Honestly with that type of person OP says he knows she is not actually cheating but there is no way he can know. Those type of people are so adept at not feeling guilty about being dishonest that you could have her cheating on video tape and they would still find a way to deflect it back on you or make it seem like you're crazy.

[ali_g]

If you really like her and care about her, then I would let it go. It is very possible she felt bad about it, and deleted them to avoid hurting you.

 

Thanks for chatting it up...

I do care about her A LOT and she has personality qualities that are really attractive to me (affectionate, caring, etc.) and she says and shows the same.

And I told her that I value honesty more than anything else.....

 

How old are you two? Does she have a history of cheating? How long have you been a couple ?

 

We're mid twenties. Been a couple for only a month or so. Been seeing each other non-exclusively for a lot longer.

 

She has a history of being cheated on.

 

She also is a bit insecure about my level of interest.

 

Also, its not clear to me -- does she know that you actually saw the FB messages (before she deleted them) and know she lied, or does she not know that?

 

She does not know I saw the facebook messages...

We got into an argument about something else (first argument ever) (her ex wants to come over and visit her "to get her back" and she didn't flat out tell him to NOT COME)..... I got bothered by this. She told me she'll fix it and never be in contact with her ex EVER again.

 

In the mid of this argument we got really stubborn and cold and this info of the "have you contacted any other guys in the past week" slipped me. She said NO. I felt so hurt. I told her I can tell when people LIE. And she was lying...

 

Before this she had always told me when guys had contacted her and what they had talked about. Even though as I found out when she left her facebook open, her talking had almost always been a lot more flirty than what it seemed from her words.

 

Idk... I don't like this lack of judgment. I think she just likes to feel wanted and needs that on top of everything and I'm really really really tired of it.

 

And on top I feel like I'm being controlling... AM I?

[ali_g]

If you feel the need to check up on people, then you aren't right for each other. So just break up. I personally don't have the energy to babysit someone 24/7. It sounds like you do.

 

I also wouldn't stay with someone who freaks out over every little conversation. Any guy who pissed his pants over a conversation I had with another guy would not stay around long with me. I work around all men, so he's just going to have to deal with that.

 

Oh, I love how the guys here say "use her, then dump her when it's convenient" Or, how the OP says he'll stay with her then dump her when she's good an attached.

 

Boy, some people will take any excuse possible to be a complete *sshole. She's the one who needs to cut her losses here. You'd be doing her a favor by breaking up with her. Jeez. You sound insecure, OP.

 

I didn't freak out over anything. I freaked out over her LYING TO ME. Am I insecure because I think lying is bad?

[ali_g]

What it came down to is she always wanted to know exactly what I knew so she knew what to admit to and what to keep lying about.

 

Yep this is what's mind blowing to me....

 

I told her to come clean about any lies that she had told me... she never did.

[Quiet Storm]

You gave her the opportunity to be honest and she lied straight to your face.

 

She is a conflict avoider and values telling people what they want to hear, over the truth.

 

She probably doesn't think that the information is pertinant or a threat to the relationship, and rationalizes "he's going to make a big deal about this and it doesn't even matter so..." That's how she justifies the lie to herself.

 

She manipulates/ minimizes/ omits the truth so that it will be more palatable to you. Spins it in a way that won't sound so bad.

 

I don't think you are controlling. You are not telling her what to do, you are only asking her about her behavior. You have the right to set standards and boundaries for your relationships. You can choose not to date women that have flirty chats with other men, and that's perfectly OK, as long as you adhere to those standards yourself.

 

If she didn't want to share the info you asked about, she could've said "we've only been dating for a month and I'm not comfortable sharing that yet". She didn't have to lie.

 

Whether you continue or not is up to you, but I wouldn't trust her.

[ali_g]

You gave her the opportunity to be honest and she lied straight to your face.

 

She is a conflict avoider and values telling people what they want to hear, over the truth.

 

She probably doesn't think that the information is pertinant or a threat to the relationship, and rationalizes "he's going to make a big deal about this and it doesn't even matter so..." That's how she justifies the lie to herself.

 

She manipulates/ minimizes/ omits the truth so that it will be more palatable to you. Spins it in a way that won't sound so bad.

 

I don't think you are controlling. You are not telling her what to do, you are only asking her about her behavior. You have the right to set standards and boundaries for your relationships. You can choose not to date women that have flirty chats with other men, and that's perfectly OK, as long as you adhere to those standards yourself.

 

If she didn't want to share the info you asked about, she could've said "we've only been dating for a month and I'm not comfortable sharing that yet". She didn't have to lie.

 

Whether you continue or not is up to you, but I wouldn't trust her.

 

Thanks and on top of that she is on the same level of "controlling" that I am.

We were texting this morning then she called, I could not answer cause I was driving up to a park. I called her up 3 hours later and told her that I'm at a park with a few friends. She asked what friends and I told her she doesn't know them and told her the names. She told me she had been to my place to visit me and she had seen my car in the parking lot. (MY CAR WAS NOT ON THE PARKING LOT 110%). I told her to not be stupid and that I wish she could have shared the relaxation of the park with us. She sounded very cold. I sent her a few pics of the park later...

 

Also we've been dating for 8 months. Been in a relationship for one.

Duh things were just so great, but I guess you can just never get so close with someone without the risk of getting hurt. Lesson learned. Stupid commitments. Living single and free was much better.

[dasein]

I didn't freak out over anything. I freaked out over her LYING TO ME. Am I insecure because I think lying is bad?

 

Don't sweat some of the perennial female apologists on LS, they will attempt to blameshift any type of behavior to the guy in threads like yours. You aren't at all to blame here. She lied and tried to hide it. She's to blame. Not you. The end.

[todreaminblue]

i would give her a chance, dont hold on to this........if there is a next time she lies to you talk to her honestly and say you cant be with someone you cant trust...i wouldn't, if it were me, let on that i knew about the dishonesty, i would let one lie go........and just be cautious, that lie she told may have made her mind up not to chat to other guys....see how it goes..one thing you said ....was though, you wondered if you might keep her for sexual experience.....i dont agree with that......in my opinion,if you dont care about her other than her vagina and sex experience you should probably let her go......i wish you luck.....deb

[RedRobin]

I didn't freak out over anything. I freaked out over her LYING TO ME. Am I insecure because I think lying is bad?

 

I don't know you or her... but if every little thing becomes a possible confrontation, then you both have issues. If you both have access to each other's Facebook accounts, then I assume she knows you will see what others post.

 

My issue with you OP, is your need to analyze that conversation to death. Does she microanalyze every conversation you have on there?

 

This is not something I'd put up with. When I was much younger, I might do the same as her to avoid a confrontation.... even if I didn't feel like I did anything wrong. Yep. that was me once upon a time.

 

These days, I just don't keep a guy around who is that paranoid and is plowing through my Facebook looking for shyte to get pissed about...

 

My ex-H was super jealous... guess what? he was the one who ended up cheating on me. Guess he had a guilty conscience. Lesson learned.

 

Edited: Whether she is avoiding conflict or is a pathological liar is beside the point. The outcome is the same. She doesn't trust you enough to be honest with you... and you don't trust her enough to either let these Facebook conversations go or find some other way to bring them up without parsing through Facebook posts adnauseum. The whole situation sounds messed up, IMHO.

Edited April 8, 2013 by RedRobin