ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I see all these posts about men not wanting to get married until they are completely financially stable and capable of supporting a family. Will someone please tell me..what's that about?!? Do men not understand that we women don't just sit on our butts and eat bon bons all day anymore? We have jobs. We are perfectly capable of contributing and pulling our weight. We don't need you to support us..we want partners, not sugar daddies (well..most of us). I got dumped a while back because my guy lost his job and felt unsure that he could support a wife and children (before he lost his job, we had been living together and ring shopping, and we had our children's names planned out). We're seeing each other again..but he just found out that his current job might make him redundant, and so now I'm wondering if he's going to dump me again (he doesn't get another chance after this, so if he wants to hang on to me, and it seems like he does, he'd better not..I'm honestly not super worried, just slightly concerned). Guys..ladies..anyone. Can anyone explain this macho bs to me? Why can't we be considered equal partners, and why should your job affect your dating life and your major decisions about your future so much? How can something like a small break in your career have SO much impact on what you want in regards to a relationship? 4
Sanitarium Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 There is a ton of pressure on men to support for his family/kids in our society and guys don't want to do it unless they feel like they are established enough in case something goes wrong I'm not in the same boat, primarily because I'm already pretty established at a young age and so I'm not very worried about money in that regard. Most men my age (24) are a lot more concerned about their finances and they want to get everything figured out before they start a family
Author ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 But come on! Was all that feminist stuff back in the day for nothing? Most of us aren't asking men to support us completely. Get the eff over yourselves men!!! We love you..we want to be with you whether you're rich or poor (most of us..there are certainly gold diggers out there who want a rich guy). I love my guy..I want to be with him because he's fun and funny and smart and handy and really good in bed..I don't care about his financial situation (as long as he's not millions of dollars in debt and trying to sell me into a prostitution ring). 2
ltjg45 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 How can something like a small break in your career have SO much impact on what you want in regards to a relationship? I gave up my job at Target because it was the better choice financially for me at that time due to severe lack of hours. That "small break" has lasted for almost 5 years and still going. Losing your job in this economy is a very big concern. Unless you have no issues being the sole breadwinner in the family, that can and will easily be a problem. 1
Author ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I gave up my job at Target because it was the better choice financially for me at that time due to severe lack of hours. That "small break" has lasted for almost 5 years and still going. Losing your job in this economy is a very big concern. Unless you have no issues being the sole breadwinner in the family, that can and will easily be a problem. I have no issue being the sole breadwinner in the family at all. He has an issue with it though. Freakin' testosterone!!! We both work in the same industry and there's a lot of jumping around from job to job..it's part of the deal. He should be used to it by now. He doesn't even want to do this forever..he wants to move back to his home state and teach eventually (which he will be AMAZING at). I want to move there with him..I love his home state, and his family and friends. They all love me too. 1
Archgirl Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 It's so weird right? I have great career and employment prospects and whatever I settle in will earn me a well above average income. Usually double that of any guy I am seeing. Like it's not what I want a partner for. You know, like it's not 1910 and I'm not all looking to marry up to ensure my social economic status and wouldn't it be great to catch the eye of the lords son I need someone to hold me when I'm scared, make me laugh when I am sad, deal with spiders in the house, get stuff of the top shelf and lids off jars and tell me I'm beautiful with no make-up on. Really not correlated to income. 4
ltjg45 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I have no issue being the sole breadwinner in the family at all. He has an issue with it though. Freakin' testosterone!!! We both work in the same industry and there's a lot of jumping around from job to job..it's part of the deal. He should be used to it by now. He doesn't even want to do this forever..he wants to move back to his home state and teach eventually (which he will be AMAZING at). I want to move there with him..I love his home state, and his family and friends. They all love me too. To be fair, it doesn't help him to think that he is frankly useless outside of being your F-buddy so I can understand where he is coming from. I don't even want to enter a relationship myself until I find work. I could very well have found "the one" but I will let her go because I can't support her and I don't want her to think that I got nothing but baggage to bring. As long as you made it clear that you have no issues with this, the rest is on him to accept it. Like I, I'm sure he will have a hard time swallowing it but, if he is really committed to you, he should stay.
Djz05 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 For me its just the way I've been raised in my culture. I want to be able to spoil my SO even if I know she can afford to buy things by herself. My ideal situation would be I pamper her where in she doesnt ever need to work but if she wants to work (and earn more than me) thats all fine by me. I just want to threat her like a queen. (Yeah, sappy i know)
Author ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 To be fair, it doesn't help him to think that he is frankly useless outside of being your F-buddy so I can understand where he is coming from. I don't even want to enter a relationship myself until I find work. I could very well have found "the one" but I will let her go because I can't support her and I don't want her to think that I got nothing but baggage to bring. As long as you made it clear that you have no issues with this, the rest is on him to accept it. Like I, I'm sure he will have a hard time swallowing it but, if he is really committed to you, he should stay. What??? When did I say he was useless outside of being my f-buddy??? I just said he was good in bed..along with having an amazing personality. Jeez..can't a girl even mention sex without being accused of using a guy? He actually just did my taxes and helped me do a TON of work on my car. He's not just a f-buddy..he's my accountant and my mechanic too..and my IT guy. 1
ltjg45 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 What??? When did I say he was useless outside of being my f-buddy??? I just said he was good in bed..along with having an amazing personality. Jeez..can't a girl even mention sex without being accused of using a guy? He actually just did my taxes and helped me do a TON of work on my car. He's not just a f-buddy..he's my accountant and my mechanic too..and my IT guy. I'm just saying. I know he does more than that but that doesn't mean your BF thinks his value has went up because of it. I could do all of that (of course, I can't but I'm just using it as an example) and I will still feel just as pathetic since I'm just a broke man in a household. To a male? No money, no value. It's what we live and die for. What self-respecting woman wants a man with no money? 3
Sanitarium Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 What??? When did I say he was useless outside of being my f-buddy??? I just said he was good in bed..along with having an amazing personality. Jeez..can't a girl even mention sex without being accused of using a guy? He actually just did my taxes and helped me do a TON of work on my car. He's not just a f-buddy..he's my accountant and my mechanic too..and my IT guy. Listen to ITJ, he's telling you the truth of the male mindset
Author ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Listen to ITJ, he's telling you the truth of the male mindset Oh I am listening, and I am appreciating very much!
Author ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I'm just saying. I know he does more than that but that doesn't mean your BF thinks his value has went up because of it. I could do all of that (of course, I can't but I'm just using it as an example) and I will still feel just as pathetic since I'm just a broke man in a household. To a male? No money, no value. It's what we live and die for. What self-respecting woman wants a man with no money? I just want the guy I'm in love with. I don't care if he's rich or poor. I love him either way.
Sanitarium Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Oh I am listening, and I am appreciating very much! I would blame it on society Society has deemed male's primary value is to provide Society has deemed that it is to be looked down upon if a man earns less than his wife, or even worse, he earns nothing while his wife is main provider Those are things that are pounded into our brain as boys and then men our whole life 1
Author ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I would blame it on society Society has deemed male's primary value is to provide Society has deemed that it is to be looked down upon if a man earns less than his wife, or even worse, he earns nothing while his wife is main provider Those are things that are pounded into our brain as boys and then men our whole life Then EFF YOU SOCIETY! I want my man! 4
Archgirl Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Then EFF YOU SOCIETY! I want my man! Yah!!! EFF YOU SOCIETY!!! That was super fun!!! :bunny: 3
Noproblem Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Then EFF YOU SOCIETY! I want my man! Your man loves you so much to give you up to get a better life for yourself 2
Djz05 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Your man loves you so much to give you up to get a better life for yourself Thats it! Thats exactly it! You have to tell him that the better life for you is with him, financial security or not. 3
LittleTiger Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between men and women. It all goes back to biology. Yes, society has changed since our caveman days and women are able to support themselves now, but most men still get their self-worth from personal achievements (whether that's professional, financial or sporting). Of course, women can also get their self worth from personal achievements, but most women don't need to be highly successful in this way to feel good about themselves. Women are generally better at forming close personal relationships than men. We share more of ourselves with our friends and gain self worth from acceptance and mutual respect. Like it or not, we are usually better at nurturing and caring for others and many women choose careers that feed that side of themselves - over and above financial reward. This is obviously not across the board universal but it is more often than not the way things are and it explains why men need to have a career in place before settling down. You might not need to be supported by him financially but he sure as hell doesn't want to be supported by you. A man's self worth is more important to him than a wife and family and he will wait until he feels good about himself before taking on these responsibilities. It's not that your boyfriend doesn't love you, it is just that he hasn't reached the right point in his personal development to settle down. I would take that as a huge positive. Let him know you love him and you're happy to wait until he feels successful before you get married. If you can't wait, stop trying to change the value system of the guy you love and find a different guy who is ready to move forward with what you want. Edited April 8, 2013 by LittleTiger 3
SuperGeek Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Women dump/reject men all the time for being jobless. Your boyfriend likely has had this happen to him, so is dealing with it by dumping you first. Yes, this is highly immature way to handle such an event. My personal view is that the gender roles have changed, but the biology and the childhood environments haven't reflected this paradigm shift. It is absolutely essential that the women have their own job and maintain it throughout a relationship. Not only is this good for women so that they have a career to provide for themselves if the relationship ends, but it's also good for the man so he doesn't get destroyed in a divorce financially having to pay his ex-wife alimony in addition to child support. The traditional concept of marriage is gone -- the divorce laws have made that a reality. SuperGeek
LittleTiger Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I still think it's crap.... It is what it is! Men have a penis, women have a vagina - most people don't complain about that but it's not the only difference between us.
PogoStick Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 The OP has me so confused right now. Many women on here will bash a guy, no job = she's gone. And plenty of OLD profiles blatantly saying do not contact unless you have a job, car, and license (guess it makes sense he needs to actually drive the car). So how tolerant are women in starting a new relationship with a guy who's going through rough times? Should an unemployed guy even bother trying to date?
SuperGeek Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I have to agree with you. It's a double standard. Most women won't date a guy without a job/money. They gotta have standards, right? The OP has me so confused right now. Many women on here will bash a guy, no job = she's gone. And plenty of OLD profiles blatantly saying do not contact unless you have a job, car, and license (guess it makes sense he needs to actually drive the car). So how tolerant are women in starting a new relationship with a guy who's going through rough times? Should an unemployed guy even bother trying to date?
LittleTiger Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I have to agree with you. It's a double standard. Most women won't date a guy without a job/money. They gotta have standards, right? Its not a double standard. Most women won't date a guy who has no prospects and no interest in making a life for himself. That's a very different thing. He can have no job and no money, but he needs to be actively looking for a way out of his situation and showing evidence that he's getting somewhere, even if it's very slowly. A guy with no job, no money and making little effort to achieve anything in life is just a deadbeat - and he probably has low self esteem too. There is nothing attractive about a deadbeat with low self esteem. Just imagine what kind of a future a woman could expect with a guy like that! 2
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