Sanitarium Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Very hard indeed. Whenever I get rejected, I start to feel very discouraged, very pessimistic and start to revert back to my natural defeatist tendency/mood. Ive come to a realization that this is something that I have to overcome If I have any hope of ever meeting somebody. How can I stop being so sensitive?
mortensorchid Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I think we all are to a degree, some more than others. No one likes having their egos bruised by any kind of rejection. We fear it. Some will run away and cower in the caves thanks to this, some will become angry and bitter about it, some will just rebound to the next one. There is no one answer. I wish I could say that there is some kind of magic or means in which to make things better for all of us, but there aren't. I think we hide it from ourselves in both of the behaviors. I can only say "better communication is necessary" to solve any problem. As to your sensitivity, maybe seek professional help on that one. It could be something deeper. 1
ThaWholigan Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Its 5am here, so I'll try and make this as compact as possible. You have to take control of your mind and your thoughts (duh, common sense you will say) because it enables you to attach meaning to things into your life. If you let them run riot (which a lot of people do) then you will undeniably amplify any depressing thought you have. You've conditioned yourself to react to rejection this way. And that's not to say rejection doesn't hurt - I'm still in the process of reconditioning myself regarding rejection. Its paying off more and more. 1. Meditating helps me clear my mind and have greater control over the thoughts I think. 2. Reframing the meaning of social encounters and my mindset towards them. As in, if I'm talking to a girl, I'm not "approaching her" or initially trying to date her, therefore she can't "reject me". I'm just talking to her, enjoying her company. I actually reframe it this way because takes away the outcome dependent agenda approach. Realize that everyone gets rejected, even in the magical social circle game. Accept it fully, and you will be able to face it, along with the other factors above. I don't know why I'm even helping you but someone else with your problem may read so........ 6
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Because when that person rejects you, it's more to you than just not willing to date you...they're telling you all of your fears and insecurities within yourself. You may create the laundry list of why they said no, and you feel saddened and hurt by their dismissal....of you not being good enough. Even if it's just superficially. Instead of just looking at it objectively like the truth...this person doesn't really know you, they could be in a different state of mind or emotions, it could've been my approach or impression, it could've been a number of things. But you take it as a personal attack. You let that person have more bearing over your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem than they should have. So instead it's this whole inner deep emotional rejection you feel, this inadequacy and not being accepted for who you are, when in reality, this person doesn't really know you...they've either never gave you a chance or dismissed you based on what...5 percent of your actual being? When you get into a defensive and pessimistic mood it's a protective state and vulnerability that comes out of you under that pressure, this is your reaction under these circumstances and likely similar in other aspects of your life. You starting telling yourself that you're never going find somebody, that you don't have this or that so it's never going to work out for you. This is too hard, dating sucks, meeting people sucks, you always feel rejected by women. You've got detach yourself from the weight that brings you down the level that it does. You've got minimize it's affect, you have to take away the power that you're giving that other person...it's difficult, because emotionally it's an impulsive reaction, but you've got to give yourself self-talk and cut off those negative feelings before they manifest into something much greater and that sticks to you like a tick. Be realistic, consider what this person really knows about you...consider what you may have done wrong, or how you may have came off, and how you approached or engaged this person. Consider that sometimes it just doesn't have to do with you but sometimes with where they are at and even so, some people have a narrow view of their fantasy of love, they may not see it in you, they may desire to get to know you. However the good news is, you can dramatically change your results by being in a more confident and solid state. Less wavering, dramatic and self-defeating. Realize the process you are going through mentally, and detach it from the dating dynamic. Like think about it, think about why you feel that way and why it hurts, and what is it that you're actually feeling. Go through it, sometimes people are so busy pushing away emotions they don't want to feel that instead of just feeling them and going through them they hold onto them so that they can in a way hate them, or themselves for it. Work on your self-esteem and confidence by validating yourself instead of letting others do it for you. Believe in yourself, trust you gut and your instincts, learn to know yourself and be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses, be self-aware. This is not necessarily an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of reflection and people just want some easy fix. The reality of dating is it's just essentially sales....it's not about who you really are and what you're really about, hell if that was the case then the world would be completely different. It's about what you advertise, what you show, what you give at face value unfortunately. However at the same time to be the most affection and even non-manipulative it has to be genuine. Sure some people lie, but they're only trying to win the person over for a short time anyway and a lot of times these people don't have much substance which is why they invest so much in what they advertise...but regardless, you've got to be able to get your foot in the door, and that's what you have to work on...things like your approach, conversational skills and self-awareness, that will make a big difference but the reason it's so hard to advise men on this is because it has to come from within you, you've to figure it out, just because what i do and how I am works for me doesn't mean it'll work for you because you're a completely different person. You've got to find your own niche....you find yourself and know who you are, and you'll have more success because that pressure or monkey on your back will be gone. Then you'll just be open and ready to all possibilities instead of over-thinking them, and possibly trying to be someone else. 7
Radu Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I'm not really sure what i can add after Whooligan and Ninja. What they wrote actually works.
Author Sanitarium Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 2. Reframing the meaning of social encounters and my mindset towards them. As in, if I'm talking to a girl, I'm not "approaching her" or initially trying to date her, therefore she can't "reject me". I'm just talking to her, enjoying her company. I actually reframe it this way because takes away the outcome dependent agenda approach. I have that same mindset now I don't ask out a girl unless I talk to her and I feel very strong chemistry/we have a lot in common and get along great so I don't feel rejection if I talk to her and I feel nothing from her. The problem is that even "very strong chemistry" doesn't seem to mean anything - I still get flaked on by girls who I feel like I had a fantastic interaction with It's just incredibly frustrating to feel like you did a great job and still get nowhere. It's also very discouraging - it makes me begin to revert back to the thoughts of 4-5 years ago that resulted in my extreme low self esteem and pessimistic viewpoint towards dating The thing is that I've always known that I would never ever be a player. I am not a guy who can go to a bar/club and hit on 50 women and be okay with the idea that 49 out of those 50 could possibly turn me down. For all the bullch*t that PUA idiots feed you about confidence and skills, that's the real difference between guys who get nothing and guys who have 5 options at a time. The majority of men have at least respectable social skills - the guys who are successful are those who approach day and night I always envisioned myself as a guy who would never have to "pick up girls" or put myself out there, I would just naturally get girls through my day to day routine the same way I naturally make friends with no real effort, but more and more time goes on, I realize that's just not going to happen. I'm going to remain alone until I do the PUA thing and start approaching every girl in sight (and hope I run into something once in a while where a girl does like me)
Giraffe1 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 It's not the end of world. As Jay-Z says on to the next one.
Author Sanitarium Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) Because when that person rejects you, it's more to you than just not willing to date you...they're telling you all of your fears and insecurities within yourself. You may create the laundry list of why they said no, and you feel saddened and hurt by their dismissal....of you not being good enough. Even if it's just superficially. Instead of just looking at it objectively like the truth...this person doesn't really know you, they could be in a different state of mind or emotions, it could've been my approach or impression, it could've been a number of things. But you take it as a personal attack. You let that person have more bearing over your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem than they should have. So instead it's this whole inner deep emotional rejection you feel, this inadequacy and not being accepted for who you are, when in reality, this person doesn't really know you...they've either never gave you a chance or dismissed you based on what...5 percent of your actual being? When you get into a defensive and pessimistic mood it's a protective state and vulnerability that comes out of you under that pressure, this is your reaction under these circumstances and likely similar in other aspects of your life. You starting telling yourself that you're never going find somebody, that you don't have this or that so it's never going to work out for you. This is too hard, dating sucks, meeting people sucks, you always feel rejected by women. You've got detach yourself from the weight that brings you down the level that it does. You've got minimize it's affect, you have to take away the power that you're giving that other person...it's difficult, because emotionally it's an impulsive reaction, but you've got to give yourself self-talk and cut off those negative feelings before they manifest into something much greater and that sticks to you like a tick. Be realistic, consider what this person really knows about you...consider what you may have done wrong, or how you may have came off, and how you approached or engaged this person. Consider that sometimes it just doesn't have to do with you but sometimes with where they are at and even so, some people have a narrow view of their fantasy of love, they may not see it in you, they may desire to get to know you. However the good news is, you can dramatically change your results by being in a more confident and solid state. Less wavering, dramatic and self-defeating. Realize the process you are going through mentally, and detach it from the dating dynamic. Like think about it, think about why you feel that way and why it hurts, and what is it that you're actually feeling. Go through it, sometimes people are so busy pushing away emotions they don't want to feel that instead of just feeling them and going through them they hold onto them so that they can in a way hate them, or themselves for it. Work on your self-esteem and confidence by validating yourself instead of letting others do it for you. Believe in yourself, trust you gut and your instincts, learn to know yourself and be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses, be self-aware. This is not necessarily an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of reflection and people just want some easy fix. The reality of dating is it's just essentially sales....it's not about who you really are and what you're really about, hell if that was the case then the world would be completely different. It's about what you advertise, what you show, what you give at face value unfortunately. However at the same time to be the most affection and even non-manipulative it has to be genuine. Sure some people lie, but they're only trying to win the person over for a short time anyway and a lot of times these people don't have much substance which is why they invest so much in what they advertise...but regardless, you've got to be able to get your foot in the door, and that's what you have to work on...things like your approach, conversational skills and self-awareness, that will make a big difference but the reason it's so hard to advise men on this is because it has to come from within you, you've to figure it out, just because what i do and how I am works for me doesn't mean it'll work for you because you're a completely different person. You've got to find your own niche....you find yourself and know who you are, and you'll have more success because that pressure or monkey on your back will be gone. Then you'll just be open and ready to all possibilities instead of over-thinking them, and possibly trying to be someone else. 5 star reply, right on point with everything you said When it comes to rejection, the ones that are really ego crushing for me are those where you feel like everything went perfectly. There is certain times I get rejected where I realize I just wasn't confident enough or I didn't spend enough time getting to know a girl. Those are at least somewhat tolerable. The ones where you spend a good amount of time getting to know a girl and you feel amazing chemistry and connection....but you still get flaked on when you try to arrange something... it's immensely discouraging for me. It's like a confirmation that no matter how confident I am, no matter how good my conversational skills, I'm completely incapable of ever meeting somebody and I'm incapable of being loved Oh and another awful aspect of rejection for me - it poisons my potential interactions with other women - I project my experience with the gals who rejected me to all 2 or 3 billion females on this planet and feel like I'm going to get the exact same results with all of them so why even bother? Edited April 8, 2013 by Sanitarium
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I'm like that too, I can't handle rejection it like ruins me.
Author Sanitarium Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 I'm like that too, I can't handle rejection it like ruins me. You're a girl. What rejection?
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You're a girl. What rejection? Hahaha umm yeah you should definitely follow some of my posts, I am constantly rejected... bummer.
Poppy fields Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Have you ever tried hanging out in unconventional places? I actually picked up the guy who is now my husband at a combination coffee house/ bar. Not exactly a meat market. He was wearing a cool hat,and I asked him about it. Then I invited him for a drink on the spot at a different location. Maybe one day when you least expect it, you will get picked up. Weirder things have happened. 2
Djz05 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Have you ever tried hanging out in unconventional places? I actually picked up the guy who is now my husband at a combination coffee house/ bar. Not exactly a meat market. He was wearing a cool hat,and I asked him about it. Then I invited him for a drink on the spot at a different location. Maybe one day when you least expect it, you will get picked up. Weirder things have happened. Cute story... now I need to go find me a cool hat.
Author Sanitarium Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Have you ever tried hanging out in unconventional places? I actually picked up the guy who is now my husband at a combination coffee house/ bar. Not exactly a meat market. He was wearing a cool hat,and I asked him about it. Then I invited him for a drink on the spot at a different location. . You started a conversation with a guy and asked him out? Are you dating Channing Tatum?
Poppy fields Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You started a conversation with a guy and asked him out? Are you dating Channing Tatum? Nope. A 5'6" red head. Dead sexy to me.
Author Sanitarium Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Nope. A 5'6" red head. Dead sexy to me. Mind blowing stuff. The idea of a girl ever approaching me seems about as likely as aliens abducting me to their spaceship and turning me into one of "their kind"
Djz05 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 All I can add whenever you feel down after being rejected, keep in touch with friends and family. I know I just want to shut the world out when things don't work out as I hoped it would. But I've made an effort through the years to keep myself busy with friends. They help reinforce your positive image of yourself (which just got torn down by a girl) which helps with recovering. Mind blowing stuff. The idea of a girl ever approaching me seems about as likely as aliens abducting me to their spaceship and turning me into one of "their kind" Yeah first time that happened to me, I actually thought she was trying to talk to someone else behind me and kept ignoring her.
Poppy fields Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Mind blowing stuff. The idea of a girl ever approaching me seems about as likely as aliens abducting me to their spaceship and turning me into one of "their kind" Why? Do you smell or something? I am sure if you smile a bit and stop acting like the weight of the dating world is on your shoulders, you might be surprised what happens. You claim to have a great personality. That is attractive to most women.
Author Sanitarium Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 All I can add whenever you feel down after being rejected, keep in touch with friends and family. I know I just want to shut the world out when things don't work out as I hoped it would. But I've made an effort through the years to keep myself busy with friends. They help reinforce your positive image of yourself (which just got torn down by a girl) which helps with recovering. I do this regardless. I have a beautiful family and social circle who I love dearly
CARL45 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Another thing that you might try is making the conversation with the women the memorable for her. That basically means treat the woman like it's a guy friend of yours. Don't worry about offending her just go in to enjoy yourself. Also don't forget about physical contact if you can. These things make a world of difference in an interaction with a woman. 2
ThaWholigan Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Mind blowing stuff. The idea of a girl ever approaching me seems about as likely as aliens abducting me to their spaceship and turning me into one of "their kind" Someones rollin like a champion. They do it for the lulz, they say http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l252/sprite_789/1154045819240.jpg
Poppy fields Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Another thing that you might try is making the conversation with the women the memorable for her. That basically means treat the woman like it's a guy friend of yours. Don't worry about offending her just go in to enjoy yourself. Also don't forget about physical contact if you can. These things make a world of difference in an interaction with a woman. What do you mean physical contact? Hands off, dude. That would creep me out. 1
Author Sanitarium Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Why? Do you smell or something? You're talking about a girl approaching me. Think about what you're sayin If I ever get a girlfriend, it's most likely going to be a situation where I have to approach her and talk to her about a 100 times over a year period before I can finally convince her to go out on a date with me I am sure if you smile a bit and stop acting like the weight of the dating world is on your shoulders, you might be surprised what happens. You claim to have a great personality. That is attractive to most women. I actually smile a lot. I always go out to have a lot of fun. I'm not nearly as negative IRL as I'm on here. Remember that rage is depression turned inwards As far as my personality goes. Almost everybody I've gotten to know over the years has grown to like me so I think I'm an ok guy. I have troubles being myself at first when I meet a girl but I can get comfortable pretty fast I don't know if any of this stuff means anything. I've gotten rejected plenty of times where I had a lot of fun and felt like I got along great with a girl
Poppy fields Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You're talking about a girl approaching me. Think about what you're saying If I ever get a girlfriend, it's most likely going to be a situation where I have to approach her and talk to her about a 100 times over a year period before I can finally convince her to go out on a date with me Why do you say that?
Recommended Posts