I always wanted Double D's...

[Praying4Peace]

I thought I'd put a little humor into the title since the rest of my post will be anything but...

 

Is there anyone who can tell me how to cope with a Double D...i.e. Dumped and Divorced? My A ended at the end of last year and my divorce had been filed before the end. My H and I separated 6 months before the end of the A. As you can probably guess- my exMM and I had plans to be together for real until he chickened/guilted out. Fair enough (not really).

 

I am so heartbroken. My head vacillates between grieving for the loss of my AP, grieving the loss of my H, grieving the loss of my 'fake' future as well as the future I could have had with my H. I feel lost, like all this has happened and I can't share it with anyone. I go to IC but my therapist basically says "Just go through the emotions" or we talk and she tries to convince me the feelings weren't real, or to find my anger or just be positive. If I tell her how bad I feel she assures me its normal. She tells me to forgive myself. It doesn't really help to be honest.

 

Anyways- just putting this out there in LS land. Sometimes it seems any words from anyone anywhere who can empathize or even sympathize would be nice.

[amaysngrace]

What made you start an affair in the first place? Is your husband the first person that you have ever cheated on?

 

And who are you most angry with? Your husband? Your MM? Or yourself?

[Praying4Peace]

I want to be angry at everyone but of course I am angry at myself. I have to take responsibility for my own actions.

 

I have never cheated on my H before, I wouldn't even dream of it. Been married a little over a decade. Met ex-MM about a year and half ago because we had to work on a project together. Turned into an EA (he started and I too willingly followed) and quickly into a PA. We connected better than anyone we'd ever met before. We just 'got' each other and of course now reading about things like the 'Fog" I see its just a cliche. Our PA was intense. Very early on we knew we wanted to end up together but just didn't want to discuss how that would happen. He honestly was my best friend- we spent every waking moment in communication. We tried NC, LC, everything. We had about 5 Ddays. We were such jerks- so selfish- all we could see was that we couldn't give each other up.

 

My H wanted to whole truth after one of our Ddays and I gave it to him. I thought if we were going to work it out I needed to come clean. I told him over the course of a few weeks (I was just afraid if he knew the extent all at once he wouldn't be able to handle it). We separated but since the A was still going on I didn't work on the marriage and basically told my H that he deserved to be with someone who only loved him and would never do what I did to him.

 

I'm not angry with my H at all. We are amicable and communicate about the kids. I'm angry with my exMM but I don't feel like I'm justified so everytime I feel anger I tell myself that he did the right thing so how can I be selfish enough to be angry with him? I beat myself up all the time. Its so hard to hurt so bad and know that you aren't even entitled to your emotions because it was your doing anyway.

[amaysngrace]

Everybody makes mistakes and nobody is perfect.

 

How long are you going to beat yourself up? You came clean with your husband. You let him go and are trying to get along well with him and are being a good mom in doing so.

 

Yes you made a mistake but are you sure it was really a mistake? Maybe you were meant to get close to your MM. Maybe you were suppose to feel that connection with another human being.

[Praying4Peace]

 

Yes you made a mistake but are you sure it was really a mistake? Maybe you were meant to get close to your MM. Maybe you were suppose to feel that connection with another human being.

 

Thank you for your kind words. But feeling that connection and not having it anymore is a lot to take. If my H and I were still together at least I'd have someone around. I figured the best thing I could do for him is let him go, I hope he will thank me one day. I also think one thing could do for him to make up for all his humiliation and heartbreak is to raise our kids to be just fabulous...he is still very broken and says he doesn't have a family (he is a pessimist and insecure by nature) and I assure him that 4 kids is a family.

[Radu]

I want to be angry at everyone but of course I am angry at myself. I have to take responsibility for my own actions.

 

I have never cheated on my H before, I wouldn't even dream of it. Been married a little over a decade. Met ex-MM about a year and half ago because we had to work on a project together. Turned into an EA (he started and I too willingly followed) and quickly into a PA. We connected better than anyone we'd ever met before. We just 'got' each other and of course now reading about things like the 'Fog" I see its just a cliche. Our PA was intense. Very early on we knew we wanted to end up together but just didn't want to discuss how that would happen. He honestly was my best friend- we spent every waking moment in communication. We tried NC, LC, everything. We had about 5 Ddays. We were such jerks- so selfish- all we could see was that we couldn't give each other up.

OK

 

My H wanted to whole truth after one of our Ddays and I gave it to him. I thought if we were going to work it out I needed to come clean. I told him over the course of a few weeks (I was just afraid if he knew the extent all at once he wouldn't be able to handle it). We separated but since the A was still going on I didn't work on the marriage and basically told my H that he deserved to be with someone who only loved him and would never do what I did to him.

That's trickle-truth-ing.

It's very painfull to be on the receiving end of it because every time you hear it, you give yourself time to come to peace to it.

So you start believing in the other person, you can maybe see a future.

It builds you up, so it can knock you down again, and again, and again.

With every little knock the respect and love you feel for the other person gets cut more and more to pieces untill there's nothing but a bloody mess of raw open flesh.

And that's when you stop caring, in order to preserve your own sanity, and not end up in the gutter or worse, hanging from a beam [6:1 ratio for men who commit suicide and who live on the street].

 

I'm not writing this with the purpose of making you feel bad.

I simply hope to help you empathise with him.

 

I'm not angry with my H at all. We are amicable and communicate about the kids. I'm angry with my exMM but I don't feel like I'm justified so everytime I feel anger I tell myself that he did the right thing so how can I be selfish enough to be angry with him? I beat myself up all the time. Its so hard to hurt so bad and know that you aren't even entitled to your emotions because it was your doing anyway.

Why would you be angry with your husband ?

Why would you be angry with your xMM ?

You are perfectly entitled to your emotions, but not of blaming the above 2 men.

Your husband acted in reaction to your actions, and your xMM fell for you as much as you fell for him [very very few men truly leave their wives, no matter how much they enjoy the something on the side ... it's because in Divorce they tend to lose more than the women].

 

Grace hinted at something very important here, are you sure this was a mistake ?

I don't know you, or know your story but i can sense that you are trying to reign in your emotions through your logical mind.

You are changing realities, from the affair fog, to something else.

Take this opportunity to figure out more about yourself.

[Lillyfree]

Thank you for your kind words. But feeling that connection and not having it anymore is a lot to take. If my H and I were still together at least I'd have someone around. I figured the best thing I could do for him is let him go, I hope he will thank me one day. I also think one thing could do for him to make up for all his humiliation and heartbreak is to raise our kids to be just fabulous...he is still very broken and says he doesn't have a family (he is a pessimist and insecure by nature) and I assure him that 4 kids is a family.

 

re: bolded.... no matter how much honesty is to be appreciated, that would be so cruel towards him.

obviously you divorcing your husband was the right thing to do, if you had any doubts it wouldn't have happened.

 

what your xMM also isn't a surprise.

 

so it's not that you backed the wrong horse here - you didn't love your husband enough to stay and MM didn't love you enough to leave his wife.

 

best you can do now is learn how to be on your own for a while, use this time to heal. all the best

[whichwayisup]

Big suggestion here, find another therapist asap. The one you go to is not working for you. Reading what you wrote about her, I had a yuck factor reaction! Find someone better suited and someone who will truly help you.

[veryhappy]

Let's see...where's exMM at the end of this story? Warm and cozy next to his wife, in the house where he lives his family life? How sweet. Yes, BWs assure us they pay dearly.

 

If you want your H back, it's up to him to see if he can forgive you. People do reconcile if they really want to. If your M was done and you wanted out, grieve the loss, but if you really want it stop with the "he deserves someone better". Maybe he wants you if you are determined not to cheat again.

 

You don't have to buy the fog bs. You don't have to believe your therapist when saying the feelings weren't real. They felt real to you, didn't they? All you can do is give it time, and accept what happened. Accept you weren't important enough for exMM, and one day it won't hurt nearly as bad.

[ComingInHot]

praying4peace,

You sound like you are a wreck, lost & broken. Understandably so. It also sounds like your exH is feeling the same way. With Both of you reeling from pain, loss and heartbreak, it could be very easy to fill every moment w/yourselves.

You have four children if I read correctly, that still need their parents.

Somehow, in all of this mess, make sure you find balance. Balance between dealing w/the consequences of your actions, the fall out from said actions and being a great parent and Much better role model to your children.

I'm praying for peace for you as well*

CIH

[amaysngrace]

Thank you for your kind words. But feeling that connection and not having it anymore is a lot to take. If my H and I were still together at least I'd have someone around. I figured the best thing I could do for him is let him go, I hope he will thank me one day. I also think one thing could do for him to make up for all his humiliation and heartbreak is to raise our kids to be just fabulous...he is still very broken and says he doesn't have a family (he is a pessimist and insecure by nature) and I assure him that 4 kids is a family.

 

You really need to stop holding on to all these bad thoughts you are thinking of yourself. You lost your marriage by being honest. You have more than paid for any sins you've committed in that way. You should be proud of yourself. You let your husband go rather than living a lie with him. That takes courage and in doing that you righted your wrong. Let it go.

 

You seem stuck in a cycle of berating yourself for things that happened in the past. You cannot change any of it so why keep reliving it? It serves you no purpose.

 

I agree with your therapist that you really need to forgive yourself. Yes you did something wrong but you have done things right too.

 

Do you see that? It is pretty obvious from an outsider's perspective.

 

Also, once you have a deep connection with another person that never stops. Keep that alive from afar. Keep thinking of him and wishing him well in your thoughts.

 

You just never know what the future may hold.

[georgia girl]

I am so sorry. You are healing - and it may not feel like it - on a lot of fronts at once. You need to heal from the loss of your marriage, even if you did want it to end. And you also need to heal from the loss of your love.

 

I think you are doing a lot of the right things - although I agree with other posters that you should perhaps find another therapist. I also think you need to focus on your kids and your healing.

 

What I suggest you don't do is seek comfort from an exhusband you don't really love. He's in enough pain and would likely be willing to rekindle a relationship with you. But, you can't find any port in a storm. It would be totally unfair to him. Let him heal.

 

For you, I think you gradually have to forgive yourself while you heal. I don't think there's a lot that will speed up this process but I think you're going about healing the right way. Find good friends and surround yourself with them. Take up a hobby. Hug your children. It will get better.

[Toddbt12y1]

(Was thinking of commenting, but cannot be nice...Wouldn't call it a mistake, unless her panties just fell off during said encounters with this other dude...leaves thread *prepares for the hippies of LS to bash cause he said it wasn't a "mistake" wrist slap me too please!)

[Praying4Peace]

OK

 

 

That's trickle-truth-ing.

It's very painfull to be on the receiving end of it because every time you hear it, you give yourself time to come to peace to it.

So you start believing in the other person, you can maybe see a future.

It builds you up, so it can knock you down again, and again, and again.

With every little knock the respect and love you feel for the other person gets cut more and more to pieces untill there's nothing but a bloody mess of raw open flesh.

And that's when you stop caring, in order to preserve your own sanity, and not end up in the gutter or worse, hanging from a beam [6:1 ratio for men who commit suicide and who live on the street].

 

I'm not writing this with the purpose of making you feel bad.

 

I simply hope to help you empathise with him.

 

 

Why would you be angry with your husband ?

Why would you be angry with your xMM ?

You are perfectly entitled to your emotions, but not of blaming the above 2 men.

Your husband acted in reaction to your actions, and your xMM fell for you as much as you fell for him [very very few men truly leave their wives, no matter how much they enjoy the something on the side ... it's because in Divorce they tend to lose more than the women].

 

Grace hinted at something very important here, are you sure this was a mistake ?

I don't know you, or know your story but i can sense that you are trying to reign in your emotions through your logical mind.

You are changing realities, from the affair fog, to something else.

Take this opportunity to figure out more about yourself.

 

Radu- I'd like to address the "Trickle Truth" part of your post. Before I got on LS I never knew what Trickle Truth was and how harmful it could be to a person. I understand now that its like being continually cut while trying to heal.

 

The trickle truth has been happening for a year. It seems like it was either Ddays or trickle truth constantly. ExMM and I just didn't agree on the importance of coming clean. I said it was necessary bc you can't have a marriage with any lies and he said it was a selfish selfish thing to do and if you cared about someone you would not hurt them with information like that. Between his W finding out things and my H finding out things and me admitting to certain things and him admitting to things (curiously enough he would use trickle truth as a tactic of pushing her over the edge into a D- but every time there was a Dday or Trickle Truth she would hold on tighter...and he was confused but still a coward who didn't want to be the 'bad guy'). The very end of our A was a massive trickle truth (if I told you guys, you'd be physically ill) that my H reported to his W with proof.

[Praying4Peace]

Seriously???? Wow. I imagine if the BW knows, then no, it is not all warm and cozy at home right now. If she doesn't know, then yeah, she gets to keep living under the false assumption that she has a loyal H. Also she gets to live not knowing she may have been exposed to any number of STD's.

 

Do you really believe that when the H ends the affair that they just go home and they all live happily ever after with no repercussions?

 

She had just as much opportunity during the affair to do the right thing also and end the affair and work on her marriage. Instead she decided to take a gamble on a fantasy relationship and she lost.

 

Hi Paperangel. The BW knows everything except for what happened at the end after the final Dday (that we spoke and saw each other again). The amount she knows is just not fathomable but if anything it serves him *really* well. She had said that she will never give him a D because she hates me more than she hates him and she wouldn't be able to handle us being 'free'. I can understand that, I guess. But ex-MM sure gets a great deal with her fawning all over him out of guilt, low self confidence and trying to save the marriage.

 

As for STD's....you may laugh but I've never been with anyone but my H and he has never been with anyone but his W (and his W has only been with him). It makes the whole thing a bit harder emotionally speaking.

[Praying4Peace]

praying4peace,

You sound like you are a wreck, lost & broken. Understandably so. It also sounds like your exH is feeling the same way. With Both of you reeling from pain, loss and heartbreak, it could be very easy to fill every moment w/yourselves.

You have four children if I read correctly, that still need their parents.

Somehow, in all of this mess, make sure you find balance. Balance between dealing w/the consequences of your actions, the fall out from said actions and being a great parent and Much better role model to your children.

I'm praying for peace for you as well*

CIH

 

I was such a mess a few months ago I couldn't properly care for my kids. Then I woke up and looked at them and said "they NEED me". I began focusing solely on them...playing games...making special dishes, talking to them about what was going on with me and my H. Making sure not to cry in front of them. Being generally upbeat so they would feel normal. And the surprising thing is that they are doing SO well right now. When my H and I would have screaming fights with him getting physical and things being shouted in front of them with no censor...it was BAD. I don't want that toxicity and poison back in this house. Its taken a long time to get them this well and sometimes one conversation with me and my H can result in hell.

 

They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning and the reason I don't feel alone in the world

[Praying4Peace]

(Was thinking of commenting, but cannot be nice...Wouldn't call it a mistake, unless her panties just fell off during said encounters with this other dude...leaves thread *prepares for the hippies of LS to bash cause he said it wasn't a "mistake" wrist slap me too please!)

 

Todd...please do post. I think I need to hear it.

[cocorico]

She had said that she will never give him a D because she hates me more than she hates him and she wouldn't be able to handle us being 'free'.

 

P4P you know that is impossible, right? That she could not force him to stay M if he really wanted a D? That if he is still with her it is because, for whatever reasons, he is choosing to stay - not because she won't consent to a D. I'm not pointing that out to be mean, but to explore why you are choosing to continue to see it like that. Is it because you are still hoping that you could get together with him ultimately? What is your ideal outcome to all of this?

 

Two couples splitting up so that two APs can be together is a very high risk strategy, and there are many cases on here of it not working out because only one follows through and the other remains in their M. In your AP's case, it sounds as if he was hoping his BW would make that call for him and kick him out, that he lacked the wherewithal to make that happen himself. This is not u common. But if his BW is "refusing to D" simply because she does not wish to see you and him together, she is trapping herself in a problematic and quite possibly unsustainable situation, which may well see their M fall apart in the future. And at that point, especially if you are doing well, it is quite possible your fAP may come looking for you so that he does not have to be alone or face the consequences of ruining two Rs. Would you consider a R with him in those conditions?

 

I am glad you are focusing on your kids, but I think you need to focus on yourself, too. Not on more blaming or anger, but on where you want to take your life and what you want your future to look like, and start working toward that. It's great you have an amicable R with your xH, and you owe both of yourselves and your kids the effort of keeping it like that. And part of that is accepting that however badly you might have played things in the past, the future offers new possibilities to make solid, sensible, healthy decisions, and that you can start doing that right now.

 

I hope things work out well for you in your new life.

[Praying4Peace]

Cocorico,

 

Oh no, he's where he wants to be and expressly chose to be. I know that. He's got issues. If they were to break up (I honestly doubt that's likely) and he were to come back looking for someone for his codependency issues I likely wouldn't be able to handle it. I am going through this alone- everyone should go through this alone. If I'm not dead I wouldn't hand hold someone else who always is looking for a soft spot to land on. I also think its just too much drama with his W. Realistically, I don't think it would work out (with so much hate between the families and the inlaws) but that doesn't stop me from missing our time together and missing our friendship.

 

Thanks for your advice : )

 

P4P

[skywriter]

Hi Paperangel. The BW knows everything except for what happened at the end after the final Dday (that we spoke and saw each other again). The amount she knows is just not fathomable but if anything it serves him *really* well. She had said that she will never give him a D because she hates me more than she hates him and she wouldn't be able to handle us being 'free'. I can understand that, I guess. But ex-MM sure gets a great deal with her fawning all over him out of guilt, low self confidence and trying to save the marriage.

 

As for STD's....you may laugh but I've never been with anyone but my H and he has never been with anyone but his W (and his W has only been with him). It makes the whole thing a bit harder emotionally speaking.

 

 

Yea, that is funny, because, I was told the same thing by my exAP. Guess, I don't have to tell you, it was a lie!

[Praying4Peace]

Yea, that is funny, because, I was told the same thing by my exAP. Guess, I don't have to tell you, it was a lie!

 

Hi Skywriter-

Its actually true. It wasn't some big revelation either. Its pretty common in my background. His W would ask him questions via text about whether all people feel the same, etc. and how it isn't fair that he's gotten a taste of someone different now. Yuck, wont' go into detail.

[skywriter]

Hi Skywriter-

Its actually true. It wasn't some big revelation either. Its pretty common in my background. His W would ask him questions via text about whether all people feel the same, etc. and how it isn't fair that he's gotten a taste of someone different now. Yuck, wont' go into detail.

 

Ewwww.... you will eventually be relieved to be out of this A.

[Praying4Peace]

OP:

I hope your children are quite small. Little kids do not comprehend the stupid mistakes adults make.

 

Why did you need this affair?

 

Find out through therapy why you find yourself where you are.

 

Why did you end your marriage and home? What was the goal? What were you looking for?

 

Hi Pierre.

 

I wish I knew the answers to all these questions. I always thought I was a very self confident, secure person. I have no trouble making friends, I enjoy so many things in life, I don't feel unattractive or anything like that. But according to you, you'd say I need external validation...right?

 

To answer your question- I never needed this affair! I didn't go looking for it at all. It just happened, but as soon as I started to see him as more I should've back off and I didn't. I guess I was self centered. The pull was too strong on both ends. I needed him and I could clearly see how much he needed me. If anything- he needed me more. He was a very broken person and I could see that. He told me he was immediately attracted to my personality, my can-do attitude, my self confidence. I feel like he sucked me dry. By the end, his ego and his self confidence was through the roof and I was a miserable pile on the floor. But I digress.

 

When the PA started (very soon after we admitted the EA to each other...his move) I just was so taken by him I thought of no one else. It makes no sense. I hadn't felt emotional intimacy from my H for a long time. We don't fight, we are great friends but we don't enjoy the same activities and we just never spent any time together. We also had some old resentments.

 

My therapist says that AP and I spoke the exact same Love Language- which was completely different than our spouses. My Love Language is Acts of Service and Quality Time/ Physical Touch (tied). So are his. Add that to having to work together (just us 2) on a project that we both were passionate about and its a recipe for disaster.

 

My kids aren't that young. A middle schooler and elementary aged and a toddler at that time. The two eldest I think know in their hearts that someone else was involved. My H was definitely not quiet about it. I know one day that the memory will resurface...