tuxedo cat Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) I try not to play games and just be genuine and let a guy know that I like him when we're dating. Lately it has been backfiring. With every guy I think to myself "maybe he will be different from the rest." But it never works out. Often all I do is say things that are equal to what he's said to me but even that seems to be too much. Whenever I make myself vulnerable and it's not reciprocated I end up feeling icky afterwards. And yet in every new relationship I go in a bit naively hoping he's the exception. For example new guy spent a lot of time preparing our date last night, cooking for me, and I wanted to show my appreciation so today I sent him what I thought was a very sweet, friendly email about how much I enjoyed the evening and talking with him about his work (which is genuinely fascinating). I'm not really a morning person and I was concerned I had seemed unenthusiastic in the morning because my head was still full of cobwebs. The email seemed appropriate, especially because he sent me a similar kind of email a few days ago. He didn't respond. Sadly last night I was just starting to feel the beginnings of an attachment forming. This always seems to be when the guy cools off. Whenever this happens it's a bit like--what? Are all my instincts with men off? I guess from now on I should take it as a red flag when a guy tells me he has a lot of baggage from an ex who mistreated him. Last night new guy tells me he is scared of getting hurt because his ex--who broke up with him two years ago--really hurt him. She ended things after with him after proposing they have an open relationship. He didn't get into much detail but indicated she had played games with him and messed with his head. He said flat out that he has "a lot of baggage." Last guy had an ex who mistreated him as well and he stayed with her for a couple of years after the mistreatment started. This (last) guy ended up telling me I was more affectionate than the other girls he'd been with and he found it off-putting. I've been noticing this trend in a lot of my own and other women's experiences. It seems like if a guy has a history of getting involved with and being discarded by bitchy women, he can't commit to someone who is fully affectionate. The only guys I've been with who liked how I am were ones who had very little or no serious relationship experience so they hadn't acquired any baggage. The thing is I don't want to play games, I don't want to act aloof. I know it may increase my success but I just really want someone who isn't put off by my natural affection and openness. It's something I value about myself. Why is it so difficult to find someone else who does? What am I doing wrong? Edited April 8, 2013 by tuxedo cat 1
Woggle Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Some people are so used to getting hurt that they don't know how to have a healthy relationship. Being mistreated almost becomes like a drug to them. 3
TheFinalWord Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I can only speak from my experience, but I hope that it provides you some assistance. For example new guy spent a lot of time preparing our date last night, cooking for me, and I wanted to show my appreciation so today I sent him what I thought was a very sweet, friendly email about how much I enjoyed the evening and talking with him about his work (which is genuinely fascinating). I'm not really a morning person and I was concerned I had seemed unenthusiastic in the morning because my head was still full of cobwebs. The email seemed appropriate, especially because he sent me a similar kind of email a few days ago. It's only been one day. You have to relax a bit Women often put their feelings out way too fast. I don't know what the e-mail reads, but you may be coming off more desperate than you think (desperation is like OFF bug repellant to men). I think many of the excuses these men are giving are typical fall back excuses to unconsciously warn you not to come on too strong too fast. Most men, will not care about their ex for long if you are what they are looking for. Unless it is very fresh, or their is some mental issue, if I break up with a woman and then meet a new woman that I'm really digging, the ex will be forgotten quickly. He didn't respond. Sadly last night I was just starting to feel the beginnings of an attachment forming. This always seems to be when the guy cools off. Whenever this happens it's a bit like--what? Are all my instincts with men off? Your instincts for how you are portraying yourself, perhaps. I guess from now on I should take it as a red flag when a guy tells me he has a lot of baggage from an ex who mistreated him. Last night new guy tells me he is scared of getting hurt because his ex--who broke up with him two years ago--really hurt him. She ended things after with him after proposing they have an open relationship. He didn't get into much detail but indicated she had played games with him and messed with his head. He said flat out that he has "a lot of baggage." If he is telling you about an ex that fast and laying out all of this drama (the ex is not you, so you don't deserve retroactive punishment), chances are he is actually telling you that you come on too strong, too fast. Last guy had an ex who mistreated him as well and he stayed with her for a couple of years after the mistreatment started. This (last) guy ended up telling me I was more affectionate than the other girls he'd been with and he found it off-putting. Okay, all my prior comments were written before I read this. Yes, you are coming across not as affectionate, but too fast, too strong. Desparation and clingingless. I'm not trying to bash you by saying this, but I am assuming you are asking for critique I've been noticing this trend in a lot of my own and other women's experiences. It seems like if a guy has a history of getting involved with and being discarded by bitchy women, he can't commit to someone who is fully affectionate. I think you should not look at those other women, but listen to what these men are saying and read their actions. How are you actions causing these fall outs? The only guys I've been with who liked how I am were ones who had very little or no serious relationship experience so they hadn't acquired any baggage. Their lack of experience made them not know how clingy behaviors damages a relationship. So they actually lasted longer b/c of inexperience, not because with these guys you were doing something different. The thing is I don't want to play games, I don't want to act aloof. I know it may increase my success but I just really want someone who isn't put off by my natural affection and openness. It's something I value about myself. Why is it so difficult to find someone else who does? What am I doing wrong? This is something I hear women say "I don't want to play games" usually that tells me you want an instant relationship. Relationships have to develop naturally, over time. Basically, I think you're trying too hard. Just relax and let these men show themselves to you slowly. Make yourself harder to catch and more of a challenge. All the best to you. Again, not trying to bash you here, just help. Hope it's perceived that way!!
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I don't think my email was at all clingy. I even had a couple of friends read it--a man and a woman--before sending it. And as I wrote he sent me a very similar email a couple of days prior so I was basically responding in kind. I can't think of anything I've done with him that could be objectively construed as clingy. The most effusive thing I've said is that I really like him and this was AFTER he said the same thing to me. I almost always let him initiate contact first.
Poppy fields Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I think you shouldn't read too much into the fact that he hasn't responded to an email that you just sent today. Maybe he is busy. Maybe he is thinking about what to say. Maybe he would like to talk to you in person. Don't sweat it yet. Be yourself and try to relax.
pbjbear Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I dont know what to tell ya. I have the same problem. I am a reallllly honest person and dont play games. I think we are too "easy" for men.
TheFinalWord Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) I don't think my email was at all clingy. I even had a couple of friends read it--a man and a woman--before sending it. And as I wrote he sent me a very similar email a couple of days prior so I was basically responding in kind. I can't think of anything I've done with him that could be objectively construed as clingy. The most effusive thing I've said is that I really like him and this was AFTER he said the same thing to me. I almost always let him initiate contact first. Okay, that's cool. Just my two cents. He could write you back still It just appears there is a trend. Yes, maybe you are just getting a string of men fresh from a break up. I just know for me, an ex is not really an issue. I would only bring it up as a way to inadvertently tell a new girl I'm dating to stop doing some behavior (he probably is not comfortable to confront you yet). The thing is I don't want to play games, I don't want to act aloof. I know it may increase my success but I just really want someone who isn't put off by my natural affection and openness. It's something I value about myself. Why is it so difficult to find someone else who does? What am I doing wrong? Also wanted to add, that there is nothing wrong with your natural affection and openness. It is just that for many women, their timing for it is not aligned for when the man is ready to receive it. Edited April 8, 2013 by TheFinalWord
ChessPieceFace Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 When it comes to communication from women I think less is more. If a girl is constantly messaging me it's just going to bug me. Not sure what you sent but maybe it was too long. Making yourself too available kills the chase, even when seriously dating, IMO.
denxnis Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I'm going to take a shot in the dark here, maybe get a boob job or some Victoria's Secret that makes your boobs bigger. P.S. This solution can be applied to 99.9% of women's problems.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 He will respond I do know that being patient is tough :/ 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 You could try to give the guy some armchair psycho-analysis. That might counter the affection you're giving and balance things out. That's my thing I psychoanalyze a guy (to him) since date 1 :S The problem with that is that once things end, they still want to keep coming back for advice on just about anything
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I'm going to take a shot in the dark here, maybe get a boob job or some Victoria's Secret that makes your boobs bigger. P.S. This solution can be applied to 99.9% of women's problems. I'm happy with my boobs but thanks for the generic advice.
outsidethebox Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Choosing a guy who tells you being affectionate is off putting for a start.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 You could try to give the guy some armchair psycho-analysis. That might counter the affection you're giving and balance things out. I can't tell if you're being serious? What do you mean exactly.
FitChick Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 How new is new guy? Was this the first time you had sex? How many dates prior? Sounds like you need to ask a man on the very first date or even before you meet him, how long ago he split up with his ex and who left whom. Then don't make the same mistake again.
chelsea2011 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Maybe you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. If a guy is telling you about baggage that early YOU should be put off. It's not a really good sign because it means they still have some healing to do. Or worse, it meanshey might be stuck. I only say this because Ive been guilty of talking about past relationships and learned a hard lesson. When you start seeing someone new it is always better to view it as a clean slate and a new start. If a guy brings up a past relationship you should just steer him away from discussing it and say, "that's in the past and has nothing to do with us getting to know one another." Dont let them stew in the past or you will only end up being a reminder of their past and it may cause them to want to move on to someone else. Set a boundary and change the subject. Maybe try pulling a George Costanza and when you feel the urge to react the way you normally do force yourself to do the opposite.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 How new is new guy? Was this the first time you had sex? How many dates prior? Sounds like you need to ask a man on the very first date or even before you meet him, how long ago he split up with his ex and who left whom. Then don't make the same mistake again. We actually haven't had sex yet, but yeah I agree with the rest of your advice.
Els Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 My experience has been that finding someone whom you can truly be yourself with and who will appreciate you for that person, is a rarity. It takes a lot of compatibility in many aspects for that to happen. Sorry this one didn't work out, but I do believe you'll find such a person in the future. Best of luck.
dasein Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 That you had three people vet your email and that you are worried he hasn't replied on a Sunday says you may be overinvesting yourself in this too soon. If back and forth contact early on gets you that angsty, don't do it. Modern telecomm has made us on pins and needles as far as instant gratification is concerned in the returned contact department. If you get wound up over an unreturned weekend email, is it possible you are throwing off stress or pressure in other ways when face-to-face? Try to enjoy the early going more. If it's any help, I only check my work email on weekends, and sometimes don't check personal email on weekends at all. People with emergencies can call on the phone. Many people are like this more and more in response to the shackles of 24/7 contact availability. Maybe he is similar? Suggest calling on the phone and leaving a simple message "thanks for a great time" going forward. That way you get your message across without waiting around for a reply. I have a hunch you will hear from him soon.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) Update: He responded to my email early yesterday morning. He was very enthusiastic, told me would teach me everything he knows about his line of work (I expressed an interest in learning more as I've always been intrigued by the field) and ended by saying that he can't wait to see me again. A couple of hours after sending the response he texted: "Hey you How is your day going?" It was really nice out and he told he'd so much rather be admiring me in the sun than staring at a computer screen. Then later in the day he started another text conversation and asked me if I was wearing a dress because of the weather. I told him I was and he said that I must look really nice and he hopes I wear one when we see each other next if the weather permits. Then later on he initiated yet another convo. Weird...maybe my email actually had a positive effect? Whatever the reason, it's such a relief! I really dig this guy. I need to stop jumping to the worst case scenario and working myself into a tizzy. Edited April 10, 2013 by tuxedo cat
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) Oddly I noticed that in the last few days he has unfriended his ex from his facebook and deleted all of her posts on his wall from when they were together two years ago, including a photo of them together that she had tagged him in. Edited April 10, 2013 by tuxedo cat
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 I'm still put off by his ex baggage. Even his sudden cutting of all ties with her suggests to me that she still has some sort of hold on him. If he didn't care he wouldn't have bothered. I'm hoping for the best but I'll try to keep my eyes wide open. Once we get a bit closer I'm going to ask him if he's completely over her and gauge his response.
salparadise Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The thing is I don't want to play games, I don't want to act aloof. I know it may increase my success but I just really want someone who isn't put off by my natural affection and openness. It's something I value about myself. Why is it so difficult to find someone else who does? What am I doing wrong? I don't think you should automatically conclude that you're doing something wrong. I think you should continue being yourself, open and affectionate. That way when you meet someone who really appreciates you for it, you will have found someone who appreciates you just for who you are as opposed to a facade you created based on what you think might work for most guys. I for one am attracted by women who are confident enough to be just who they are, and when they can do that and then express affection toward me, it turns my knees into jello. Being authentic is beautiful. That's not the same thing as revealing everything you feel immediately though. I do think you should steer clear of guys who are still dwelling on their pain - they're not really available.
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