CryForNoOne Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 (edited) I've noticed a pattern that some actions very early on seem to define my relationships with both friends and lovers. So this question applies to both. Is the nature of the relationship inevitable or is it really shaped by early actions? A few instances I can think of: - I have a really odd friendship with my best friend, whom I've known for over 20 years. In college we were competitive about school and sports. To this day we constantly talk $h!t and insult each other. We fight like brothers. Sometimes it gets so bad, we can't even hang out together. We've both tried to break the dynamic but just can't. It seems set in stone. That said, there is no one other than a blood relative that either of us trusts more. We'd both drop everything in time of need and would take a bullet for each other - and the friendship has been tested that way. I have no other friendship that remotely resembles this dynamic. He claims the same... - I met my "dream girl" about 2 months ago, and things went well the first couple dates, but I eventually got friend zoned and now it seems there is no way out of it. In retrospect I feel I made some critical mistakes and now wonder if I blew my chance and that the FZ was NOT inevitable. - Last year I dated a girl who was so sweet and polite in public. One of us said something suggestive on the second date, and it unleashed relentless dirty talk and very physical foreplay EVERY time we were alone. Let's just say I couldn't drive anywhere without either crashing or pulling over. We only dated about a month so I never got a sense if she was that way all the time or just with me. - I'm just starting a relationship with a girl and we established tons of touching and affection within 20 minutes of meeting. We both said that's usual for both of us, but it happened and it feels great. I'm also being very forward about my feelings for her. i.e. revealing things I might not say if I was fearful of rejection or playing games. She responded by coming out again the night after our first date. No games. All of these relationships strike me as being defined by some trigger very early on. They don't feel inevitable to me. So it makes me wonder how these and other relationships I've had would differ or maybe even exist / not exist if a different path was chosen very early on... Edited April 7, 2013 by CryForNoOne
january2011 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I believe that every relationship dynamic is unique. It is created by the two people in that relationship and is determined by how their personalities and backgrounds mesh together. Having said that, people are constantly being changed by their environment, other people and subsequent experiences. Therefore, even though you appear to behave in the same way, in terms of the overall tone of the relationship, there are subtle differences. Perhaps things might have been different if your actions were different, but presumably you would still be yourself and therefore the fundamental elements of the relationship would remain the same. Since interdimensional travel is not a reality at the moment, I guess we will never know.
dasein Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Not sure how the first pattern fits in with the rest. As to the others, the pattern seems to be women responding well to you, that's a good thing. If the pattern you are describing is "heat early on," then IME that's just a reality of dating in the nightlife environment today. Lots of people skip steps today and expect immediate gratification of some sort. If you want to move slower and not be perpetually rejected due to that slower pace, you may need to seek out different types of options. Get involved with life activities that involve longterm goals as opposed to short term to meet others involved in similar.
Author CryForNoOne Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Not sure how the first pattern fits in with the rest. As to the others, the pattern seems to be women responding well to you, that's a good thing. If the pattern you are describing is "heat early on," then IME that's just a reality of dating in the nightlife environment today. Lots of people skip steps today and expect immediate gratification of some sort. If you want to move slower and not be perpetually rejected due to that slower pace, you may need to seek out different types of options. Get involved with life activities that involve longterm goals as opposed to short term to meet others involved in similar. I guess I didn't really make my point clear. The commonality is that each relationship seemed to be defined by some early actions that aren't typical of all my other relationships, and after a certain amount of time, it seems those characteristics are set in stone. So I wonder if I'm adapting to that person too much and if I really have more control than I think in shaping those relationships? The reason I created this thread is that with this new girl, I'm kinda excited about how I think I might be breaking a pattern I have. The times I've had "heat early on" is always with more promiscuous girls and they rarely lead to anything long term - actually never. She gave me this I'm shy, I've got barriers vibe, but I really like her. In the past I might have just let that define the night and it would have been a dud date. But this time I feel like I "created" something and she's really hooked on me now. I've been on a ton of dates recently and between that and absorbing comments/advice on the forum, I think it has helped a lot.
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