How to stop the fighting

[shouldistay]

My hubby and I fight all the time and sometimes it can be disastrous. I feel like we communicate poorly, there are so many things that neither of us can ever understand about what the other person is trying to say, and assumptions are being made on both sides. This has put us in some very sticky situations.

 

But how do I make it stop? My hubby is very hard-headed and I'm stubborn. We have had some financial problems because I am still in my undergrad and he's moving onto his second graduate degree. This leaves us with very little money. However, my hubby is the only one working right now as I am currently in the market for finding a part-time job. But he thinks that because he makes the money he has complete control over it.

 

Example: We are going to be moving in July to another city for school and therefore have to break our current lease on our apartment. We have been saving money left and right, I even had to cancel my insurance because it was costing us too much money each month. We don't even have cable. But my husband buys comic books every month and wants to see movies every month without fail (including IMAX 3D) which is very pricey.

 

I have no access to our money except for one credit card because he doesn't want to go with me to open a joint account even after I closed my own bank account. When I try to talk to him and tell him that we can't be spending unnecessary money, he gets angry with me and tries every angle to justify his need to spend this money. This leads to lots of fights because I don't spend money on anything but essentials. And if I do, even buying a drink when I go out to with my sister or mom, all hell breaks loose.

 

I don't know how to handle this. And it's not just about money either. It's about everything. It could be about helping split housework 50/50. It could be about him wanting to spend $22 on a new shirt even though he has more than 100 shirts (not exaggerating) or it could be about him getting that new Star Wars action figure. Or even about me getting the car to do something and he ride his bike to school. I always lose. No matter what it is and it is very fustrating. He literally does whatever he wants with no regard to me or to US as a whole.

 

We don't have any extra money for counseling because I have tried getting us to go to that. I'm trying to do some research online, but I always find stuff about how women should be making the compromises and I don't fly by that. I think relationships should be equal. However, my hubby also grew up in a home where his mom still pays for his phone and car insurance (He's 27 and MARRIED) and will still do his dishes and clean up after him when we visit her. And he gets mad at me whenever I even suggest taking over these payments.

 

Is there a book or good resources that can help me? I am seriously on the verge of losing my mind with him. He is literally incapable of changing despite all the changes I have made for him. I just don't think he realizes how jeopardized our marriage has become and that he thinks I'll put up with him this ways forever. But I'm not so sure if that'll be the case which is why I want to fix things.

 

Please help!

Edited April 7, 2013 by shouldistay

[Poppy fields]

Oh my, this is a nightmare. He seems to have the emotional maturity of a puppy.

 

I wish I had some advice. The best I can give you is to get thee to counseling post haste. If you can't get him to go, go for yourself so you can learn to cope with his behavior. I personally would not cope with it, but I don't know your circumstances so I can't judge you for staying. Just try to take some actions to improve this adolescent hell you are living in.

[CompleteFailure]

Are you close with his mom? Maybe you could talk to her sincerely about the issues you are facing. She might be sympathetic and talk to him. It could make him angry or humiliated though.