lifelesson101 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 How did those of you who found yourself in a an abrupt no contact situation survive it? It has been two months for me of no contact whatsoever and my thoughts and emotions are still all over the place. I will have a good day and the next day find myself crying over some trigger. Does this EVER get batter? *sigh*
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 I was informed it needed to end, it was abrupt and final. Though, that is OK, I think a lot of conversation about it and trying to seek closure would have just made it worse. I was just under the impression from what I have read on line that after 30 there is a great deal of healing and most can move on. I still feel "bogged down."
wisernow Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 How did those of you who found yourself in a an abrupt no contact situation survive it? It has been two months for me of no contact whatsoever and my thoughts and emotions are still all over the place. I will have a good day and the next day find myself crying over some trigger. Does this EVER get batter? *sigh* Yes, it most certainly does get better. I was thrust into NC abruptly as well, never heard from him again and its been 2-1/2 years. I can really accept and appreciate that abruptness and finality as a blessing now. I feel bad for the women (and men) who allow the little crumbs of contact to continue for months and even years. To me, that would truly be madness. Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with people who love and care about you. There unfortunately is no magic pill, but time and distance does make it better. Sorry you're hurting. 5
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 The above should have read: *after 30 days*
RickFox Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 It gets better, you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and understand the emotions will cycle for quite a while. This means you will feel great and feel like you're moving forward and then without warning or reason, you will find youself back at square one....you just take it as it comes and move forward. It feels like the world is ending, like you can't go on, but you will move on. It would have been nice to get 'closure' but you deal with the cards you are dealt and take it day by day. BTW, 30 days is nothing....if you were truly completely involved with this other person, it's going to take much much longer. 2
secretlady76 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 The poster is a male. So what have you been doing for the last 2 months? Have you done anything that could have potentially hindered your progress? How long was the relationship?
wisernow Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 The poster is a male. So what have you been doing for the last 2 months? Have you done anything that could have potentially hindered your progress? How long was the relationship? What difference does it matter if the OP is male or female?
secretlady76 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 The poster above me said "He probably had a D-Day", thinking that the OP was a female....I think...
wisernow Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 The poster above me said "He probably had a D-Day", thinking that the OP was a female....I think... Oh, I got ya!
Praying4Peace Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 LifeLessons- Are you married? Is your AP married? I went from MOW to OW to ex-OW and I find it so difficult because I have nothing to distract myself or work on...just loneliness since NC almost 4 months ago. The first 30 days were the worst. It felt physically painful, couldn't catch my breath...would give myself false hope to get through the day. Now its just sadness but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Sometimes its just waves of sadness or a trigger, sometimes I feel okay and ready to let go of all the memories...but I want to get to a place where he isn't the 'ruler of all emotions' in my life. 2
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for all the responses and support. BTW - Not that gender matters; but I am female. I just signed up to Loveshack today and noticed for some reason "male" was checked on my profile. I fixed it. No confusion going forward.
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 LifeLessons- Are you married? Is your AP married? I went from MOW to OW to ex-OW and I find it so difficult because I have nothing to distract myself or work on...just loneliness since NC almost 4 months ago.] I am still legally married. I have my own apartment and my husband and I have been separated for more than two years. We have our house on the market and want it sold so it is not a factor when we divorce. Our children are grown adults. There will be no spousal support, child support, etc. when the house sells we can be divorced in 12 weeks. It is amicable. Anyhow... Yes, my AP was married. Not one of my shining moments. I work myself half to death to keep busy so I don't have to think. Thankfully, I have a good job and I can get lost in it if I choose to.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Lots of hugs. I was really "connected" in a weird way to my XMM for 16 years before the actual affair so even though I have really had no contact (email, text, phone) for almost 3 years, it's still hard some days for me. Some of it is because we live in close proximity and his parents live in the same community as I do and his BS's mother lives here also so I see them quite regularly although they treat me like sh@@. I have passed in by car a couple of times - once he waved and the last couple of times he pretended not to see me. I have physically seen him once in 3 years. What has helped me most recently is refraining at looking at anything ( and I mean anything) online - even if someone tells me something and I am curious I am being very strict with myself and not allowing myself to look. So anything you can do to distract yourself, meet new people (I started taking guitar lessons), etc helps a lot. Hang in there. 1
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 We don't live in close proximity - thank goodness for that! I keep busy and work tons. That seems to help right now. Wow... it has been three years for you and you still have "pangs?" I sure hope mine goes away completely. Hang in there and take good care of yourself. Just I have learned, we deserve better. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Sorry to hear you're part of the NC healing process. After DDay, we made it 4 months with NC. First two weeks I could only cry & very minimally function. By month 2, I was still thinking of him everyday but wasn't crying as often but still had some very low moments. Have you tried IC? I finally started at month 3, and it did help bring able to actually say all the crap out loud, even if I didn't think my therapist herself helped me a ton in addressing root causes. Then MM called me :/ So todays day 6 NC but this time around, isn't quite as debilitating in the beginning. My healing goals for this week are to find a new therapist and to hire a personal trainer. Figure those are healthier time fillers than the extra tv, wine, working, & infidelity web surfing that's been keeping me occupied for the past week Best of luck to you...NC can definitely be a daily struggle.. 1
movingon45 Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Yes, it does gets easier, but I don't think that you will ever forget. The first 2 weeks for me was hell. After 1-2 months I felt better but on and off. I think it also depends on one's personality. I tend to be obsessive so I have a very hard time. Although I haven't made contact he's still on my mind. I also find it very difficult not to check his Instagram. Roller coaster, like I have deleted my account many times just so I don't have to check his. 2
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Thanks again, everyone. BrokenPrincess mentioned surfing infidelity sites: I have started to do that this past week. The first month of NC I could not stay focused long enough to read an entire thread! I am so surprised there are so many others in my shoes, or who have been in my shoes. I have come to realize I can find support here - but no answers as to why he ended it so coldly. One day it was "normal," we talked he told me he love me, etc. The next day, bam >>> the two line note stating we needed to go no contact his wife found out. My insecuriteis and ruminating are getting the best of me. I wonder if she really found out, or if he was tired of me, us, this. . . and just used a "get out of jail free card," so to speak. * Ugghhhh. This needs to pass. I just want to feel normal again.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I would say it's not because he wanted to, but had to. If things are smooth they generally do not cut it off. He had a D-Day and had to make a choice. It sucks. That's for sure. Especially the silence. One day at a time. There are many of us here that have walked it (are still walking it?) - anyway you have support here. Come here and vent. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. 1
Author lifelesson101 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Thank you. I am living one day at at time, putting one foot in front of the other, if I want to or not. I will survive this. You all have been wonderful. Thank you for the insight.
ScarlettKaren Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Thank god I've found this thread. I'm two weeks in (nearly 3) and I never thought things could hurt this much. My MM had a DD and after a short set of texts that was it. The next morning I was unfriended, unlinked in a few days later and last night totally blocked from his Facebook. I'm going to presume this is all dictates from the wife as I haven't attempted contact. It ended a 3 year affair that was as much friendship and support as it was love and sex. The hole in my life is huge. I don't know how to fill the gap anymore. 1
loredo21 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Thank god I've found this thread. I'm two weeks in (nearly 3) and I never thought things could hurt this much. My MM had a DD and after a short set of texts that was it. The next morning I was unfriended, unlinked in a few days later and last night totally blocked from his Facebook. I'm going to presume this is all dictates from the wife as I haven't attempted contact. It ended a 3 year affair that was as much friendship and support as it was love and sex. The hole in my life is huge. I don't know how to fill the gap anymore. Wow my ending was very similar. First came the texts, my company email was deleted, I was unfriended, and then by the time I got to my 2500 mile road trip desination to clear my head I had been blocked on all fronts. phone included. I assume it was the wife too, but have been told by some BS that that just isn't the case. Either way, it stung real bad. That the ending could be so quick and hurtful. I can say I have moved on from him though not the A and destruction. And the state of my life is still in shambles and I am now 9 months into NC. I hate to make the future seem bleak but it takes years! 2-5 I guess. 1
ScarlettKaren Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Well that wasn't what I wanted to hear, even if it is what I needed. I spent most of the next couple of day waiting for some explanation (or at least an indication that I was safe from her coming after me) but nothing. Not a word. I don't even know how much she knows. It kills me. Ok. Everything kills me right now.
loredo21 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad if I did...I'm not the norm. From what I gather here most WS come back at some point. I am actually shocked mine hasn't...there have been little things like him and his W following my boards on Pinterest and some music stuff too. But no real contact. I've had many marital and mental health problems though for years before my A and I am a constant work in progress. A's aren't really something that one can get over quickly. I encourage you to read more stories here and post your story as so people can give your exact situation the advice it deserves. there is a lot of great help and insight on this board.
ScarlettKaren Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 No more sad than I was before and it helps that I'm not alone. That is why these boards exist. I will post my story, I think it will help to get some larger perspective. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Thank god I've found this thread. I'm two weeks in (nearly 3) and I never thought things could hurt this much. My MM had a DD and after a short set of texts that was it. The next morning I was unfriended, unlinked in a few days later and last night totally blocked from his Facebook. I'm going to presume this is all dictates from the wife as I haven't attempted contact. It ended a 3 year affair that was as much friendship and support as it was love and sex. The hole in my life is huge. I don't know how to fill the gap anymore. It takes time. You had a fairly long relationship so to suddenly have it jerked out from underneath you is breaktaking. I'm over 3 years out and I still have my moments. It does get better, but it takes time. The only thing I can tell you is to breathe - breathe in and breathe out. It's spring time, so force yourself to go outside and take a walk. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. After D-Day all bets are off. Keep posting. There are many here who know how you feel. 1
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