kyleg517 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Ok without giving too much background information, I just need to know if what I am asking is viewed as controlling, or if you see it as a common relationship courtesy. The woman I love and I are going through a very rough time. we both love each other very much, but we both have hurt each other. Neither of us have cheated, but we are both very suspicious of each other due to our communication break down and widely differring opinions on how to handle such things. So what I ask of her is simple. Ill give you a quick background of why we got to where we are now. Last year, I tried to commit suicide. After being discharged from the military with health problems, but no backing from the VA my life spiraled out of control. One day one of my best friends stopped me (on time) from doing myself in. At the time, we WERE dating. She was there through the roughest time of my life and I am eternally greatful. However, things happened, and I moved on, but kept her as one of the only people I could confide in without being judged. Fast forward, I moved 280 miles from home to start a relationship with a great woman. She is older than I (i'm 26 and she is 34). She however, despises the fact that I still talk to the other girl. I am just friends with her, but my current girlfriend refuses to see that I'm just friends, but instead throws the fact that we used to date at me constantly. She forbade me from talking to her, but the girl saved my life, and is quite literally the only friend I have left. So naturally, even though I was forbidden to do so, I still talked to her. I never told my girlfriend though for obvious reasons. I felt like I was doing something wrong by not telling her, but I knew what would happen if I did. But I did not want to lose the only friend I had due to the severe insecurities of my girlfriend. I didn't know what else to do. Even though she nagged all the time, she was also doing the same thing with a guy friend I didn't like. The things she doesn't want me doing, are perfectly ok for her to do. And for everything I bring up, she had an excuse. When she would hang with this guy friend, I was completely ignored. No calls, no texts, nothing until she left. "My phone was in the car", "My phone was on silent", "I had no signal"... convenient right? The "justifications" never failed. Yet if I were to do the same, WWIII. Next, she would go out on girls-night-outs, and leave her phone at her friends house so I had no way of contacting her while she was out. But god forbid I do the same... and about the talking to persons of the opposite sex thing, HUGE double standard. I can't talk to the one female friend I have, yet she has several guy friends that shes allowed to talk to. Her justification? "I don't talk to them every day"... which was for the longest time utter bullsh**. The one guy friend that I hated, she would call every day all summer, make plans to hang out with him while I was at work, and as I said earlier, ignore me while she was with him. We even had a day out together, he calls while we were AT LUNCH, and she held a conversation with him for what could have turned into 10 minutes had I not hung up her phone for her. It made me so angry. He would also tell her to break up with me, call her things like baby girl, boo, etc. You know, pet names. About pet names, shes had three guys call her everything from darling, baby girl, boo, etc. She would always say "oh thats just how they are, they call everyone that".... everyone can agree that those are "pet" names right? However one girl called me "Ky" (my name is kyle), and she would start an all out war and call that a pet name. How the hell is someone calling me by half my name a pet name? And lastly, definitely need an outside opinion on this. I live with my brother, and every day his girlfriend spends time with him and stays over night. He finally gave her a house key so she deosnt have to leave with him (he leaves every morning at 8a). So he lets her sleep in. She usually sleeps til about 9 or so, wakes up, says bye to me (i am friends with her, and she IS with my brother every night, so she is very nice towards me), and leaves. Thats it. nothing more nothing less. However, my girlfriend comes over one day, finds out that she stays after he leaves, and basically says i'm sleeping with her. "Behind closed doors, you guys sleep together. the only thing separating you is a wall thats how it looks to everyone else". So I ask all of you, would it look that way to you if you all knew the situation? So many double standards and hypocrisies. Here's the problem. I love her to death, and even through the bull****, I know she loves me. So I did the one thing she asked of me, and pushed my best friend away to hopefully save this relationship. I only ask a few things of her. She calls it controlling, I call them common relationship courtesies. Am I being unreasonable? Here's what I ask of her. 1. If she goes out, in the very least send me a text and let me know when you leave one place and get to another safely. I worry while shes out, and I just want to know she is safe. I'm not asking her whereabouts, just to know she got from A-B ok. 2. If she speaks to any of these guy friends, tell me. She's had a really bad habit of lying to me in the past about talking to them, one thing she was very upset about with my friend. So why ask it of me if you aren't willing to do the same. 3. Make more of an attempt to keep in contact with me. I moved 280 miles away from my family and friends for her, but i may as well be living 280 miles away from her. More attention is given to her other friends than me. Getting a simple "thinking about you" text during the day is like pulling teeth. Yet she jumps at anyone else who contacts her, i see it all the time. All I want is to feel like she does think about me, and that me moving down here wasn't the biggest mistake i've ever made. Thats it. Thats all I ask of her, yet she tells me "I dont need to feel like im 5. I shouldnt have to check in, text you all the time, blah blah". Yet those are things she either asks fo me or expects from me. What do you guys think? Is that controlling, or common courtesies while in a serious relationship. Also, any other input on the situation as a whole would be appreciated.
Soph30 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 To be quite honest, I don't think you're controlling at all! What you want from her is what every relationship should have, and if those things are lacking then there is a problem. Everyone knows that honesty is the most important thing, and if you have pushed away your best friend for her and she can't be reasonable about the guys shes communicating with you need to sit down with her and talk it all through. You can't keep going on like this, it's not healthy and you shouldn't have to be forced to worry all night that she's okay or have to doubt whether she's telling the truth or not. This whole thing with your brother's gf just seems a little ridiculous, your gf obviously has some severe insecurities to think in such a way, you definitely are not doing anything wrong. But like they say, people generally are that way because of what they do themselves, she maybe knows that she isn't as faithful as she could be (by talking inappropriately to other guys) and then presumes you must be doing the same. I think the best thing for you both would be to sit down, go through every problem/feeling each of you has and try and find some common ground. I hope things work out for you. Ps, any help on the post I have started would be much appreciated!
WhoreyBull Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Well, the short form answer is you are not controlling... but I have a can of worms for you. I was in a much similar situation where I was told not to contact a friend I used to date who I was completely platonic with, but here is the thing... I told them, no, you don't tell me who I can talk to. You should have never ever ever agreed to do that if i's not what you wanted and you planed on lying. She is the controlling one, but now you are being dishonest when you weren't before. You lie about talking to her, why not sleeping with her? You placated your gf and now she is stepping all over you, and since you are a liar now you've bolstered her argument.
Author kyleg517 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 She is the controlling one, but now you are being dishonest when you weren't before. You lie about talking to her, why not sleeping with her? . short form answer to your question, shes about 300 miles away and living with her bf. And I would have been honest had she of asked. Yea its a catch 22, but that road went both ways
Noproblem Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 You shouldn't have left your best friend! That's so sad Your current girl friend has double standards and you both are controlling, she is more than you.....
Dq1983 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Well, I honestly can't say you're controlling because it sounds like there's no trust from both sides of it. I may be partial due to being a guy, but I'd question a guy calling my girlfriend those types of names too. It's a guy that my girlfriend is friends with that she says has never been intimate with, but it's funny how after dating for nearly 4 months she's never introduced us. It's supposedly her baby's godfather and she's been out to his house and is afraid to talk to me when she's around him. I just choose not to question it because the truth is gonna come out eventually. You can't stress yourself worrying about that though because you may find out something that you may end up going to jail over if in fact she is cheating. I would sit down and have a serious talk with her though because it sounds like you both do love each other. 1
anna121 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I know you said you love her, but this relationship seems terrible. No, you do not seem controlling.
SJC2008 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You're not controlling IMO. She may be but there's not enough evidence in your thread for a firm yes. Google "is she controlling" and read up on it. Some obvious signs a person's controlling is they're NEVER wrong, always defending themselves, "victim" mentality, try to isolate you from friends family. What I do know is she doesn't care about your boundaries, that's a lack of respect, selfish. And she has double standards.
CptSaveAho Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Your scenerios 1) Yup controlling (how ever you rationalize it... its report back to me at all times) no space for her 2)Your girlfriend is a loser, talking to multiple other guys that she hangs out with or talks to while youre at work. What does that make you for allowing this behavior to continue (continuing to date her)? 3) All I want is to feel like she does think about me, and that me moving down here wasn't the biggest mistake i've ever made. again why would you continue to date someone that makes you feel this way? do you enjoy being miserable/lonely/jealous/unloved/angry?
ChessPieceFace Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Your GF is hypocritical and controlling. I wouldn't stay with someone like what you've described.
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