"Hope" of reconciliation gone for good, trying to move forward...

[iouaname]

Could use some support, LS

 

My breakup was in mid-December, and I went no contact at the end of January. Throughout no contact, my ex tried to contact me many, many times. I did not respond, as hard as it was. Today, however, he called from an unidentified number and I answered. It happened. Even as it was happening I couldn't believe it was happening. He told me that he had been worried about me because I had cut contact so abruptly and he had no way of checking in on me. I just crumbled. I tried to hold it together but I was not ready to speak to him. I told him how his contact had been difficult for me because it left hope, and he responded that he didn't meant to do that because he is 100% certain that there is no future for us. He doesn't want a relationship at all right now, but knows that he does not ever want to re-enter into this one because there's too much history & hurt feelings, and he just didn't think long-distance could work.

 

Hearing that stung, but it was a nice change from all the mixed messages I had gotten during the break-up and have held on to for the past two months, and he was right. I had a meltdown but I told him that I could not be friends with him, that we needed to continue on without contact. This time, he agreed. He said he promised to not contact me again and that all he wanted was to know that I was okay. He's matured a lot in these two months.

 

I feel lost. I have gone through a lot of stages, and have had plenty of ups and downs. While the feelings feel just like the very time he dumped me, I have developed a lot of coping mechanisms and I know how to continue forward in order to get to a better place. It's just hard. The rejection, the feelings of worthlessness and uncertainty about my future, wondering if I will ever meet anyone who I will feel the same about and of course, the constant emptiness that I feel without him in his life.

 

I am not interested in a relationship right now or in dating or sex. I feel like a mentally unstable person. I need to get my own self together. I need to do some serious soul-searching to find out who I am and why I gave so much to this man, and why it has left me feeling so incomplete. Maybe the reason that I couldn't make this relationship work, despite wanting to so badly, is because I'm not meant to right now. I still have a long road in becoming who I am meant to be... but, I'll get there some day. And when I do, hopefully that is when I will meet the man that I'm meant to be with.

 

Ugh... life, sometimes

[na49]

Yeah life can kick your @ss sometimes..

 

I can't even imagine how hard it is to hear what he told you. You're holding onto that last bit of hope and he comes over to you, swats it out of your hands, steps on it and leaves you. Okay that's a little extreme, but maybe getting rid of hope can push you in the right direction. I know you're very strong just by reading your posts, and you helped me out so I know you're capable of getting past this.

 

If he didn't want a relationship, who knows why he was contacting you. He might care about you, but doesn't care enough to take a hint. In a way you could see this as a good thing. Getting rid of hope can be a good thing, and honestly even after we get rid of hope we still have it. I have every reason to believe my ex doesn't want to be with me and I still have hope.

 

No more messages from him will help you. My healing didn't start until I blocked my ex's number 3 months ago. The first two months of NC for me were a joke honestly. It was just me ignoring her and telling myself I was healing. Not hearing from her was the best thing that could happen to me. It can be the best thing to happen to you too. Sadly nothing I tell you can make you feel better at the moment though. Let your feelings out and keep going because it's all you can do.

[iouaname]

Thanks for reading and the support, na!

 

You're completely right, being able to let go of the hope and know that there is nothing left for the two of us is somewhat freeing. I am not able to be with anyone right now because I have a lot of soul-searching to do, and he is beginning to date again and has apparently been seeing a model casually. I felt a twinge of jealousy, but I am happy for him. He's strong and he's doing well and moving on with his life. Good for him for recognizing that he was not happy in this relationship and that he needed to make changes to his life to be happy. I hope to one day possess that same kind of strength - because truthfully, I should have pulled the trigger on the relationship a long time ago but did not.

 

And yes, I am happy that he agreed to not contact me again. It means no more wondering when or if I'm going to hear from him - because I'm not. He did say that he would really like to be friends in the future because I changed his life. I would like to be friends, but that would be far off. Maybe years, if ever. Right now it's just not the right thing for me.

 

I had the meltdown last night. It was bad, it was pathetic, and it was pitiful. But today, it's time to move forward and not be pathetic and pitiful.

[steveT95]

If you need to cry then cry.

 

If you are angry get angry.

 

Let out the emotions but don't let them consume you.

Your post sounds similar to my tale, with him contacting you which made you hold on hope. It takes them actually saying it for things to hit home. And it is a massive blow. But for now focus on what you need, keep busy doing things for yourself. Treat yourself to something nice

[thefooloftheyear]

I know its little consolation, but...

 

Knowing all hope is gone is REALLy putting you on the true path for recovery. What sucks is that its almost like starting all over again(from the breakup).

 

Look at it this way. Would you rather he told you a lie and said something like "hey, you never know what the future holds" or something like that? So you NEVER really heal, just waiting indefinitely for that welcome back phone call?

 

You'll find love again...I am sure of that.

 

TFOY

[na49]

Good for him for recognizing that he was not happy in this relationship and that he needed to make changes to his life to be happy. I hope to one day possess that same kind of strength - because truthfully, I should have pulled the trigger on the relationship a long time ago but did not.

 

You saying this is a great sign! I just had this epiphany a few weeks ago and it's great. Saying to myself "If she wasn't happy with me, she didn't have to stay with me". It makes me feel better about the BU actually. Like okay, we weren't meant for each other apparently. Yes it sucks. Yes I'm depressed about it. Yes I loved her. but it doesn't matter how much we love them, if they don't feel the same way there's nothing we can do.

 

Of course, you'll be friends with him on your terms and your terms alone. My hope is that he doesn't come back a month or two from now trying to push friendship on you.

 

I had the meltdown last night. It was bad, it was pathetic, and it was pitiful. But today, it's time to move forward and not be pathetic and pitiful.

 

No it wasn't. You're human! You have feelings! Stop being so hard on yourself! A lot of people here do this (beating themselves up for crying or missing their ex). I do it too, but my counselor helped me realize that I'm being too hard on myself. Yes I think about her. Yes I'm sad she's gone. Yes I have times where I put on the most depressing music I can find and I bawl my eyes out.

 

Why are these things bad? You aren't bad, pathetic or pitiful. You're someone who loved someone else and you got your heart broken. You've got the right attitude, and you never were "pathetic and pitiful".

[iouaname]

Knowing all hope is gone is REALLy putting you on the true path for recovery. What sucks is that its almost like starting all over again(from the breakup).

 

It is a lot like starting over. I even deleted the journal that I had been keeping so that I could start a new one Sounds cheesy, but it sort of is there to signify a new me. At the same time, I have learned so much in the past four months that it's not exactly like starting over. I am better equipped to deal with it now.

 

Look at it this way. Would you rather he told you a lie and said something like "hey, you never know what the future holds" or something like that? So you NEVER really heal, just waiting indefinitely for that welcome back phone call?

 

Yes, absolutely, I'm much happier that he told me that he just would not be willing to give the relationship a shot in the future. And I accept that it isn't personal. He loved me, I loved him, we were happy for a while together but we both contributed to it becoming unhealthy. I began to need him for emotional support, and he began to enjoy being able to come in and be the swooping hero who solved all of my problems, which in turn led me to be more dependent on him. At some point, I became unhappy because I was feeling too dependent on him, and he became unhappy because he didn't know how to deal with the pressure. He did the right thing by ending it, it was something that I should have done a lot sooner.

 

Do I believe that personality wise, we fit together? I do, sort of. I believe that we could have made a lasting couple under different circumstances. The distance made it impossible, it would have required me moving and both of us are too immature to be able to consider that. Also, it would have been me moving. I would have been moving away from my friends and family to a place and situation where I wouldn't have been happy but would have stayed because without this breakup, I would not have developed a sense of self at all. So while I am grieving the loss of a friend and a relationship, I recognize now that it was for the better.

 

You'll find love again...I am sure of that.

 

I hope so! Right now though, it would be unhealthy. I have not worked through the issues in myself, so any relationship would just add to the issues. I need to figure out who I am and then once it's all figured out, hopefully there will be a great guy to sweep me off of my feet. For now, I am giving myself permission to enjoy being single.

 

Of course, you'll be friends with him on your terms and your terms alone. My hope is that he doesn't come back a month or two from now trying to push friendship on you.

 

I'm not concerned about that. I don't think he realized the damage he was doing by continuing to contact me (and I don't think I even recognized the damage I was inflicting on myself by letting it to continue.) We are both young, naive, and doing this breakup/relationship thing for the first time.

 

Would I like to be friends? Kind of. Right now I know it's too difficult, I can't see another person step into his life and become for him what I wanted to be with him. When I'm able to do that, I would like to be friends, because I do think we genuinely respect and enjoy each other as people. While there are hurt feelings on both ends, we agreed that they don't overshadow the people that we know each other to be.

 

No it wasn't. You're human! You have feelings! Stop being so hard on yourself! A lot of people here do this (beating themselves up for crying or missing their ex). I do it too, but my counselor helped me realize that I'm being too hard on myself. Yes I think about her. Yes I'm sad she's gone. Yes I have times where I put on the most depressing music I can find and I bawl my eyes out.

 

Why are these things bad? You aren't bad, pathetic or pitiful. You're someone who loved someone else and you got your heart broken. You've got the right attitude, and you never were "pathetic and pitiful".

 

I don't feel bad when I do it on my own, but last night was a bit different. I had an anxiety-driven meltdown about my life and my ex and my mother both ended up being involved. I got through it and am fine today and both of them were extremely helpful and gracious about the entire situation. However, my ex is not responsible for my anxiety and we both agreed that he only makes it worse, which in turn makes him unhappy because he feels stressed and responsible for me. Which he is of course not. So we agreed, no more attempting to get in touch with me, no more false hope from me... just both of us focusing on our own happiness.

 

I am too hard on myself, though. I know that. And I expect results NOW. I want to feel better NOW, and it just doesn't happen that way.

[ThatJustHappened]

Bigbigbig hugs!

[todreaminblue]

Could use some support, LS

 

My breakup was in mid-December, and I went no contact at the end of January. Throughout no contact, my ex tried to contact me many, many times. I did not respond, as hard as it was. Today, however, he called from an unidentified number and I answered. It happened. Even as it was happening I couldn't believe it was happening. He told me that he had been worried about me because I had cut contact so abruptly and he had no way of checking in on me. I just crumbled. I tried to hold it together but I was not ready to speak to him. I told him how his contact had been difficult for me because it left hope, and he responded that he didn't meant to do that because he is 100% certain that there is no future for us. He doesn't want a relationship at all right now, but knows that he does not ever want to re-enter into this one because there's too much history & hurt feelings, and he just didn't think long-distance could work.

 

Hearing that stung, but it was a nice change from all the mixed messages I had gotten during the break-up and have held on to for the past two months, and he was right. I had a meltdown but I told him that I could not be friends with him, that we needed to continue on without contact. This time, he agreed. He said he promised to not contact me again and that all he wanted was to know that I was okay. He's matured a lot in these two months.

 

I feel lost. I have gone through a lot of stages, and have had plenty of ups and downs. While the feelings feel just like the very time he dumped me, I have developed a lot of coping mechanisms and I know how to continue forward in order to get to a better place. It's just hard. The rejection, the feelings of worthlessness and uncertainty about my future, wondering if I will ever meet anyone who I will feel the same about and of course, the constant emptiness that I feel without him in his life.

 

I am not interested in a relationship right now or in dating or sex. I feel like a mentally unstable person. I need to get my own self together. I need to do some serious soul-searching to find out who I am and why I gave so much to this man, and why it has left me feeling so incomplete. Maybe the reason that I couldn't make this relationship work, despite wanting to so badly, is because I'm not meant to right now. I still have a long road in becoming who I am meant to be... but, I'll get there some day. And when I do, hopefully that is when I will meet the man that I'm meant to be with.

 

Ugh... life, sometimes

 

 

I have come to the conclusion that you never know when its exactly right to meet someone ro when you are ready, i have never been "ready", dont think i am ever ready because love to me is a roller coaster, you can know its going to be all dips and up hill and some really stomach lurching down hills....and that it will be a worthwhile ride even when you want to throw up.......love isnt really something you can class as stable........there's always risk, and even with the best love there are tears and hurdles.........love is enduring however and elusive....to endure you have to have something that isnt predictable.....thats why endurance......is a test of love.....

 

 

 

love is unknown in quantity.....you can think you have a handle on it you really dont.......its special and needs to be nurtured...if i waited until i was stable and ready....it would never happen for me....sometimes you have to jump.......because love makes me jumpy and unstable, unsure.....but always hopeful, thats all you need to love....is hope in your heart this time, its going to be right and you take that risk and you endure to the end...that to me is loving someone.....deb

[iouaname]

Mostly what I meant was that I am not ready to be in a relationship, so I am not going to actively go out dating and trying to meet guys. If someone who catches my attention comes my way? Sure, I'll consider it. But I want to focus on myself right now because I feel that I have a lot of issues with myself that I have to address first...

[iouaname]

Been having so much trouble this morning I knew that he and I were over, but the realization that he isn't going to be a part of my life or my future has only just truly hit this weekend. He's gone for good - no more calls from him every two weeks, no more hope that we're going to get back together. He is moving on with his life and now I have to figure out a way to move on with mine.

 

This morning has hit me so hard. I'm feeling anxious, depressed, lonely, and hopeless

[cavalier99]

Any and all contact sucks. Even if provides more clarity. Deep down you knew it was over anyway. You just unfortunaltey got rejected again. It will take a bit to recover from this. Just soldier on with NC. Sorry. Cav