Spinoff to why do men treat women badly thread - do I sound scary to you?

[sayitasitis]

This thread is a spinoff of why do men treat women badly thread and after http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/384167-guys-why-do-you-put-up-rudeness-aggressiveness-women

 

I'm not a ballsbreaker but assertive and don't ever put up with bad behavior from men. If any, I'll put them in their place, partly because my character makes me someone that stands up for myself. That's not to say I haven't been in rose-tinted glasses and had my fair share of relationships I shouldn't have been in.

 

I actually think I should tone down my assertive behavior in order to attract a good date-material guy.

 

But many times I get annoyed when men don't treat me right (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

 

I want a guy I can look up to and have respect for. Many times I find myself more capable than most men (life and career). So I tell them off (sometimes nicely, sometimes more expressively) when they don't measure up.

 

Guys, do I sound scary to you? Should I lighten up? But why do you not treat women right? I'm not talking about bad boy behavior, but why do you do these things? (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

[soccerrprp]

This thread is a spinoff of why do men treat women badly thread and after http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/384167-guys-why-do-you-put-up-rudeness-aggressiveness-women

 

I'm not a ballsbreaker but assertive and don't ever put up with bad behavior from men. If any, I'll put them in their place, partly because my character makes me someone that stands up for myself. That's not to say I haven't been in rose-tinted glasses and had my fair share of relationships I shouldn't have been in.

 

I actually think I should tone down my assertive behavior in order to attract a good date-material guy.

 

But many times I get annoyed when men don't treat me right (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

 

I want a guy I can look up to and have respect for. Many times I find myself more capable than most men (life and career). So I tell them off (sometimes nicely, sometimes more expressively) when they don't measure up.

 

Guys, do I sound scary to you? Should I lighten up? But why do you not treat women right? I'm not talking about bad boy behavior, but why do you do these things? (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

 

You don't scare me, so there!

 

I prefer ladies like you describe. I've dated such ladies and never had problems with such personalities.

[ltjg45]

Yeah, you do scare me.

 

I tend to forget a lot of things (like, for example, I have a new male friend. He wanted me to call him every night. I tend to forget to do so almost constantly but, then again, I don't have as much interest in him as he things I do. He is gay so I'm sure he's more interested in me than the other way around and I'm not going down that path.) and some things that most people would consider being important means little to me like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

 

Valentine's Day is one such example. I see it as a toxic holiday where nothing good can come of it yet females value this hard just as much as Christmas/Thanksgiving. While I may treat her out to a nice dinner and the such, I don't think of it any more than that.

 

She may not think that way.

 

So, yeah, that will be a problem between us when you posted the bolded:

 

But many times I get annoyed when men don't treat me right (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

 

I can't measure up to that.

[sayitasitis]

You don't scare me, so there!

 

I prefer ladies like you describe. I've dated such ladies and never had problems with such personalities.

 

Could it be because you don't do these things? (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

 

Yeah, you do scare me.

 

I tend to forget a lot of things (like, for example, I have a new male friend. He wanted me to call him every night. I tend to forget to do so almost constantly but, then again, I don't have as much interest in him as he things I do. He is gay so I'm sure he's more interested in me than the other way around and I'm not going down that path.) and some things that most people would consider being important means little to me like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

 

Valentine's Day is one such example. I see it as a toxic holiday where nothing good can come of it yet females value this hard just as much as Christmas/Thanksgiving. While I may treat her out to a nice dinner and the such, I don't think of it any more than that.

 

She may not think that way.

 

So, yeah, that will be a problem between us when you posted the bolded:

 

 

 

I can't measure up to that.

 

Would you appreciate it if the women you date tell you how they feel about you forgetting those "important" things? Or would you prefer to go separate ways where you find women that have the same values as you on things and those women find men that value the things they find important?

[soccerrprp]

Could it be because you don't do these things? (offer to do things but don't follow through, forget about important things, slipshod, too laidback when they need to act, do things that make me jealous etc.).

 

Yes. I have my reasons for relationships not working out, but yes. For me it's about common, obvious courtesy, respect and living by a personal creed that essentially says: "establish, maintain positive relationships no matter what the context."

 

Doesn't always work that way, but I try.

[ltjg45]

Would you appreciate it if the women you date tell you how they feel about you forgetting those "important" things? Or would you prefer to go separate ways where you find women that have the same values as you on things and those women find men that value the things they find important?

 

I consider any relationship I get in to be very important to me so having a compromise with me is not difficult at all.

 

So if she is willing to talk to me about these things, I have no objections with it. While I may not look at important holidays as important as she does, I do want a more fulfilling life. It may not be as exciting as she wants me to be but it will be better than I was initially.

 

So I prefer it that, if she has an issue with me, to let me know. It can easily be worked out. If she rather berates me for it, then I will disappear without a trace.

[sayitasitis]

I consider any relationship I get in to be very important to me so having a compromise with me is not difficult at all.

 

So if she is willing to talk to me about these things, I have no objections with it. While I may not look at important holidays as important as she does, I do want a more fulfilling life. It may not be as exciting as she wants me to be but it will be better than I was initially.

 

So I prefer it that, if she has an issue with me, to let me know. It can easily be worked out. If she rather berates me for it, then I will disappear without a trace.

 

To qualify, I believe in talking things out though I don't always do it calmly the first time. But in such cases I usually go back to fix things because I don't believe in leaving things in any other way.

 

I like guys that have the balls to accept the talk outs. That it's not always about judging them but a way to make a relationship work, if that's the ultimate goal of both parties.

 

So I guess it takes a "strong" man to put up with my assertiveness and not run away when I need to tell them how I feel about the things going on. It could be my fault, his fault, both our fault or nobody's fault.

[ltjg45]

To qualify, I believe in talking things out though I don't always do it calmly the first time. But in such cases I usually go back to fix things because I don't believe in leaving things in any other way.

 

I like guys that have the balls to accept the talk outs. That it's not always about judging them but a way to make a relationship work, if that's the ultimate goal of both parties.

 

So I guess it takes a "strong" man to put up with my assertiveness and not run away when I need to tell them how I feel about the things going on. It could be my fault, his fault, both our fault or nobody's fault.

 

It's a good thing I got tough skin then. I tend to get crewed out for anything from my brothers, my mother, both male and females outside, my teacher, my doctor, a police officer.

 

You name it, I most likely got trashed out by one of them.

 

So if a female were to get her point across by voice, I will just take it like a good boy.

 

For what it is worth, when she decides to get her point across like this, there is a reason why and either I know why she feels this way or I'm about to find out.

 

I just don't bolt unless I find a deal breaker that I didn't know anything about beforehand. I got very few deal breakers and I can see them almost instantly after the 1st meet-up.

[sayitasitis]

It's a good thing I got tough skin then. I tend to get crewed out for anything from my brothers, my mother, both male and females outside, my teacher, my doctor, a police officer.

 

You name it, I most likely got trashed out by one of them.

 

So if a female were to get her point across by voice, I will just take it like a good boy.

 

For what it is worth, when she decides to get her point across like this, there is a reason why and either I know why she feels this way or I'm about to find out.

 

I just don't bolt unless I find a deal breaker that I didn't know anything about beforehand. I got very few deal breakers and I can see them almost instantly after the 1st meet-up.

 

And you know what? The best thing after a talk out is when both parties recognize where each other is coming from and the relationship improves. I find that most rewarding.

 

You find that you've found someone you can freely be yourself with, you know you'll fight but it'll always be a fair one that allows each other to know a little more about you each day.

 

The only problem is there aren't that many of such men that are willing to go the distance.

[ltjg45]

And you know what? The best thing after a talk out is when both parties recognize where each other is coming from and the relationship improves. I find that most rewarding.

 

You find that you've found someone you can freely be yourself with, you know you'll fight but it'll always be a fair one that allows each other to know a little more about you each day.

 

The only problem is there aren't that many of such men that are willing to go the distance.

 

The bolded part is definitely true.

 

I'm literally unique. I can't get any more old-fashioned/retarded so I can see why I'm so worthless in the dating world. I can't tie my shoes, ride a bike, fry an egg, kiss a female properly, doesn't even know how to use a cell phone. I could go on and on.

 

Relationships is no different. I have no issues waiting, I rather learn what kind of female she is before I even think of getting into bed with her, I rather cuddle with her than to actually have sex with her. I prefer to enhance her life than to take advantage of her.

 

Hell, I'm not out and about looking to get laid at a moment's notice. I'm a virgin at the age of 26 and I'm content with that. Sometimes I feel like sex is overrated and nothing worth fighting for. I really don't see what the big deal with sex really is. Maybe I find out but if what I seen from porn is anything to be based off of, I think sex-hunting males, in general, is just utterly crazy.

[sayitasitis]

Why would someone want a person who only seeks to make their life harder? You don't come off as a person who would want that for yourself yet you do that to others. Do you see an issue?

 

A little. But care to elaborate?

[sayitasitis]

I think you answered your own question. Why would a man have respect or care about the feelings of a woman who looks down on him?

 

There's a sequence. I usually only go for guys that I respect and look up to.

 

The off chance that I don't, I've told the guys what I wanted. Sometimes calmly, sometimes more expressively. Some guys take it, some guys bolt.

 

I really don't cut off their balls. I don't go crazy on them. I just tell them firmly what I want. If they're keen, they stay to discuss and find ways to work together at the relationhship. If they're not, I guess that's a bummer (or not).

 

TBH, there have been times I think I should be less assertive but more ladylike. But how can anyone put up with bad behavior and expect to for the rest of their lives? That's not right.

[sayitasitis]

You don't scare me in the least and no, I would never date a woman with the attitude you describe. The person you describe sounds like a demanding, judgemental, hyper critical, self centered "me me me " b*tch who wants everything exactly her way or no way at all. If I found you physically appealing I'd happily play your little game for a while to bed you. But when I grew bored of doing you I'd shed no tears when you sent me on my way for not being attentive enough, making you jealous, and generally not living up to your "standards" or as I see it, not treating you like the little princess you are.

 

You're good. I like things my way. That's not to say I don't think that's a problem I should resolve. Unless the guy behaves badly.

[2sure]

If a man doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated or doesn't give me the responses I'm looking for...I have to decide if I'm interested enough in him to tell him, if I think he is interested enough in hearing it, and if I think these are things he is capable of changing.

 

If all of those are met, I will mention it. I used to just bail but I've come to learn that if it's important to me I can't automatically assume a guy knows it. Also, if it isn't important to me...there is no reason to make it important just on policy.

 

I have to be what some consider a ball buster in my professional life, I refuse to bring that into my intimate life.

 

At the same time, I no longer have tolerance for a man who tells me or shows me that he doesn't think I'm a great big deal.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

You don't sound scary. You just sound like someone most men would avoid like the plague.

 

You know who you're going to end up with, right?

 

A boy.

 

Not a man, like you want...but a boy who will listen to your every whim. Oh, it won't happen now...but it will happen when you're older and your options have thinned and you want to finally settle down.

[sayitasitis]

Op,

 

You don't sound scary. You just sound like someone most men would avoid like the plague.

 

You know who you're going to end up with, right?

 

A boy.

 

Not a man, like you want...but a boy who will listen to your every whim. Oh, it won't happen now...but it will happen when you're older and your options have thinned and you want to finally settle down.

 

LOL. I have to say I hate boys. Never dated younger men and never will. I don't understand immature people. Of course I can be said as generalizing.

 

But I get what you say. And I suspect that in myself and therefore this thread.

[mesmerized]

You don't scare me in the least and no, I would never date a woman with the attitude you describe. The person you describe sounds like a demanding, judgemental, hyper critical, self centered "me me me " b*tch who wants everything exactly her way or no way at all. If I found you physically appealing I'd happily play your little game for a while to bed you. But when I grew bored of doing you I'd shed no tears when you sent me on my way for not being attentive enough, making you jealous, and generally not living up to your "standards" or as I see it, not treating you like the little princess you are.

 

I find it funny how many men happily talk about how they will use a woman until they get bored or whatever. Shame on you. And to be honest, you don't deserve her anyway. You deserve some unreliable immoral person like yourself and hopefully you will enjoy the tears you shed when she sends you on your way after she cheated on your lowlife self.

[Els]

I really hate to say this, but before reading your recent posts on that thread, I thought you were male based on your manner of posting.

 

Then again I have gotten another poster's gender crossed quite recently, so I guess I wouldn't put too much stock in that.

[sayitasitis]

I really hate to say this, but before reading your recent posts on that thread, I thought you were male based on your manner of posting.

 

Then again I have gotten another poster's gender crossed quite recently, so I guess I wouldn't put too much stock in that.

 

I do sound like a man, huh? I really come across as a ballsbreaker. Oh no!

[Taramere]

I've noticed women seem to have this problem. They don't necessarily communicate their feelings or needs verbally at times. They tend to assume that their subtle (if you can even call them that) cues are enough to express emotions that if said aloud would consist of 100+ words. Men aren't mind readers ladies. Speak up

 

Yet you've demonstrated disdain for the OP who does speak up.

[KungFuJoe]

LOL. I have to say I hate boys. Never dated younger men and never will. I don't understand immature people. Of course I can be said as generalizing.

 

But I get what you say. And I suspect that in myself and therefore this thread.

 

It's good that you realize you have a problem.

 

BUT, it's bad that I sense you actually LIKE your problem. You like it because it makes you feel strong and invulnerable. And that's going to make change difficult.

 

I know this because I was the same way...albeit with a different defense mechanism. I was picked on and pretty much disrespected a lot as a kid because I was awkward and skinny and an easy target. So I developed a raging temper (my mother definitely helped with that as well). Oh man, when I would get mad, NO ONE ****ed with me. I was a monster and I was untouchable. I thought I was getting people's respect...but after breaking my wrist punching a wall and getting arrested a couple times, I realized that I wasn't getting anyone's respect. They just thought I was nuts.

[sayitasitis]

It's good that you realize you have a problem.

 

BUT, it's bad that I sense you actually LIKE your problem. You like it because it makes you feel strong and invulnerable. And that's going to make change difficult.

 

I know this because I was the same way...albeit with a different defense mechanism. I was picked on and pretty much disrespected a lot as a kid because I was awkward and skinny and an easy target. So I developed a raging temper (my mother definitely helped with that as well). Oh man, when I would get mad, NO ONE ****ed with me. I was a monster and I was untouchable. I thought I was getting people's respect...but after breaking my wrist punching a wall and getting arrested a couple times, I realized that I wasn't getting anyone's respect. They just thought I was nuts.

 

I'm not sure I want to be assertive because I want to feel invincible. I just don't like to take s*** from anyone.

 

But because I may have driven a guy I like away, I think I'll learn for the next time.

[Taramere]

Can you give me a reference point here?

 

Yes. Your validation of the following post:

 

You don't scare me in the least and no, I would never date a woman with the attitude you describe. The person you describe sounds like a demanding, judgemental, hyper critical, self centered "me me me " b*tch who wants everything exactly her way or no way at all. If I found you physically appealing I'd happily play your little game for a while to bed you. But when I grew bored of doing you I'd shed no tears when you sent me on my way for not being attentive enough, making you jealous, and generally not living up to your "standards" or as I see it, not treating you like the little princess you are.

 

Reading through the thread, it seems to me that the OP says what she thinks and will speak up if she isn't happy about something... but is also willing to roll with the punches. The above post was pretty uncalled for, yet she shrugged it off with a good spirit. That reaction suggests to me that while she might be fairly forthright and tough, she isn't the spoiled princess that she seems to be portrayed as. I'm really at a bit of a loss to understand why she's provoked such a negative reaction from men in this thread.

[mesmerized]

I do sound like a man, huh? I really come across as a ballsbreaker. Oh no!

 

Don't listen to these people. You don't have a problem, what you have is called "standards". A woman this day and age having standards is a problem simply because there are very few "men" to meet those standards. Hopefully you'll find one who deserves you, you're not asking for anything you cannot provide yourself.

[2sure]

I'm not sure I want to be assertive because I want to feel invincible. I just don't like to take s*** from anyone.

 

But because I may have driven a guy I like away, I think I'll learn for the next time.

 

Certainly I have learned that I will not accept anyones invalidation of me. That's an important lesson for women to learn, hang onto that.

 

But I've also learned that it's a fine line for many women , between not " putting up with shyte" and looking for imaginary slights.

 

If its not important to you, don't make it important .

 

Not sure I'm explaining myself well, but think you understand.