Happyman008 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Hello all, how are you today? I am fine, I suppose. You can call me Jay. I am a short time reader, first time poster and interested to hear some opinions on my current situation. My wife and I have been married just over two years, it hasn't exactly been blissful, but it has been tolerable. Don't get me wrong, I care very deeply for her and don't want to see her hurt, however I know if I stay in my marriage that outcome is almost inevitable. Now here's some specific detailing. We are both 24 Met at 21, through a mututal friend. First date lasted 38 hours (lunch, dinner, dancing, sleeping w/no intercourse, hanging out next day, clubbing that night.) We were both university students at the time and almost moved in together immediately. Engaged in 3 weeks. Married by 6 months in. I can almost hear some of the responses now, but I will continue with my tale. Personally, I feel like I made a mistake, and that I'm not where I want to be. As we've gotten to know each other over the last two years I have grown to not really like her as a person, more specifically I don't feel like we're on the same page about anything, regardless of how often we talk. She, on the other hand seems to have gotten to the point where she can't function without me. Before we got together, I was fairly popular around the campus, mostly with women. I didn't sleep around, at all, I just connected better with women then men, due to my unfamiliarity with sports and cars at the time. However all that changed with a bit of jealousy that she exhibited, so I lost my best friend because I wasn't allowed to hang out with her. I do know that this is also 50% my fault, but we've all been there, doing anything to make our partner happy. After I left school I started working full time in the security field, no I didn't graduate, I was studying business and didn't enjoy the material. There I met another woman that I started walking to, not in a sexual manner, but I missed the connection of other people in my life. My wife accused me of cheating, assaulted me and then 'forgave me' even though I hadn't done anything wrong technically, but from her perspective I had and was fine with that. Over time I started to clue into things that she was doing or saying that wasn't quite right, either not paying attention to things I'm saying or doing things behind my back or flat out lying about things. Three example of the above in the last year: When we were looking to move out of our old place she wanted to move into her parents building (more convenient for her because she like to hang out with her family everyday...) I said no, I didn't want to live there, close is fine but not the same building. So with that said she gave them the damage deposit and first months rent, came home with the lease signed with her name on it and told me to sign. I reluctantly did. More recently, she is a new driver, before I had my own truck we shared my car. She both hit a parked car and a fense in the same day. And waited until I was done work to tell me. By this time I had started with a courier company and was chair of the safety committee and had recently all but eliminated accidents in out center though driver education. Obviously two dings were embarassing for me, and the fact she waited all day to tell me was a little concerning. She said she didn't want me to over react, and well, I can understand. But I also don't enjoy unreported accidents. More recently she wanted to get a perm, on wednesday of pay week I sad sure, if we have money left after rent and bills come out for the week. We usually set aside all our money on Saturday morning when she gets paid on thursday and I on friday. On this particular thursday I had also gotten my first pay from a new part time job I had and I didn't know where it came from (wasn't labeled and I didn't know to expect it on thurs or fri). She said there was an extra deposit in the account, I asked her to look into it at the bank, she did they said it was from her job (she didn't specify to look at the other deposit and not her paycheck...) then said it was from her job. Later she back peddled and said it was from 'depot' it must have been a $300 deposit from a bottle recycling depot. Really? wow... I said or it could be from my new job. "That could be it." she said. I told her it was good she didn't get the perm today, because we should use that money for the car. She agreed it was a good thing she didn't get it. So then I asked her what she spent $100 on that morning. Her response was 'the perm.' Like I wasn't going to notice the perm and didn't have access to the account to see it was spent. I don't know what to do. She says she sometimes feels like I treat her like a child, and lecture her. But these days every penny counts and everyone needs to make smarter decisions. I feel like I don't have an equal, and I don't trust her to make decisions because I have seen that she doesn't think things through before doing something. I don't feel like I will be happy if I stay, but I can't leave because she will be devastated, even though we're both hurting now. Help me people of loveshack.org you're my only hope!
roaminghart11 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 From your post, I think you know that you might have gotten married too soon. Every relationship is different, but knowing each other for less than a year before marriage is usually not something people feel comfortable with. I am also young and married (23) but we dated for 3 years before we got engaged, then got married a year later. How is your communication? If she is spending money on her own maybe get separate bank accounts and each be responsible for paying half of bills. Then she won't feel she is being controlled and may take some stress off of you feeling like you have to manage everything. I don't think it is valid that she complains you treat her like a child, but then she won't let you have friends? That is way over the top and people in relationships have to have time alone and with other friends to feel they are not losing themselves. Unless you really were doing anything inappropriate then she should have no complaints. Does she ever get to meet your friends? Maybe she feels left out or is having a hard time trusting because she has not met them? I really hope this helped a bit. I would say go to counseling before you think about divorce. 1
Author Happyman008 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for your response roaming hart. Yes I do think we got married too quickly. Communication is pretty bad. Those friends I do have time for (I work about 60 to 75 hours a week.) she has met, and is actually better friends than I am with most of them. We did go to a couple of counselling sessions however, it didn't really help. Initially we had separate accounts and paid half each, but then she got on a rampage about not knowing how much I make and where it goes even though I have studied accounting and had it all clearly laid out in excel. Also at that time she was bringing in about 700 a month part time and spending 300 or more buying clothes for her niece and meals out for her family.
hannah11 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Your name on here doesn't really fit how you are feeling...Happyman. Ha. You both sound miserable. It only gets worse, she needs to learn to live on her own and you need to be selfish sometimes. You guys are partners, she isn't a child, she shouldn't be dependent on you and you shouldn't have to deal with her like a 16 year old girl. I've never been married, so I guess I have some pretty obscure ideas of marriage, but to me a marriage is a partnership, you guys are a team. You are supposed to work together and be on the same side, be best friends, make each other happy. I'm a firm believer in splitting up if you are both miserable and you aren't both fully willing or capable of fixing the situation. Things don't get easier, and they don't get better. Life actually gets a lot harder so you need someone to go through it with you who will make it worth it.
Darren Steez Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Separate accounts until she's responsible enough. Seriously why are you tip toeing around this situation scared to confront? This is serious, when does it end? When you're in debt and you can't pay the rent? There don't seem to be boundaries. You told her no to moving into the building where her parents are, she did it anyway...why did you sign? You are enabling behavior which if left unchecked is only going to get worse. This is not a partnership as you have rightly recognized yourself. You discuss something and she turns around and disregards it entirely. Irresponsible and disrespectful. Sort it out before the real damage is done.
aMguilts Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 hi no it`s not time for divorce yet!! you BOTH need to grow up and start talking to each other! and listeneing whether you both got married to soon is not for me to judge, no one can But you married remember your wedding day when you both looked into each others eyes and said `i do`?? life isn`t easy and with you both being so young makes it even harder get help go to MC or find someone that will listen to you both without judging to throw it all away now over what you mentioned is not right i will say , from what you have said ,your wife seems a little bit, errr ...jeeez i cant think errr...blasé? (maybe)?) is the closest i can get( sorry...been a loooooooong week for me ) to what you have put, but then again it seems you haven`t been no angel word of advice all women HATE other women, esp at your age for you to have a female `friend` is a no no unless... your wife says its ok and even then its a no no:) work on your marriage, remember your vows aM
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