Control or common courtesy in a relationship

[kyleg517]

Ok without giving too much background information, I just need to know if what I am asking is viewed as controlling, or if you see it as a common relationship courtesy.

 

The woman I love and I are going through a very rough time. we both love each other very much, but we both have hurt each other. Neither of us have cheated, but we are both very suspicious of each other due to our communication break down and widely differring opinions on how to handle such things. So what I ask of her is simple. Ill give you a quick background of why we got to where we are now.

 

Last year, I tried to commit suicide. After being discharged from the military with health problems, but no backing from the VA my life spiraled out of control. One day one of my best friends stopped me (on time) from doing myself in. At the time, we WERE dating. She was there through the roughest time of my life and I am eternally greatful. However, things happened, and I moved on, but kept her as one of the only people I could confide in without being judged. Fast forward, I moved 280 miles from home to start a relationship with a great woman. She is older than I (i'm 26 and she is 34). She however, despises the fact that I still talk to the other girl. I am just friends with her, but my current girlfriend refuses to see that I'm just friends, but instead throws the fact that we used to date at me constantly. She forbade me from talking to her, but the girl saved my life, and is quite literally the only friend I have left. So naturally, even though I was forbidden to do so, I still talked to her. I never told my girlfriend though for obvious reasons. I felt like I was doing something wrong by not telling her, but I knew what would happen if I did. But I did not want to lose the only friend I had due to the severe insecurities of my girlfriend. I didn't know what else to do.

 

Even though she nagged all the time, she was also doing the same thing with a guy friend I didn't like. The things she doesn't want me doing, are perfectly ok for her to do. And for everything I bring up, she had an excuse. When she would hang with this guy friend, I was completely ignored. No calls, no texts, nothing until she left. "My phone was in the car", "My phone was on silent", "I had no signal"... convenient right? The "justifications" never failed. Yet if I were to do the same, WWIII. Next, she would go out on girls-night-outs, and leave her phone at her friends house so I had no way of contacting her while she was out. But god forbid I do the same... and about the talking to persons of the opposite sex thing, HUGE double standard. I can't talk to the one female friend I have, yet she has several guy friends that shes allowed to talk to. Her justification? "I don't talk to them every day"... which was for the longest time utter bullsh**. The one guy friend that I hated, she would call every day all summer, make plans to hang out with him while I was at work, and as I said earlier, ignore me while she was with him. We even had a day out together, he calls while we were AT LUNCH, and she held a conversation with him for what could have turned into 10 minutes had I not hung up her phone for her. It made me so angry. He would also tell her to break up with me, call her things like baby girl, boo, etc. You know, pet names.

 

About pet names, shes had three guys call her everything from darling, baby girl, boo, etc. She would always say "oh thats just how they are, they call everyone that".... everyone can agree that those are "pet" names right? However one girl called me "Ky" (my name is kyle), and she would start an all out war and call that a pet name. How the hell is someone calling me by half my name a pet name?

 

And lastly, definitely need an outside opinion on this. I live with my brother, and every day his girlfriend spends time with him and stays over night. He finally gave her a house key so she deosnt have to leave with him (he leaves every morning at 8a). So he lets her sleep in. She usually sleeps til about 9 or so, wakes up, says bye to me (i am friends with her, and she IS with my brother every night, so she is very nice towards me), and leaves. Thats it. nothing more nothing less. However, my girlfriend comes over one day, finds out that she stays after he leaves, and basically says i'm sleeping with her. "Behind closed doors, you guys sleep together. the only thing separating you is a wall thats how it looks to everyone else". So I ask all of you, would it look that way to you if you all knew the situation? So many double standards and hypocrisies.

 

Here's the problem. I love her to death, and even through the bull****, I know she loves me. So I did the one thing she asked of me, and pushed my best friend away to hopefully save this relationship. I only ask a few things of her. She calls it controlling, I call them common relationship courtesies. Am I being unreasonable? Here's what I ask of her.

 

1. If she goes out, in the very least send me a text and let me know when you leave one place and get to another safely. I worry while shes out, and I just want to know she is safe. I'm not asking her whereabouts, just to know she got from A-B ok.

 

2. If she speaks to any of these guy friends, tell me. She's had a really bad habit of lying to me in the past about talking to them, one thing she was very upset about with my friend. So why ask it of me if you aren't willing to do the same.

 

3. Make more of an attempt to keep in contact with me. I moved 280 miles away from my family and friends for her, but i may as well be living 280 miles away from her. More attention is given to her other friends than me. Getting a simple "thinking about you" text during the day is like pulling teeth. Yet she jumps at anyone else who contacts her, i see it all the time. All I want is to feel like she does think about me, and that me moving down here wasn't the biggest mistake i've ever made.

 

Thats it. Thats all I ask of her, yet she tells me "I dont need to feel like im 5. I shouldnt have to check in, text you all the time, blah blah". Yet those are things she either asks fo me or expects from me. What do you guys think? Is that controlling, or common courtesies while in a serious relationship.

 

Also, any other input on the situation as a whole would be appreciated.

[roaminghart11]

You said it yourself, "double standard". I don't think the level of communication you want is abnormal. My husband calls me when he is leaving work because I have asked and I like to know when to expect him so I know that he is safe (sometimes he is tired coming home so I worry a bit). I would say asking for a quick text when she is away is not unreasonable.

 

The question is why is she lying to you about talking to these friends? Both people in a relationship should agree to the same "ground-rules". There can't be "I can talk to my guy friend, but you can't talk to your friend", that just doesn't work.

 

Communication is key. Having a conversation about what both you both need is key, and some rules that apply to both people.

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[kyleg517]

my problem is that she never sees anything wrong in what she does. she lays all the blame for our problems on me. its very hard to swallow, especially feeling like im the only one wrong. im so lost right now

[kyleg517]

You said it yourself, "double standard". I don't think the level of communication you want is abnormal. My husband calls me when he is leaving work because I have asked and I like to know when to expect him so I know that he is safe (sometimes he is tired coming home so I worry a bit). I would say asking for a quick text when she is away is not unreasonable.

 

The question is why is she lying to you about talking to these friends? Both people in a relationship should agree to the same "ground-rules". There can't be "I can talk to my guy friend, but you can't talk to your friend", that just doesn't work.

 

Communication is key. Having a conversation about what both you both need is key, and some rules that apply to both people.

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

What do you think about the whole brothers girlfriend thing. Does it really look like im sleeping with her just because she doesnt leave the moment he does? i mean, she pretty much lives there now. Im lost on the situation as a whole

[Balzac]

It's paranoid, crazy thinking, is what I think. Her implication is that you have no respect for your brother and that you lack personal boundaries. Even IF the woman were to act Inappropriately, which she is not, you still have total control over your actions. My POV is that your GF has her own issues, not declared or defined to you. Many adults share living quarters, particularly in this economic climate. To presume that you'd engage in sexual activity w any random woman whom is present, either full time living in or sporadically coming to n 'fro is paranoid thinking and disrespectful of you as a man.

 

In closing, thank for your service to our country. I'm sorry to read that you, as have many, suffered emotionally after your service. Thankfully you are alive to move forward with healing.

Edited April 7, 2013 by Balzac
This woman is toxic to your moving forward into a healthy emotional existence.

[veggirl]

Cheaters often accuse their partner of cheating.

I wouldn't trust this girl as far as you can throw her. So many red flags, she has NO boundaries and I'd tell her flat out that if she can't behave the same way she expects you to behave then you are OUT.

[roaminghart11]

I agree with Balzac, she is not trusting you for some reason. It is a bit crazy that she thinks just because you see your brother's girlfriend that you are sleeping together. Your relationship aside, does she really think you would do that to your brother? I hope not.