JourneyLady Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 The reason I could advise someone else not to panic the other day is because I did. As a result of fearing withdrawal, I panicked and he DID withdrawal as a result of that. I have panic problems because of damage from a past relationship where the guy would withdraw for as much as a month or more. So as of now, I have dropped his friendship and gone no contact. I deserve better than someone who runs at the first sign of problems. Chances are that there would have been no more if he hadn't backed out since I'd been working on how to deal with it. I'm really ticked off - because he jumped in with both feet and never had a moment's hesitation. Now this. I trusted him and feel betrayed. He had all kinds of problems and I was willing to work with each and every one. But no, he had to go and destroy it. Anyway, do NOT do what I did and panic if you think they are withdrawing. It just gives them an excuse to break up or friend-zone you. You will attract what you fear. Too bad for him because we had been friends for a long time and he's had several recently he has pushed away with his anger problems. People should not break up if they still love you - that's just stupid and hurts both them and you. It's the worst kind of betrayal when you know they still love you and they break up because of their fear.
justwhoiam Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I deserve better than someone who runs at the first sign of problems. It's called natural selection. Be proud of your decision. Maybe he'll cross your path again. But you'll see everything with different eyes. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 IMO I think the worst act of betrayal is cheating on you, especially if it's with a friend. I wouldn't call it betrayal at all if someone leaves out of fear. The reason I could advise someone else not to panic the other day is because I did. As a result of fearing withdrawal, I panicked and he DID withdrawal as a result of that. I have panic problems because of damage from a past relationship where the guy would withdraw for as much as a month or more. So as of now, I have dropped his friendship and gone no contact. I deserve better than someone who runs at the first sign of problems. Chances are that there would have been no more if he hadn't backed out since I'd been working on how to deal with it. I'm really ticked off - because he jumped in with both feet and never had a moment's hesitation. Now this. I trusted him and feel betrayed. He had all kinds of problems and I was willing to work with each and every one. But no, he had to go and destroy it. Anyway, do NOT do what I did and panic if you think they are withdrawing. It just gives them an excuse to break up or friend-zone you. You will attract what you fear. Too bad for him because we had been friends for a long time and he's had several recently he has pushed away with his anger problems. People should not break up if they still love you - that's just stupid and hurts both them and you. It's the worst kind of betrayal when you know they still love you and they break up because of their fear. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 IMO I think the worst act of betrayal is cheating on you, especially if it's with a friend. I wouldn't call it betrayal at all if someone leaves out of fear. Okay, no it's not as much betrayal as cheating. But putting you in the friend zone does leave them open to other relationships. In any case, it's unreasonable to expect me to be a friend when I want more. I think no person should continue to be friends if it leaves them always hoping for more and emotional if they see their desired S.O. with someone else. The fear - you either deal with it or not. If his fear of being hurt is larger than his fear of losing me, then there's no point in sticking it out and letting that connection slowly devolve. He'll either deal with it or not, but I'm not going to sit around wondering what will happen in the meantime. It causes me too many problems, like not eating right and hanging on the computer, etc. Better just to let him go - he knows where to find me if he changes his mind. So wanting to be friends with a woman who loves you is expecting her to wait around for you to be ready. Not respectful. If you love her, you won't do that.
Author JourneyLady Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Worded that awkwardly. If you are in the friend zone and they don't tell you that, it's not really fair. So update. He asked for forgiveness and I forgave. But it didn't go back exactly to the way things were and we had no face to face contact for a week and a half. He spent an hour texting me and sending photos of what he was doing, which was a nice gesture but not necessary. I would have preferred a half hour of face to face talk so we could come to some arrangement: like 1/2 hour of chat every three days or so and a couple of texts inbetween when convenient. But he got upset because I wanted to discuss it in person. Complete with anger issues, assumptions and a slight bit of judging and verbal abuse. I figure he's not ready. (Although he's 4 years older than I am so he hasn't got much time!) Anyway, so I've cut him off. I did send him a couple of books that will help if he's as smart as I think he is. He's got potential, but just not enough to be with anyone currently. Why do I think so? Because unlike most guys I have been around, he actually can identify and describe his emotions. He's also able to forgive when upsets occur (like myself). The drawbacks and why I'm putting him on hold... - He's not into me enough to ask me about MY needs in a relationship. - He's very negative. And judgmental about most people. I know he's had a hard time, but he's attracting more of it just by the attitude... - He's got major life drama going on. Why am I thinking of potential? - A lot in common as far as habits and ways of living - a few major shared interests - his ability to empathize after a particular period of time has elapsed (not as short a time as I, but MUCH shorter than previous ex-bf) I had a little extra money so I sent him a couple of books... - one about dealing with anger issues - the other "buyers, renters and freeloaders" (I feel he's not in a position to be more than a freeloader at this time, but I didn't say that.) I found it helped me enormously to figure out types of relationships and which ones I should take a pass on. It may help. He's had several ladies that did a disappearing act on him. At least he will know *why* I bailed. :-) So dating is on hold for now, although I might take a suggestion I read in another thread and go sit in a coffee shop with my laptop. :-D I like that idea. A lot of people seem to chit chat with me, which is strange - I have never been very outgoing, but somehow I find myself at an age at which I have a lot to say! Thus I'm more comfortable with people than I have ever been at any point in my life. And if it's weird to give him books - I'm just like that. I love books. I gave a copy of The 5 Love Languages to my now ex-husband during our separation as a Christmas gift. (Silly me, he probably used it with his AP, now wife...)
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