bruiseviolet Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I want to make this as short as possible for you so here is SUPER SUPER abbreviated pertanent details to my question: (1) Spent last 8 years trying to get over anger and move on from my partner (and father of our 4 children) cheating numerous times on me (emotionally and physically). (2) Finally in the past 6 months, was in a place where I was over my anger, and was in good counseling, just had a new baby, we were planning our September wedding, just went on a week long vacation to see his family etc... he started going to couseling with me, I was really giving our relationship 150% and he was too....... or so I thought. (3) 3 weeks ago at our counseling appointment- the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm so sorry I don't know how to tell you this without you getting mad- but I don't want to be with you and I haven't ever wanted to be with you". He basically told me the past 8 years he was just too much of a wuss to leave etc... whatever. I was COMPLETELY blindsided by this. (4) Realized I am completely done with him- I have NO desire to be with him any longer. (5) Made it very clear he had 2 weeks to move out. (6) Told the kids he was moving and we were separating etc... Anyways my question- it's now going into 3 weeks and I get the run around "there arent any apartments" 0 he is looking- but not finding anything. (and he's not being picky we are in a rural area and there really isn't much right now) ANYWAYS- we both are on the lease where we are now- HOWEVER I have always paid the rent. So how can I kick him out- when I can't "technically" kick him out? How can I get him to leave? He is drving me NUTS- because basically he is living here FREE- not paying anything- he goes to work and comes and goes as he pleases- don't tell me or talk to me- I just want him out. Is it so wrong to give him another week or until wednesday and say- get your **** out or else I'm changing the locks- packing your **** up and throwing it out the door? I'm trying to be civil- but obviously civil isn't working- and I cannot stand him sleeping on MY couch one more night!!!!!! p.s. I believe his "all the sudden" I want to end it is because he is sleeping with someone from his work- but that's another story and a moot point because there's ZERO chance of me working it out with him ever again. I've already given him 100 chances too many and have wasted the past 8 years of my life "trying to work it out".
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Tell him to pack his bags, and go stay with a friend of his or he can go stay with his parents, but he is NOT to be in the house with you anymore. Then he can go look for an apartment or house to rent while he is crashing on someone else's couch. or he can go stay with his OW. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 (1) Spent last 8 years trying to get over anger and move on from my partner (and father of our 4 children) cheating numerous times on me (emotionally and physically). Given that you've forgiven him numerous times and have gone on to have 4 kids with him, why would he take your ultimatum seriously now? And how can you be "blindsided" by someone who's been such a consistent assh*le? Mr. Lucky
CC12 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Changing the locks on him is probably illegal where you live. Have you talked to your leasing office to ask how to get him off the lease? I mean, I think you know this, but you're kind of screwed until he chooses to leave. I guess you could try playing this angle: (6) Told the kids he was moving and we were separating etc... Tell him that he needs to leave for the kids' sake because it's confusing for them that he said he's leaving and he's still there. That you, as their parents, need to follow through with what you say and not give them false hope that mommy and daddy might stay together after all. Do his parents live in the area? Are you close with them? If so, could you call them yourself and ask if he can stay there for a while? Then you can tell him, "I spoke to your mother and she's happy to let you stay there until you find a place. She's expecting you tomorrow evening. Pack a bag and just go there after work tomorrow. We can arrange for you to come pick up more of your things later." I can't imagine that going over well with him, but I doubt you're that interested in his feelings at this point.
Author bruiseviolet Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Given that you've forgiven him numerous times and have gone on to have 4 kids with him, why would he take your ultimatum seriously now? And how can you be "blindsided" by someone who's been such a consistent assh*le? Mr. Lucky[/Q] I was blindsided because for 8 years, I have been the one to tell him that he needs to leave etc... and he was the one BEGGING me not to do it- to please let him stay and give him one more chance. Less than a month ago we took a week long vacation to see his family (they live 14+ hours away) and we were in counsseling together- things were really going well- so for him out of the blue to say "i'm done I want out" - is what blindsided me. However, arguing this stuff was not the point of my post. My post was more "this is where I am today- what can I do to get him out so I can move on?"
Author bruiseviolet Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Changing the locks on him is probably illegal where you live. Have you talked to your leasing office to ask how to get him off the lease? I mean, I think you know this, but you're kind of screwed until he chooses to leave. I guess you could try playing this angle: Tell him that he needs to leave for the kids' sake because it's confusing for them that he said he's leaving and he's still there. That you, as their parents, need to follow through with what you say and not give them false hope that mommy and daddy might stay together after all. Do his parents live in the area? Are you close with them? If so, could you call them yourself and ask if he can stay there for a while? Then you can tell him, "I spoke to your mother and she's happy to let you stay there until you find a place. She's expecting you tomorrow evening. Pack a bag and just go there after work tomorrow. We can arrange for you to come pick up more of your things later." I can't imagine that going over well with him, but I doubt you're that interested in his feelings at this point. I like your idea about the kids. I was gone with the kids all day and when we came home tonight as we were pulling in one of our kids was asking "did daddy leave yet?" I had to tell them they will get to say goodbye when he leaves etc.. because here they aer just thinking they will come home one day and he will be gone. Actually no, I am not close with his family at all (only met them once in the whole 8+ years we've been together). They live over 14 hours away- so staying with them really isn't much of an option if he wants to see the kids.
Fleur de Lis Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I think that since both of you are on the lease, you are both "jointly and severally" responsible for paying the lease. Why don't you threaten to screw over his credit and refuse to pay the lease payments if he does not move out and remove his name from the lease?
veryhappy Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Pay only half the rent, and half the bills while he's still sleeping there. He should come up with the rest. Talk to an attorney and file for divorce. If you are done, the sooner you start the sooner you'll be divorced. I agree there seems to be an OW. Men generally lack that courage, and it doesn't make sense if everything was apparently going well.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 However, arguing this stuff was not the point of my post. My post was more "this is where I am today- what can I do to get him out so I can move on?" If you're truly interested in getting this done quickly, why don't you move ??? Takes his passive/aggressive game right out of the picture... Mr. Lucky
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 You could give him another week but anymore than that and you're confusing the children even more than they already are. Be solid, follow through and bite your tongue. This could get ugly if you kick him out, change locks, etc. I'm sure you don't want that at all so its not the best idea. Treat and speak of your husband well. He is a complete douche but children don't need that on their shoulders and will somehow make it their fault that Mommy and Daddy couldn't be happy together. Try your hardest to shelter them from the ugliness that could ensue. I would tell him that his things will be in a storage unit and he can rent a hotel room if he has nowhere to go. He is the one who wanted out... So he can leave. Say you will pay for one month storage but if its not out after a month, you're not paying for it anymore and he may lose all of his things. I would also suggest having a baby sitter or someone to watch the kids for a few hours if you do have him come and get his things from the house. It will be fairly traumatic for them to see him moving his things out. Alternatively, you could move. Take care of you, Love. Its time.
Wickedgurl Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) Get yourself to an attorney now!!! Find one that gives free consultations and if you do hire one get an immediate order for emergency temporary child support and rent!!! He's been living high on your dollar for too long. He's a user and a coward. Unfortunately the only thing he will understand is money. Talk to your landlord. If you're paying it now see if the landlord can put you up in another apartment under your name only. Then leave the baby daddy in that apartment to deal with being evicted. Hope this helped and good luck. Xoxo Edited April 10, 2013 by Wickedgurl Misspell
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