What Have You Learned?

[MammaMia]

I know that we have all been deeply scarred by our spouses' affair, but objectively speaking what have you learned from this awful experience? Please, share your thoughts whether positive or negative.

[Poppy fields]

I learned I should not have gotten married so young.

[giantfan]

I learned that I will never ever not believe my gut. That if what your spouse is telling you doesn't make sense, it's not true. Sadly, I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone.

[Holyoak]

- That you have a well of strength you never knew existed.

 

- That when put to the test, all the values, beliefs, and and core "stuff" you always knew you had, liked about yourself, and that guided you, you never allowed to slip or sacrifice, and in the process betray yourself. Since a very young age, my inner mental ear has always heard the chant:

 

"My greatest fear is I become what I hate"

 

I can say now with complete peace, and look myself in the mirror with crystal clarity that I did the best I could, did not allow myself to lower who I was and never sold out, no matter any perceived gain, or avoidance of pain or circumstance. My conscience is clear, and I am whole, albeit ragged and torn, snapping in the wind like a war ravaged battle flag.

 

- That I will not bear the yoke of shame for another I trusted with my life, and that she truly is the one who lost it all, even if she can not see it now... She sold herself for cold selfishness, believed her own lies, and used the very people who loved her to destroy them. She spent her soul, and never will, or can she bring that account back up to solvency.

 

- That life is a book with many chapters, and even though I was married for my entire adult life, this chapter will close, and a new unknown chapter will unfold. Be it a tragedy, comedy, or boring biography, it will be mine, the sun will shine again, and life goes on into the unknown.

 

- That I always treat myself as No.1 in the future, because until I do, I can't treat any potential lady I might wish to have a relationship as No.1, treat my daughter as No.1, future job...

 

- That my view of infidelity is so changed. Not that I did not feel awful for people who went through it before I did, simply that until you go through it first hand, you have no ability to even come close to understand the devastation.

 

- That without reaching out here, friends, family, whoever, that infidelity could be a fatal event for the sufferer without it... It is too huge to take on alone, and if you need to cry, you cry, talk, you talk, and so on. There is no shame in seeking help!

[giantfan]

- That you have a well of strength you never knew existed.

 

- That when put to the test, all the values, beliefs, and and core "stuff" you always knew you had, liked about yourself, and that guided you, you never allowed to slip or sacrifice, and in the process betray yourself. Since a very young age, my inner mental ear has always heard the chant:

 

"My greatest fear is I become what I hate"

 

I can say now with complete peace, and look myself in the mirror with crystal clarity that I did the best I could, did not allow myself to lower who I was and never sold out, no matter any perceived gain, or avoidance of pain or circumstance. My conscience is clear, and I am whole, albeit ragged and torn, snapping in the wind like a war ravaged battle flag.

 

- That I will not bear the yoke of shame for another I trusted with my life, and that she truly is the one who lost it all, even if she can not see it now... She sold herself for cold selfishness, believed her own lies, and used the very people who loved her to destroy them. She spent her soul, and never will, or can she bring that account back up to solvency.

 

- That life is a book with many chapters, and even though I was married for my entire adult life, this chapter will close, and a new unknown chapter will unfold. Be it a tragedy, comedy, or boring biography, it will be mine, the sun will shine again, and life goes on into the unknown.

 

- That I always treat myself as No.1 in the future, because until I do, I can't treat any potential lady I might wish to have a relationship as No.1, treat my daughter as No.1, future job...

 

- That my view of infidelity is so changed. Not that I did not feel awful for people who went through it before I did, simply that until you go through it first hand, you have no ability to even come close to understand the devastation.

 

- That without reaching out here, friends, family, whoever, that infidelity could be a fatal event for the sufferer without it... It is too huge to take on alone, and if you need to cry, you cry, talk, you talk, and so on. There is no shame in seeking help!

 

 

Add everything you said to my post. Thank you. The only thing that I haven't done is reach out. Still trying to make it work and I can't let anyone in my family or that I know find out. My view of infidelity has changed also. It has been the most devastating thing in my life physically and mentally. 2 1/2 after dd and it still hurts.

[seren]

I have learned to never say never. I also have learned that our marriage was built on stronger foundations than I ever gave it credit for, to have come out of it with a, not only reconciled but dammed good marriage says a lot about us and our relationship.