mack25 Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 I'm new to this forum and writing for some advice about what to do as it is still very painful. I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such as time away, communication, and difference on amount of sex per week; we had a very good marriage. I'm still in love with her and she states the same to me. I still have physcial attraction as well. There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week. Three we ago, we were out at a pub crawl event with numerous people, many of which we had met that day. The last bar everyone was dancing but pretty harmless dancing in my mind. At the end of the night we ended back at someone house for food and hanging out. My wife was very drunk but in control of her actions and no blacking out. She basically followed a guy that she had talked with a little bit throughout the night to a back room. She disappeared for 5-10 min and I went back to look for her. In the back room the lights were off which I turned on and found them fumbling around in shock. Turns out she was making out with this guy (I did not see any of it), clothes all on, and nothing more than kissing occured. There was a heated conversation between us the rest of that night, followed by my staying away from the house for 3 nights, separate beds for another 4 nights, and still little physical contact. We have seen a therapist for three sessions which has been helpful but three weeks into this I'm still in extreme pain. We are working through the book 'Getting Past the Affiar' which is also helpful. I still love her but I'm still embarassed, angry, shocked, lost trust, etc. If you knew her, this is someone you would never expect to do something. She is extremely upset that she did this and cried for 3 days after it happened. I still have images of her following him back and turning off the lights, upset she did this, angry that our marriage is forever changes. She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward. I need any advice from others that have gone through this. I want to make it work but not sure that will be possible if I can't forgive and move forward. I still need the why's answered which she has not done just stating she doesn't know why it happened and blames being drunk. I don't know where else to go, what to do, how to make the images go away, how to stop blaming myself for not stopping it and letting her drink that much. Feeling that I should get even to make me feel better, getting a lawyer and separating (I will get taken to the cleaners given she is a stay at home Mom). I feel that she is moving on but I just can't do it yet. We had sex once since and it was just terrible when previously it very very good. There are others out there that would love to be with me and would be faithful but there are kids involved. Would love any thoughts, resources, books, etc. Thank for any help!
2sure Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 What reason did she give you for making out with this guy?
Author mack25 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 What reason did she give you for making out with this guy? "I was drunk" and "I don't know why I did it" are the most common answer. Right after the incident she said she got butterflies that she hasn't had for sometime.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward. She has to suck it up, OWN what she did and talk about it. Don't let her tears manipulate you into NOT talking about it. Being drunk is no excuse. That's bullshi.t. She willingly took advantage of this situation, as did he, and they made out. Unless she has a severe drinking problem and loses control, does dumb stuff while drunk, there's no excuse. She's afraid of telling the truth. Chances are they have flirted before, possibly are attracted to one another. Yeah it just happened, but there IS an action it's not like they kissed 'by accident'. She chose to do this without giving you or your marriage a second thought. SHE KNOWS WHY. She just isn't ready to tell you, shes' scared of losing you. BUT, if she doesn't open up, discuss it, feel remorse and regret, then this will get worse. 2
Author mack25 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 She has to suck it up, OWN what she did and talk about it. Don't let her tears manipulate you into NOT talking about it. Being drunk is no excuse. That's bullshi.t. She willingly took advantage of this situation, as did he, and they made out. Unless she has a severe drinking problem and loses control, does dumb stuff while drunk, there's no excuse. She's afraid of telling the truth. Chances are they have flirted before, possibly are attracted to one another. Yeah it just happened, but there IS an action it's not like they kissed 'by accident'. She chose to do this without giving you or your marriage a second thought. He did just meet him about 2 hours before the incident, that I do know as a fact
TobyBoy Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Mack, Has your wife ever gone out with friends and come home drunk? Girls night out? Like the previous poster said....too brazen for the first time. Prepare for the other shoe to drop! 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Setting aside the past, what happens the next time she drinks? How about if you'd waited 10 more minutes to come into the room? Unless she's willing to do the heavy lifting in trying to fix this, don't like your chances. Stable, happily married people don't attempt to screw strangers at parties... Mr. Lucky
Bryanp Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 She makes out with a guy in a back room of a bar that she just met while you her husband is just some feet away? She tells you she had butterflies like she never felt before after making out with him? You have big problems my friend. If the roles were reversed and you told your wife you were drunk and you don't know why you made out with another woman you just met with your wife in the next room - how do you think she would have reacted? You then tell her you had butterflies after making out with this woman like you have not had before. Your wife really humiliated and disrespected you terribly. What are the consequences to her actions? How can you ever feel secure having her going out with friends if you are not present? She did all of this knowing you were in the next room. I hate to say this but the fact that she knew you were in the next room gave a big thrill knowing she was cheating on you and you were so close. How else could you interpret this? I wish you luck because you are going to need it. 2
Holyoak Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 (edited) She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward. Ever wonder what others may be feeling? My STBXWW said me asking about her self admitted affair was "me just trying to hurt her"... Buy NONE of this crap. Maybe drinking was an inhibitor elixir, and her true desires are coming out, even after years? What you have experienced is some serious ****, could just be the tip of an unknown iceberg to you, and if it's a deal breaker for you, it simply is... She caused it, you now need to find how you deal with it. And PLEASE, stop blaming yourself!!! She owns this 1000%. Now your whole life is going to be in prison warden mode, suspicion, anger, even hatred towards her, weird intimacy, mind movies... I can tell you it is no way to live, and for a man especially, very, VERY hard to deal with and reconcile from if that is what is the goal. I agree with the others concerning her brazen behavior; she did this in front of you??? I can't see there is not a lot more at play, and she may well gaslight and trickle truth you forever, holding on to secrets you must know. Please, PLEASE, do not allow her to bull**** you, play the victim, whatever. A very strong, unyielding approach very early on is how it's gonna be or else attitude, with real consequences, is the only thing that works, be it ultimately divorce or reconciliation. Best of luck friend. Edited April 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Try Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. Almost every single spouse that has ever been cheated on says this when they first catch their spouse cheating on them. When first caught cheating, ever cheater claims that this was the only time that they have ever cheated; saying this is right out of the cheaters standard script. The sad truth is that it is almost never the first time that they have cheated. It is usually that they have done it so many times before without getting caught, that they they get cocky and allow themselves to get sloppy. Talk about cocky, your wife cheated on you with this other man with you right there at the party. Talk about letting the other man disrespect you. If this is how she acts when you are there, imagine how she is with other men when you are not around. Sorry but common sense should tell you that this is not the only time that she has ever cheated on you. Be honest and ask yourself this question. With you at work and not around her much during a typical day, what are the odds that the first and only time that she has ever cheated that you would catch her in the act? 1
Darren Steez Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Mack seems to be posting over many forums...hope he gets his answers
troubadour Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Mack seems to be posting over many forums...hope he gets his answers Do you know any other infidelity forums?
Jonah Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I used to have the same sort of chaotic problems in my previous relationships. I quit partying and all those problems went away. 2
Artie Lang Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Mack seems to be posting over many forums...hope he gets his answers or, like many BS's, he's looking for a particular answer. an answer that will make things all better. an answer that will absolve his wife's actions. good luck with that. 1
Author mack25 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Thanks for the advise. Yes, looking for easy answered to "fix" everything but there is no easy answers. I do truly believe this was the first incident that has happened in 15 years which just makes it harder to accept.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I do truly believe this was the first incident that has happened in 15 years which just makes it harder to accept. You've probably got it half right. It is "the first incident that has happened in 15 years" that you know about. What has you wife done in the weeks since this occurred to help you understand her behavior? Continued defensiveness on her part equals guilt. The question you have to ask yourself is - Guilty of what ??? Mr. Lucky 1
Jenn.Smith Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 There is always a first. And everyod is different. If you truly believe that she has neer cheated then you need to forgive her and move on. I dont drink because I do stupid stupid stuff when I get too drunk. I have never blacked out but my actions are like someone else is in control of my body. When i was single I was hammered at this party and had sex with this guy i didnt even know. I remember the whole thing. The thrill of it and the "butterflies". Eveb the no protection. When i sobered up I had the walk of shame and had std test after test. A few more non sex related incidents (theft and vandalism being some) made me realize i could get too drunk. But unlike people who blackout I remember everything. I stopped drinking. Maybe u should suggest the same for your wife. Im not excusing your wife's behaviour but I am saying that people can be very narrowminded and refuse to offer and quarter. If you really can't forgive your wife for enjoying some taboo kissing while her inebitions were lowered then you probably should walk away now. Because that sounds more like hurt pride than wounded heart. And about her talkin it hasnt been long. I know i need to time before i can share a hurtful experience. 1
Quiet Storm Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I agree that it is very unlikely that this is her first incident with infidelity. After 15 years of being faithful, all it takes is some drinks and she's making out with a guy the same night she meets him? That does not sound right and your gut should be screaming. It's not like she is 20 and is just learning her limits. At her age, she should have enough control over her drinking to behave herself. Butterflies? I think this is a strange description for what happened. I could see her describing it as "intense attraction" or "magnetic"...but "butterflies" is usually used to describe a build up of romantic feelings, not sex. They didn't have enough to time to create butterflies, IMO. Not unless there was flirting/ texting/ communication going on before that night. My guess is that this has probably happened before with other guys, and men in your social circle know about it. This guy probably figured I'll take a shot, he hit on her ...and she was down for it. The fact that this happened at a party while you were there shows that she has no respect for you. When a woman loses respect for her man, it makes it a lot easier for her to cheat on him. Character issues + no respect for husband = perfect recipe for a cheating wife. A woman should value you completely as her partner, her man. If she only values you as a provider or for your parenting skills, that's a problem. How is your sex life? First, I would ask your friends and the men in your social circle what rumors they have heard about your wife. Hopefully one of them will have enough compassion and integrity to be honest with you. Then I would look at her texts, emails, social networks, phone apps, online game chat rooms, etc. Think about situations that may have happened in the past... explanations that didn't quite add up, times that didn't match, "friendships" with men/ coworkers. Be very assertive and tell her strongly that you will in NO WAY accept a cheating wife. Her behavior is not acceptable, under no circumstances. She has broken your trust and you need her to be 100% transparent for a long time until you can trust her again. Her behavior has shown that she doesn't respect you, so she may see your assertive behavior as a bluff and not take you seriously at all. Many wayward wives see their husband's as chumps that will believe anything. You have to show her, with strong words, actions and consequences that you will not tolerate this. If there have been incidents in the past, she has to come clean now. I know that you must be so hurt that your wife would do this. Your world has been turned upside down and you probably can't handle much more right now. However, understand that emotionally, our brains can only handle so much. When it seems more than we can take, a protective mechanism called denial often kicks in, sparing us from truths that we just aren't ready to bear yet. Consider this, especially when her explanations don't add up, but you desperately want to believe her. Don't stuff your feelings, and don't spare her from them. She needs to feel her consequences, including your anger and pain. She needs to be introspective and honest with herself. Why did she do this? Alcohol may have made it easier, but what underlying issues are going on that allowed her to cross this line? I have been tipsy at parties, but even in my drunkest mind never considered making out with another man. I seek out my husband for attention & affection. What made it so easy for her? Why was it even an option in her mind? Did she consider you at all? What did the guy say about it? Did you ask him what led up to this? What did she tell him about your marriage? Did they get off on doing this right under your nose? He is not the one that broke your trust, but he may be able to give you some insight into her state of mind, and how she really views you as a man. Finally, consider that your wife may not be the woman you thought she was. She has shown you now what she is capable of. It's easy to blindly accept her answers because you are viewing her based on the woman you thought she was. No stuffing your feelings to keep the peace. It's not about her feelings now, and she needs to do whatever you need to help you heal & trust her again. 4
BeholdtheMan Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Mack, it's time to find a new wife. What she did to you is...beyond disrespectful. What I find hilarious is that she doesn't want to talk about it because talking about it is unpleasant for her. Do you not see how incredibly self-centred that is? Also, I highly doubt this is the first time she's screwed around behind your back...and even if it were, so what? Once is enough. My advice is never make decisions out of weakness. Always make them out of strength. A cheater (who cheats in such a disrespectful way) isn't worth your time or affection. It's time to move on instead of clinging to an unworthy person and basing all your happiness on being with that person. If you stay, you're likely doing it because you're to scared to give up what you have, scared that she's the best you can get. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear (in this case, fear of starting afresh) can cause you to make some really bad decisions. Think about that
Trimmer Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I dont drink because I do stupid stupid stuff when I get too drunk. I have never blacked out but my actions are like someone else is in control of my body. When i was single I was hammered at this party and had sex with this guy i didnt even know. I remember the whole thing. The thrill of it and the "butterflies". Eveb the no protection. When i sobered up I had the walk of shame and had std test after test. A few more non sex related incidents (theft and vandalism being some) made me realize i could get too drunk. But unlike people who blackout I remember everything. If his wife has anything like the problem with drinking that you suggest, doesn't that contribute to the idea that maybe this isn't the first time she's had an experience like this? Im not excusing your wife's behaviour but I am saying that people can be very narrowminded and refuse to offer and quarter. He's narrowminded for insisting on talking about this, and refusing to just ignore it and "move on"? If you really can't forgive your wife for enjoying some taboo kissing while her inebitions were lowered then you probably should walk away now. Because that sounds more like hurt pride than wounded heart. So the main problem in their marriage at the moment is a character flaw (of "hurt pride") on his part? 2
Jenn.Smith Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I am not saying he is narrowminded im saying everyone who is saying his wife has done this before is. She may have. But she maynot have. And i do think she should talk about it but he may need a few days. If this is her first time she is probably very disgusted with herself. And talking to an angry spouse is not an easy circumstance. And yes, this is about him. If you cant get past what a spouse has done you do need to leave. Just the same as id a spouse does not repent. If she isn't really sorry... Leave. If he will not or cannot forget the incedent and holds it over her head for years... Leave. But if he really loves her an thinks he can forgive her then i think t was just one mistake. They should go to mc. She will probably open up better in a less hostile enviroment. I know when confronted in anger i shut down. She may have been more drunk than before plus medical reasons or age can factor in on the effects of alcohol. Or she is lying but she very well could not be.
dichotomy Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) ^^^^^^^^^^^^ Ouiet Storm nailed it perfectly. Yep - but would suggestion one revision - before you go asking around her social circle - first do the quiet hacking of cell and emails and social accounts. . Time to play private investigator. She has a major flaw in her right now - is it recent or long term? She knows more than she is saying. Edited April 23, 2013 by dichotomy
Author mack25 Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 You've probably got it half right. It is "the first incident that has happened in 15 years" that you know about. What has you wife done in the weeks since this occurred to help you understand her behavior? Continued defensiveness on her part equals guilt. The question you have to ask yourself is - Guilty of what ??? Mr. Lucky It is the first and she is willing to talk about everything including any details. Those don't seem to help but MC is helping.
Author mack25 Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 Yep - but would suggestion one revision - before you go asking around her social circle - first do the quiet hacking of cell and emails and social accounts. . Time to play private investigator. She has a major flaw in her right now - is it recent or long term? She knows more than she is saying. I have all passwords and have looked and there is nothing even close o suspicious
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