Soul Mates? Hogwash!

[LoneStar49]

Are we kidding ourselves?

 

I just joined this board yesterday and like most, I'm desperately searching for answers - if for no other reason other than to just keep me going. Like an alcoholic...one day at a time, although in the past few days, I've told my self, "Just one hour at a time. Get through just one hour!"

 

I don't know if reading all these stories help or not. I thought what we had was special and now find myself realizing that so many of us thought what we had was special. That of course, makes me wonder if the wool wasn't pulled over my eyes. Over and over, I've read the words...soul mates, emotional connection that I've never felt before...those sorts of phrases to describe what one person thought they had with their OP. All of these OP are in "unhappy" and "unloving" and "sexless" marriages. But yet...they don't leave those relationships. They use the excuse of kids (was just reading one story where the kids are in high school - give me a break!), the married partner is too unstable, and in my case...business concerns. Again - give me a break!

 

I guess I'm reaching the anger stage although I know it's a back and forth thing. Who knows? I might be back here again in an hour crying my eyes out. In the meantime, I'm wondering...why is it that all (or most) of us describe these people that have treated us so horridly (and I use the word inhumane with mine) but we insist they were our soul mates - that we had this "special" connection? To this person that would go home, blithely, nnight after night, to wife, family, friends? How many Christmases have you spent alone? And New Years Eve? And Thanksgiving? My first was Thanksgiving of 2001, and from there, it was a downhill slide. My "soul mate" promised that we'd never spend another Christmas apart. Excuse me? 2002, 2003, and now 2004 looming on the horizon? Oh! But I forget. I should be grateful. He did manage to slip away and call me Christmas night, 2003, and I did spend part of New Years day, 2004 with him. Bless his soul! How many of you have spent these holidays and birthdays with others - feeling like a 5th wheel or something? Watching the festivities as if in some sort of fog? And knowing, deep inside, that all you were seeing was taking place in hhis or her home?

 

Yeah...I'm mad now. Hurt, shellshocked, devastated and every other descriptive word one can find. And this was my "soul mate?" That person that I shared this special "connection" with me? Frankly, I feel horribly abused right about now. I allowed the last three and a half years of my life to be a lie - perpetuated by me in this fantasy land I was living in.

 

Comments?

[Fayebelle]

but as to your topic- I don't think most people would recognize their soulmate if they walked up and spit in their face.

 

I believe that there are people in every area of our lives that we are meant to find- to spend time with- to learn from. Does that mean we are going to have smooth sailing w/these people forever? No. Does it mean we are supposed to be w/all of them til death do us part? No.

 

I'm in a very happy relationship right now- Is he my soulmate? I dunno- and I don't care. We are happy- we are taking time to learn more about each other and ourselves- I love him very much- If I woke up tomorrow and he smacked me- he'd get a boot up his ass on his way out the door. If he cheated on me- I'd wish them the best b/c he's not coming home to me.

 

Nobody is meant to be w/someone who treats them badly. Problems arise- and you should try to work thru them- but everyone has deal breakers and if someone crosses that line- kick them to the curb. Habits and comfort zones do not equal soul mates.

[YellowLioness]

The only thing I know to say is just to keep your chin up, and move forward slowly.

 

Recognize and celebrate your small steps in progress towards healing.

 

Be patient with yourself, and if you need to go to a therapist so that you know how to deal with the anger, and where to put it, I'd adivise that, too.

 

Sometimes, the only thing that seems to help is a rebound relationship (it gives control back to you, so that you are the dumper, rather then the dumpee) but you'll only end up hurting another human being like you were hurt.

 

Just be single, enjoy the freedom and the benefits that come with it, and also don't contact the one who hurt you. That will only twist the knife that's in your chest.

[LoneStar49]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

but as to your topic- I don't think most people would recognize their soulmate if they walked up and spit in their face.

 

 

I'm happy you are happy, Fayebelle, and I hope it stays that way for you because I would never wish this hell on my worst enemy. Occasionally, people in these types of relationships do end up happy. The lucky ones.

 

But as I said, if you read the threads, you see that the vast majority of us thought we had found our "soul mate" when in reality, we've been used in the most horrible way. You know...steal from me...take my TV, my stereo, my car...I can go buy new ones. But this person stole my essence. A "soul mate" would never do that, would they?

[Fayebelle]

No

 

Soulmates are there to support, guide, and teach you. Even when your time w/them is thru- it should never end w/anger and hatred.

[LoneStar49]

Originally posted by YellowLioness

 

Just be single, enjoy the freedom and the benefits that come with it, and also don't contact the one who hurt you. That will only twist the knife that's in your chest.

 

I'm not finding any benefits to being single right now, YellowLioness, and after being "joined at the hip" for the past 42 months, I don't know that that will happen any time soon. But as for contacting him...no, believe me. That will never happen. If nothing else, I do have PRIDE. In all the prior break-ups, I've never been the one to reestablish contact. Unfortunately, I fell for it, though, each time he would contact me...thinking...OK, now he really knows what he wants. Yeah. Right. He knew what he really wanted...but communicated to me only what I wanted to hear and believe.

 

PRIDE - each time I even think about contacting him...a sticky note goes up somewhere in this house - PRIDE.

[YellowLioness]

I think that your soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be someone who is good for you, or someone that you're with. My friend McKenzie's soul mate is getting married to another woman. He's from Sweeden, and she's going in for the wedding.

 

There are emotional vampires, as I said, who can drain your energy away. I've been with a few of those, and it feels like you're missing some part of yourself after the relationship ends because they hurt you in such a profound way.

 

I'm not sure if that girl is your soul mate, but you may have a deep soul tie to her.

 

When my last x left me, I felt like he came, ate my soul, then left me to rot in my own emotional hell.

 

Like Faye, I'm not entirely certain that the man I'm with is my soul mate, but we're happy and very much in love, and that's all that matters.

 

Here's another idea that I've heard: We all have soul families on this planet. They may not be your real family, I mean, they could be, but they could be your friends, your lovers, your pets, even your most hated enemies.

[Fayebelle]

BTW- YL and I are a rarity here- not many people on LS are in happy committed relationships- that is why you see so much pain surrounding so called soul mates. Know how a 3 yr old will tell their mother that they "hate" them when they are angry, scared, or hurt? Well people here who want to be w/their past love will often refer to them as a soul mate- that doesn't mean it's true- it just mean someone they cared for has hurt them.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

Habits and comfort zones do not equal soul mates.

 

I think this is a very good line and I just want to bring it to the forefront. Something I think people should remember.

 

[size=24]

[color=indigo]Habits and Comfort Zones Do NOT Equal Soul Mates[/color]

 

 

 

Personally, I do not believe in soul mates. The phrase is over used and has lost whatever meaning it had in the beginning.

 

I feel that my husband and I were meant to be together, even though we don't always make each other happy. I couldn't imagine anyone else who would fit so well with me. We don't match 100% in our priorities, but close enough to have stayed married for a couple of decades and overcome some major hurdles, including break-ups. In the beginning of our relationship, I might have claimed that we were soul mates - at times. But I've never connected soul mates with forever or even consistency in a relationship. People change and therefore so must the dynamics of their relationships.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

No

 

Soulmates are there to support, guide, and teach you. Even when your time w/them is thru- it should never end w/anger and hatred.

 

I do believe in everyone having one "soulmate" out there whether they find him or her. I feel the same way as fayebelle they are there to support you and guide you, which is exactly what my so called "soulmate" did and wanted to continue to do untill i broke it off. Why? well because he wasnt mine he belonged to someone else but showed me how to love in ways i never knew possible.....mind you i have been married and divorced already.

 

I miss him terribly i email him all the time I like an alcholic have a terrible addiction like i have mentioned many times in here before. I tried the take it one day at a time and i made it 91 days and went right back with one simple HELLO I MISS YOU email.

 

I read here once a story about someone being your soulmate that story couldn't have been more true to me about the way I felt about him. And yet he continues to hurt me. We didn't end our relationship on bad terms with anger and hatred, but man the pain i feel is unreal.

 

He was is and always will be to me my "soulmate" because he touched my soul he stole my heart and I cannot replace him. I know we are not meant to be. But I feel so much emptiness without him.

 

I really have no good advice to give because I was a recovering addict who went right back to what hurt me the most. I just know that noone will quite understand the word "soulmate" untill you find the one who can simply just smile at you and your entire body goes numb with the love that you feel.

[whichwayisup]

Ican'tstoplovinghim....I know EXACTLY how you feel. My soulmate and I will never be together. He knows it, I know it. We are friends. Yes, we allowed our feelings to develop. We talked about it, always upfront and honest. I have always looked at it, he came into my life for a reason. It's not a forever thing. In the last bunch of months (not so much over the summer) we needed eachother, helped eachother through our problems. Focussed our feelings into our spouses. I know I love my husband. Nothing or noone is going to change that.

I'm very happy with him, he's my life. I just look at my online guy as someone who I can vent to, help him as he helps me.

 

It's calmed down alot, especially after coming here and really reading what everyone goes through. I honestly didn't think any harm of it, but judging how harshly I was critized by everyone with my first post way back when, I shut up about it completely. I know he and I are just very good friends. I have lots of male friends, worked with just men over the years with my job and I find it easier than working with women.

 

I don't go looking for anyone else, this guy and I just found eachother on a health website. It just happened, we connected somehow and instantly had feelings for eachother. I know I'm gonna get sh*t on here by many but whatever. I am not allowing it to ruin my marriage. Infact it has helped me alot grow closer to my husband, talk to him, open up with him as well as knowing this soulmate friend of mine is a blessing and I am lucky to have met such a wonderful person!!

 

Sorry folks out there who probably believe I'm some EVIL person because I still email back and forth with him. We both know what it is we need from eachother and we're both fine with it. I have my control back, I didn't over the summer, I really missed him alot, but because of that it made me realize that he's just out there. It's okay and we're just good friends. I told my husband about him, he knows we talk online, I didn't tell him how I really felt about him, no point in that cuz it's not going anywhere and I know myself too that it's just turning into a really nice friendship. My husband has his 'lady'friends and I know for a fact he's had a crush on her for about 2 years. I can tell when he talks about her. But I know he wouldn't cheat. I know her too, and she's really sweet. And nice. And very beautiful... Crushes are nice and make us feel good about ourselves. They enjoy eachother's company, they laugh and have things in common that my husband and I don't. And it's okay! For us it's fine. For other's that may be a HUGE problem. I know neither of us is cheating, but enjoying a friend.

 

So, my soulmate and I feel. I know he and I aren't ever gonna get together and infact I don't want anything more than a friendship...That's what I have right now and it's really nice!

[Joyce]

I can't say if I believe in soul mates or not. I used to but I got caught up in thinking and believing that and I ended up making bad choices... yes that person made me feel different but I think I felt different because he took the time to get to know the real me. He cared.. he listened... he said what I wanted to hear.

 

There are so many people in this world... do all of us really have one soul mate? One person we were meant to be with? Maybe I would believe that if you stayed friends and only friends because too many emotions come into play when you bring more into it.