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[youaremysunshine]

I've been dating my 21 year old boyfriend about three months. I'm his first relationtionship. He said I was beautiful on our first date but never again. He sometimes compliments my intelligence but doesn't flatter or sweet talk me at all. I guess I expect that from a guy, even if I know it's bs?

 

I on the other hand gush about how attractive, good in bed, smart, hardworking, ect he is on a regular basis.

 

I makes me feel really insecure not know what he thinks of me, does he like me, is he attracted to me.

 

Actually he doesn't really show his emotions at all

 

I sort of push him to open up and I can tell it makes him uncomfortable

[youaremysunshine]

I'be tried talking to him about this, and he acknowledges that he is not very expressive with his feelings. He told me once it took him 45 minutes of stumbling over his words to tell a girl he loved her and she rejected him.

[youaremysunshine]

Please guys, I'm feeling really desperate.

 

It's stupid because he believes in love and talks about how he believes it to the ultimate human experience

[youaremysunshine]

Crazily he often talks about believing in love and soul mates and all that. He want to marry young and have a family.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this!

 

I'd first like to ask you a couple of questions, if you don't mind:

 

You wrote that he acknowledged the problem. Has he mentioned anything about what he would be willing to do to try change it, to become better at expressing his feelings?

 

Do you feel it is a problem of not knowing how to, or more like not wanting to express his feelings (because of his rejection in the past)? Is he the same when it comes to his family, friends,...?

 

How does he respond to your compliments?

 

Does he show in his actions, if not in his words, how he feels about you, how he thinks you're amazing, ... ?

 

And do you in general (in previous relationships, outside of relationships,...) feel confident about your intelligence, kindness, looks, ... How would you describe your self-esteem? How old are you?

 

I think it's really great that you have discovered and started talking/seeking advice on this issue now, when it's fresh!

 

Best wishes & we'll try to help as much as possible!

[FitChick]

Drop the subject. He knows how you feel and what you want. Maybe be less effusive with your compliments to him.

[pcplod]

Well, as an alternative he could be really good at selling you a line in utter bull**** and not mean a single word of it. Would that mean that ignorance was truly blissful?

 

Being complimented every so often may well be soothing to the soul and the ego, but overdone it is simply devalued of any real worth.

 

Maybe instead of worrying about what is wrong with him, you maybe ought to worry about what is wrong with you that you have this desperate need. And it does sound desperate, according to your very own words.

 

Maybe developing your own sense of worth is a more valuable and productive route to persue and allow him to attend to his undoubted issues.

 

Consider the subject of dependency and co-dependency.

[Noproblem]

If he is still with you and isn't complaining, it seems he likes you then

 

But! Stop complimenting him that much!

[ses]

I love compliments like any person but too much can be overkill and overwhelming. Not all men willingly disclose their feelings to women, even when they're in committed relationships. I'm sure it's important to you, but have some confidence! Don't let your boyfriend's compliments determine your self-worth. Take security in that he chooses to be with you. Pushing him on the issue may only cause him to withdraw further and maintain a greater distance. Give him time and space.

[Zelias]

maybe your boyfriend shows love in a different way. I think he cares about you, and loves you. It is just that he does it a very different way. My father was like that to my mother. He never told her he loved her, but showed it through hard work, always being there for her and always helping out, that was his way of showing he cared. And my mother was fine with it, she knew. If you're that type of girl who needs to be told that someone should love you, then maybe you might consider moving on.

[Poppy fields]

He is dating you so he obviously has interest and is attracted to you. Are you that insecure that you need reminders of how special you are?

[Lani]

Sounds like you're complimenting enough for the both of you.

If you're constantly telling him how great certain pieces of him are, it takes the moment away for him to do it for you. If he does, he'll feel like he's just following on from something you said.

Tone down your own compliments and see what happens. Leave him some opportunities.

[youaremysunshine]

I will stop fawning over him, although its fun and he seems to like it. I'm just expressive and I like him. My his own addmission he has terrible self confidence and self esteem issues.

 

He chooses to spend his time with me so that is a sign he cares, I guess I should not need other reassurance. I would appreciate it if he said something like I care or you mean a lot to me or I'm happy to have you in my life even once.

[youaremysunshine]

I will stop fawning over him, although its fun and he seems to like it. Makes Jim blush. I'm just expressive and I like him. My his own addmission he has terrible self confidence and self esteem issues. He's also never had a girlfriend so maybe he doesn't know what to say..

 

My self esteem is a mixed bag, I'm proud of my achievements and consider myself fairly intelligent. On the other hand I am unhappy with my looks and have been used by men many times.

 

He chooses to spend his time with me and we are exclusive so that is a sign he cares, I guess I should not need other reassurance. I would appreciate it if he said something like I care or you mean a lot to me or I'm happy to have you in my life even once.

 

I keep imaging myself falling in love with him

[youaremysunshine]

I keep imaging myself falling in love with him in a few months and him saying he's just not that into me, that he thinks of me as a friend. I have no concept of weather or not he thinks this relationship has potential.

 

 

I'll look into the co depdancey thing but I am fairly independent, I work a lot, live alone, have social life, am involved in activism and am writing a novel. I don't text him every second or any thing.

 

It's true that men have bull****ted me about their level in the past but not having a clue about his level of interest is annoying as well

[youaremysunshine]

I keep imaging myself falling in love with him in a few months and him saying he's just not that into me, that he thinks of me as a friend. I have no concept of weather or not he thinks this relationship has potential.

 

 

I'll look into the co depdancey thing but I am fairly independent, I work a lot, live alone, have social life, am involved in activism and am writing a novel. I don't text him every second or any thing.

 

It's true that men have bull****ted me about their level in the past but not having a clue about his level of interest is annoying as well

[youaremysunshine]

I keep imaging myself falling in love with him in a few months and him saying he's just not that into me, that he thinks of me as a friend. I have no concept of weather or not he thinks this relationship has

 

It's true that men have bull****ted me about their level in the past but not having a clue about his level of interest is annoying as well

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I'll look into the co depdancey thing but I am fairly independent, I work a lot, live alone, have social life, am involved in activism and am writing a novel. I don't text him every second or any thing.

l

 

My self esteem is a mixed bag, I'm proud of my achievements and consider myself fairly intelligent. On the other hand I am unhappy with my looks and have been used by men many times.

 

First of all, wow, writing a novel, that's so awesome! May I ask what's it about (roughly)? I always wanted to write a (sci-fi/comedy) novel, so I really admire you for writing one!

 

 

Secondly, in a way what you've written about being proud of your achievements etc. & dissatisfaction with your looks reminded me of not only myself but of some of my female friends/acquaintances. And also what you've written about him, some of the things you've written really hit home, especially "the me" before I got my first gf.

 

So given how you both remind of myself, I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to suggest you (both) read a book called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward (available online for free in PDF, if you google it). It has helped me tremendously to understand why my self esteem is such a mixed bag, why I have trouble expressing my feelings etc. Hopefully it will help both of you individually and as couple (to work on your communication, etc.).

 

Also, I'd like to ask if he has shown any interest in addressing his own issues with his self-esteem, self-confidence etc.? It's great that he's aware, but what is he planning/willing to do about them? Given how young he is, if he's in college, is there any chance he could get free counselling or sth like that? I was in counselling and it really helped a lot, and am planning to go back in the future.

 

Best wishes & I hope to hear from you again, we're here to help!

[Ninjainpajamas]

This sounds like a one-sided relationship to a degree at least, sounds like you're doing way more fawning and groping over this relationship...is this the normal etiquette for you when you get with a new guy you really like?

 

I think guys saying they don't express themselves can easily be a scapegoat, and if he's told you were you beautiful on the first date but none thereafter I'd consider the first time/date just flattery.

 

As far as the soulmate aspect of it, that doesn't mean in reference to you. I know a lot of girls like to take everything a guy says to heart and apply it directly to themselves but often times young guys speak unwittingly and openly about their desires, without realizing who they're talking to this about, they're speaking in general terms for themselves, not because of how you make him feel.

 

He seems to have no problem expressing to you about certain things however others he seems elusive. I wouldn't say that because he's dating you he obviously is into you and thinks you are attractive either, a lot of guys climb the ladder with women...dating women they feel better than or not worth of a their long-term commitment, they just simply are with because you were available, timing, many things...plus it's not like the companionship is a bad thing.

 

But if this guy isn't acting into you, and he doesn't seem to be really interested...you're just gauging or assuming so because he's spending so much time with you...you might find yourself blindsided when he says that this isn't really working out for him one day.

 

You already seem like you're fantasizing and dreaming of where this could go.....and without much actual merit, you're just trying to assume and interpret his behavior...that's ridiculous, I'll never understand that strategy just because you'll "scare them away" well then just simply wait because you're scared to talk about these things and test the communication level or improve in your relationships and deal with whatever cards you are dealt in the future....then you can cry about it if it fails or be elated if it doesn't and works out...however, the proof is in the pudding and if you're just going based off what is happening now instead of some mystical unfounded future, what is this now? because that's what your real relationship is, not the future, it's already here.