Conspiracy Theories

[spirius]

Yes, I know it isn't productive, but given my exes history of overlapping relationships, I can't stop thinking about it.

 

This is shortly before we broke up.

 

Friday she went to a gig and then on to a local rock club. She came home in the early hours.

 

Saturday I was at work till 4pm then we went to a dinner party.

 

Sunday she was at work all day.

 

Monday I was at work all day and she went to a friend's house. By the time I got back, she was talking about moving in there for financial reasons. I'm not sure I buy that...surely she would be aware that after two years of living together that would be a major step backwards and at the very least could be a prelude to making it easier to end things.

 

So Tuesday we are broken up. I noticed she had added this bloke in the early hours of Saturday morning (shortly after the club). They have no mutual friends and this is unusual. I saw pictures of him in the club and so am sure this is how they met. They were in a group, yet he was the only one that she added.

 

Given that they don't share any friends etc, I'm wondering what prompted her to add him. Is there a chance she met this guy and either something happened or there was interest, which has led to her deciding she wants to move out?

 

I know, I know this isn't helping me. But given that she has cheated on everyone she has ever been with at the end, it's plaguing me that I might be mourning a relationship that in some ways I should not be.

 

Can't seem to let this stuff go.

 

It would have been our two year anniversary on Monday.

[spirius]

Really been driving myself nuts with this. Worst case scenario she met someone else 48 hours before we broke up. Does this really matter?

 

Why do I care so much?

 

Maybe because it would explain the coldness and how quickly she has detached.

 

I don't know how to let go! I mean i know I have to do it, but the impulses and my brain scheming away is driving me mad.

 

It's taking everything I've got not to go digging and find out...

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I know it isn't productive.......I can't stop thinking about it......

I know, I know this isn't helping me. ....... it's plaguing me....Can't seem to let this stuff go.

 

It would have been our two year anniversary on Monday.

 

Really been driving myself nuts with this. .

Why do I care so much?.....I don't know how to let go!.......the impulses and my brain scheming away is driving me mad.

 

It's taking everything I've got not to go digging and find out...

 

You're becoming obsessive.

I think you need to find a counsellor, because the obsession is blowing up the R into something far greater than it was.

Your obsession is becoming more intense than the relationship.

 

You need to see someone.

Fast.

And soon.

[spirius]

You don't think it's normal to wonder about the motivations at the end?

 

I'm not sure about BECOMING obsessive, I am naturally quite obsessive.

 

Truth be told, seeing people hasn't really helped with it very much. Medication does but will take ages to kick in.

 

The relationship was rather intense...we moved in together ridiculously quickly and finding out about lies became something of an obsession in itself.

 

I'm still looking around for answers rather than just saying "well, it didn't work and you are best off out of it".

 

Things are improving rather than regressing, but there seems to be an "anxiety of the day" thing going on. I was worrying about this guy for weeks ago, then stopped. Now I'm at it again.

 

I have no fuel for the fire now and have mostly accepted that it's over and that even if she came back, it would not work. So I'm mostly banging around inside my own head. I don't bother her with it anymore and don't try to contact her either.

 

I hate feeling this crazy about it. I'm a very laid back, level headed guy in "normal" life. I work hard, I'm very honest in relationships etc

 

But in this one I became so scared of what she was up to and I guess that is carrying over.

[Own Worst Enemy]

I'm not naturally an obsessive person, never was before the ex, but with him, one pic sent from his blackberry that was numbered a few digits after the last he sent me could keep me awake for hours torturing myself over the idea that he had been emailing pics of himself to someone else.

 

I wonder if we focus on this cr.ap because in some ways it's easier than thinking about the big stuff, the "it's over" stuff?

 

It's not right and it's not healthy but it is understandable. However, you've had enough time to think about it. Now your brain NEEDS to move on!

[spirius]

I think also because if I can find some reason other than ME that she's not around anymore, I could move on easier. I mean it would hurt, but there would be no ambiguity about her being with someone else.

 

This is silly. It had been going wrong for a long, long time and I really should be relieved that it ended amicably and be moving on.

 

I am getting there gradually, it just isn't easy to turn my head off. To start with I could barely function, but I'm back up to speed at work now and I seem to have moved from denial and trying to get her back into just feeling really sad about it, tinged with wondering if there was another reason why she walked so finally.

 

Like the guys from the camping trip and feeling embarrased about that afterwards, there is a good chance this is just me reading into everything. Of course, if there is some truth in it then I can be a) sad that she found someone else b) glad that it ended when it did.

 

I might go back on the medication at this point. Hopefully it will stop the running thoughts, intrusive images etc.

[TaraMaiden]

You don't think it's normal to wonder about the motivations at the end?

Yes, it's normal, but really, hun - you're overdoing it....

 

I'm not sure about BECOMING obsessive, I am naturally quite obsessive.

There is no such thing as 'healthily obsessive', you do realise that - don't you?

 

Truth be told, seeing people hasn't really helped with it very much. Medication does but will take ages to kick in.

Why hasn't it helped?

Have you been waiting for them to supply answers? If that's a 'yes' then no wonder it hasn't helped.

Medication is just a band-aid, a numbing device. Like alcohol, when the effects wear of - the schytt's still there.

 

The relationship was rather intense...we moved in together ridiculously quickly and finding out about lies became something of an obsession in itself.

Like I said - unhealthy....

 

I'm still looking around for answers rather than just saying "well, it didn't work and you are best off out of it".

Why?

What's wrong with that answer?

It's basic, down to earth, honest-to-goodness, straight-aimed truth. Why try to complicate it?

maybe there ARE no other answers.

 

 

Things are improving rather than regressing, but there seems to be an "anxiety of the day" thing going on. I was worrying about this guy for weeks ago, then stopped. Now I'm at it again.

 

I have no fuel for the fire now and have mostly accepted that it's over and that even if she came back, it would not work. So I'm mostly banging around inside my own head. I don't bother her with it anymore and don't try to contact her either.

See??

Unhealthy obsession alert!

 

I hate feeling this crazy about it. I'm a very laid back, level headed guy in "normal" life. .....

Well then stop it.

If it's not characteristic, drop the unhealthy behaviour.

 

If it IS characteristic, then you're obviously not as laid-back or level-headed as you imagine yourself to be - are you?

 

But in this one I became so scared of what she was up to and I guess that is carrying over.

 

What makes her so special that you let her occupy your brain to this extent?

She ain't 'all that' you know.....

[WhoreyBull]

... but the problem is you are waiting around for answers when you yourself said she probably found someone two days before she dumped you. The answer is you were nice for the time and now which you banging around inside your head she's banging this guy. She'll be moved in with him next week then he'll get to find out about her lies.

You must be a fan of the Wringling Brothers 'cause you are chasing a circus.

Edited April 6, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[Harradin]

My breakup was far more confusing then yours, and I did nothing wrong! I think about what on earth was on her mind to do what she did, but at the end of the day they are all her problems. It sucks being the one who suffers but you can say you dodged a bullet! Especially if she cheated on every guy shes been with.

[spirius]

Well, I've only seen counsellors. I'm not sure that is the right approach...I talk and spill my guts, but it doesn't suggest how I could change my behaviours. Something like CBT might be more effective.

 

I found that I used to obsess about everything until I took that medication. I feel like I have thoughts shouted at me and there is background anxiety that comes from nowhere that I spent alot of time trying to explain, I guess. By ascribing things to it. When I took the meds, the physical anxiety lifted and so my head wasn't looking to explain it all the time.

 

You'd never believe I'm a Psychology PhD

 

Why do I want an answer other than "it wasn't right?"

 

Truthfully, I think it's because the seed of doubt is in my mind and I want to know if

a: I'm just being crazy and that's something I should deal with

b: It's true in which case my intuition is right and can move on.

 

But I recognise that it is not healthy to be investigating B. The feeling of wanting to know persists.

 

This probably originates from the many occasions when I had a gut feeling she was lying and I persisted until found out the truth. I have that feeling now, but I don't want to be thinking badly of her if this is all in my head.

 

But...

 

Even if she DID meet a guy two days before we broke up. What does it matter? She got out of the relationship. That's better than an affair and is probably the right thing to do, surely?

 

So really, I should be satisfied with either yes or no. Yes, she met someone and got out as the love wasn't there. Good result, if painful. No, she didn't meet someone else and got out as the love wasn't there. Good result, if painful.