Dating "Their Kind" ?

[Kaiten]

Hello,

 

I am a guy who grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Never ever saw my dad once, mother told me she wished she could kill me, the whole nine yards.

 

I recently fell in love with a girl who had a very strong, loving family. I loved everything about that girl, especially the fact that her family was so close. After we got together, I actually became quite insecure of that. I had horrible scenarios play out in my head. For instance, a wedding day where only half the room is full because i had no family to invite. I informed her of my upbringing right at the outset. She told me it was no big deal at all and that her family was my family now. How sweet. It was like a good movie.

 

So things worked out great for a while. Her family was very accepting and supportive of our relationship. I thought it was going all the way. They did too. At least that's what they told me. Eventually, i actually grew jealous of my gf. It sucked that she was born into all that, and i was born into...yeah.

 

So one day i was super tired (hadnt slept in 2 days) I decided to turn my phone off and not reply to my gf. Also i was writhing in jealousy at the time, so i didnt want to end up saying the wrong thing to her and breaking up. So i chose not to talk to her at all. Because we didnt talk at all for that day, she got really upset. We eventually broke up over my ignoring her that day.

 

Since we broke up, her mom, who used to treat me as a son, doesnt talk to me. I see her family and all at church, and its not the same. Naturally, this triggered all the hurt i had felt as a child. Deep-seated stuff. I felt the sense of rejection and betrayal i had felt so many times before. And of course for the longest time, I have been wanting an unconditionally loving family. I thought that this was my chance. My ex doesnt talk to me at all. She actually doesnt even look at me. No anything.

 

I said all that to ask this question:

 

Is it just too risky for those of us who are more or less orphans to date people with really strong family ties? Is it feasible to be with someone who's background is completely opposite of mine? I miss my ex. But the breakup hurt doubly for me. I lost her, who i cherished, and lost the family i thought i had. As you can imagine, i go through bouts of feeling unlovable, and unworthy of ever having a family. It makes me cautious of wanting to be with any girl who may very well be 'the one' because of our different family backgrounds. Its depressing. I have plans to seek professional help when i get the money. But nonetheless, i have found very practical advice on this forum. I want to hear from you.

[Quiet Storm]

No. It's not too risky. It can be very rewarding.

 

You just have to be strong enough, and love yourself enough, to be ok without it.

 

My dad was an alcoholic cokehead. My mom a codependent. it seemed like she cared more about my dad, and what he was doing, who he was with, than us. My grandfather raped my sister. I lived in an old cold rowhouse in s. Baltimore...complete with rats and hookers on the corner.

 

My husband is one of 5. A military family. Happy. Well traveled. Dad worked at nsa, his mom always smiling.. They welcomed me and loved me. If it ended tomorrow it would've been worth it.

 

You have God. You always have a friend. I am not a believer, and sometimes I feel envious of believers. You are never alone.

 

Find another church. Another girl. And another great family.

 

You will be ok.

Edited April 6, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Kaiten]

Thats awesome that you found love even though you were so different. I guess i just wish it could have worked. She was awesome. As was her family. The bad thing is, were my ex to want to get back together, i dont believe that i could accept. I feel as if the rejection and feelings of being turned on are a lot to bear along with the risk of heartbreak

[Noproblem]

This story is so sad

but the girl was so fast in leaving you, don't you think?..She should have given you another chance!

You only didn't pick up the phone!

 

Anyway .....Hey...If you ask me

You shouldn't marry their kind, you'll always feel you are different and that will always reminds you of your bad luck and the unfairness of this miserable life

 

I mean, you should find someone who has similar story to you, so you can understand each other and be the family to each other

This girl, this lucky girl will never ever get what you are feeling, what you constantly feel! And it's not her fault, but it's hard to understand things you never experience before

 

It's like asking a guy to feel how it hurt for a girl to be raped

 

Anyway.....her family change in behavior is so normal, they don't hate you because you are you, they are upset because in their eyes, you hurt their baby girl and thus proved you were not what they expected

 

I'd change the church if I were you

 

Here is a hug ...I'm not a huggy person anyway, but you know what I mean

[Kaiten]

 

If you ask me

You shouldn't marry their kind, you'll always feel you are different and that will always reminds you of your bad luck and the unfairness of this miserable life

 

Life isnt miserable to me. It just hurts to hurt again. Fate would be very upset with me if i missed out on the right girl simply because i lacked the strength to face my demons. Sweeping my insecurities under the rug will do no good.

 

the rest of what you said resonates with me though

[Noproblem]

Life isnt miserable to me. It just hurts to hurt again. Fate would be very upset with me if i missed out on the right girl simply because i lacked the strength to face my demons. Sweeping my insecurities under the rug will do no good.

 

the rest of what you said resonates with me though

 

Miserable wasn't a word to describe you in general, it was a word to describe anyone in your situation....I don't know about your life and fighting back your demons is the best way of course....

[Archgirl]

Personally - just in my experience if you've had a crappy upbringing there's too huge a gap in understanding and emotional depth if you get in a relationship with someone who got the deluxe top of the line childhood.

 

Sounds bad but I swear they feel less. I prefer being understood. But it's tricky because I've mostly dealt with my crap and I don't want to be with someone who is still in the hole because I would over identify.

 

I think this chick was not the love of your life or she wouldn't have left you over something so small and would have understood why you have greater insecurities.

 

There is something better and more fufilling waiting for you around the next corner. You just have to keep walking.

[miss_jaclynrae]

As a former foster child and being able o relate, I must say that you should probably see a therapist.

 

I have had moments where I wondered the same thing in my relationships, butit has never pushed me to push away that person.

It has always been amazing to me how accepting people are and how lots of families out there take in their children's significant others as their own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What you did was ultimately wrong, I don't blame her, and eventually with suh a mindset, things would have gotten worse.

It is very possible to have a loving healthy relationship with someone who was raised in a functional home, but you won't be able to do that until you fully accept your past and learn to live with it with a healthy positive outlook.

[Kaiten]

Zayum! Well said by the last 2 posters both! I receive both of those advices

[Kaiten]

What you did was ultimately wrong, I don't blame her, and eventually with suh a mindset, things would have gotten worse.

 

I couldnt agree with you more. Im still in love, but the discipline i have now is that i simply cannot be in another relationship until i have dealt with this.

[Archgirl]

I couldnt agree with you more. Im still in love, but the discipline i have now is that i simply cannot be in another relationship until i have dealt with this.

 

 

I don't know if that's true. I do know that relationships are always gonna trigger of the greatest insecurities about loss and lack of love.

 

This is true of everyone probably and one time or another. It's just that some of us have stuff that runs a lot deeper to trigger.

 

And getting over it is not going to happen if you shut yourself away from learning to trust and open up to new potential partners. That will just keep you from moving on.

 

Stay strong and trust yourself. I wish you all the best of luck

[Kaiten]

Youre right Archgirl. I just cant bear the thought of hurting a girl the way i hurt my ex. I am trying so hard to learn everything i can from this. Thank you

[Radu]

I find it -very- odd that the relationship ended over just that little incident.

It's normal for her family to blank you, they are afterall her family.

 

I grew up with a normal and loving family, but completely abnormal grandparents.

I have my own issues, not to the level of yours obviously, and i strongly believe that i can find someone who is normal.

 

2yrs ago i went celibate because i kept falling for the same kind of girl.

The only one that i found who wasn't like that, well ... it didn't work out because we wanted different things in our lives [she was more driven than i was at the time].

Things have improved for me now, and with time i know i will find what i'm looking for, because i know how it looks [it looks like your ex's parents looked].

 

I think they will improve for you too.

In the meantime, write ... in a personal journal, online, it doesn't matter. It's great therapy.

[LexiB]

Youre right Archgirl. I just cant bear the thought of hurting a girl the way i hurt my ex. I am trying so hard to learn everything i can from this. Thank you

 

That's sweet. I have to ask though, if you do learn from this, and are still in love with your ex, why not take that knowledge and apply it to building a new relationship with her? It seems odd to me (and horribly unfair) that another girl should get the benefit of the reformed you, when the one you let go was good to you and there's still love there..

[carhill]

First things first, you put her and her family on a pedestal due to your insecurities.

 

That's a risk when vastly different FOO styles are encountered. Perhaps the OP has learned something about that from this experience.

 

Just remember this, all that glitters is not gold. A functional upbringing doesn't necessarily mean a Cinderella fairy tale life. Not to demean them or anyone else, but they are human beings and put their pants on one leg at a time just like you.

 

Yep, only human. As I used to tell my exW, Leave it to Beaver was a television show. Fiction.

 

Now you took the first step. You realized therapy will help you sort out your feelings and emotions. Now fix yourself and move on. You didn't choose your past nor can you change it, but you can pave the way to your own destiny.

 

I hope the OP continues his process and grows from this experience and sees future potential partners as peers, humans with both gifts and failings, just like himself, and comes to admire, rather than be jealous of, their gifts and sympathetic of their failings.

 

Never consider yourself unworthy.

 

Great advice. Feeling it elementally takes some work. It will come.

 

I find it -very- odd that the relationship ended over just that little incident.

 

I found it odd as well. No doubt there were details left out, probably surrounding actions resulting from the OP's jealousy of the FOO dynamic.

 

It's normal for her family to blank you, they are afterall her family.

 

Yup, painful, but pretty normal. I experienced the same thing during/after our D. I call it 'erasure'.

 

In the meantime, write ... in a personal journal, online, it doesn't matter. It's great therapy.

 

Good advice.

 

---------------------

 

Overall, while giving a lot of benefit of the doubt as a younger man, at my age now I accept that potential partners are who they are and don't expect them to change markedly from their life processes regarding their FOO dynamics, so judge their behaviors and reflection of their FOO as valid and make a decision on those perceptions as to whether they are considered to be compatible in that regard or not. My exW had a lot of FOO issues and such became exceedingly tedious for myself during our M. At some point, as adults, we become our own person and accept FOO as our history and not our future. We are our future. Good luck.

[runningfar]

Work on yourself. That is an unreasonable reaction. Not the occasional jealously, but letting it control you

[Woggle]

I had the childhood from hell while my wife has a great family and I am thankful now that I have a good family as well even though they are related by marriage. They treat me better than any of my actual family ever did except for my uncle.

 

You can choose to let your childhood define you and ruin any chance of a relationship with a functional person or you can move on and rise above it. I chose the latter and if you want to be happy you should get some help and work on yourself as well.

[Kaiten]

That's sweet. I have to ask though, if you do learn from this, and are still in love with your ex, why not take that knowledge and apply it to building a new relationship with her? It seems odd to me (and horribly unfair) that another girl should get the benefit of the reformed you, when the one you let go was good to you and there's still love there..

 

 

I would love nothing more than another shot with my ex. I prayed, and pleaded and all that. Actually whenever we did talk, her responses and new-found 'i no longer want this at all' attitude busted my heart up worse.

I love that girl but i cant get to her in any way. Its been a while since we broke up now. the only thing i can do is accept that its over. Which is very hard.

 

She wont even look at me when we are around each other now! And that hurts because i still have feelings for her. And i would destroy someone who tried to hurt her, but i feel like if i ever help her or protected her she would only dislike me more for it. Sounds ridiculous maybe but thats honestly the vibe she is giving off.

[todreaminblue]

Hello,

 

I am a guy who grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Never ever saw my dad once, mother told me she wished she could kill me, the whole nine yards.

 

I recently fell in love with a girl who had a very strong, loving family. I loved everything about that girl, especially the fact that her family was so close. After we got together, I actually became quite insecure of that. I had horrible scenarios play out in my head. For instance, a wedding day where only half the room is full because i had no family to invite. I informed her of my upbringing right at the outset. She told me it was no big deal at all and that her family was my family now. How sweet. It was like a good movie.

 

So things worked out great for a while. Her family was very accepting and supportive of our relationship. I thought it was going all the way. They did too. At least that's what they told me. Eventually, i actually grew jealous of my gf. It sucked that she was born into all that, and i was born into...yeah.

 

So one day i was super tired (hadnt slept in 2 days) I decided to turn my phone off and not reply to my gf. Also i was writhing in jealousy at the time, so i didnt want to end up saying the wrong thing to her and breaking up. So i chose not to talk to her at all. Because we didnt talk at all for that day, she got really upset. We eventually broke up over my ignoring her that day.

 

Since we broke up, her mom, who used to treat me as a son, doesnt talk to me. I see her family and all at church, and its not the same. Naturally, this triggered all the hurt i had felt as a child. Deep-seated stuff. I felt the sense of rejection and betrayal i had felt so many times before. And of course for the longest time, I have been wanting an unconditionally loving family. I thought that this was my chance. My ex doesnt talk to me at all. She actually doesnt even look at me. No anything.

 

I said all that to ask this question:

 

Is it just too risky for those of us who are more or less orphans to date people with really strong family ties? Is it feasible to be with someone who's background is completely opposite of mine? I miss my ex. But the breakup hurt doubly for me. I lost her, who i cherished, and lost the family i thought i had. As you can imagine, i go through bouts of feeling unlovable, and unworthy of ever having a family. It makes me cautious of wanting to be with any girl who may very well be 'the one' because of our different family backgrounds. Its depressing. I have plans to seek professional help when i get the money. But nonetheless, i have found very practical advice on this forum. I want to hear from you.

 

 

Difficulties build character,they enlighten you they give you purpose and reason to be the best person you can be i had some troubling times when i was young,but my parents were parents who made mistakes as all parents do........i feel for you.......i hav ea fiend who was bought up by the state taken from his parents he tops five foot now as he was not fed properly all through his childhood.......bought up in a home ......i went out with him for three years......he felt he had to prove himself by being popular with the ladies....our relationship ended.... he is still my friend i am the only family he has.......he is alone in the world.......bar the two sons i gave him and my family and myself ...he is bitter and angry at the world...has a drug problem....i dont give up ....many would...one day i hope he will find a good woman,nice and settle down and feel at peace ...with his life....and not need drugs to smooth out his bitterness

 

 

you need to find that peace........to progress within yourself before you have anothr relationship...you are not a sum of what has happened to you....you are a sum of what you can become.........i wish you well love light happiness and an absence of jealousy....hugs....deb

[Kaiten]

I find it -very- odd that the relationship ended over just that little incident.

 

Well i misphrased that. My not talking to her is the incident that started the whole thing. Got the ball rolling, if you will. Eventually I made the mistake of bringing up another girl to her. I was foolish enough to believe it was a playful joke. But that is what happened that pushed everything off the cliff.

 

Believe me when i say i have learned my lesson!!!!

[LexiB]

I would love nothing more than another shot with my ex. I prayed, and pleaded and all that. Actually whenever we did talk, her responses and new-found 'i no longer want this at all' attitude busted my heart up worse.

I love that girl but i cant get to her in any way. Its been a while since we broke up now. the only thing i can do is accept that its over. Which is very hard.

 

She wont even look at me when we are around each other now! And that hurts because i still have feelings for her. And i would destroy someone who tried to hurt her, but i feel like if i ever help her or protected her she would only dislike me more for it. Sounds ridiculous maybe but thats honestly the vibe she is giving off.

 

Oh I see. I was under the impression that this was a fairly recent breakup and that you just kind of ruled her out without trying to fix things. Sorry about that. As I said, I think you have the right attitude in wanting to take preventative steps to make sure you don't repeat this mistake. You seem like a sweet guy and your heart's in the right place. Best of luck.