where to start Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Why do the weekdays seem to fly past as we both keep busy with juggling work and the boys practice schedules, and then all the sudden - Friday again. I used to love the weekends, especially this time of year, but now they are full of dread. Weekends mean that we will be home...in the house...together. Sooner or later I have to decide what I'm going to do since clearly doing nothing isn't going to solve any of my problems. (I was recently informed that my husband has been carrying on a 2 1/2 year affair) If I could, I'd just like to get something off my chest. Throw it out there and see what sticks so to speak... I've been reading my fair share of posts with regard to why cheaters cheat, some from the perspective of the WS and some from the perspective of the OW/OM. One post with regard to whether a sexless marriage can thrive really started me thinking. I guess if I'm 100% honest with myself I'd have to say that there have been several times in our relationship where we have gone long periods without intimacy. What do I consider long? 6 months a few times, once almost a year. To admit that out loud (well, to all of you) is embarrassing. I can't even try to defend myself. Truth is, if I wasn't interested I wouldn't even entertain the idea. I can't remember just once taking one for the team. There were times when I didn't feel attracted to him. Like what I've read a lot of other ladies say, if I'm not feeling supported or respected or cared for emotionally, the physical attraction goes out the window too. Truth is, we hadn't been together physically since Halloween (don't ask) when I was informed about his affair. Now granted, that's not 2 1/2 years but I can bet it didn't help matters much. So fast forward to a few days ago when I realize that I've been really giving myself a hard time about this. I'm pretty sure this is why it's been taking me so long to decide what to do. I know sex is like gasoline to most men, they need it to keep running. However, this should not excuse his affair. I think I've been trying to make excuses to stay with him by taking responsibility for his actions. (I'd just like to say here that he never put this on me, I took it upon myself.) I know that our marriage wasn't perfect, but compared to some of the disasters I've seen my friends in I foolishly thought ours was on the better side of average. I assumed that many couples experienced dry periods like ours and we were no exception. So now that I've stopped making excuses for him it's crystal clear to me that our lack of intimacy was the result of other lingering issues. I've given a lot of thought to why I thought I needed an excuse to stay and it always comes back to the same thing...because I'm mad! Not crazy, mad. (Though the verdict might still be out on that one.) Mad, mad! Fuming pissed kind of mad! Mad that he would do this to me! Mad that he seemed to really enjoy her! Mad at how he portrayed me! Mad that he called her beautiful and sexy! Just plain mad! Out of all this anger came the determination to stay for a petty reason - I wanted him to choose me. Am I the only one who's ever come to this conclusion weeks later? Or am I crazy after all?
hannah11 Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 I have this friend, he is married, I am not. We aren't that close, just sort of talked a lot. A lot of times our conversations would turn sexual, he always initiated the sexual part of our talks, even brought up scenarios of us having sex, for explaining certain things. He wears a wedding ring so I knew he was married, but some of his behavior towards me made me question it...I started to get feelings for him. Still kind of do. Nothing ever went as far as him cheating on his wife with me, it might have happened with other girls, but not with me. I'm not sure. Anyways, he never talked about his wife until the last time we had hung out and that was the first time he even mentioned her. But he spilled everything. They hadn't had sex in a certain number of months, she was distant, he felt lonely. He spilled all of this when he made a comment about us having sex and I jokingly went along with it. Anyways, the point of this story is, maybe he is cheating on you because his relationship at home is not satisfying, or he feels lonely. Of course you want him to choose you, that is not abnormal at all. Everyone wants to feel loved and cared for. Your lack of intimacy may not be the cause of your problems, but it could be the effect. I'm not a relationship expert but if you really want to try working things out with him and you are willing to put aside his cheating then just go for it. Try to bring intimacy back into your lives, I'm not sure how exactly to do this....but 6 months to a year is a long time.
Furious Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 (edited) There were times when I didn't feel attracted to him. Like what I've read a lot of other ladies say, if I'm not feeling supported or respected or cared for emotionally, the physical attraction goes out the window too. This^^^^^^ In what ways did your husband make you feel unsupported, disrespected, and leaving you feeling uncared for emotionally? If you were feeling all this, then intimacy, not just sex, but true intimacy and sex is going to suffer. Intimacy is not something that just happens in the bedroom, intimacy is hand holding, flirting, cuddling, sharing a laugh, talking and sharing your day and making short term and long term plans, it's showing that you each matter to each other. Without this, especially for women, intimacy and sex are intertwined and hard to separate. I can assure you while your husband was cheating, he fed the affair and starved your marriage. In a way the more he pulled away from you, and more you unknowingly reacted to his distance and thus he justified his affair. It's not unusual that subconsciously a cheater will sabotage their marriage and re-write their history as a way to justify their betrayal. Edited April 6, 2013 by Furious
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 You two let 'life' get in the way and stopped trying as husband and wife. Intimacy slowed down to a crawl and for him it probably was just easier to go look elsewhere, try someone new for fun and have meaningless sex to fulfill his needs. Problem is, eventually emotions get in the way. A 2 1/2 year affair is serious and he could have deep feelings for the OW. That isn't a justifcation to go and cheat, not feeling needs being met and look elsewhere, that was wrong and that is ALL on him. Each of you are responsible for issues/problems in the marriage. YOU are NOT to blame for him choosing to cheat. The issues in your marriage are very fixable, if you both are willing to work together, put in 100% effort to get your marriage back on track. Is he remorseful, truly remorseful that the A is over? IS he an open book, allowing you access to his email, cell? Anytime you'd like? Is he worth fighting for and given another chance to regain your faith and trust again? I believe everybody is worthy of a second chance IF they are truly willing to put their best in and are remorseful, and own their affair.
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