Gyxer Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Please forgive me as it is hard to share, so I figured with random strangers would be the best way, so here I go. The history My wife of 7 years has a friend she has had for a long time.(which i have never met) A few years ago my wife and I got into an argument over some things. I'll admit our marriage was on the rocks at this point. She complained to him that I was always on xbox, and ignoring her. (mind you i was working 12 hour days and more sometimes and played some xbox when i got home to relax for a few hours and try to avoid my marriage issues) And ill admit, it was a bit excessive, but we were going through problems as i said and our marriage was on the rocks at best. Well this "friend" of her's blasts me all over her account saying in short that i was a s****y husband, father and a all round horrible person. keep in mind ive never met this guy once, and ill admit i wasnt being the best husband at the time. no excuse for it. i was young and i didnt know how to deal with the problems. But to say i was a *****y father, that crossed a moral line with me. He brought my kids into bashing me on her account where everyone (including my mother sister and her family) could see it. After refusing to defend me (saying deleting it was good enough after we argued about it for a bit) she promised me for the sake of our marriage not to talk to him again. now on to the problem. A few days ago out of the blue she starts talking to this guy. Oc i get mad and im like you know what u promised to break contact with him, wtf? This started an argument where i said ok screw it, you made the promise do what you want. and she ran right over to her puter so she could friend him again. That sent me a message of up yours. So i got mad and i told her how i felt,(betrayed by her choice and hurt that her want to talk to him was more importiant on how i feel about it) and she again jumped to his defense. So i asked her why is this guy so importaint to you that you would break your promise to me? shes like cause he's and old friend, why cant you just let it go? So i reminded her of what he had said and told her that offended me deeply. She jumped right to his defense saying he didnt mean it and he was just tring to upset you. and that i should let it go and be his friend?!?! I told her i would prefer her not to talk to someone who offended me in such away. Her responce was to defend him again, and telling me im tring to controll her, throwing all my past mistakes in my face ect. So at this point im thinking what the heck. so i asked her to stop talking to him, she again went right on the offence. this upset me, at this point i feel like an inch tall if im lucky. After arguing on and off about this for a few days (3) i gave her a choice. Me or him. I told there isnt room in my life for him to be a part of it, he offended me morally and i cant handle him in your life, you defend him at every turn, while making me out to be the bad guy, and it feels like your putting him first, so if you would rather be with him, then make your choice, either choose me, your husband or him...... sorry so long am i right for standing my ground on this?
Author Gyxer Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 i dont think she's sleeping with him. But the other stuff is what offends me, ive been standing my ground, and told her to choose between me and him, and either i stay and he goes or he can stay and ill go. She said im controlling her because i demanded she stopped talking to him or leave. I feel that im in my right and demanding a choice out of her, but she feels that im just tring a way to controll her, cause yeah i want to beat the heck outta this guy, but ive refrained for 4 years because of her. i mean am i being controlling? im not tring to im just giving her a choice me or him. I even told her she could keep the house and everything i owned except the clothes on my back if she chose to leave me. all i asked was for the kids every other week. I think im being more then gracious, but then again according to her im just blowing this whole thing WAY outta proportion. I spend the time she is at work thinking about my problem for the last few days to see if there was some sort of half way point we could both meet at, but the way i see it, why should i back down when I'm being hurt the most by this. And her response is that she's being hurt by being forced to choose.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Since you're posting, my response is to you although your wife certainly has interesting priorities. They say a good attorney never asks a question in court that he doesn't already know the answer to. The same applies to you. And if your wife chooses contact with him, are you prepared to walk away from your marriage over this? That seems to be what's at stake here... Mr. Lucky
Dugger Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Does your wife go out and meet up with this guy, or is she just talking to him over the internet? I guess my main question is, is she simply looking for an outlet and someone that she feels comfortable talking to or do you feel like she is looking for more? The worst part is that you have kids involved, nobody wants to get kids involved in an ugly situtation as this. As for this guy she is talking to, how did he openly insult you? I am a little confused on this matter. Did you meet the guy personally or washe putting up some comments on his facebook/twitter? From the sounds of it your wife is using him as an open forum to express her feelings and then he is twisting them around which is (obsviously) very upsetting to you. Have you ever considered counselling? It seems like you both have issues regarding your marriage and I think a neutral third party here to listen to both sides of the story would be very beneficial. How much do you care about your marriage and your kids? Sure, the guy she is talking to sounds like a douche, but if she's doing it simply to have someone to talk to then perhaps its forgiveable. All I'm saying is that it sounds like perhaps you should seek counselling first if you really care about your marriage. If that doesn't work, then perhaps look into filing for a divorce.
Thegameoflife Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 The other guy on the net is what you call a wolf. A wolf looks for emotionally injured woman, and then pounces. It starts off by him being sympathetic to everything she says, taking her side, and establishing an emotional bond through understanding. Then the wolf reiterates everything she says and empowers her to go against you, which will eventually cause her to leave, and run right to his arms. He is the wolf. You have options. I would go onto his facebook every day and write about what he's doing to your marriage. Nobody likes a person purposely trying to destroy a marriage.
Author Gyxer Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 i am currently in counseling, and have asked my wife to join me many times. She refuses to come in with me saying that its not her thing. I love my wife and kids very much and that's why i posted on here, to get a wider grasp of what route i should take next. Also I agree with you Thegameoflife, that is exactly what he is doing. Every time they have talked she was even more upset with me and picking fights. She claims she was going to keep our marriage out of her "friendship" so it didn't happen again, but with the long history of what we went through last time he was "chatting" with her I really don't want to go through it again. And, also the way he offended me was on her main fb page and was a Very long in-depth insult including stuff I told my wife from when I was younger before i ever met her. I'm not going to repeat what he said on here, but it was a very personal attack on me, in a place where not only my mother/sister could read it, but her entire family could see it as well. When i asked her to say something to him, her response was to scream at me and after a fit of (for lack of a better word) rage deleted the post saying there i handled it, and promised to break contact for our marriage.(after a long argument/talk)
TigerCub Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 If someone disrespected my partner- my partner would never have to ask me to cut my contact with them because I would be doing that on my own. Look, we don't really know what those past mistakes of your she's throwing in your face so we don't know how you've been treating her in the past - but even if say you were an ******* and a bad father she should leave, not stay and have people just talking **** about you and having the resentment and dysfunction build. Bottom line is - you're her husband and the father of her children and it shows an incredible amount of disrespect for her to ignore what the friend is doing. She's disrespecting you She's ignoring your feelings She's not willing to do therapy with you. Why are you allowing yourself to be so mistreated? Fine you love her -is it really worth your self respect?
Sparty97 Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Ask her point blank if she used to f**k the guy. I know the answer...well I know the true answer. I don't know what she will say.
Try Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 i mean am i being controlling? im not tring to im just giving her a choice me or him. I even told her she could keep the house and everything i owned except the clothes on my back if she chose to leave me. all i asked was for the kids every other week. I think im being more then gracious, but then again according to her im just blowing this whole thing WAY outta proportion. You are not being controlling. She is being disloyal. You have every right as her spouse to expect that your wife not be a friend of someone that is publicly your enemy. That fact that she does not understand this on her own, tells me that there may be more going on here than you know. The fact that he feels that it is OK with your wife that he be your outspoken and public enemy, tells me what he thinks your wife feels about you and your marriage. Hold your ground and be ready to act. Many couples have rules that do not even allow each spouse to have any opposite sex friends (OSF). Those couples that do allow for OSF, have rules that the require that the OPS friend must be a friend of the marriage and of the spouse; this is one of the most basic of rules. Your wife's OSF is not only not a friend of the marraige, but he is an outspoken enemy of you the spouse. Additionally please realize, that since he has never met you, that everything that he knows about you that makes him your enemy, he heard from your wife. She has also betrayed you by telling him private things about you that should have remained only between a husband and a wife. In this way, her relationship with this other man (OM) indicates that she is having at least an emotional affair with this OM. An emotinal affair is cheating. Read "Not Just Friends" today to learn why this is an EA. Also, if you do divorce, stop promising that she will get everything but the cloth on your back. You should not be rewarding her for being disloyal if you do divorce. You would feel like a fool for having given your disloyal wife everything only to watch the OM, your outspoken enemy, reap the financial benefits when he moves in with your wife.
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