questioning the success of no contact

[Hopeful714]

I do not know the answer to this question but here is what I do know:

 

My BU was 7 months ago. I am currently going into the 8th month. It was a bad one. Cheating, lies, etc. Depression afterwards. I guess you could say I ended it, but he never tried to get me back. During the 1st month post breakup I contacted 2x, I think I was looking for answers or closure. Although he responded to my contact, it was not authentic. If anything he was responding...in order to blow me off, which he did both times. I was done at that point.

 

Since then, I have now been contacted 3 times via text. All messages were "nice" however somewhat calculated I presume. The most recent being last week. All times, I responded very short, generically and cordially, never showing any emotion.

 

One can presume several things about the contact.

 

-Is this person between gf's and looking to see if there is still interest?

-Is this person feeling guilty and trying to relieve guilt?

-Is this person looking for an ego boost?

-Is this person dangling a carrot?

-Is this person looking to see if you moved on?

-Is this person truly caring or missing you?

 

The first 2 contacts from him I believe were from guilt. Ok, I get it...what ever. This last contact, I think its dangle the carrot, for seriously, I cannot and do not even see the purpose of it. Its been 7 months. Seriously, I cannot see myself ever sending a text to someone after that period of time. I can not even fathom its purpose. I will never know. None of the texts I received ever said anything more then a thinking of you holiday greeting. Which I think is just stupid and demented.

 

NC has helped me get away from this guy who treated me like shi*. It made me get out of the circle of destruction I was in and helped me to think for myself and see things clearly about the relationship. It got me away from his control and broke the emotional bonds so I could institute boundaries for myself. It is helping me to heal although I am not there quite yet.

 

I have also learned though from this last contact that this is impeding my progress now. It sets me back every time I hear from him. If I hear from him again, I am pretty confident I won't want to respond anymore because at this point, it really makes no sense. He is not saying anything I want to hear, it seems completely pointless, and I do not want to be friends AT ALL. If anything, it just brings more pain. And I am so done with him bringing pain to my life.

 

So, to end....Go NC for yourself with the goal of healing. What will be will be. Do what you feel you need to do if you get contacted by your ex but never look or think that by going NC it will bring them back.

[icantbelieve]

I'll throw in my 2 cents here. I've had an awful break up, not gonna explain it as it was very confusing. She basically ran off with my friend who manipulates and backstabs people with no empathy.

 

But I'm coming up to 6 months NC, 7 months since the BU and in the end it was something NC was the only way to go as she tried quite hard to keep me in her life as a 'friend.' I refused outright and she got angry and told me it was my loss. She's not even tried to reach out to me since that night. Sure I have weak moments (I had one last night) but I'm far better off in my life having done NC, I would have only been hurt continually by not having NC.

 

Will she ever end up coming back to try things out again? Considering how bad our breakup was, I doubt it. I hope she feels regret that she threw away someone who really loved and cared for her for someone who's only going to hurt her. Especially as she told me how scared she was of losing me to some stupid mistake she would make, she did it all by herself!

 

Course I still love her and care for her, but a betrayal like that pretty much destroys anything that could have happened between us.

 

No Contact is a success, but only for you, not for them or you and them.

 

thanks for sharing, sorry to hear about everything

[icantbelieve]

I know how you feel, because I feel the same...FEEL is the key word here. My emotions say I miss my ex, and still have feelings for her. I wish that we would get back together and everything would be as it was, but I think not. THINK....is the key word here, because my logic knows that too much damage has occurred, and the time apart will not solve the problems we had.

 

I have been in NC for about 1 1/2 months now, and I know that I have a long way to go. Time heals all wounds, and my logic reminds me of this. My feelings cause me pain, but it will pass.

 

I don't have to let NC give me false hope, because i'm using it for what it is meant for which is to heal, & put things in perspective. You still love her, and want her back. I FEEL the same, but I THINK after knowing she was with other men, I wouldn't want her. I THINK that the relationship is dead, and that the more time apart will help me move on.

 

The attachment you feel will not wane easily. Your emotions for her will be very stubborn, but you must focus on what NC is really about. If your not going to take it as the strategy of healing it's meant to be, then break it, call your ex, tell her how you feel. Try and persuade her into giving it another shot, and see how it goes. Maybe she'll say, "I've missed you so much!, yes I want to try again." Or maybe she'll say , " I've moved on and there's no chance that we'll ever get back together." Then atleast you'd know, and all you have to lose is more pain, and more time, but look what you may gain.

 

Basically what you can do is use NC to improve yourself. Use all the extra time to become more of who you want to be, and then maybe, if circumstances permit you'll have an opportunity to start a new relationship with your ex, if you still feel the same way.

 

You can always chuck whatever progress you've made (which doesn't seem much) and implement NC all over again. There are your valid options. As for me, I'm sticking to NC and if she leaves a breadcrumb, she does. If she initiates something more substantial, she will, if she doesn't, she won't, either way, I know I will be alright, because it's not about what she does, it's about what I do.

 

i feel like we are on the same page. like you, i wud not want to be with her after shes been with another guy. are you sure your ex is with someone else now?

i want to reach out to her cuz its already been a month, but i said that i wud not bother her anymore. yea i feel like i shud keep trying becuz i care so much about her, but itll prolly just push her farther away. i asked if i did something wrong or if we cud work it out. she said its not that, its just that shes unsure of what she wants and shes confused, needs to figure things out on her own. maybe thats not the real reason, maybe it is.

 

i dont want to pressure her and in the end i know its her decision to make.

 

:confused:

[icantbelieve]

I do not know the answer to this question but here is what I do know:

 

My BU was 7 months ago. I am currently going into the 8th month. It was a bad one. Cheating, lies, etc. Depression afterwards. I guess you could say I ended it, but he never tried to get me back. During the 1st month post breakup I contacted 2x, I think I was looking for answers or closure. Although he responded to my contact, it was not authentic. If anything he was responding...in order to blow me off, which he did both times. I was done at that point.

 

Since then, I have now been contacted 3 times via text. All messages were "nice" however somewhat calculated I presume. The most recent being last week. All times, I responded very short, generically and cordially, never showing any emotion.

 

One can presume several things about the contact.

 

-Is this person between gf's and looking to see if there is still interest?

-Is this person feeling guilty and trying to relieve guilt?

-Is this person looking for an ego boost?

-Is this person dangling a carrot?

-Is this person looking to see if you moved on?

-Is this person truly caring or missing you?

 

The first 2 contacts from him I believe were from guilt. Ok, I get it...what ever. This last contact, I think its dangle the carrot, for seriously, I cannot and do not even see the purpose of it. Its been 7 months. Seriously, I cannot see myself ever sending a text to someone after that period of time. I can not even fathom its purpose. I will never know. None of the texts I received ever said anything more then a thinking of you holiday greeting. Which I think is just stupid and demented.

 

NC has helped me get away from this guy who treated me like shi*. It made me get out of the circle of destruction I was in and helped me to think for myself and see things clearly about the relationship. It got me away from his control and broke the emotional bonds so I could institute boundaries for myself. It is helping me to heal although I am not there quite yet.

 

I have also learned though from this last contact that this is impeding my progress now. It sets me back every time I hear from him. If I hear from him again, I am pretty confident I won't want to respond anymore because at this point, it really makes no sense. He is not saying anything I want to hear, it seems completely pointless, and I do not want to be friends AT ALL. If anything, it just brings more pain. And I am so done with him bringing pain to my life.

 

So, to end....Go NC for yourself with the goal of healing. What will be will be. Do what you feel you need to do if you get contacted by your ex but never look or think that by going NC it will bring them back.

 

i will keep what you're saying in mind. if she ever does initiate contact, ill be sure to only answer if it is meaningful. hearing about ur experience made me realize that saying i miss you is different than them actually missing you. if they miss you, they will show you and you will know

[SharkTooth]

One BU of mine when I was the dumper. I thought of my ex and missed her right away but not enough to contact her after she went NC like a week later. After about a month, and out of nowhere, I started hanging out with a woman from work and having some fun. The everyday or every other day thoughts of 'did I make the right decision' with my ex stopped there. My feelings of romance were diverted to my new interest. And even though I did occasionally think of my ex, those thoughts soon died.

 

That's probably not what you wanted to hear but that's just me and my circumstances and how the planets line up. No contact from my ex allowed me to think clearly which helped with my decision to move forward pursuing my new interest. BTW, that was like 8 years ago and I think of her every so often.

[flight E]

NC can definitely make ur ex come back but most of the time it won't last if u don't correct mustakes. Had an ex date I made all mistakes with begged, harrassed, insulted went no contact but after a while started talking to heer like a friend but still got the same way I.e I got too possessive and lost her u can surely get your exback if u play it right its simply psycology not love

[icantbelieve]

One BU of mine when I was the dumper. I thought of my ex and missed her right away but not enough to contact her after she went NC like a week later. After about a month, and out of nowhere, I started hanging out with a woman from work and having some fun. The everyday or every other day thoughts of 'did I make the right decision' with my ex stopped there. My feelings of romance were diverted to my new interest. And even though I did occasionally think of my ex, those thoughts soon died.

 

That's probably not what you wanted to hear but that's just me and my circumstances and how the planets line up. No contact from my ex allowed me to think clearly which helped with my decision to move forward pursuing my new interest. BTW, that was like 8 years ago and I think of her every so often.

 

its not what i wanted to hear, but im sure this happens with females too.

[TaraMaiden]

Let's not start a gender comparison.

 

Everything that happens in a relation, and post break-up, happens to both genders.

 

But look on the realistic side:

if your ex-moves on, and meets other guys, that is as clear an indication to you, that you should absolutely certainly do likewise.

[Calcmag]

I'm not sure I'm going to be telling you anything useful but this is my experience of repeated NC within a very on/off r'ship that's been going on for nearly 10 years. We've broken NC every time we've broken up and have reconciled several times. I have now concluded that the r'ship is toxic or addictive or whatever you want to call it. We both describe our feelings for each other as being like a drug.

 

We're now over and I'm determined this time it's forever. I was the dumper this time but in the past it's been him that's broken up with me three times.

 

The most recent time we broke up was June 2011. We went strictly NC. We never saw one another in person, no calls,no emails, not even a drunk text between us until December 2012. One day I got the feeling I wanted to check the email account I'd stopped using when we broke up. I'd checked it a few times between, mostly at the beginning. Anyway, there in my inbox, a year and a half later of NC, was an email from him that he'd sent just a few hours earlier.

 

We reconciled but it was a mistake. Just like it's been a mistake every other time.

When a couple breaks up, it's usually for a very good reason. The loneliness and the missing the other person can blind you to the reality of the situation.

Edited April 7, 2013 by Calcmag
spelling!

[Harradin]

thanks for sharing, sorry to hear about everything

 

Last night, I logged onto Facebook and the first thing on my news feed was a mutual friend's status, both my ex and the 'friend' are blocked on my Facebook, but you could tell there was a conversation between them, it was all lovey dovey honeymoon period talk crap (after nearly 7 months after she left me for him too) and it hit me bad. I posted a serious rant on here and I only slept for 3-4 hours.

 

But when I woke up I realized how important NC is, all is does it give you hurt, especially in my case where they were acting like they were in the honeymoon period.

 

NC works so well because you don't hear anything about them, so you don't get hurt when you still harbor feelings for them.

[icantbelieve]

for those that had their ex contact them afterwards, how long were you guys in no contact for?

 

my relationship lasted 6 months, i really feel that 60 days of no contact is a long time. we never went a day without talking to each day so these past 30 days have seemed surreal.

[Cram1660]

I got my ex girlfriend back using no contact after three months. But guess what? she broke up with me again after another three. Don't get back with an ex, most of the time they come back because they are lonely. Hang in there, lots of vagina's out in the world

[all_cats_rgray]

One BU of mine when I was the dumper. I thought of my ex and missed her right away but not enough to contact her after she went NC like a week later. After about a month, and out of nowhere, I started hanging out with a woman from work and having some fun. The everyday or every other day thoughts of 'did I make the right decision' with my ex stopped there. My feelings of romance were diverted to my new interest. And even though I did occasionally think of my ex, those thoughts soon died.

 

That's probably not what you wanted to hear but that's just me and my circumstances and how the planets line up. No contact from my ex allowed me to think clearly which helped with my decision to move forward pursuing my new interest. BTW, that was like 8 years ago and I think of her every so often.

 

ARE you trying to make me break NC. lol.... I mean, if your ex popped up during that time... He has a new interest. What im I doing... ? I think about him everyday. The idea of him forgetting me is sad. I miss him so deeply. **** ..

Edited April 7, 2013 by all_cats_rgray

[youngnlove89]

I am in NC with my ex. It's been hardly a week and he is trying to turn the tables on me and making me sound like the bad guy. He thinks I used him for sex. YES, this is coming from a MAN. He says that I am immature and it is ridiculous that I'm ignoring him.

 

But the thing is, we have to remember why we are no longer with them. Yes, it sucks and it is extremely hard to ignore someone you love. But in the end, what is the right thing for US? In the end, what is going to make us happy? I know it won't be being with someone who doesn't treat me right.

 

My ex treated me like scum at times. We never did anything together and he wanted to stop the sex because I scared him by pranking him on April Fools and saying I was pregnant. He then said how he will have sex with someone else in the future. I don't need that nonsense. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to wait around for someone who may never change. I couldn't do it anymore. After two years, I had enough. No contact isn't to win him back, it is for me to MOVE the hell on!

[TaraMaiden]

.... Hang in there, lots of vagina's out in the world

 

 

Yeah, and too many pricks not good enough to fill them.

[icantbelieve]

Yeah, and too many pricks not good enough to fill them.

 

 

agreed, but i do feel that breakups differ not only based on dumper/dumpee but male/female as well.

 

 

the one gender comparison i will make is that:

 

for a female, it is usually much easier to find a rebound/new interest cuz there are always men trying to hit on them most of the time.

 

much harder to find a girl hitting on a guy haha

[icantbelieve]

I am in NC with my ex. It's been hardly a week and he is trying to turn the tables on me and making me sound like the bad guy. He thinks I used him for sex. YES, this is coming from a MAN. He says that I am immature and it is ridiculous that I'm ignoring him.

 

But the thing is, we have to remember why we are no longer with them. Yes, it sucks and it is extremely hard to ignore someone you love. But in the end, what is the right thing for US? In the end, what is going to make us happy? I know it won't be being with someone who doesn't treat me right.

 

My ex treated me like scum at times. We never did anything together and he wanted to stop the sex because I scared him by pranking him on April Fools and saying I was pregnant. He then said how he will have sex with someone else in the future. I don't need that nonsense. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to wait around for someone who may never change. I couldn't do it anymore. After two years, I had enough. No contact isn't to win him back, it is for me to MOVE the hell on!

 

haha interesting but good for u

[icantbelieve]

ARE you trying to make me break NC. lol.... I mean, if your ex popped up during that time... He has a new interest. What im I doing... ? I think about him everyday. The idea of him forgetting me is sad. I miss him so deeply. **** ..

 

see thats the thing. the reason i even started this thread. i dont want my ex to meet someone else while i give her time and space, cuz to me that would be the end forever even if she wanted me back.

[icantbelieve]

I got my ex girlfriend back using no contact after three months. But guess what? she broke up with me again after another three. Don't get back with an ex, most of the time they come back because they are lonely. Hang in there, lots of vagina's out in the world

 

thats a no contact success story even tho you guys broke up again.

 

 

 

the one thing that get to me is that i see many people complaining that no contact didnt make the dumper contact them and that no contact doesnt work, so the dumpee broke no contact and eventually reconciled.

 

the thing is, most of these people admitted to using NO CONTACT.... their ex just didn't initiate contact....but when the dumpee decided that no contact wasnt working and called them; they got a 2nd chance. that pretty much means no contact worked....

 

that is why i started this thread, becuz i wanted to hear about the average length of time it takes both parties to cool their emotions, think with a level head, and realize that the relationship is worth giving another go.

 

to me, i personally think that waiting 2 months in my situation is way too long. that is 1/3 of the time that we've gone out for (6 months) any opinions?

[icantbelieve]

I'm not sure I'm going to be telling you anything useful but this is my experience of repeated NC within a very on/off r'ship that's been going on for nearly 10 years. We've broken NC every time we've broken up and have reconciled several times. I have now concluded that the r'ship is toxic or addictive or whatever you want to call it. We both describe our feelings for each other as being like a drug.

 

We're now over and I'm determined this time it's forever. I was the dumper this time but in the past it's been him that's broken up with me three times.

 

The most recent time we broke up was June 2011. We went strictly NC. We never saw one another in person, no calls,no emails, not even a drunk text between us until December 2012. One day I got the feeling I wanted to check the email account I'd stopped using when we broke up. I'd checked it a few times between, mostly at the beginning. Anyway, there in my inbox, a year and a half later of NC, was an email from him that he'd sent just a few hours earlier.

 

We reconciled but it was a mistake. Just like it's been a mistake every other time.

When a couple breaks up, it's usually for a very good reason. The loneliness and the missing the other person can blind you to the reality of the situation.

 

my relationship wasnt toxic. after 4 months of good times, it went long distance which i believe led up to the breakup. in the beginning i felt that we shudnt continue our relationship long distance becuz it is a couple hundred miles away, but she wanted to.

 

fast forward 2 months later, a week before we broke up, i got angry at something she did and thot that it wasnt gonna work out. she asked me to take her back and said to please not do this to her. i caved, but to my surprise she did the same thing the next week except this time instead of apologizing she said she had to think about things.

 

part of me feels like it is becuz she recently became good friends with a new girl which has been influencing her. this girl gets drunk all the time, is a slacker that doesnt go to class, only cares about going to the gym, etc. (my ex gfs own words) and has probably talked really badly of me cuz my ex has talked to her about our past arguments. this new girl seems to want to be my ex gfs buttbuddy and has told her she completely agrees with my ex whenever she has explained our arguments. ofc this is unfair cuz its one side of the story and i never get a chance to put my 2 cents in.

 

thats why this hit me like a ton of bricks, this is not how my ex gf is and which is why im hoping shell come around before its too late.

[Am4Real]

Any chance you can write in ENGLISH with big-boy sentences and real grammar. It would be much easier to read than this slang!

 

my relationship wasnt toxic. after 4 months of good times, it went long distance which i believe led up to the breakup. in the beginning i felt that we shudnt continue our relationship long distance becuz it is a couple hundred miles away, but she wanted to.

 

fast forward 2 months later, a week before we broke up, i got angry at something she did and thot that it wasnt gonna work out. she asked me to take her back and said to please not do this to her. i caved, but to my surprise she did the same thing the next week except this time instead of apologizing she said she had to think about things.

 

part of me feels like it is becuz she recently became good friends with a new girl which has been influencing her. this girl gets drunk all the time, is a slacker that doesnt go to class, only cares about going to the gym, etc. (my ex gfs own words) and has probably talked really badly of me cuz my ex has talked to her about our past arguments. this new girl seems to want to be my ex gfs buttbuddy and has told her she completely agrees with my ex whenever she has explained our arguments. ofc this is unfair cuz its one side of the story and i never get a chance to put my 2 cents in.

 

thats why this hit me like a ton of bricks, this is not how my ex gf is and which is why im hoping shell come around before its too late.

[icantbelieve]

Any chance you can write in ENGLISH with big-boy sentences and real grammar. It would be much easier to read than this slang!

 

haha sorry, i'm sure you get the gist of it though!